Step-daughters taking my DH out without me

I cant stand "invite everyone to everything" people.

I like big get togethers but they drain me
Vs small grouos of 2 or 3 lift me up

I once feel out with a friend over it. 3rd friend had a break up and invited us both out for a drink to be her shoulders to cry on. Other friend messaged all of our wider group about it.
I told her that if she wants to plan something for everyone, fine! Do that anothet day! But 3rd friend needed just her closest 2 that night!

My mum died when I was 14 and my dad didn't remarry but honestly no one could have ever taken her place on mothers day, no matter how wonderful she was, not even mother Teresa. They're adults and you have your own children to spend the day with. There is no reason for you to feel put out at all.

No need to shout, Paddyanne.
The poster will know the answer to the questions; I don't.

I think it’s ok that they spend time that time with their dad. They were quite young when they lost her and they might want to ask lots of questions about her as they grow older and realise a lot they don’t know about her and they might not feel comfortable asking in front of you. I lost my dad and couldn’t ever talk about him in front of my step dad and my mum was never alone. So I couldn’t talk about my dad for 22 years, which was a bit painful.

I’m sorry you’re hurting Mary. That it’s be very hard.

However, I do think it’s good for your husband to have time with his children alone. Mother’s Day makes a lot of sense really. They likely want to remember her privately.

I hope you find peacd

Any other day, fine, but they could have chosen another day other than Mother's Day. I would feel miffed too.

I don't see anything wrong in your DH's daughters wanting some alone time with their dad Mary. Perhaps they chose mother's day because you'll be spending the day with your sons and their families and they knew you wouldn't be on your own.

EAZYBEE Theywant to share memories of their mother WITH their father,the OP didn't know them during their childhood or teens the only person close to them at that time is their DAD,it seems very odd that anyone would begrudge them ONE day with their dad on Mothers day when their MOTHER is no longer here.However well they get on with their fathers wife she cant take their mothers place,so mothers DAY where she is concerned should be spent with her children.Just as a matter of interest do her children still have afther around who they see?

I think Naty’s idea is wonderful!!

Can I make a suggestion to some posters too who have posted the women are no longer children. They are still their Father's 'child' whether they are in their 20s, 30s, 40s or 50s! I'm still my Mum's child in my 40s and children are still my child now in their 20s. Isn't that how it works?

I'm a stepdaughter and I often spend time with my mum on her own without my stepdad. I don't think it's weird at all. Maybe they want to talk about their Mother? They'll be a similar age themselves to when she died.

Also if your son's ask you out on your own you should say yes!

You sound so selfish dont spoil a good thing spend more quality with your sons.
Is it a bad thing for them to keep the memories of their mother alive

I agree with Doodle.
And it might be a nice idea to suggest you have a nice meal ready for you all on their return home.

What do you normally do on Mothering Sunday? Do your children , all of them, spend it with you, as well as cards, flowers etc, or do you/they not bother at all?
Do your stepchildren get to spend time with their father alone, or are you together at all times? Going out together, the three of them, is one thing, but Mothering Sunday is another.You have been a stepmother to them for twenty-five years, so it does seem a little churlish to me, to pick that particular day. Father's day would be more appropriate.

Actually, I'd reinforce this outing by "treating" them. Buy them a gift card to a restaurant they are going to, and tell them it's in honour of their dear mother and send them off with a big hug. Perhaps buy them bouquets of their mother's favourite flower. You aren't in competition with their mom. But you did inherit her husband and lovely children.

It is always upsetting to feel excluded but it would be strange if the adult children did not want to spend time alone with their parent. It is not as if they want him to spend every weekend with them.
I can't see any option but to let it go and accept that it is just life.

You are being too sensitive. They are free to have their own little thing with their dad. Perhaps you need to have an outing with just the girls that you plan. We are all free to cultivate separate relationships with separate people. Don't be offended. They had a life before you. You don't need to seek validation or justification. Cultivate your own memories too!

A lot of times it's only testing if you let it be.
Unless someone is being deliberately and rudely snubbed rhere isn't a problem.

I haven't read all of this, but Kim19's post hit a spot.
If I can add up, I see that the girls are a similar age to their mother at the time of her death. This may be causing all sorts of emotions.
Something I have found helpful, mostly with children, but it does apply to adults, is that major events can 'recycle'. As our lives change and we go through developmental stages, we revisit major and / or traumatic events and make sense of them, looking at the through the lens of our latest stage in life.
I think your step-daughters may be doing that, and you will show wisdom and kindness by allowing it, in some way.

I do salute all of you who deal with these step-parent / grandparent issues. It is very testing.

I think it's understandable that they want to spend Mother's Day with their father remembering their birth mother. They were quite old when their mum died and must have lots of memories and probably want time to remember her together. Wish them well and try to not think of it as a snub.

Yes, the daughters are making memories, with their Dad. Your DH is also making memories with his DDs who lost their Mum, his late wife. Let them do it, no question.

I too, don't get the -"making memories " thing. Shared memories yes . I do think though when you remarry you are still in a way two families. Each family has their own shared history. When I am with my sons I can remember past times with GPs etc that my 2nd husband isn't part of. He can do likewise. It's just how it is. Nothing wrong with it.
If you remarry when children are young adults they will never really look on you as a mum. You will always be dad's wife and simply a friend to them.

Is your stepdaughters wanting their fathers presence on mothers day a first or does this take place every year.?Understandable having lost their mother at such a young age but they are not children any more.Most religions have a mothers day service and can arrange for a prayer to be said for those whose mothers are no longer with them. Could not yourself and own children and their families not join together with your step children for this one day ?

Also, Golden Age said something about it being ridiculous reminiscing after 25 years on Mother’s Day. My lovely Mum died in 2012 after a short and terrible illness. We routinely go out together on her birthday (usually for breakfast because of work commitments). The passage of time makes this more important, not less and imagine we will do this for the rest of our lives. Partly it is a lovely time to get together, partly we like to acknowledge to our now elderly Father that our parents will always be a central part of our lives whether living or not. The other thing is that we are the little band who knew and loved my Mum, a diminishing group. We spend a happy couple of hours remembering happy times and telling funny stories. So I completely get it ?

My youngest son and his dad have drifted apart and his dad asked me if I knew what the problem was. We get on well so I told him that my youngest only saw his dad once a year on his birthday for about an hour each time and he was fed up that his dad always brought his wife and her daughter with him and everything then revolved around the daughter. I thought and hoped he'd get the hint and spend one hour a year with our son on his birthday on his own but no he didn't his wife wouldn't allow that. So they haven't seen each other at all for the past 5 years. My son has recently got married and has a son, not sure what his dad thinks tbh, I've sent him a few photo's and he always says thanks and he sent them money for a wedding present and sent some to their son on his first birthday so I'm hoping he wants to build bridges but not especially hopeful. He needs to get on with it. Just giving a different perspective.