Friends excluding me

Thank you Tilleybelle - I can see your side - we all come from different points of view.

tillybelle Well said.

First of all, I can totally emphasize with how you're feeling. I think this situation happens to many of us. What I have learned is that Jesus brings people in and out of our lives. Some last a season for a reason. Sounds like you were in a clique of high schoolers. Women who haven't boundaries and thought it would be fun to go after your hubby...maybe some jealousy at your good marriage? Never let them know they got to you. Keep your head high and be cordial. Kill your enemies with kindness and maintain your boundaries. Seek other opportunities to bond with other women who have morals.

Ask yourself why they found it so easy to move away from your friendship.
Time to find something else to fulfill you.
Easy come easy go ..you will meet others to be friends with .

Oh grannytotwins That is so sad! People are so unkind! So thoughtless too! I mean, what has age got to do with friendship indeed? Sure, we probably have more in common with our own age-group and thus relate more to each other, but there are many friends from different age groups. Your 'friends' sound false to me. Making such an arbitrary excuse to refuse you into the group! Sounds like you are better off without them. Try and fill your life with other things, interests, groups, places to go. Along the way you will meet people and develop new friendships.
Good luck! Dry your tears and take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something lovely! You deserve it!

@Destin The issues may sound ‘teenage style' to you, but as you can see from the many responses, the 'Grans' take everyone's problems seriously and understand that however simple they might sound, there must be something very upsetting going on for a person to feel motivated to write to a public forum such as ours.

I am deeply moved by the caring answers that everyone has given here. They show deep thought and understanding and a strong desire to try and help eelousia in the hope that her life may become happier. This is what makes GransNet so special for me, the number of very caring and sincere people who share their wisdom and give their time to try and help each other.

I did training as a Counselling psychologist, although it wasn't the main part of my profession and I've been retired for some time. After I retired, because of something that happened to me, I became involved with a small charity helping people mainly online who were troubled by severe bullies or narcissists. We would get letters occasionally which we were sure were hoaxes, maybe written by a narcissist. However we had a policy to take every letter seriously. You cannot tell if someone is in deep distress, alone and crying for help and this is like a last clutching at a straw for them. Even a letter that sounds a bit silly or childish, or a problem that sounds immature, may be masking a terrible distress and the person is not able to express themselves very well. Some situations are just the tip of the iceberg, and the matter about which a person writes may be just the last straw in a succession of terrible difficulties because of something going on in their life which they have no control over. It could even be that they are married to a narcissist or a psychopathic person! These types are extremely cunning at hiding their nasty nature and come across as charming and likeable to everyone else but give their partner a life of unmitigated hell. That is just an example. Other reasons could be depression, poor housing, exhaustion, poverty, so many things - just use your imagination. But one thing happens that just pushes the person over the edge and stops their ability to cope and they write asking for help about that thing.

I never underestimate the misery a person is feeling when they ask for help, no matter what their problem. I am so proud of GransNet because the vast majority (all but you here, so far, I think) have the same outlook and always take time to help, no matter what the original poster asks about. God Bless you all, dear kind Grans Netters!

I certainly didn’t expect to read ‘teenage style issues’ on a Gransnet site! Wouldn’t have thought this would work - so many of the readers here have more pressing issues (health, finances, relationship with grandchildren etc.) in order to seek advice.

Flirting and texting your husband? Not a friend I’d like to have.. I say things as I see them also....my friends love me for that as they know exactly where they stand ...don’t change yourself..change your friends ?

If you would gain satisfaction approach one of the friends you have felt comfortable with and let her know what happened. Then, unless the group acknowledge to you they have been duped by the culprit just move on. You say yourself you have always felt 'apart' from the group so what's to lose. Good Luck.

Hello eelouisa. It sounds as if you are feeling down about what happened but honestly, if you feel you are not part of this 'mainstream' group of people because you are straightforward and open in your views, then you are much better off without them. I am not suggesting they are bad people but many people, as I have learned through life myself, prefer not to live in the real world. Be grateful that you are as you are but know that sometimes we have to 'soften' our edges. Being this way does scare people as they are frightened of the truth, but remember, it is only the truth as you see or believe it. You will find like minded people and I wish you well along the way. Remember though, take the softer route when airing your views. Very best wishes

I think the friendship has run it’s course the time you have to them can now be utilised in making friends with people who you have things in common.

optimist I am not surprised that upset you! Your old “friend” sounds very unkind and I am glad you have moved on

@*eelousia*. I've been catching up on the problems you've been having from the two times you wrote to us in December and the message about going away for Christmas you sent in January.

I think there is a lot going on in your life especially since your son was born. I apologise for getting his age wrong on this thread, I think he is just about a year old, is that right? You said in the past that your husband is unhappy and resents being the sole bread-winner, that your MiL treats you appallingly badly and derides your mothering skills, and that you have felt so unhappy in the marriage you have fantasised about leaving but would not do so for the sake of your son. You seem to have a very unsupportive husband whom you describe a 'emotionally immature' and say he discusses you with his mother whose English is poor and who ignores you a lot when you try and speak to her. Now you feel rejected by your old friends.

