How often do you see your grandchildren?

No, no no! Your mum is being emotionally abusive by outright lying to you about the nursery care to manipulate you into doing what she wants.
She’s not putting the welfare of either you or your son first but thinking only about what she wants.
You must stand up to her and start thinking from the perspective of what’s best for your son, not worrying about upsetting your mum.
In your shoes, I’d be seriously thinking about nursery for 3 days a week unless your mum backs off massively in the meantime.

You also need to find your own support network with other new mums. As a young child, you might need to organise play dates for him to help him develop a healthy social life and you’ll struggle if you haven’t built up those initial mum friendships at the outset.

Granny needs to back off and give you space to blossom.

Are overbearing gran's thought any more of than gran's who for what ever reason, maybe live in another country, so have little personal contact with their grandchildren .?

Good grief ! 4 days a week when only 30 mins. away ??
The very fact you asked the question speaks volumes - you must put your foot down. Of course you love your Mum and have no wish to upset her but rules must be set and quickly.
I am lucky that my son, DIL and GD ( now 14 mths. ) live locally so since the day she was born I have seen her regularly. My much loved DIL knows, I am here when needed and that I will not interfere in their parenting.
I have absolutely no truck with the idea that nurseries are in any way detrimental - ridiculous idea. My son loved nursery school as my GD does now.
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Every ten days or so, will be seeing them today.

Heavens that sounds excessive OP!

That’s to much need to have a talk with her. Though I can’t say to much my grandaughter has lived with me since she was 6.

My gd Is 4 and been in nursery since a young baby and she is well balanced, plays well with other children and an absolute delight. Nursery was brilliant for her. You need to Do what is right for you and your baby you are NOT responsible for your mothers happiness. Good luck, it will only get worse if you dont make a stand now.

Way too much, I’m surprised she’s got the time or energy !

You just need to chat this through. She obviously thinks it's a help to you but to stay for hours on end each visit is in my humble opinion just too much. She's your Mum and you should be honest about how you feel. Enjoy your wee boy I can promise you he be will be all grown up and independent in no time at all. Treasure your Mum too she probably has far more years behind her than in front ? I hope you enjoy the mix of being a working mum. Motherhood is blooming hard work and continues life long and will always have its joys and traumas. Good luck .

"If she's going to be that way, I'd suggest just putting him in nursery all 3 days and telling her that she won't be seeing either of you until she loses the attitude."

Please don't take this advice above from another poster. Your mum is totally caught up in her grandson and appears to have lost all perspective but presumably you want to maintain a positive relationship and are not averse to her seeing you both regularly per se.

However your own life, your precious time with your son whilst on Maternity Leave should not be lost because of your Mum

I wonder if you find it hard to stand up for yourself with your Mum? Is she used to getting her own way in your relationship? Now you have a son, your Mum probably thinks that things can carry on as previously, maybe with you "giving in" with her, particularly if she uses additional ways to put pressure on such as the Nursery/aggressive story or the "all that's left for the rest of her life" comment. Problem is, your son and what you feel as a parent is your absolute priority now, as is absolutely right, and your Mum has to get her head around that.

Could you tell her honestly how you are feeling and what you are going to do? As in

"Mum, I know you love seeing ……. but 4 or 5 full days a week is just too much because I need to spend quality time with him alone/ it is stopping me meeting and getting to know other parents/I want to take him to ....etc. "

Your Mum seems likely to refer to her own needs in her response...about needing to see him, having nothing else etc etc

Your response might be some thing like

"I understand that you feel like that and find it hard.
However, 4 or 5 full days a week is just too much because I need to spend quality time with him alone/ it is stopping me meeting and getting to know other parents. Not doing these things means that I am not building up a network of friends with similar aged children, who might be ...playmates in the future. Whilst I am on Maternity Leave it is very important to me to do that. So I have booked into ….on Tuesdays and Thursdays and you cannot visit on those days"

Keep repeating a version of that whilst acknowledging that she feels like she feels.

Re the Nursery issue maybe something like:

" I know you are worried about ...going to Nursery and that the rest of the family feel the same. You mentioned research that shows Nurseries make children aggressive. I have seen lots of evidence that Nurseries help children with socialising/social skills/lost of basic skills ...etc. I want ...to experience that and I am going to send ...to Nursery for 2 days a week."

