Help My Daughters Husband has changed his mind & wont allow my Daughter to celebrate my 50th Birthday with me

Yes I believed her. I always believed her I always believe its better to believe a child & be wrong than not to believe her & find out she was being honest.

Luckily she didn’t go & stay with her D he had asked her to & she said yes even thought a few years back he made a comment on how quickly his D was growing up esp in certain places & that’s when he touched one of her breasts. She told me & of course I confronted him about it & how inappropriate & embarrassing it was for her

His excuse was she’s his baby & he didn’t see anything wrong in it but he wouldn’t do it again

After my D told me about the phone calls between them which were very inappropriate. While they were having a conversation my D could her strange noises in the back ground & asked what it was & he said it was a film with a man with a very big penis but he used the word c**k & does she want to come & watch it with Daddy ( I feel physically nausea telling you this)

If she hadn’t of heard what she heard in the back ground she was planning on him picking her up & she was going to spend some time at his house ( the thought of what could of happened scares me to death)

He knew our D was being a terrible teenager & the police had got involved because I rang them out of fear when she ran away from home on a few occasions

Her D knowing this told her if she told anybody what he had been saying to her no one would believe her because of her behaviour

But I listened into a few conversations & taped them although the sound wasn’t great quality back then

But we had witnesses & I phoned the police who brought him in for questioning. But my D wouldn’t go to court she said she just couldn’t do that. As much as I wanted him punished I had to stand by what y D wanted to do

Hence why I can’t understand why after 7 yrs of nearly all of his family turning their back on her when they contacted her she let them all back in even her D

She said she was waiting for an apology, which to this day she has never received

She’s gone way way way out of her way to visit him & his family with her 2 D And let him visit her where we lie now a 600 mike round trip
Her H has supported her although he doesn’t support her seeing me

Her H even blamed me for what happened with her D !!!!

Even though she was being an awful teenager. Lieing stealing running away even on her own to boys houses she had just met. She & her friend told me her friend was being sexually abused by her father. I found out that they were lieing because I said the girl couldn’t stay that. When I said I couldn’t keep that information to my self her friend said she was sorry but she was lieing. I didnt know what to believe.

At the time I had a very good circle of family & friends who asked me & her if we wanted some space

My D stayed with my Brother & DIL who said after a week they couldn’t have her any longer because she was causing to much trouble for their family. She would disappear in the middle of the night to be picked up by a boy/man 20yrs old. She was stealing money & cigarettes

She stayed with other friends ( my longest dearest friend who is coMing to butlins but she told them too many lies.

My Dad couldn’t help because of his partner my Mum lived abroad at the time so I paid for her to travel to stay with my Mum & her Husband she told them so many lies that she nearly ruined our relationship

Even my Boss ( who I’d worked for for 10 yrs ) so was a good friend asked if she wanted to stay with them my D agreed. But after 2 weeks of them dropping her off to friends when they went to pick her up she wasn’t there they spent hours looking for her in the end they said they couldn’t do anymore

She scared me she was 3 stone heavier than me & 4 inches taller. She had hit me a few time.

I nearly lost my job because I had to keep leaving the office to go find her. I went from 9 stone to 6 stone within 2 mths. I would literally drive her to school everyday watch her walk in then the school would phone & say she hasn’t turned up yet again

She said the teachers didn’t like her & she was being bullied & wanted to change schools so to be at the same school as ( her longest friend the one that she asked to come to Butlin with us ) I agreed bought her the school uniform they wore there & drove her an extra 1hr round trip. Then after 4 weeks she wasn’t happy & wanted to go back to her previous school, who were good enough to take her back

I don’t care about the money. I just care about my D & 2 GD’s
Iv loaned them so much money over the years I’m guilt tripped into buying expensive presents.
I’m sent photos of my G D’s crying because they want to go on holiday or an expensive school trip. You name they’ve done it

Yes i am stupid to allow myself to be treated like this but the thought of not being allowed to see my GD’s is so painful I can physically feel my heart breaking