You have written to us so many details that it is clear you find your life is filled with unhappy relationships. I think you must get help. Go to your Doctor and explain that everything is getting on top of you and you have no support at home, in fact the reverse. Ask for counselling. You would benefit from seeing someone outside the situation who can support you and help you sort out your feelings and priorities. Does your MiL live with you? You said she would rush into the baby's room at night and she would grab him from your arms. She sounds horrendous. You do need someone to talk to about her, let alone everything else!

Stop worrying about those friends. Do keep a healthy routine of going out and taking your son to Mother and Toddler groups and any other groups for his age that you can find. I would get out as much as I could if I were you. I imagine your DH knows no different than to be subservient to his mother, but you are the mother in this household and what you say goes. Try to support him regarding his job, which you say he hates, try to show him you appreciate his keeping at it for his family. I think you need to tell him it is hurtful that he talks about you to his mother. Also the issue about the texting girl needs to be in the open. How did she get his number?

You are carrying a great load of worries. I don't want you to become overwhelmed by them. You need to find somewhere that you can go for support to talk over all the worries and difficulties in your life. It sounds as if the MiL may be the source of much of it. While she is destabilising the family dynamics between your husband and you and your son, you are not bonding as a family. You need help. I hope and pray that you find the right help soon.

Meanwhile, keep healthy, don't dwell on those friends, remember you are doing a good job as a mum, try and find mum and toddler groups to go to, eat well, and try not to allow MiL to upset you. Ride over it somehow. Distance yourself as much as you can.
With best wishes
Elle x

are you sure they were genuinely flirty messages and not just 'fun' ones that you are maybe overreacting to because you were in a bad place at the time? How did your husband react to them? Did he take them seriously?

Seefah I am really sorry to read about the bad time you had at the hands of those mean people. I am so glad it is over and you have decent friends now.

It reminded me of the things that the Counsellors always say. That is, do not set your happiness and self-worth in what other people think of you. Believe in yourself. Learn to love and trust yourself. When you come from a well-grounded and secure place inside, then the bad things others say or do to you cannot hurt you because your inner strength holds you together. You know who you are. You do not need validation from others to know that you are a decent and worthwhile person.

petalmoore. I like what you said about having confidence in your own worth. It's so easy to feel low when you feel rejected. I really do think that the experience the OP is having does not reflect on her at all but says more about the group.
petalmoore, I am so sorry to hear of the illnesses you have had to endure. I admire you for getting through them and being able to speak so helpfully about the experiences you had. I sincerely hope you are much better now and that life is going well for you.
I tend to isolate myself these days, but then my life is different and I am old and things are very different now from when I was young with young children. Also I am not unhappy being on my own. The time still flies by!
I am confident that this young mum will make some friends just in the daily rounds of life. Taking her baby to the various baby groups is a good start. Just mixing with others, it doesn't have to be a close relationship.

There are lots and lots of people out there, who can be your new friends.
Don't go looking for them. They will just be there when you least expect them.
Take care x

Where does the OP explicitly say she had a baby? When I read this I wondered if she ‘d had a breakdown (‘I lost myself’). People can tend to distance themselves from somebody who’s having serious health problems, as I know from experience, having had cancer in my twenties, and it can be very hurtful. Depression and anxiety can also be very isolating, and one’s own feelings of being cut off from others may be reinforced by others trying to get them to look on the bright side, and to think positive. People can be frightened of others’ pain - maybe it reminds them of how fragile happiness can be, and how little control we actually have over our own lives. During a lifetime we will probably all experience that sense of isolation, and whatever the reason for it, the advice that’s been offered here will have been tried and tested by experience, and has worked for them. Tillybelles approach resonates particularly for me - it involves takin a fresh look at people with shared interests at the same time as having confidence in your own worth, and learning to like yourself. Treat yourself as you would a beloved friend who’s going through a hard time. You know you’ve been welcomed here and you can take comfort from that too. Good luck and go well.

2 points:- how did she get your husbands number: and I think you have been "smeared"by this woman to your other friends. Do they know about her texting your husband?

eelousia - there are three things to consider her:
1) if these 'friends' are excluding you they are not friends so try to make new ones.
2) when you called out your 'friend' about flirting with your husband did you also bring up the issue with him? And if you didn't ask yourself why and what were you afraid of.
3) you say you 'lost yourself' and weren't working for a while - so I wonder whether you were mentally fragile at this point and whether your interpretation of events is highly subjective.

I wonder whether there is just one of those friends who you think you might be able to trust who you can talk about these things with - oh and definitely, show other people the texts the other 'friend' sent to get another take on matters. Hope you feel better soon.

