Am I disrespectful

Perhaps she is insecure because she is not married to your son? Feels some jealousy of former wife because if this and feels you are on former wife’s side? Is son doing his best to make her feel at ease? Does he care to? He is on good terms with all of you... he might be an angel but he certainly has it all at the cost of others. Her real grief is probably with him not you and she is not clever enough to get you onside.

I’m still in touch with one of my sons ex girlfriend....lovely girl. The fact their relationship didn’t work is irrelevant. Ask your sons wife what she expects from the grandkids? Are they ok to still love their mum. She sounds like a bunny boiler....rude to speak to you like that. I would speak to both your son and his wife together...explain she is the mother of your grandkids and whilst your son may not like her...that’s nothing to do with you.

potter6

I think it's very important - and healthy - to maintain a good relationship with yours son's former partner when there are children involved. If they become aware that there are bad feelings between their parents and between other "sides" of the family, the split loyalties this engenders causes great guilt and distress to children.

Aside from that, why on earth should you cease being friends with someone who is still an important part of the family? She is the mother of your grandchildren and you are fond of her.

If you can say with hand on heart that you have been friendly and welcoming to your son's new partner and have not given her cause to feel like "second best" then I think it is unfair to say you are being disloyal and disrespectful. It is his new partner who needs to grow up a bit and accept that you all had a life before she came along. She entered into a relationship with a man who has children, which introduces a new dynamic to all his other family relationships.

She sounds rather immature and very rude to me. Judging from your OP, I think you sound like a person who can maintain good manners and a hand of friendship even when others, including your son, are being unreasonable. I do have great sympathy for you in this distressing situation and hope that, in time, things will sort themselves out.

It's better for the children if you are on good terms with their mother. As grown ups, your son and his new partner will have to be grown up about it lol

I think it’s lovely staying in touch with your sons ex. As far as his partner is concerned it will be her own silly behaviour that will disconnect her from you, especially if they split up. I’m not sure after so long with your son that she should feel so insecure, maybe the relationship is not that happy.

Not disloyal. Maybe she needs to know that you do value her - for herself, and that your keeping in contact with ex is not anything to do with your relationship with her. Does she fear you may be keeping a channel open so your son can one day 'go back'. Again - I think she needs reassurance.

I was thinking along the same lines as Tedber. My DH was more bothered by my MIL talking constantly about her visits to his ex than I was.

The ex had far more in common with my MIL than I did/do, being a smoker, not working and enjoying several outings a week to the bingo. I understood that whereas my DH couldn’t.

That doesn’t stop me and MIL getting on well; it’s just a different relationship and the ex is the mother of DH’s son after all.

As long as you’re not talking about the ex constantly, and especially not comparing them to each other, I can’t see what the problem is.

It might be worth trying to meet your son’s partner for a coffee, without him there, and to establish a ‘different’ relationship as it’d be good if you could become friends. It’s better for your son and the grandchildren if you all get on.

I was miffed when my parents maintained contact with my ex. They then pointed out that if anything happened to me my DC would go and live with ex - they wanted to do as much as possible to ensure that they would still have contact with my DC whatever happened - I think you are doing well to maintain contact.....you don't need to live in each others pockets

I cannot believe it is a partner not a wife who is objecting. What if you follow her wishes and break of relationships with ex DIL and grandchildren and partner gets itchy feet and moves onto another boyfriend. I find it hard to believe you feels she has right to comment

Sounds like a very insecure lady. If you cut the ex off What would she have you say to your GC when they ask "granny why don't you like our mummy anymore"

The most important relationship is that between you and your grandchildren. My own grandparents had a very significant role in my life, I didn't see them too often, but they were so important to me.

If you get along with your son’s ex then there is no reason for you not to speak to her. She is the mother of your GC and I doubt those children would take very kindly to you not speaking to their mother. Son’s new partner needs to grow up methinks.

I, also, wonder why your son felt the need to tell you this? Are you sure it isn’t him who doesn’t like it?

