I want to leave after 40 years

I know how you feel i have been thinking about leaving my husband and also look at houses but not able to afford this on my own. Our marriage has drifted apart and like you very unhappy as things are and to scared to make that move and be on my own hope you make the right decision soon.

I just find it incredibly sad that there seems to be soooo many of us on here that are in the same position with a controlling bully for a husband. Has it always been like this, and if so, why??

Go for it. Don't feel guilty. You weren't put on this earth for him to use you as a verbal and emotional punch bag. I'm sure your true friends will support you and your children will too. I did spend far too long in a similar marriage. Because I felt sorry for him and wondered how he'd cope!! He soon remarried and put that poor woman in hospital more than once. Did he deserve sympathy? I don't think so. You are strong, you've proved that by sticking with such a bad situation for so long. Use that strength now to set yourself free. Bless you x

I did remain for the childrens sake goodness knows why I waited until the youngest was 21 in the end he left with me I do have regrets that I didn't do it sooner but ten years on I and my AC are all in a much safer and better place he is no longer part of our lives it wasn't easy as his threats and abuse didnt stop just because I left him but with the right help you will be able to move on

When people remain married for their children, do they ever wonder if that's the kind of marriage they'd want for their children?

I agree with the others who have given you advice to leave. But, I can understand there may be other issues you may have in leaving. For instance; Will your children understand and support you? Are you ready to be alone? There are many other questions I am sure you are pondering.
There is one thing you mentioned that others have said and I agree with. He physically abused you and that is/should be the last straw. Once someone gets away with that with no repercussions then they most likely will do it again. I suggest you do what you thing is best, but please distance yourself from this jerk. I will pray for your safety and sanity.

I know Gummie, but I also know myself well enough to know I won't do it, so can only applaud and admire those that do.

Daisydoes. You only one life. If you have an alternate dream reach for it.

*do dream of being free

@NonnaS please do it. Allow me to live vicariously through you and enjoy your future.
I too have been married for 42 years. I wish, wish, wish I had your courage.
I tried to leave twice, but am still here.
Lucky, I guess, that I am happy some of the time, I am not physically abused, and and financially comfortable,but Ok dream if being free.

I know how you feel, and am cheering you on. I hope you escape ?

Go and go now. Stop delaying. Run and don’t look back.

Well NonnaS I was in a very similar marriage and after 32 years of marriage I decided to divorce him and I left and set up by myself and hand on heart it was the best thing I have ever done.
I have never looked back and my life is wonderful even my adult children said I should have gone years ago and they have been so supportive.
11 years later re-married to a great sensitive man whom my family get on fabulously.
So go for it and have a happy life NonnaS.
You won`t regret it.

Just seen this thread. I left my husband of 35 years about 6 years ago and never regretted it for a moment. If you feel as bad as I felt you will know deep down that whatever is facing you in the future on your own it will never be as bad as what you have been facing for all those years. Even being financially insecure for a few years is worth it - you have no one to answer to any more. You only have one life so live it as you want and not as someone else wants!! Good luck.

Get a new job so he can not trace you. Any job do not be particular and temporary accommodation. Until you are emotionally ok you are a victim of emotional abuse. Inform your loved ones when you have made solid plan. You only get one life this is not practice its living now a happier life for you.

NonnaS You've read lots of other's circumstances.

Having been through emotional abuse for 3/4 of a 20yr marriage all I can add is that it should be regard as bad as physical abuse.

You need independent support and a listener. I used a counsellor secretly. I've heard are RELATE brilliant.

Mine told me that I would wake up one day and make an instant decision. I did this on 1st January 1990. Got up, packed a bag and went to a friends for a couple of weeks till I found a place to rent.

You need support to help you afterwards too and that includes a solicitor.

Keep in touch with GN

I too have been married for 40 years and my husband is retired. The difference is that I am loved, respected and cared for. That is how it should be. Not the way you are being treated.

If you can afford to leave please do so. You would be so much happier. Don't let him dictate to you please.