And my D was the one who said we should go to Butlins, she had been before & enjoyed it. It’s not my kind of thing to be honest but I was over the moon that she wanted to go away with me for my Birthday. She phoned her longest friend & pleaded with her to get certain dates off of work
My dearest friend & her Daughter are so upset & annoyed with her

Replying to the person who said I shouldn’t buy the expensive presents
When I said I wasn’t going to spend £300 on a hoover board one year my D & her H said that they would buy their D’s the fake ones that burst into flames & have killed one child & burnt other children very badly

I said you can’t guilt trip me to that. Their answer was if anything happened to my GD’s it would be my fault & I would have to live with that for the rest of my life & if I don’t buy them what they ask for I mm not a good GM & wouldn’t be allowed to see them ever again

Replying to the person who asked about my illnesses. I have Osteoporosis. Fibromyalgia. Celiac Disease. Ulcerated Colitis. Chronic pain Disease. Prolapse womb with so many fibroids they couldn’t she my womb through an X-ray so I have had quite a view operations including a hysterectomy & A lumpectomy
I walk with 2 walking sticks, I’m 49 yrs old. To add to that I’m now suffering with severe depression & anxiety because my D & her H have changed their minds about my D being allowed to come to Butlins ( even though I didn’t even want to go I only agreed but my D wanted to go)
And now Iv been blocked from contacting them in anyway

The person who said our family is incestuous. Yes my D Father is sick.

But my SIL father went to prison for raping a disabled teenager who couldn’t talk , his job was to drive disabled youngsters to places & homes again.

My SIL doesn’t shave anything to do with any of his family that are older than him his M & all of his 6 siblings apart from his sister who has cerebral palsy which he uses her disability benefit to hire a brand new 4 x4 car

He also sees his 2 Nieces who are it younger than him who look up to him like a god

One of his N boyfriend had sex with her M who his my SIL Sister. But he’s ok with that he spends a lot of time with that boy

I feel I live in the sickest saddest loneliness Soap opera

I apologise to anybody Iv offended

I know life is precious, but to me it’s the hardest thing to get through. I take it a day at a time. I just don’t know how much longer I can take it

Why are they treating me so terrible when Iv done so much to help them. More than anyone else has ever done for them X

OP, what are your physical health problems please?

I feel so sorry for you. Firstly, because of all your illnesses and, secondly, all this trouble with your daughter and her husband.

He has behaved badly to you but I think you'll have to leave it or risk further trouble. Yes, you ought to be repaid but I think you will lose more than you gain if you insist on repayment.

I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday with your friend. Perhaps other friends can take the now spare tickets.

Some excellent advice on here NannyKisses.
Talk to someone. Phone the Samaratans,
116123 from any phone.

This is too much anguish for you to bear alone.
Looks like you may have to have the actual birthday without your daughter but you can enjoy it with your friend.

You are at the climacteric stage in your life too when hormones abound. It's a time of transition. It is quite usual to have stronger feelings around this time. It used to be called the change of life- For a reason.

This is controlling behaviour by your dil and therefore domestic abuse. You need to step back but be there fore your daughter when she needs you. I suggest you invite someone else to your birthday do. At the end of the day it is up to your daughter to stand up for herself and say I am going but at the moment she isn't. Also don't fall into the trap of doing what the dil asks regarding Xmas presents.

I have counselling & even the counsellor said she would find it (hard?) to go on if she had my problems & health.

So going to any type of club to meet people would be to hard & painful to do on regular basis.

I really do not understand the comments above. I am not sure that a counsellor would say what you quote, with the meaning you have given it, although she may have reflcted what you said back to you.

I also cannot see why finding something, other than your family, that captures your interest, whether hang gliding or cross stitch could be hard & painful to do on regular basis

Nannykisses I think you are in a very deep hole and cannot stop digging, almost do not want to stop digging. Indeed, I suspect you posted on GN expecting validation of your position, rather than the critique (not criticism) you have had.

