Husband won't holiday away next Xmas due to MIL

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, and I can see both points of view. We didn't go away at Christmas for a long time because of elderly parents being left alone. It was a tie, but not too onerous.

A lot could happen before next year and your circumstances could be greatly changed. However, if they're not, will the two mums spend Christmas together so that you can get away? Or could you do Christmas with your MiL but go away immediately afterwards?

Hope you can find a solution that keeps everyone happy!

If you don't want the stress of Christmas yourself could you all not book into a hotel in UK so that your Mother in law does not have to fly. Alternatively as Septimia said have Christmas at home but go on holiday straight afterwards. It's difficult when you are an only child as the onus is always on you. I can understand your husband's feelings eelouisia

Prices are astronomical over Christmas and New Year OP. Why not go in December or January?
Your husband sounds a really nice man.

As an only child I understand how your DH feels.

When my father died, my mother, as we all wanted it, just became an even closer part of our family too so for me especially, my mother was more important to me than a holiday.

Every family has their own dynamics so it is really down to each family to work out what works and make compromises when needed.

Or as well as the great suggestions above, maybe do an early “Christmas weekend” for you MIL before going away if that would work?

There are also deals to be had if you travel mid December and return on boxing day, or the day after (eg Canaries)....as most people want to go for a combined Xmas and new year....depends on your work schedule I guess

Having just done what you are proposing, I am very keen to repeat it again next year....9 hours of sunshine a day, being outdoors, walking, keeping fit (rather than me vegetating on the sofa at home!), eating modestly and healthily, completely missing the election, politics, TV, the shops, food planning and all the stress.

Your dh should take your wishes into account.

Does it mean you will never have a nuclear family Xmas vacation as long as your MIL is alive? How old is MIL, btw?
That is not reasonable.
How about Xmas with your parents? Where do they fit in?

How about offering a compromise - one year with mil, one your parents and one on your own?
Something that works for everybody.

Whom did you spend Xmas with this year?

You can always spend Xmas with your child next year as you wish and your dh spends it with his mother. Not ideal but it is your holiday too, why not enjoy it?

How old is your child? How do you want to remember xmas with your child? Do you enjoy xmas with your mil? You only have 18 years with him/her before he/she might choose to spend it on his/her own. Make the most of it

I would take your mil if you all get on ok.

Oh, sorry, just read again and its mil who is afraid of flying.

I'd leave husband to spend Christmas with her, then.

There’s no right or wrong here, my worry isn’t your mother in law but the potential for relationship issues with your husband. At the moment you are dug into opposite corners. Time for a compromise which I know isn’t easy to identify. The closest I can think of has already been suggested, have the ‘day’ at home, your son can have his gifts with his parents and grandmother, all eat in a nice hotel so no stress and then go away to the sun afterwards. I think in your position I’d be happy with that. As a Mum, mother in law and grandmother I’d also be happy with that. Having said that I’d be seriously offended and more than a bit cross if I thought my family was making assumptions about my needs and wants. Has anyone asked her for her thoughts? It’s worth thinking too that children learn about adult relationships from their parents. Your son is seeing your husband care about and for his Mum, not a bad thing as long as other needs aren’t ignored. Good luck, don’t get too het up about it, with the desire for a solution on both sides you will work it out with your husband.

do the two mothers get on, could they spend xmas together.
on this one I'm with your DH.
could you and child jet away, and he stay with mother. or you all go stay somewhere non-flying. will she go on ferry. or within this island, south coast, or cornwall. unless she is toxic, try to include her, its a good example to your DC.

Just a thought, many of the airlines are very good at looking after people who are afraid of flying. We recently flew with a nervous elderly relative and she booked special assistance. She was transported last to the plane so she didn't have time to panic before take off. We were also given the front row seats with more space and the cabin crew were very attentive. If you really want to go away you just need to convince her she will be fine.

How old is the mil?
If she is still relatively young, I don't think it's unreasonable to leave her to make her own Christmas plans as long as she knows well in advance, but if she is elderly, and somewhat 'dependent' on her son, then I can understand why he doesn't feel he can do it.

Flights to somewhere sunny can be very cheap on Boxing day - maybe there's a compromise to be found there that would mean she wasn't on her own on Christmas day??

I've always thought that Christmas is for families, New Year is for pleasing yourselves; can you make Christmas less stressful, get your husband to pitch in too and go away to the sun just afterwards?

We always had one mum or another with us at Christmas.

eelouisa didn't say their son lived abroad, did she, or am I missing something?

I think your DH is being reasonable. It would be hard to leave her to spend Xmas alone while you are both away abroad.

I agree with mumofmadboys on this.Many other times over the Winter to find some sun.
If you don’t want to continually do the hosting, book a hotel for yourselves for Christmas Eve and Day.
Or, book a meal out on Christmas Day.

How will you feel when you're elderly and alone - with no family around at Christmas? You can go on holiday at any time!

I am reminded of the thread where a Gran was devastated because her DS and DIL are planning to go away next Christmas and she will be on her own.

I too think Christmas is for families and New Year for friends so yes, I do think you are being very unreasonable to talk of the “stress” of Christmas necessitating a holiday abroad. IMO it has to be the worst time of year to fly anywhere.
Your DH sounds like a caring son, I hope yours will be too when your turn comes, , but don’t forget what goes around comes around.

I agree with mumofmadboys and Hetty58; I would try to put yourself in your MILs shoes - your child/children happy to leave you to spend Christmas Day on your own whilst they go away- I am afraid I would be very hurt and think that they were being selfish, I certainly couldn't do it (not even to my own MIL, who was a complete horror!). There are so many other scenarios you could contemplate to keep everybody happy - night in a local hotel, visit a restaurant for Christmas Dinner; holiday in GB, or if money allows - a cruise.

There are 52 weeks of the year to go away on holiday and if your DH doesn't want his mum to be on her own for Christmas, which IMO is perfectly reasonable, he's not going to enjoy it if you put pressure in him and he goes under duress, and neither will you.

As others have suggested, you could all go away somewhere that doesn't require flying or go out on Christmas day for your meal.

Exactly, there are other 52 weeks of the year for mil.
Can she be with friends during Xmas? Other relatives? Does she have siblings? Why is her son the only option?

I can see that it’s not unreasonable to want some sun and less stress, but I do think it would perhaps be inconsiderate to go away and indulge yourself whilst leaving a close family member at home alone.

I couldn’t do it, but then I love my parents-in-law too much to not want to spend Christmas with them. They are getting old now and I treasure every opportunity to be with them.

I also think your husband is being reasonable. I can understand him feeling responsible for his Mum, him being an only child.

OP started two threads in December 2019 about friction with her MIL and her DH bring a “mummy’s boy” which leads me to think there is more to this than a simple question of a holiday.
Another DIL/MIL scenario