Just because you have known someone for many years does not mean you have to stay friends. Friends should enrich your life and be on your side to support you in life and vice versa. Some people can be too honest to the point of hurt and is that really necessary. As others have said sometimes it’s best to let things ride over you if they are worth your friendship. On the subject of the flirting it was a betrayal of friendship and what was she thinking! You need to make new friends which I know is sometimes difficult as a lot seem cosied up with their own groups and don’t let anyone in. I’m not going to say take up a hobby etc but it can help and sometimes we just have too keep smiling and trying and most of all be genuine and tactful. Good luck

They don’t really sound like friends to me eelouisa and one flirting and messaging your husband!! I’d blow a gasket, but I would be wondering firstly how she got my husbands number, as mine doesn’t give his number out to my friends! Like others have said this girl has maybe told lies about you, she doesn’t sound a very nice person, Do you actually need these friends, if you feel you do then speak to them without her being around, but sadly some friendships don’t last, people move in different directions, it’s the way life is, you say you have always been slightly dif to them in a few ways, Eg, dress sense but to me that’s good, it shows individuality who wants to be a follower anyway: you are your own person, br kind to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, you can make new friends by joining groups. There’s lots of different ways, good luck eelouisa, x

they are called your friends ? hmm i think not .,flirting with your husband was not on ,.they wouldnt like it if it was done to them .like the person above .its time to move on .join some groups .take up walking (clears the mind). also this is GRANSNET ..for the older persons.. but we glad to give our point of view. ..move on and make new friends.if you see the old ones .just say hello and nothing else. no apologies for being out spoken .just say hi.

Same thing happened to me. I had a very close group of friends . One got jealous and spoon fed the others with lies about me and they all stopped talking to me. It was awful, knocked my confidence, my esteem, broke my heart, and I cried buckets but I never spoke to them again. I’d rather eat my carpet. Took a while but now I have much better quality friends , more intelligent, loyal, and honest.

@eelousia
Sorry I sent above off-subject message! I'm back now - change of plans, and can devote my thoughts to your sad situation.

I am truly sorry you have had this happen. It's a horrible experience and takes a very tough person to get through it without feeling very hurt. I really do think it's them and not you. I also think that the texting girl has caused the problem and you were right to set her straight.
I would look at all the help given here and think which is most likely to work for you. I tend to think that trying to keep going and planning as full a life as you can is a healthy way forward. Going to groups where young mums meet, joining a gym or exercise class, book group, just doing whatever you can to get out and be with people even if you don't particularly know them. Was there anyone in the group with whom you did get on more than the others? Could you invite her round for coffee or ask to meet up somewhere just for a social chat? Just set the ball rolling, you may not want to put her on the spot and say were they avoiding you. Or you could say it as a joke, something like "I haven't seen everyone for so long I thought you were all avoiding me! chuckle chuckle". If the conversation goes well you might be able to say you told flirty girl to stop texting your partner. But be kind to her, don't put too much of your distress on her. I would like to think you could meet one or two of the nicer members of the group starting with a short session say, for a coffee.

It certainly may be true that flirty girl has blackened your name to the others. I think this could have happened to me. A woman friend of mine was ill and I helped her out. When she was better, I was at her house, waiting for her to get ready to go out, I was driving. Her husband came into the room and I said it must have been hard for him when his wife was ill. To my surprise he hugged me. It was a completely friendly hug which he did, not I. However I think she might have seen and as she is very jealous, since then I have heard nothing at all from her or the group with whom I usually met her. However, I don't think they all see me as a husband-snatcher as I met one of them and she was very kind and friendly. In your case, surely they are sensible enough to have their own opinions after knowing you for 18 years? I wonder if they have just drifted away without any bad reason, but just haven't been organised in arranging meetings. Maybe you could try and meet up with some of them just to see what the reaction is? If you sense they are avoiding you, then ask them outright if this is so and why. You were confident and wise enough to tell the flirty girl what she was doing wrong, so use this confidence to ask whether they are avoiding you. I would make this approach kindly and gently in case there is nothing bad going on. It would be a pity to put their backs up if they just thought you were busy with your baby and couldn't join them at the moment.

Whatever you find, remember that life always brings changes, some of which are unwelcome and not what we expect. Go with the flow and keep making a good life for yourself. Be friendly with people you meet and, as I said, try out new things which will give you the opportunity to widen the circle of people you meet. If you don't meet anyone for a while, don't let it bother you. I found that I made a lot of friends through my children, by meeting them at the groups where we went when they were little, or later at the school gate. Other friends I met when studying and through my interests which are writing and singing and music.

I wish you every bit of good luck. Don't lose confidence in yourself. Things will improve. I believe you will make friends through meeting people when you are out with your adorable baby.

Don't lose heart! Keep saying "so" ? (for introductory effect it works - I learned on one of my many creative writing courses!) Thanks for coming to us oldies, it's so encouraging to think a young mum values our experience.
With lots of love
Elle x