Help My Daughters Husband has changed his mind & wont allow my Daughter to celebrate my 50th Birthday with me

Are you sure she hasn't changed her mind and is using him as an excuse because he has agreed to take the blame to protect her? My husband has done that for me. Maybe you both need to work on your relationship before planning trips away together x

Your daughter asked her husband and he said SHE CANNOT GO AND SHE IS DOING WHAT HE SAYS? Then you say he has encouraged her to build a relationship with a father who sexually abused her!!

Forget all all she says about him not being a controlling husband he is most emphatically just that and the way he wants her to reconnect with a sexually abusive father and allow him contact with their two young daaughters would make me very worried about the danger he may be to them.

Perhaps another poster can suggest solutions. All I can do is ask you to step back look at your daughter's marriage with a cool clear eye and try to think how this cannot be a controlling marriage with a father of daughters who is acting in a way that would leave me worrying about the danger of sexual abuse.

M0nica her Husband is not encoroughing her to have a relationship with her Father but has has gone along with it

As I said. Her Father doesn’t even bother with her at all he just gives the bare minimum on birthday & Christmas he’s only seen the younger Granddaughters who is 7yrs old 4 times

But it does still worry me that they have gone out of their way driving 600 round trips to see him
My Daughter said each time it was for closure & an apology which she has never received from him
But her her husband is totally against her having a relationship with me. When I do & have done EVERYTHING to help them all as a family & individually debts place to live big expensive presents & lots & lots of love
My Daughter & I have had a up & down relationship partly because of her allowing her Dad I her & her Daughters Lives
We have been having a great relationship for the past 6 mths & everything was looking great until her husband said she can’t come now she’s blocked me. I’m desperately hurting x

I think you should back off Nannykisses. Invite another friend to take her place. I think you will just have to stand the loss. Don't let your relationship with your DD deteriorate further because of this. It is not worth it.

Please don't think I mean to be unkind but maybe asking for the money was the wrong way to go. Understandable given your upset and frustration but would have pushed her further away. Maybe give her some space for a bit, then send an apology, no ifs or buts, and tell her you are always here if she needs you, then leave the ball in her court. I can't really comment on her husband given the info but if there is abuse there she just won't see it until she sees it and maybe won't hear it from you if there have been past problems x

NK, you seem to get yourself into some family scrapes? Sorry if that sounds unkind, that is not my intention. Could you talk to a prefessional and try to unpick and understand what is going on?

Yennifer. It was my Daughters idea to go to Butlins she’s sorted her fancy dress & sent me a photo. She asked her best friend who is. Y best friend Daughter

It is her husband

She has done this a couple of times before & Iv suffered the loss of money m
We have been having a great relationship

Her husband snaps his fingers & she does what he says every time everyone can see it but her

I just can’t understand why he is ok with her father especially after what he did when she was 11 but he’s not ok with me it’s so unfair
They are the only family I have left & I can’t take it much more

Every time my daughter & I make arrangements & if he finds out he moves the goal posts

She meets me secretly because he would say no x

Greymar. I tried that I paid for a counsellor but they wouldn’t go sometime later I paid for a mediator which they came to we signed the agreements we had both agreed to. Then with weeks he went against what he had signed that he had agreed to & told me to go f**k my self & your never seeing your Daughter or Granddaughters again that was a couple of years ago. I was in a terrible state but I let dust settle & started talking to my Daughter again & she asked to meet me one day & said she wanted to see me & for the Grand daughters to be able to see me

Her husband has a pattern of after Xmas he stops me seeing them. Because before Xmas he gives me a list of what I can buy the children each present £200 plus. Plus I bought him & my Dauggter a present of £2pp each

I’m so worried about the damage he is doing to my Daughter & Granddaughters x

Mummyofmadboys

Iv that a few times. They owe me so much money

But she promised she wouldn’t do it again

I’m only 49 I have several painful illnesses
I used to have a high powered job & have a good salary but my life has changed so much

My Daughter & GD are all I live for

I just do not know how much longer I can take this. I’m serious I’m in physical & emotional pain. My life is not worth living without them x

I see a few issues here.

1. You cannot get involved in your daughter's marriage. Full stop. That's between her and her husband. You do not know all that goes on between them every single day, nor should you. By definition a parent is not an objective third-party when it comes to a child's relationships, because a parent's instinct is to protect a child.

2. Your daughter and GD cannot be all you live for. That's an enormous emotional burden to put on someone. You need to have something else in your life. You may well benefit from some counselling.

