Lost soul

It’s possible.

Did you see the documentary about Universal Credit on BBC yesterday? People who had paid into the system for years got very little, and one man was sent out to spend the night in a park.

The OP appears to have no NI record, so unless she has friends or family who can put her up the same could happen to her.

Good point Buffy. I really do wonder how many posts are a work of fiction.

The answers are endlessly interesting, though. I'm always truly amazed at how many people suggest staying in a failed marriage - for financial security. That's not living!

Do they really think she'd be out on the streets with only a cardboard box to call home?

Does Berber actually exist or have all you good people wasted your time and sympathy giving advice?

No more from Berbel? Fake news?

That's a shame Gingster when you were looking forward to sharing things. I would continue to encourage your husband to take part but make a life for yourself as well. Get on with your hobbies, join groups, go out with friends whatever you want to do. No point putting your own life on hold as well.

Ive been married for almost 49 years. On the whole a good marriage but 5 years ago my husband retired and I was hoping for lovely times together. He has gradually stopped all his hobbies and activities and likes to watch tv most of the day. I have a full life and a very happy one but I despair of him wasting his. He isn’t depressed but not particularly happy. He used to loved playing golf and bowls etc but has no interest now . Should I keep trying to encourage him or just leave him in peace? I feel for you Berber, but it isn’t easy to start over. Try to make a life for yourself and make the most of the times you and your husband do have together.

Ok, I'll try again. Why do we ALWAYS think we are to blame for anything that is wrong in a marriage?

So where has my post gone?

I too am 60, Ruby wedding anniversary coming up. My marriage is over I know it but haven't done much except think about it. My husband is a total couch potato, does not do anything. We have had a talk he said he will get moving as he puts it. That was 3 weeks ago no sign of movement, I knew there wouldn't be. It is very hard at 60 to make such a big decision but we are alive we deserve happiness. Good luck.

I left my husband after nearly 40 years and felt as you do but it is only liberating if you can support yourself and have a network of friends and family to help support you through rough times . Although you say you have no money, presumably there are some assets in the marriage which could be split. Take legal and financial advice as you are likely to need capital and source of income to live on your own.
I am lucky as have a decent job and have my own private pension should I not be able to work, so can get by. I am renting a small flat which is expensive as rents come as a shock if you don't have a mortgage currently. I shall rent while the divorce goes through then buy a modest house of my choice. If you are both broke, then the prospects of returning to the UK, unless you have free accommodation to move into and friend/family , may be dismal. The benefits safety net for single people below state retirement age is minimal, so you will probably need to find a job. Do get advice or find a way to patch matters up. The impact of menopause on was severe and made me review how I felt about my husband especially when the children flew the best and no longer diluted his behaviour and attitude. This affected me to the extent that I could not bear the thought of full time retirement with him. But I am lonely but am gradually getting a new social circle. Good luck, but do seek proper advice.

You are not a failure - it takes two to make and two to break. Don’t own the breakdown of your marriage - it sounds as if you have done your best and no one can do more than that. You could easily have 30 / 40 more years to live - don’t waste them, you can do with them whatever you want

I think a lot depends on WHY the original poster feels her only option if she leaves her husband is to return to the UK but doesn't seem to have a plan in place?

As she hasn't come back to give any more details it is difficult to keep giving advice.

I moved abroad and married a much younger man, needless to say the marriage did not last very long, i managed to stay abroad for a total of 13 years but moved back here when health failed. it was hard to have to start again, I had no home, etc, spent 6 months in a council run hostel, it was awful, then 18 months in a temporary flat before being housed. i am now glad I came back, hang in there and do what you feel is best for you, good luck

You deserve contentment with or without your husband. If you have to return to uk, look for live-in jobs to start with until you build up confidence. You are not old and could even start again with someone else should you wish. There are so many lonely people out there crying out for company.