Bit that doesn’t explain why current partner is giving you the cold shoulder?

Definitely think the air needs clearing. You can start by saying you think there may be some misunderstandings?

Room for EVERYONE in life. And speaking as a ‘second’ wife when I was very young. In MIL eyes I would never match up! But .. I would never have wanted her to cut out first wife! We sorted it amicably in end.

My advice is don’t accept second hand versions as gospel even if it did come from son.

It’s all well and good to be told you are “right”, But that’s not going to do anything to repair the relationship.

You need to decide what is more important, being right or having a relationship with your sons partner. She could end up being a mother to more of your grandchildren

Her problem if she cannot accept that you will remain friendly with the mother of your grandchildren.
I had a wonderful set of in laws from my first marriage and we kept in contact right up until mam and dad died, sadly lost touch with sis in law a couple years later when they moved. I was even godson to ex sil's son long after I divorced her brother (also stayed friends with him).

She is wrong, you are right. Best thing to do is just take no notice of any comments she may make and do not be tempted to retalliate, but just do not mention the other grandmother when she is around.

Sorry I missed she is his partner, not wife.

What happened last October and before that she stopped talking to you?
What action does share as disloyal? For example - was it a disagreement and you took exwife's side vs hers?

Was his partner cold with you when you met her? How was your relationship and how did it evolve?

Do your son and his partner have kids?

Nothing happens in a vacuum.
She could be insecure, maybe not.
Not enough info to decide.

No you aren't disrespectful, you are respecting your grandchildren's need to have the adults in their lives behave maturely and with kindness. It doesn't matter in the end, which parent is deemed "responsible" for the end of the relationship, what matters is that the children feel secure and loved in their extended family. Your son's new partner needs to grow up.

Of course it’s unreasonable to expect you to have to stop your lovely relationship with your ex daughter in law however I can also see how difficult and insecure it will make her feel if she is at all unsure of herself
I do think your son is to blame for this as he came to you to tell you that he partner thought you were disrespectful etc etc Why ever did he do that, stirring the pot and shot himself in the foot there, silly lad
I would carry on being as friendly and normal with her as possible and hopefully it ll grow You say you liked her until your son told you that, so try and get back to liking her again
They re not married and I guess she’s very insecure about your sons love and about her own standing or not in your family, of course she’s dealing with it in the wrong way but cut her some slack and carry on as you were liking them both

On the face of it, I would agree with everyone else, unless the breakdown of the marriage was her fault, she had an affair for example. Then as the next partner to your son, I may feel a little miffed, but would still respect you would need to keep in touch with your grandchildren.

Oops, I should have said "partner" and not DiL as you didn't say they were married.

No, you are not being disrespectful! As others have said, you are keeping in contact with your Gc's mother as well as someone you still care for. It sounds like your new DiL is insecure and immature in her behavior toward you. I would only add that it's a shame that your son finds himself in the "middle". Your DiL's feelings will be magnified if she knows he talks to you about her. Perhaps he could encourage her to have tea with you to, hopefully, nip things in the bud??

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His partner hasn't spoken to me properly since October last year and at a family get together over Christmas totally ignored me and my husband even though I tried to initiate a conversation

it appears DIL deliberately ignored the parents (OP and her H) in front of the entire family at their holiday gathering. I think that's what OP was referring to as in 'rude' or 'disrespectful' behavior.

Take no notice. She is just jealous of your relationship with the mother of your grandchildren, that's all. My son is not allowed to mention his ex as his new partner is very jealous. I don't mention her either - but we are still friends. Nobody tells me who to be friends with!

Not at all, you've built up a relationship with your ex-d-in-law over a period of time just because the marriage ended, it doesn't mean your relationship with her has to, particularly if you've always got on well, it can transcend the break up. Unfortunately, some people are very black and white.

Difficult when you are dealing with a person who doesn't understand nuance, disrespectful is a strange interpretation to put on the matter. I imagine the new wife's feelings are borne out of an underlying insecurity but your maintaining a good relationship with the mother of your grandchildren is very important.