advice on changed husband

Moonbeam , that is such a shame, his long have you both been in this new place, has your DH given enough time to settle, make new friends, is he feeling left out if you are with your DD a lot more than you were before? It's a whole new venture by the sound of it, men tend to take longer to adjust to new things whereas us women tend to always have things to do, sort out, and when we go shopping we meet people and chat, Maybe try to involve yourselves in new things around you and give him time to adjust , remind him of the solitude and isolation you had before you go rushing back, I do hope it works out fir you and you both find happiness in your new life , Good Luck

When I moved to what I honestly believed was my 'dream place' it shocked me to find that once I got there, I was upset and longed for the unsatisfactory place I'd escaped from! Silly isn't it?

It took me a year but eventually it did become the dream I wanted (and always was as I look back) it takes time to setle, even if it genuinely is what you had hoped for.

I don't rule out dementia but it is more likely that your husband dislikes change more than he had anticipated.

Be patient and try to include him in everything, he probably feels a little left out having had you all to himself in your old home and now has to share you.

It sounds like the typical letdown many of us face when we make a change or start something new that we've been wanting or dreaming about (retirement, new love interest, new job, etc.). We think mostly about what we we think we'll gain and build it up in our minds. Reality just can't measure up. Maybe suggest to him that he give it some time and see how he feels in six months or a year?

Typical advice is always give a move at least a year before you decide if it's right or not. Personally, I've found my husband more change-adverse and stuck in his ways the older he gets (also about to turn 60).
When we moved to our "dream home" last year, he was frankly a complete git for about eight,nine months. Found fault with everything. I Could've throttled him as it was a joint decision. Nobody held a gun to his head!! All of a sudden the last couple of months he's turned a corner and is being far more his usual positive, sunny self. He simply finds change really, really difficult. Does this ring any bells for you, I wonder?

DH was not keen to move because he thought he would lose his network which enables him to carry on doing some occasional work. However due to illness an opportunity for almost full time work arose not long after we moved here, so he was happy. That is now over and he has started to get wistful again. I have no intention of moving again, however.

What is it about your new situation which makes your husband unsettled? If you can work that out, you may be able to find ways to adapt to enable him to feel more settled.

I have recently moved a couple of months ago and I’m finding it hard to settle. I don’t know why as neighbours are lovely but I felt very down. The things they helped me were to put my in stamp on it the garden a blank canvas so I’ve been looking up ideas and online photos of gardens which have cheered me up as I will focus on decorating. Think one I put my own stamp on here I will feel better. My friend also felt the same couldn’t settle said she will rent it out. So it takes time make him do changes to stuff I think it’s age thing we become set in our ways the grass is always greener. I’m always longing to live in Spain !!

I imagine that he is fed up with himself and has found that a change of environment has not changed that. What can you do? I would start by talking to him and explore the issues. You then need to involve your daughter and see if you can find a way forward.

Did you all move together, or have you joined your daughter and partner somewhere? Were you separated from your daughter before that, and for how long? Sorry for the questions, but it may be, if the latter, then your husband may be feeling left out. Seems childish I know, but men can be quite territorial over their wives, especially if it’s been just you and him for ages in your isolation. I too, think it’s about time. Give him chance to settle, and hopefully all will be well soon.

thank you one and all!! it felt good to just get replies if im honest.. some of the stuff i have or would have said to people who have come to me in my own work, but just to have a bit more of perspective from people who clearly are "getting" what im feeling... so much easier to feel it is not unusual or more so that there maybe a hope in time. I suspect it all goes deeply into past ..his own association with family, fear of me being now with daughter and not needing him, and just like many of you also say the whole "change" thing.. going to ride it out as long as i can for sure.. but it does strike me so much how we as women put ourselves out, i will do this but feel why in many ways we are the ones who have to find the solutions .. crazy isnt it ? he is funny, loving and kind and i guess if im honest i want as much of that big fat life cake as i can stuff in my mouth and saw this as a way ... we did move almost 1 year after my daughter moved here, we did discuss endlessly and this was not a first move from a home environment , we have been lucky to travel a bit , but this is definitely the move which is different as does signify moving into a more permanent situation and having family around... i too feel the change no doubt about it but like you have said .. deal with it differently. I am praying for time now .. as i have said to him some people would give all to live on an island, have no money worries, have family around them with lots of love and a beautiful time to live peacefully... and he does agree but obviously not enough !!! so hope it is a bit of a transition thing.. will update but thank you gorgeous ladies you have helped me so much and hope i too will help in future to others x x

moonbeam2020 yes, it does always seem to be the wives who have to put on a virtual cabaret show to appease disgruntled men. "Wife work".
I don't think our menfolk usually give two hoots about accommodating us.
It can be rather infuriating when all you want to do sometimes is snap "grow up! I'm having to deal with this too, you know". But we don't, do we? Pull out the old song and dance routine to appease them instead. Gah.
My husband is generous, warm and loving. But I do think there's an imbalance where it's just expected that I will cope and help everyone else.
A wise lady said to me recently "put your own gas mask on first before you attend to others"
I thought that was great advice.

*OXYGEN mask

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GrandmainOz, hee, hee - a gas mask would solve it! I'd just have to distance myself a bit and let him 'stew in his own juice' as my aunt used to say.

Homesickness! Even if the previous home was not what you needed. I have known a few people, who have been very unsettled by moving, though it was the best thing for them and became grumpy and critical for a while. Just takes time for some of us to settle down to a new life.