Partner puts his 30 year old son before me

Grandma100 Please grow up. There are 100s of people on here who would love to have the sort of relationship that your partner has with his family.

What are you doing with a 70 year old anyway? Are there no 55 year old's around? When one reaches one's 70's the body starts to get fragile and takes longer to heal. My DH had shingles nearly a year ago and is still suffering from the pain. I fell over about 5 weeks ago, hurting my ribs and core muscles badly and still have slight twinges. (We're both 73). Some days he just has to sit and deal with the pain. Other days he's OK. But it's something that we need to get used to and to tolerate.

You say that you want him to be possessive. What exactly does that mean? Yesterday my friend (mid 60's) was talking about her husband - she has several friends, he has only a few and he moans that she is not paying him enough attention!

I think maybe you need to integrate into his family a bit more, if they were your children you would be doing it all together. I would always put my children's needs before my husbands and so would my husband honestly and we have been together for our entire adult lives x

I agree a year really isn't very long. He has known his son for 30 years and his father all his life. I would be surprised if he did put you first at this stage. I would certainly put my children and grandchildren before a man I had only been seeing for a year.
He sounds like a lovely famiky man but do you think you and he maybe have different expectations for what you want from the relationship?
Perhaps a conversation about what you both want would be a good idea.

I think that after a year you should have some idea of where this relationship is going. Do you want to be committed? Does he? Are you happy to let things drift? I think from what you are saying it's quite likely that he adult son will be part of the package. How do you feel about this? Maybe it's possible you could sound him out, or perhaps you already have an inkling?

For your birthday, I would arrange to be away with a friend if none of your family are available.
I think that your boyfriend (to me a partner is of longer standing than a year, and also sharing the same house, possibly) sees your relationship differently from what you do, maybe as more of a caring friendship than anything and I think you need to either accept the way things are, or really decide if you are happy with his attitude and accept it as it is, or need to hang on,and see if things change, or cut your losses and move on.
Oh, and don't, whatever you do , go down the path to try and make him jealous or possessive - it will usually turn around and slap you in the face!

I fail to see what you mean when you say their relationship is not healthy, so a father spending time with his son for however long is not healthy in your eyes, solely I presume because you want to see more of him, I really think you should discuss things with your friend,

I agree that a 15 year age gap is too much - your partner has 15 years of family life on you and he's not going to throw away all his routine for a much younger woman he's only been with for twelve months. Look at the quality of your relationship, you say you want him to be jealous - he fact that he isn't should tell you something. It's convenient for him to have a younger woman, he may get a kick out of it at the same time but in reality that's where it ends. As someone who is 70 I can tell you that he's not looking to make great changes to his family relationships and if you make him choose you may be very sadly disappointed. As far as your birthday goes, I would simply say how lovely it is that it will give his daughter a chance to join you all and see where his loyalties lie.

His father is96 .... of course he wants to spend as much time with him as he can..... you need to take a back seat for now..... if you can’t I think you need to re-think locking yourself in to a man who is gonna become a bit of a liability sooner than you think. And you have no ‘past’ with him ,to shore you up.!

Different people have different priorities, regardless of age. I have kids living in the UK and kids living abroad. I put them first. My husband of 40 plus years understands that and accommodates it. I certainly wouldn't put any other person ahead of my kids...ever. As a couple, my husband and I have a great social life, but not all of it spent together. Ive spent a week in France with my daughter and a close friend. My husband has driven down to the South of France with a friend, my suggestion and they had a great time. Maybe don't take your friends decision to spend time with his son and father as a slight on you. Maybe expecting to be the most important person in your friends life is not attainable. Certainly after a year when you are friends, not living together is a huge ask.

I think he just sees you as a good friend, possibly with benefits, and nothing more. My OH and I have been together for 7 years, we both have children and grandchildren and his parents are still alive. We have always agreed that family comes first when required but we always consult one another and each of us is included in any plans the other makes with their respective family.

If your partner can't consider you in a reasonable way, show him the door!

