Is it a bad idea to share my home with daughter and family?

My husband , son and I live with elderly mother. I’m her carer. Husband works. I also looked after father but he sadly died. My mother is hard work. Moaning and demanding. Hardly says please. Expects things she wants done at drop of a hat. Strops if doesn’t get her own way. When anyone visits she is always nice and friendly. Asks to buy things online then says I don’t want it. I cry inside. I’ve lost my life. Sometimes I can’t cope. I just stay hidden from her. If I say anything she says well you are my carer. She’s v rude and ungrateful. My husbands good to put up with her. So no I would keep separate.

I am recently widowed, at the moment drying my eyes from a crying spell, I hate the crying.

so.. my mum lived with me and my dh it worked, but was not easy..

so I always told my two ds not to have either of us living with them if the occasion ever arose

NOW! I so wish they would ask me to live with them, not in the same building,, ideally a granny flat, independent but someone nearby...

of course, all the legalities, what if,,? and what if? need to be covered.

separate, but very nearby would be my choice, if I had a choice, I can`t see them asking me to think about it, especially as I have gone the "equity release" route now.

A lady I knew sold her house and moved into a large 3 story house converted so she had the basement.
Most of her money bought the house. Her daughter and SIL and DGC lived on top 2 floors. 6 months later SIL was having an affair, they were getting divorced and she was having to sell the house as it was in all their names and SIL was entitled to his share. She was very upset at being homeless and told me the rows upstairs she could hear were horrendous. These things happen so go very careful and get good legal advise.

i think that you have gotten on well so far under sad and stressful times - should be fine. definitely have children rent out their home for a year. win win.

Well you've stayed with her for extended periods before, so you know you can get on ok. That's the main hurdle dealt with. I'd go for it.

How you are your father related seems to be a bad predictor of how you and your daughter's family relate.

Your idea of splitting the accommodation seems to me to be excellent. Her living in your house seems a super idea.

It would however be even better if you and the other adults concerned sat down and talked without embarrassment about the pros and cons. of future arrangements, especially how you will share the bills , and how you will maintain privacy.

I think the idea of your DD renting out their house is a good one. They need to employ a letting agency who will deal with all the legalities. Just make sure all ground rules are in place before they move in. Good luck!

Is she your only child? My uncle moved his family in with my grandparents. It worked out fine but, when they died, obviously they left the house to him. My mother was very upset as she got nothing.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Don't do it!

Instead, make your place a "special place" for your family, where the grandkids can have a room specially for them when they come to stay, the whole family can come and stay, but you keep your peace at other times. It's not just their physical presence full time, but the mess that any family make, the noise of teenagers, etc. etc. The only other solution is to use the money from their house to build an annexe onto your place, or extend it so you each have your own spaces which can be completely separate. Maybe convert the garage, the loft, or build into the garden. Be sure to agree some rules in writing and sort out the legalities of shared ownership.

A friend of ours bought the larger family home from her mum, who in turn bought her daughters smaller home close by. It was a win win for them all

polnan, sorry for your loss-

I wouldn't consider it for a minute if I were you.

I foresee potential difficulties:

What do you do if you find it unsatisfactory, but your daughter and son want to continue the arrangement?

How does a joint household affect your pension, income tax?

How will it affect your daughter's inheritance if you are living together when you die?

What will happen if you need to go into care?

Sorry to be blunt, but these things have to be considered.

Do you really want to have 3 generations of the family under one roof?

Would you not prefer to do your own thing while you still can?

I stayed with her after my bereavement on and off for about six months. I really enjoyed helping with the children, taking them to nursery, and I kept myself busy doing household tasks like washing, tidying, cooking an evening meal. She and her partner both said it was a godsend having me there. Of course, I made myself scarce in the evening so they had time together.

The above may be what they're considering- But how you conduct yourself in your own home is different:

I had my father living with me and my husband for ten years, and it was an absolute nightmare! I always swore I would never move in with my children.

You moving in with them is different than them moving in with you- They may be expecting to move in with the mother that moved in with them instead of the daughter whose father moved in with her-

From my experience three generations in one house is not a good idea.
I don’t know how this would work legally but if your daughter is your only child and would like to live in your house, could you let her have your house and the money they make from their home would be used to buy you a smaller house in an area with public transport and near to a hospital and shops within walking distance.
I would definitely say,please don’t do it.

And sorry for your loss also, NannaBanana-

So sorry for your loss Polnan

Personally I wouldn`t.
If you have a large house and it`s possible to divide it that may work as you would be more like neighbours and MAY work.

I'm a fan of multi-generational households- But they're not for everyone-

Would they be able to afford their own home if they could sell their house and move close to you if you downsized and made a good profit on your house and then gave or loaned them that profit money to add to theirs.

Aside from the practical and financial issues: Are you an extrovert, a 'people person' - if you are and the other issues are clear, then just maybe. If you are not - you can act 'people person' but the day will come when you just want to be yourself...

So sorry for your loss Nanna
I'd say it depends on how 'big' your house is and how it's configured.
Ideally, your family would keep their house and rent it for a year to see how it goes. Its independence and an investment.
If it works, I'd get a good architect in to see how you could make it perfect and some privacy for all you could perhaps do that now.

Having looked at many properties earlier in our lives, and seeing friends' housework, it a.azed me what a good architect can do, not necessarily doing anything huge.
You are all very fortunate to have got on together. Also, they were very kind to have you for extended stays. Good luck ♥️

I am sorry for your loss Nanna, I am just wondering if things are moving a bit fast. Its lovely that you get on with the family and it was great that you could stay with them but this is very different from living in the same house week in year out, even if it is large. Your SIL may have been on his best behaviour however kind but can see the advantages to his family. You were already thinking of moving, did you have somewhere you wanted to go? If you want to be near your DD it might be much better for you having your own home and privacy. There are so many what ifs and you are a young widow, in short order the GC won't need looking after. I would be very wary tying yourself down at present.

In my experience those people who are concerned about becoming a nuisance to their families very rarely do become a problem. My own parents-in-law worry about this, but don't really grasp the notion that it would be (is) a privilege to have the opportunity to mirror back to them the care and concern they have always shown me.

One of my neighbour's moved into her mother's home in the exact scenario you have described NannaBanana and it has worked out wonderfully for everybody. In the mother's later years her daughter found it far easier to care for her than if she had had to visit from elsewhere and they maintained a very warm and positive relationship right up until the mother's death a couple of years ago.

My son lives with me because he can't afford to live on a disability pension. It worries me what would happen if I suddenly had to go into a nursing home and had to sell my house to pay for care.