I think you desperately need psychological help, but suspect that unless you can see, that despite the difficulties your daughter has, from your description, in a very dysfunctiona marriage that there are clearly several generations of dysfunctional families in your family and you probably do not know how a functional family works.

If you can dismantle some of the barriers you have built up and accept that you are caught in a downward spiral that you cannot get out of unless you look at things from outside your barriers, then I think there is help for you. But I am not sure that you are there yet.

This is such a tangled web and according to your last post everybody has had sex with everybody else so much intertwined I couldn’t follow it mothers, nieces, nephews it all sounds almost incestuous Maybe you are just so all consumed that you re writing it down in a hurry but if these posts are how your brain is working you really really do need to calm down,be that a gps visit, some mental health intervention, medication or some proper counselling, You are in a total head storm and you will not sort this out alone. In the meantime you must stop putting so much dreadful pressure on your daughter and grandchild they are not yours any more they need to do what’s right for themselves
Stop pressuring them so much stop giving out money like sweets and for goodness sake stop idolising them and making them responsible for your state of mind YOU alone are responsible for that
So sorry this sounds hard but I m not sure you realise what YOU are doing to YOURSELF

It's not really constructive to contact your daughter on a daily basis for weeks when you are sure that her husband has stopped her from coming. It achieves nothing and is never going to change anyone's mind. Best thing would be to go back to your GP and ask for some help. I would also suggest that you speak to the Samaritans. You don't have an alternative but to let this go. It's not what you want and it may not be fair but you may find happiness if you can live with it. It would be a good idea to build a life away from your daughter. At least build some new relationships/interests that give you some pleasure and interest.

Sorry about your birthday celebration going awry. Could you go see your son-in_law and explain this will be your last kind of big celebration you will be able to do. Is there any way your daughter can come along? (Dont mention money, family problems or anything else). If the answer is still no, perhaps just find someone else to go. On your return maybe yourself and daughter can go out for a meal to mark your special birthday. I find it sad that your family don't seem keen to celebrate but if your daughter has to ask her husbands permission, there are obviously issues there. It could also mean he controls the money. You need to go softly with this as you don't know what is going on in your daughters life with this man. Like others suggest, counselling for the issues your family has seems the way to go. Please just make the best of your day and try to enjoy your birthday the best you can. Your daughter may well be disappointed, but from the sounds of things, there is much more going on here.

You do need some help with all this NannyKisses talk to some outside agency about your feelings. You seem to be over invested in your daughter and family its time to withdraw a little and sort out your emotions. Could you still go on your weekend break just to get a bit of breathing space. Please talk to your GP about counselling or support groups.

Nannykisses Please seek help to help you through your feelings and upset. Grey Mars suggestion of the Samaritans is a good one

You cannot have your dd and dg as your only reason for living. It is dysfunctional. Just because it is what you do now it does not mean it is the best for you and dd and dg.

When your dd was abused by her father, did you believe her?

You mention it is not the first time you pay for her and she doesn't make it and she owed you money.
Stop paying for her! Why do you keep doing that and are surprised of the outcome?

"I have counselling & even the counsellor said she would find it to go on if she had my problems & health"
What does it mean?

Please contact the Samaritans.

Nannan2. You’re right he doesn’t have a relationship with his mum has only met his dad twice because he was in prison for raping a disabled teenager

He has no relationship with any of his family unless they are younger & look up to him

He even has a relationship with his nieces boyfriend who was unfaithful to his niece by having sex with her mum ( my Sil my D husband Sister)
His niece for gave him & so has my SIL

Thank you every body for your replies

But I can’t see the wood for the trees atm. I wish I wasn’t here. There’s so many people who want to live who are fighting to stay alive & I wish I wasn’t life isn’t fair x

NannyKisses, please try not to think of your birthday as a big important event. It is only a number. Many adults forget their own birthdays as they are not interested in birthdays.

You have to resign yourself to however your relations decide to spend their time and who they hang out with. The reason you have to resign yourself to this is you have no power to do otherwise.