I agree with others this relationship of yours isn’t perhaps what you want or expected The chap sounds as if he has all he needs with his Dad and son who he loves so he has a great little group to go out and about and socialise with Its unfortunate his daughter is coming your birthday weekend but it’s not his fault it’s happened the same weekend
I don’t think they sound as if they live in each other’s pockets but when they do get a chance to be together they take it
I don’t think you sound awful but I do think you sound a total mismatch he isn’t going to put a year old PART TIME relationship over his Dad, his daughter and his son is he let’s be realistic No mention of love on either side

Sounds to me like you won't be together at Easter let alone August! I'm 57 & my husband is 70 this year. A word of caution - if you end up living together, you may find he's VERY set in his ways & you'll be even more frustrated with him! P.S, do you want a holiday buddy? Lol

Blood relations are more important than non-bloods (so to speak). You can't spread his genes. I think you just have to accept that.

How life works.

Perhaps he feels his 96 year old father hasn't got much longer alive.

Regarding his son, do you get on with the son? Is it not possible for you to see your partner and him together?

It's tricky. He sounds like a decent man.

55 and 70 is fine. It could be harder when it's 65 and 80.

At 70 years old what does he have that you at only 55 could not find in some one nearer you own age.You are not living together so what is it that brings you to this guy.?

My friend who is 62 and divorced met a man who is 74 they went on hols together and had a good time and day trips. The age gap was too much as she was looking for a relationship he would be 80 in 6 years and she would be 68 she said she did not want to end up being a carer for him in old age so she finished with him. They didn’t live together she wants someone in their 60s but not much older. You have to think of future best u find someone under 60

My ex has been married three times since we split up and the first two insisted on being put before our dd. Should he split up with the current one who is lovely, I don't think our adult dd would be too impressed if someone he had only been seeing for a short time came before her.

Do you really think he should not see his daughter because her visit will coincide with your birthday?

My DH is 8years older than me. We have been married 11years , not first time for either of us, and both have grown up children. Rightly or wrongly I would put my children first although everyone has left the nest

Of course he puts his family first. Do you want to ruin the relationship between him, his father and son? It sounds a happy family thing.
You live separately . Why on earth would he curtail his life for you he enjoys it!
You say you want him to be more possessive of you. Do you really mean you want him to yourself minus his family?
I think you better find a lonely man with no family who wraps you up in cotton wool. You would be better suited.

I want him to feel a little possessife

Be careful what you wish for.
There are threads about possessive partners causing problems.

I’m on my second marriage of nearly 15 years, the first was 30 years. My 28 yr old son will always come before my new husband. That’s just the way it is.

I think you are entitled to call him your partner, regardless of the fact that you don't live together. You appear to be in a committed relationship and a lot of older couples do not live together these days. That does not reduce the importance or relevance of their relationship, in my opinion. If I were you, I'd just see how it goes over the next few months but I would want to feel number one. His son is a grown adult who should be beginning to stand on his own two feet. I have children (20 and 21) but I am fully aware that they will want to lead their own lives and although I will be there for them I won't be putting my life on hold to suit them and I don't think your man should either. Maybe a chat with him to gently tell him that you feel "pushed out" when his son is around may help. He may not even realise that it's an issue for you.
On a secondary note, it is quite a big age gap and if I were you I don't think I'd want to live with him or you could end up being an unpaid carer. Enjoy the relationship as it is and see how it goes. Good luck.

Of course I do not want him to spend time with his daughter when she visits, however she may have other plans anyway. But he is making himself available in case she is spending time here, she has her mother to visit and a wedding to attend. I do think he should find out before telling me that we cannot go away on my birthday. They are adults not children. I love my kids dearly and my grandchildren and my father who I look after too. But he is my partner and once kids and parents have gone that is what we have left. My children do not put me first and I would not expect them to, they have their husbands and wives. But I am always there for them if needed.

He sounds the sort of man that I would value. Is he supposed to put his family on the back burner until you both decide whether you have a future together? I understand it might be irritating for you but I take my hat off too him especially where his 96 year old father is concerned. I think he has more to worry about his father's life running away than with yours!

Thanks for all the messages. I think a year is quite a long time these days in a relationship. He tells people we are partners so that is what I believe. However I must admit he has never told me he loves me, but shows it in many ways.
Surely when you meet someone the possibility is that you may end up marrying in the future, so your husband or wife is the priority. Kids make their own lives and move on. Parents pass away. I have looked after my mother who had dementia for 8 years and now my father, but my ex husband always came first, as did I until things turned bad. I understand he has children as do I and a father. I see mine nearly every day. But I put him first as I am trying to build a relationship. I make him feel special. But I do not feel the same. Some have advised me to get on with my life and thank you for all your advice I will get on with it as I need to start living again.