I want to leave after 40 years

You are just perpetuating the misery! You're not happy - and he's not happy either. The responsible thing to do would be to leave.

A clean break allows you both the opportunity to adjust and find a better life. As they say, life is but short. It's a crime to waste it!

SueD, helpful information, the rest of the posts, it's so easy to sit behind your keyboard in Provence and dish out the advice.

Hi everyone just joined ... I have been in the same situation for 42 years ?
I was ready to leave after my last child married now he has stage 4 cancer ...
I take care of him so my children won’t have to .
I feel trapped.. but even now he continues with his shouting and bullying and throwing things .
I am on a living nightmare , I wish I had left years ago , always ravaged by guilt ... and told it was my fault by him .
So my advice leave now .. if you want to survive and live peacefully xx

You know what? You only have one life get out and enjoy it or you will regret it later. You have the means and you will feel happier even if you are on your own as your strength will get stronger each day your away from him.

Go and don’t look back. I left a controlling man who became violent after 41 years. I have been on my own for the last 4 and am so happy and have the complete support of my children who do not see their father and said I should have left years before I did. I am so happy on my own and you will be too .

Just LEAVE..if I were in your position financially I'd be gone like a shot!!
You have a choice...choose You!! You are Important...?

Greymar, I can't see any problem. It's so obvious that leaving is the answer. Leaving is easy too!

I have sent a p.m to you. Remember, by working and successfully bringing up your children you have been a strong capable woman.

Not sure if you intend to rent a place once you leave him or that you're able to buy a place. Either way, contact an estate agency and arrange to start viewing places. This will make leaving him feel more real, achieveable and possibly quite exciting. Dump the feelings of guilt. The relationship hasn't worked and perhaps he would actually be happier too if you were to separate. I think you need to investigate the legal aspect of separation regarding splitting assets. If you don't do this now, whilst you're in a position to do so, then you may never do it and you will live with that regret for the rest of your days.

The time has come for you to escape but before you do make sure you do your planning. Make sure you have somewhere to go to otherwise you could find yourself going back and you'll never get the chance to escape again.

Try not to feel guilty especially when he plays the guilt card (which he will). Remember he's controlled and abused you mentally for decades so he's inside your head. He's already started it by threatening to ruin family occasions. Bear in mind that if he does do anything like that then it's been his choice. Nothing to do with you. He'll also play the 'poor me'/'evil woman' card especially as he's retired. Ignore him. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself. He just chooses not to.

Once you've escaped you'll see it's the best thing you ever did.

Take that first step now and the rest will follow NonnaS thinking about it is worse than actually doing it. I left and have never regretted it. Don't waste time feeling guilty, prepare for your new life, you have brought up your family, held down a job you are obviously a capable woman and can do this. Good luck.

Take the wonderful advice already given and leave - asap!

You clearly know in your heart that it would transform your life for the better, but you are afraid of making this huge leap. Just think, the sooner you do this, the more years of happiness you potentially have ahead of you to enjoy.

I can understand your fear of taking that first step, but given your financial position, I think you should just brace yourself and leap ... .

Good luck x

When you've left, you'll wonder why on Earth you didn't do it years ago!

Please go, life is too precious to spend it with someone that sucks the joy and contentment out of your day.
Think of the bliss of walking through your own front door, of sitting reading in peace and doing as you please.
Why should you feel bad about leaving someone who has bullied and beaten you ? Would you allow a friend to treat you the way he does ?
He doesnt give a damn about you so dont waste another thought on him.
When you have the keys to your new life you will realise what a burden that poor excuse for a man has been.

You have coped with so many emotions, so please don’t let ‘ the ‘Guilt’ one hold you back.
He is responsible for his behaviour towards you, he will have to now face & take responsibility for it.
No doubt he will try to emotional blackmail you , so be strong don’t take any more of it, get out now whilst you still have the will & the strength to do it,if you do not do it now you will forever be looking back wishing & knowing that you should have, could have , best wishes. from one who knows where you are coming from. Time to fly free ?

I hope you can make a new life for yourself as soon as you can. You only get one life and now is your time to live yours how you want to live it.

Guilt is only a habit - as I have learned

Best wishes

So sorry for your troubles.
I put up with too much for too long and finally made the break. Every day I wake up and am so grateful to be free of all the nastiness and unkindness. Don't wait. Go now and never ever look back!
Sending you healing thoughts

I went through similar, was in the relationship for 20 years, fear made me stay as i know if I left it would end well and i had two children as well. Finally he left, found someone else - we were delighted, yet he still wanted his cake and eat it, still wanted to rule my line but finally we got free and only then did I start to enjoy life, feel free, make my own decisions, and not wake up every morning with that knot in my stomach ‘hoping’ that today would be a good day. Good luck, the rest of your life is just about to begin

Please leave.
I left my home and moved over 200 miles away when I was 59 years of age.
I told nobody .

That was 20 years ago .
I don’t regret a day of it.
My very best wishes to you.

And when you leave take all the food and light bulbs!

Eighteen months ago, I left a 22 year marriage and although I can't say it hasn't been tough going, my head knows it was probably the best thing I could have done. There are moments when my heart says otherwise, but I think that could be sentiment - wanting to go back to what was familiar; missing being part of a couple.

It takes courage/guts to walk away from your hopes and dreams, and freedom's not always everything it's cracked up to be, but being able to relish making your own choices as you move forward inch by inch, day by day - what TV programme to watch; what time to go to bed/get up - suddenly you realise you're not accountable to anyone else any more. It's a lonely path sometimes, too and if it hadn't been for the support of wonderful friends I'd probably hjave crumpled long before now, but if I can do it, you can too.

My work brings me into contact with victims of domestic abuse and please believe me, that's what you are suffering from.
If you have the means to leave, go and don't look back.
Very, very few perpetrators of abuse ever change and you deserve some peace and happiness.
You have no reason to feel guilty.
Leave, the only other advice I'd like to give is get some legal advice, speak to a local domestic abuse service who'll support you emotionally and when you do go...do not agree to meet him, in fact don't have any contact without physical support being with you.

I have sent a PM NonnaS

Oh Barmeyoldbat, I know this is a serious matter but your comment did make me chuckle ?

Leave now while you are still not too old to get something out of life afterwards, and make a new start. If you don' t, and more years go by, it will be much harder, and you probably never will. Then one day when you are too old you will regret it and know you have wasted all those years of your life with an undeserving man who did not appreciate you or love you. Please do it.