Once you stop panicking about having nobody else and living for these relations you will feel a lot better, I promise you. And your relations will feel easier in your company when you cease to have expectations.

I think you need a new counsellor, that's a terrible thing to say x

I think your daughter sounds like she has been through an awful lot and is still going through it.
I'd leave it.
Always be there when she needs you and just focus on your birthday.

A registered councellor said that? Doesn't sound professional at all.

agnurse. Thank you for reply. But they are all I live for

I have no family but them. Both my parents died in their 60’s a few years ago then m Grandmother & a best friend

I moved into a bungalow because of my health & I have no friends near by

I have counselling & even the counsellor said she would find it to go on if she had my problems & health

So going to any type of club to meet people would be to hard & painful to do on regular basis

I haven’t said to my daughter that she & GD are all I live for

She has no idea how much pain I’m in & how lonely I am

And please,get some counselling sorted to talk over all your problems.it will help.Good luck.

Yes its very worrying that you're saying that, your life is NOT just the both of them,and what of your friends? The other ladies going on the trip? You cant let them down too,they too are angry& upset that your daughter is not going,so please,all of you go& try to enjoy yourselves,let your hair down.try see if any one of you has another friend who may like to go too,? Enjoy it.and maybe make a going out night a regular thing? With those 2friends,or others.expand your life.Your daughters the one missing out.not you.

And she (a grown woman?) Is doing exactly what hes telling her?? Well yes hes controlling,and shes being subservient,doing as shes told.im thinking he IS encouraging her to see her father,but why would a nice guy ( good husband& father) do that? Why would he want his daughters near him? Theres more issues here than is healthy? No man should be dictating wether his wife visits or spends time with her own mum,what the heck is wrong with him? Im thinking maybe he doesnt have a good relationship with his own mother/ family? So cant see what the big deal is? He probably has his own issues, but that doesnt excuse his controlling behaviour.you can tell her many times.but she will have to see it for herself in order to be free of this toxic relationship and/or the one with her dad.in meantime,try get someone else to go in her place,to recoup the cost.in future dont arrange to go places with her,as you will maybe end up with egg on your face again,if she lets you down.its like she dupes you into 'proving' you love her by doing these things,to throw it back at you.maybe she (wrongly) is blaming you too for her dads wrong doing? Its NOT your fault.DONT take any blame.just try rebuild your relationship with her,but dont agree to any trips away with her.and dont enter into any blame games with her husband either.just hope she sees through him before too long.

I see a few issues here.

1. You cannot get involved in your daughter's marriage. Full stop. That's between her and her husband. You do not know all that goes on between them every single day, nor should you. By definition a parent is not an objective third-party when it comes to a child's relationships, because a parent's instinct is to protect a child.

2. Your daughter and GD cannot be all you live for. That's an enormous emotional burden to put on someone. You need to have something else in your life. You may well benefit from some counselling.

Mummyofmadboys

Iv that a few times. They owe me so much money

But she promised she wouldn’t do it again

I’m only 49 I have several painful illnesses
I used to have a high powered job & have a good salary but my life has changed so much

My Daughter & GD are all I live for

I just do not know how much longer I can take this. I’m serious I’m in physical & emotional pain. My life is not worth living without them x

Greymar. I tried that I paid for a counsellor but they wouldn’t go sometime later I paid for a mediator which they came to we signed the agreements we had both agreed to. Then with weeks he went against what he had signed that he had agreed to & told me to go f**k my self & your never seeing your Daughter or Granddaughters again that was a couple of years ago. I was in a terrible state but I let dust settle & started talking to my Daughter again & she asked to meet me one day & said she wanted to see me & for the Grand daughters to be able to see me

Her husband has a pattern of after Xmas he stops me seeing them. Because before Xmas he gives me a list of what I can buy the children each present £200 plus. Plus I bought him & my Dauggter a present of £2pp each

I’m so worried about the damage he is doing to my Daughter & Granddaughters x