Am I disrespectful

No you have a good relationship with her and that’s commendable as she’s the mother of your grandchildren. Well done.

Not at all. She’ll have to get used to it.

Your son's new partner sounds very unsecure in her relationship well done you for keeping up contact with your x dil and grandchildren.

I don't think so. A friend of mine is in touch with several of her son's exes - wives and girlfriends. Presumably she doesn't make too much of that to him, though.

If there is no good reason for you to snub your ex-DiL and every reason (grandchildren) to remain on friendly terms, then it's up to you who you are friendly with.

The new partner no doubt feels insecure in this situation. Maybe time and treating her as important (without making it too obvious) will help her to realise that she is accepted.

Tricky! Good luck.

No, not at all. Although she is your son's ex she will always be the mother of your grandchildren and everyone will be seeing her from time to time. I regularly meet with my son's ex and all are fine with that. Having said that you do want to maintain a good relationship with your son's new partner so I would point out that you wish to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the children. Stand firm, but calm.

I think that it's a good thing to maintain a friendly and positive relationship with your son's ex, as you said, she's the mother of your grandchildren.
Why is your son's partner saying this?
Does your son maintain a cordial relationship with his ex'?

Yes my son speaks to his ex-wife about the children only as far as I am aware.

His partner hasn't spoken to me properly since October last year and at a family get together over Christmas totally ignored me and my husband even though I tried to initiate a conversation.

My son has a good relationship with me and his dad and I will focus on that as I think the same as all of you. My son says that she is insecure also.

I think the new partner is being thoroughly rude and disrespectful. I should be livid to be ignored! She needs to ‘think on’ as they say!

No, you're not being disrespectful. Your son's partner seems to be in the wrong.

It might be tactful to not keep mentioning his ex-wife if you often bring her name up in conversation. I agree you shouldn't have to do this but it might help the situation.

Your son's ex-wife is the mother of your grandchildren. It will be better for all involved if you're on good terms. You are probably fond of her anyway.

If it was a short-lived marriage and they had no children, I think the relationship with ex-wife might die away naturally.

Everyone is different.

I never mention the ex-wife! I am fond of ex-wife, similarly was also very fond of son's partner. Until she decided I was disrespectful and disloyal. Son told me she said this.

Marriage of son and ex-wife produced 2 children, my grandchildren.

No I don't think you're being disrespectful - but she is ! If she objects to you maintaining a cordial relationship with the mother of your grandchildren what next? Will she pressure your son to have less contact with his children? Will she treat any children they have better than children from his previous relationship?

Its not your place but it IS yours sons to sit her down and explain what the expectation is- then if she can't /wont cope with that she make decisions based on it.

Personally , I couldn't just let it run and I would have to have this conversation with her - but wiser people than me would probably agree it is for your son to tackle.

What she doesn't realise is that you are being far more loyal to your son by keeping a good relationship in place with the mother of his children. Both the children and their father will benefit from the stability this brings.

I would be worried about her influence on the children and any comments that she makes in front of the children too. I hope your son is on his mettle ?

I don't think you are being disrespectful either.

My son and his wife have just split up (his idea not hers and no one else involved) and I intend to stay friends with her. We have always got on and she is the mother of my two lovely granddaughters.

Well said Harris67/Sara65.
Couldn`t have put it better myself.

Oh, what a challenge! How long have they been together? Could it be that the ‘honeymoon’ period is over and she’s starting to feel a little insecure?

Well she’s the mother of your grandchildren and why should you ignore her.your sons partner is being very silly and immature too and as for not speaking to you and your husband since last October even though you tried to initiate the conversation I feel that was very rude, she needs to grow up and certainly isn’t doing herself any favours

I think it is for your son to discuss this out with his new partner. She is clearly insecure but that doesnt excuse rudeness. The grandchildren seeing all adults behaving appropriately and like adults around each other is the important thing and she needs to think about that with her partner, your son, regarding his childrens needs! It is definitely her issue. You are not being atall unreasonable.

No. She is part of the family as your GCs mother.

I dont get women who expect men to erase their history/life from before they met their current partner.

Good for you for having a nice relationship with your GCs mother do not let any new partner sabotage that and tell your son his children come first and you are all THEIR family!

My son and his partner separated a few years ago . I am still friendly with my ex daughter in law and intend to stay that way, she is the mother of my GD and will always have a special place.
She has remarried and my son has a new partner but it makes no difference.

Why did the first marriage break up?

What is the background between the new wife and the ex wife?

I feel there is more to the story

I think my son has told her already that she is rude but she seens to be NC with us and it's her choice. They have been together for over 5 years now.

My son has said that he would never stop having a relationship with me and his Dad so that is something at least.

Thank you all for your support, I am really appreciative. x

Why not just say to her that you have to be on good terms with the ex but that she is the daughter in law now.

How rude and disrespectful of her

Ex DIL is the mother of your beloved grandchildren hence she'll always be a part of your family too. There's absolutely no disrespect on your part and your loyalty towards your your ex DIL (and your GC) is well placed.

It's very unfortunate that DIL 2 is so insecure, but that doesn't give her a pass for wanting to divide your family. Her baseless accusations and downright rudeness create more distance between you and your son. She's not only being rude, disrespectful and disloyal towards you, she's pushing you away by behaving like an artful instigator.

So, she's the one with the problem, not you. You could try to reassure her, but that could backfire. Probably best to carry on as you always have. Ignore her for now and hope that your son eventually sees her for who she is.