Your Mum seems likely to repeat her concerns. Maybe she will say that she doesn't understand why she can't look after him for 3 days. You could reply

"I have seen lots of evidence that Nurseries help children with socialising/social skills/lost of basic skills ...etc. I want ...to experience that and I am going to send ...to Nursery for 2 days a week. Do you want to look after him one day a week or not? If you don't then I will book him in to Nursery for 3 days a week!"

"I would love you to look after him for 1 day a week and I know he will have a fun time with you, and you two can build a close relationship (like I had with my grandmother???) and I want him to go to Nursery for 2 days a week so that he has different experiences and builds other skills and relationships as well. Do you want to look after him one day a week or not? If you don't then I will book him in to Nursery for 3 days a week!"

In this type of conversation it is best to decide categorically what your decision is, tell the other person, continuously acknowledge what they tell you they are feeling etc but then keep repeating what your decision is ...and whatever you do want them to do, keep asking if they want to do it or not.

Hope this helps. I think it is particularly hard when it is with a parent and inevitably one is in patterns of relationship behaviours built up over many years from childhood.

You poor girl you need your own life and to make new friends with babies. This will help when the babies go to play school etc.
Join a mother and toddler group. As a sop to Mum make her look after your son while you go shopping . But above all you must stop this four day thing,
She is totally over involved and needs her own life. And dare I say it you are the mummy not her!

I see one granddaughter every Thursday she sleeps over and I take her to school in the morning . Then I see her every other Sunday for the whole day . Sometimes I see her on extra odd days or evening if I’m taking her to family event , cinema , Panto etc or when her Mum wants me to have her . I’d have her all the time lol .

My 2 other grandchildren live in Yorkshire and I aim to get to see them at least once a month or any special babysitting duties and I have them for days in hols .

Your Mum needs to back off a tad ( I get we’re both of you are coming from ) tell her you have Mums group etc try and get her to just come for morning to staet with ???

I agree with your Mum on the going back to work if you are lucky enough to have someone offer to look after your child in the home environment I would choose that all the time . Your Mum could take him to baby group or baby class then they would both be happy ?

You have a young baby and you need the support and friendship of other mothers in the same situation. I don't know quite how you'll do it but you need to tell her you've made arrangements to see other people at least a few days a week. What does your partner think of this? And especially about the nursery issue - what the two of you decide is what goes, not what your mum thinks. My grandson was in nursery 3 days a week from quite little (my daughter - his mum - was still a student) and I had him the other two days. No sign of aggression - he is 19 now and the sweetest boy. Stand firm and good luck to you!

I'm a Nana to my two Grandchildren and I think that's far too much, you have your own life to lead and she should respect that. I see my two on a Sunday afternoon for a few hours with their parents then my Grandson comes after school two days a week for a couple of hours.

I assume your mum doesn't work then? 4 full days a week is too much! When my own sons were little, my mum visited once a week, for the afternoon, and we saw my parents at their house on Sunday afternoons.

Hasn't your mum got any friends/other family members?

April0

OK all families are different. To me your mother is being ridiculous! Why isn't she living her own life? She is being very selfish, intruding into your home and life and stealing you time so much. I find it quite abnormal and wonder if she has a problem. But even so, you deserve your life and she has to sort herself out!
Also a 30 min drive is nothing! Some of us did double that to work every day. So, decide how often you want to see her and for how long then stick to it! Live your own life! It's important for your baby to meet other babies just as for you to get out and meet your friends. You need your own life. Your mother is being unreasonable and selfish.
Sorry to be blunt. I am quite shocked by your mother's demands!
Wishing you everything you need and much happiness, Elle x

The nursery comment made me cross! All my children and 5 of my 6 DGC have been/are in nursery a couple of days a week and they have all thrived! My 2 yr old DGS loves his nursery and looks forward to his days there( DD can’t afford many days and we help out with the cost but money well spent!)
I agree with so many others that your mums attitude to your baby seems unhealthy both for you and to her to be honest! I would tell her firmly that once or twice a week is quite sufficient!