I heard on the radio recently that you get a fairer split of assets if you divorce in the UK than in other countries. If you suspect your husband might be planning to divorce you where you might end up worse off it might be wise to do some research and get in there first, at very least any pension will be shared and you would have a roof over your head

Have you tried anything to keep your marriage afloat? It may be your husband feels the same, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. It seems a big thing to move back to the UK, however long you’ve been away. It may be this is what happens eventually, but as a last resort. I would really think about counselling first. Just cover all angles before you do anything drastic, and then hopefully you’ll have little or no regrets. All the best to you both.

Just in case you didn't know, despite you being 60 here in the UK we can't now have our state pension at 60. You will be 66/67 before to get it so will have to work

Berbel - I am sorry to read of your situation and sorry that you are feeling the way you do. Please do not think of yourself as a failure. You are in a marriage, not a solo relationship. I am sending you a big hug, and hope you reach a solution that enables you to feel better in yourself. ?

Oh Berbel! Please do not think you are a failure, you are just about to start living your life for you!
Four years ago today, I was in your position. Married for 33 years, living and working abroad, but oh so incredibly unhappy. It had taken me a long time to build up the courage to leave, and it wasn't an easy decision, but I walked away from everything and flew back to the UK with just a suitcase. I had nothing and very little money (well none really) but my son put me up and after 3 months i'd got myself a little flat and bit by bit i've rebuilt my life, and the best bit of all is i'm happy, living my life for me.
If you really are not happy with your situation, be brave, and take that first big step towards a new life for yourself, GO FOR IT! ☺xx

I live in France and divorced at 55 with my adult children and grandchildren living here there was no question of returning to the UK
However being here is no picnic on your own. Integration, even after 30 years is unsatisfying. My recently widowed
friend returned and has more life now in the Uk than she
had here in France. Being on your own , in a foreign language is hard. Social life as a couple is difficult , as an older woman , you are invisible.
Benefits here are ni on zero and if you can't support yourself especially with Brexit looming, I don't know!

Retiring abroad is not a paradise, living in a dead marriage
is a life sentence, building a new life is easier in your own language

Good luck, I feel for you

Hello Berbel - is anybody there? Have you left the thread?

Berbel, there really isn’t enough information here for anyone to provide you with advice. You obviously feel rather depressed, and feel that your marriage is joyless, but it appears your husband does not want to end the marriage. Starting anew is hard, but not impossible, and of your life is really that miserable it may be the best thing to do. However, you must not think that returning to the UK will mean you will be automatically housed and have an income. You do not say if you have an occupational pension that would enable you to rent or buy accommodation, nor if you will qualify for NHS healthcare. Do you have children or other family who could or would be prepared to help? Would you be able to work? Are you entitled to a state pension eventually? Where are you living now? Do you own, own jointly, or rent your current property? Have you any assets? Perhaps you could give us some more information.
If you are feeling lonely and dissatisfied, could you rectify this? Will you be less lonely and more fulfilled if you leave?

I have a friend who returned to the UK post-divorce and was employed as a house sitter. They prefer older, single people, but you do need references and a DBS check. She worked for a national company and drove all over the country for sits, sometimes in really palatial houses. She looked after dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, birds the lot. Accommodation was free and she got paid. Any gaps were plugged by staying with her sister, or every now and again in a room in someones house, sourced through Air B and B - sometimes she paid less than 15 pounds a night for the room and discovered quite a few older divorced ladies were renting out bits of their house, so made some friends. It worked for a good five or six years until she could get her state pension and settle.

Berbel I am sorry you are feeling so down but let me say you are not a failure. Marriages fail for many reasons and only you know your own circumstances. What I would say is this, you are only 60 do not leave this until you are 75 (me) and wish you had done something a long time ago.

Think it through, be realistic and you can do it. I send you (((hugs)))

To admit you are unhappy and need to start again takes courage so you are not a failure. We only get one life so it is what you will make of it. As suggested above research from where you are, look at jobs you could do, find out if you would get half assets from marriage. Do you own a house that could be sold? You can do anything you really want to do.