And she (a grown woman?) Is doing exactly what hes telling her?? Well yes hes controlling,and shes being subservient,doing as shes told.im thinking he IS encouraging her to see her father,but why would a nice guy ( good husband& father) do that? Why would he want his daughters near him? Theres more issues here than is healthy? No man should be dictating wether his wife visits or spends time with her own mum,what the heck is wrong with him? Im thinking maybe he doesnt have a good relationship with his own mother/ family? So cant see what the big deal is? He probably has his own issues, but that doesnt excuse his controlling behaviour.you can tell her many times.but she will have to see it for herself in order to be free of this toxic relationship and/or the one with her dad.in meantime,try get someone else to go in her place,to recoup the cost.in future dont arrange to go places with her,as you will maybe end up with egg on your face again,if she lets you down.its like she dupes you into 'proving' you love her by doing these things,to throw it back at you.maybe she (wrongly) is blaming you too for her dads wrong doing? Its NOT your fault.DONT take any blame.just try rebuild your relationship with her,but dont agree to any trips away with her.and dont enter into any blame games with her husband either.just hope she sees through him before too long.

Yes its very worrying that you're saying that, your life is NOT just the both of them,and what of your friends? The other ladies going on the trip? You cant let them down too,they too are angry& upset that your daughter is not going,so please,all of you go& try to enjoy yourselves,let your hair down.try see if any one of you has another friend who may like to go too,? Enjoy it.and maybe make a going out night a regular thing? With those 2friends,or others.expand your life.Your daughters the one missing out.not you.

And please,get some counselling sorted to talk over all your problems.it will help.Good luck.

agnurse. Thank you for reply. But they are all I live for

I have no family but them. Both my parents died in their 60’s a few years ago then m Grandmother & a best friend

I moved into a bungalow because of my health & I have no friends near by

I have counselling & even the counsellor said she would find it to go on if she had my problems & health

So going to any type of club to meet people would be to hard & painful to do on regular basis

I haven’t said to my daughter that she & GD are all I live for

She has no idea how much pain I’m in & how lonely I am

A registered councellor said that? Doesn't sound professional at all.

I think your daughter sounds like she has been through an awful lot and is still going through it.
I'd leave it.
Always be there when she needs you and just focus on your birthday.

I think you need a new counsellor, that's a terrible thing to say x

NannyKisses, please try not to think of your birthday as a big important event. It is only a number. Many adults forget their own birthdays as they are not interested in birthdays.

You have to resign yourself to however your relations decide to spend their time and who they hang out with. The reason you have to resign yourself to this is you have no power to do otherwise.

Once you stop panicking about having nobody else and living for these relations you will feel a lot better, I promise you. And your relations will feel easier in your company when you cease to have expectations.

Nannan2. You’re right he doesn’t have a relationship with his mum has only met his dad twice because he was in prison for raping a disabled teenager

He has no relationship with any of his family unless they are younger & look up to him

He even has a relationship with his nieces boyfriend who was unfaithful to his niece by having sex with her mum ( my Sil my D husband Sister)
His niece for gave him & so has my SIL

Thank you every body for your replies

But I can’t see the wood for the trees atm. I wish I wasn’t here. There’s so many people who want to live who are fighting to stay alive & I wish I wasn’t life isn’t fair x

Please contact the Samaritans.

You cannot have your dd and dg as your only reason for living. It is dysfunctional. Just because it is what you do now it does not mean it is the best for you and dd and dg.

When your dd was abused by her father, did you believe her?

You mention it is not the first time you pay for her and she doesn't make it and she owed you money.
Stop paying for her! Why do you keep doing that and are surprised of the outcome?

"I have counselling & even the counsellor said she would find it to go on if she had my problems & health"
What does it mean?

Nannykisses Please seek help to help you through your feelings and upset. Grey Mars suggestion of the Samaritans is a good one

You do need some help with all this NannyKisses talk to some outside agency about your feelings. You seem to be over invested in your daughter and family its time to withdraw a little and sort out your emotions. Could you still go on your weekend break just to get a bit of breathing space. Please talk to your GP about counselling or support groups.

Sorry about your birthday celebration going awry. Could you go see your son-in_law and explain this will be your last kind of big celebration you will be able to do. Is there any way your daughter can come along? (Dont mention money, family problems or anything else). If the answer is still no, perhaps just find someone else to go. On your return maybe yourself and daughter can go out for a meal to mark your special birthday. I find it sad that your family don't seem keen to celebrate but if your daughter has to ask her husbands permission, there are obviously issues there. It could also mean he controls the money. You need to go softly with this as you don't know what is going on in your daughters life with this man. Like others suggest, counselling for the issues your family has seems the way to go. Please just make the best of your day and try to enjoy your birthday the best you can. Your daughter may well be disappointed, but from the sounds of things, there is much more going on here.