I left after 4o years .most of that spent alone as he always preferred to work away .Like you I had a small inheritance and this allowed me to buy a modest house .We remain friends but I know I did the right thing . I brought my children up alone and fought constant debt problems through his spending . you deserve a peaceful life. Leave him to it .he will find which side his bread is buttered.

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Screw your courage up and leave. Stick with your decision and I doubt that you will ever regret it. My first husband verbally and worse, emotionally abused me before and after marriage. It left me feeling that I was less than the s**t on a shoe. I loved him and thought I needed to try harder to make him happy. I look back on the person I had become and I could weep, well I do sometimes. I know I was on the verge of an abyss of misery but then I was contacted by someone he was having an affair with. I ended up comforting her as he was doing the same to her as to me. I told him that I knew he was being unfaithful, but not how I knew, and he got down on his knees, held my hands and said it wasn't true. That was what I needed to give me the courage to go and not to go back. Don't wait for a breaking point, go and ignore his protestations. My husband tried everything to get me to go back. Tears were just the start, emotional blackmail and a badly staged suicide "attempt". He phoned friends to tell them, knowing that they would tell me. Unfortunately I rushed round too quickly to find him with tea and toast, reading the paper.
I wasn't going to go for a divorce but he told a friend that he was sure we'd eventually get back together. I was at the solicitor's the next day. My every best wish is with you. I was content and peaceful on my own. I did meet a wonderful man who has given me the best years of my life but it did take me years to accept that someone could find me lovable. With hindsight, I can see that my husband had lots of problems that I couldn't solve. When I read now about emotional abuse I can totally relate to it. Be kind to yourself and walk away and more importantly, STAY away.

Yes, it really is easy. There's no need to prepare, find important paperwork, plan or delay. Do those things if you really must but you can just put your coat on and walk out. You'll find help with Women's aid or at your local police station. Things can be replaced - people can't!

Hi. NonaS, I was in the same situation as you, except I’m disabled in a wheelchair, I was married for 38 years, I Kew my ex husband when I was 13 years old my ex was 20, he moved in with my mum, me and my 3 brothers, he was 6 years older than me, I ha our first baby at 18 years old then we moved out of mums into a home of our own, my ex was a long distance lorry driver, he had an affair left me itch 3 small children for 3 month’s, then asked to come home, I let him come home as he was my first love ? and I was angry but still loved him, e said together for the 38 years I never forgot what he did and never really trusted him again 100%.
The age of 50 he got abusive, my boys were older now and had left home, I had no friends as he didn’t want me to have any,one day I’d just had enough I got the number of a women’s aid they said they would help me, I wheeled my self out of that bungalow with just the clothes I had on, I was with women’s aid for 7 months, they helped me so much, I’m now 62, I met a lovely ? uk internet of all things lol, we are very happy. If you need anyone to talk too, please don’t esitate to get in touch.❤️??xx

Go for it, NonnaS we're with you all the way.

When I posted I never thought I would get so much help and advise and I am enormously grateful to you all for your posts and your private messages.

I still feel guilty and I suppose I will for some time but I know I must leave for my own mental health.

In the past week I though of nothing else but then I doubted myself as he has been ok (not great but ok) to me. But yesterday he said something horrible to me for no reason and I realised I must get on with it and make the arrangements to leave.

So as of this week I am"getting my ducks in a row".

Your advise, suggestions and telling me of your own experiences have been comforting and so very helpful I am far more positive.

So thank you all.
I will try and update once the dust has settled.

You are all amazing wonderful people and if I can ever help someone as you have to me I will be there.

XX

Life is like a book with many chapters. You are in charge of what will be in the next chapter. You only have one life and deserve to be happy. Dig deep and do what is in your heart, ignore his threats, that is only his insecurity, he has bullied you for long enough in order to keep you there. Time to break free, you have the support of your family, go for it! Good luck and happiness.

All of the above!!!! Get out whilst you still can.