Hi April0. This is obviously really difficult for you both. I understand you don’t want to upset your mum but she is being unreasonable. I’m afraid you are going to have. act now or it is going to get worse. My grandchildren live 200 miles away so I think 30mins drive is almost next door. Being recently widowed I understand where your mum is coming from but it is not the answer to being lonely or feeling your life is empty. Somehow you need to persuade her to find other ways of filling her life. You really must NOT give in.
I know it’s easy for everyone to tell you what to do. I wish you the very best of luck

Just a slightly different perspective.
My son's mil visited most days when my Dil was on maternity leave
She was needed ,my grandson didn't sleep it was a very difficult time
However she would pop over in the morning help Dil and go off to do her things .
My counterpart is an incredibly social butterfly lol and does so much
I think my concern with your mum is she is putting her entire existence on your baby.
I do agree with other posters that your mum needs to find some other outlet .
I do wonder if she had something else to do you would feel less stressed ?
I do feel for you OP and hope you can get your mother to give you a bit of peace and realise that you are the mum not her

Poor you! Don't give in to family pressure. If you want/need to go back to work, which is the norm nowadays, do! You are not responsible for your Mum, she is using emotional blackmail. Yes she can see you and her grandchild regularly, once or twice a week, but she needs to develop interests, go to exercise classes, and do voluntary work to broaden her life and let you live yours. I am speaking as a grandma who also had a controlling mother who wanted to live her life through mine.
Good luck.

Thank you for all your messages. I was half expecting to get comments back saying I should be grateful that she wants to spend so much time with me and the baby etc etc.

Ive been feeling so guilty on days where she isn't seeing him so your comments have really helped me get a more rationale view.

In the past I've suggested she gets more hobbies and interests but she says all that's important to her is family and she's always sacrificed everything for me and my brother so we're all she's got.

She has some friends who she sees every so often. They all have young grandchildren who they see a lot so unfortunately this reinforces her perception of what she sees as normal. I then get comments like "so and so has moved into the same street as her mum so they can just pop round all the time" and "my friends can't believe you would even consider nursery when you have a willing grandparent to look after him"

I think asking her to go on gransnet is a good idea. When I try and explain what I consider to be normal based on my friendship groups she says that's not right because she's on various different grandma sites and people see their gc all the time and would always chose gp over nursery. The people that use nurseries only do so because they have to and they have to say its beneficial so that they don't feel guilty for sending them there.

I think I've created a rod for my own back over the past deacade, always giving in to demands/expectations of seeing her regularly (once a week) , phoning every day, texting etc. Not doing those things just led to massive arguments so it was just easier to give in.

Now there's a child involved the intensity levels have gone through the roof with phone calls sometimes at night even when I've spent all day with her and huge numbers of messages which I'm expected to reply to straight away.

I really don't want to fall out, for the sake of everyone involved but the rationale conversations I've tried to have just never work. Theres always a come back which makes me back down such as "well I'm obviously just a massive burden", "maybe you'd be better off without me", "I don't deserve this", "it's only because I care so much, perhaps you'd prefer it if I didn't care at all"......

It sometimes feels so surreal I half expect to find out I've been on the truman show and it's not actually real!

I think ultimately its just a case of caring too much, if that's a thing, and there are far worse problems to have in life.

I think I will just have to continue to try and stand up for myself a bit more, whilst understanding that it all comes from a good place, even though the results are sometimes difficult to deal with

Has she done this since day 1? I can understand the initials desire to want to get to know a GC. Now though my opinion is that 4 days for so long is too much when you are feeling pressured by it. One day for 4 hours is adequate. You have to kind of introduce GM to you and baby doing other things with other people. Or even having time to yourselves. Haven't had time to read all the replies, do it gently your baby is obviously precious to her.

Blimey that is excessive. I live about30 to 40 mins drive from GC and would pop over during the week but just for an hour, usually on a Saturday or Sunday morning. When they were older they use to ask to come back and stay slo I would visit on Friday night and pick up whoever wanted to come for the night or two. All done with mum and dad agreement

New mums need time to be just with baby and on that bond, also they much prefer to be with other new mums as they can discuss problems etc with people in the same situation and usually age group.

oops read it wrong, thought theist was put on by a Gran but see its the other way around. Advice still stands but I would say, just put our foot down nicely you might well need her help sometime. But you do need your own space.

Am I the only one here to think that 9 months is too young for nursery? If it was my child I'd rather he was with a grandparent. I don't believe in nursery until a child can speak. Then, if there's something wrong, he can tell you. In our day Mothers were always at home so I'd suggest that most of us here have never been to a nursery. The OP is so lucky that her Mum wants to be involved. She's just a bit over-enthusiastic. Just try to rein it in a bit to once or twice a week.