I want to leave after 40 years

Has the OP been back to update at all? I hope she’s ok.

NonnaS - take heart from those who have been in similar situations. I left my husband of over 30 years and understand the guilt but he should bear the guilt not you. I became so used to doing everything and looking after my husband who has mental illness. I sacrificed my life in the process. He took it all. It is scary, especially when you are older but you will find strength you didn’t know you had. A good site I found was flyingfree.com Sending a big hug

Non a, start getting your ducks in a row, as others have said, take all your important documents, birth, marriage certs, all the info about your finances, and take photos at least his if you have access to them, at very least details of what bank and the account numbers so he can't hide them. Have a friend or family member look after them, any personal possessions you'd be sad to lose, photos, jewellery, mementos, anything you'd be sad to lose just in case. Some women move clothes etc out too on the pretext that they're having a bit of a clear out. Get advice from a solicitor, you can go for a divorce as soon as you are ready on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. And abuse such as he's doled out to you is unreasonable behaviour. Contact women's aid too for support and advice. Try not to change your behaviour so he doesn't get suspicious.
A solicitor will be able to help you work out what you can afford to do, so you can start making plans.
One thing you need to consider is if you own the house how is it held, is it jointly owned, or do you own it as tenants in common. If you own it jointly when one of you dies the house goes straight to the other. person. On a solicitor friend's advice I made a will leaving everything to my children excluding him, this needs to be worded properly so it is OK for both now and after divorce. I then had to split the tenancy so if I did die my half of the house would go to the children (my ex was both abusive and adulterous and I did not want anything to benefit his partner in adultery). If you already hold the house as tenants in common that's ok, if not it is quite quick and easy but he will get a letter saying you've done it so you'll need to time it right
It will be difficult for you for sure and you may have doubts along the way but once you are out the other side things will start to get better, whereas if you do nothing things will stay the same or get worse.
I found that doing the freedom programme was really helpful, it helped me so much, I was lucky enough to have a group running nearby but you can do it online, if possible a group is good though, it's not really about violence but obviously that comes into it, it's the 1001 ways that he will have controlled you over the years, some you'll not have thought we're abusive but were. It helped me understand that it was absolutely nothing to do with me, how he behaved, it was him, and honestly when you hear the stories other women tell you'll think that they'd all read the same book. I ararted to write down horrible things he'd done to me and if I ever felt well maybe we can get back together I would read it and think no I don't want that to happen ever again
Leave only when you're ready and have put safety steps in place as advised by women's aid, but I'd suggest you got steps in place sooner rather than later.
If he misbehaves yes it is embarrassing but you know what it shows everyone what a nasty person he is, I had some funerals that he was at and I just behaved like a reasonable person, other events when he behaved badly I didn't and know that people judged him rather than me

I know i am going to say this wrong but as a young girl and older woman i had other women say the things that made them bitter
Such as that is abuse
He is gaslighting you
You should leave ...

The point is yes abuse control beating is wrong
Putting you at risk is wrong
But thete are so many levels inbetween...
We all have things happen but only you know
Its up to you to decide

If you hate him then leave because that must be horrid for both of you,
Relationships mean both of you

So do you want to be alone can you cope mentally do you have enough money will you be happy if old and alone ?

All those that suggest you leave will not be there to support you

What about him - will he be happier if you leave ?

It really is totally up to you

For me - it took me until the age of 56 to find my love
Now at 61 we are both getting things wrong with us
I just hope to get to 63 then 70 then 77 and beyond with a hand to hold ...

I separated after 20 years and my ex carried out all his previous threats, and more, over the first couple of years. He was only physically violent the day I said that’s it, no more. This followed years of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. He kept swinging from angry, controlling moods, damaging my car etc, to weeping, self pitying behaviour and suicide threats.. I had taken advice prior to separating (try ringing Women’s Aid) and I made sure I had separate banking for future salary plus important paperwork was stashed elsewhere safely (e.g. passport, certificates, bank details, treasured photos, Mum’s rings etc). Have a ‘spring clean’ sort out now and, in the process, collect essential clothes etc in one place to grab quickly and put in a bag to leave. The essential thing is to keep yourself safe as physical things can be replaced. The most dangerous time and risk of physical harm to you will be at the point of leaving and the first few weeks. Best thing I ever did for myself as the following 20 years have been so happy and fulfilling. You deserve to be relaxed and happy.

Everybody on here has said it ... GO! And I wish you all the very best of luck. You'll make it! In a year's time, you'll look back and think, 'Why didn't I leave years ago?' Please don't waste any more of your life. It's precious. It's Yours!

It seems abusers foster guilt in their partner...another form of abusive control. What day is better than today to find your self-pride and walk away....permission not required or requested. Best luck...you can do it.

Have a look online for local organisations which support those experiencing domestic abuse. Their website will even tell you how to browse without being detected. They will almost certainly have an advice line. Please, please ring them. They will give you the practical advice and emotional support to take the next step.

I did a piece of work around domestic abuse a few years ago and spoke to a number of people who had experienced it as part of the research and final report. I will never forget one woman saying that the emotional abuse was a hundred times worse than any physical abuse. I believed her. Your husband has chipped away at your confidence and is controlling you and it is only now that you are beginning to see this. His threats of what he is going to do if you leave are part of his controlling behaviour.

You are responsible for you, he is responsible for his own actions.

I wish you the strength and courage to take the next step. Do it quietly, do it quickly and please contact your local domestic abuse organisation for their help. They will be able to give you all sorts of practical and emotional support. Wishing you all the best - you can do this ?

Please leave this man who clearly doesn't care about you and has been abusing you for a long time. I think a lot of people don't understand the effect that living with an abuser has on your self esteem or self worth. Be careful for your own safety. I say this because he has been violent in the past. I wish you good fortune and happiness in future.

As has been said by others ….plan your future. I hope you already have a separate bank account ...if not, get one ! Find all the paperwork for everything you have jointly in the house (i.e. mortgage, bills, income and outgoings) …..then go and see a solicitor. Once you have established your rights to what then you can hunt for property for one …..as far away from him as possible (but obviously since you have family, not too far away from them !) Don't know your age, but you can buy a property share which is cheaper than outright but it has disadvantages for any future sale …...look into it carefully ! Once you have sorted all this, and found somewhere to live ...GO ….if you have difficulty moving your belongings perhaps you have a friend/or a storage facility/ you could move things into over time so he doesn't notice
…. find out from CAB what your entitlement might be to any financial aid if you need it …...good luck !

See a solicitor first....you can get a free first session with most solicitors, so you could even shop around for one you like. They will advise you of the ways to keep your money safe and to make sure you are protected. Then once you have everything planned - spread your wings and fly. Best of luck....you have lots of gransnetters here to support you. (I left 10 years ago at the age of 61 and never regretted it)

I have read all the these posts and everyone is saying you should go, and I think you know it in your heart that this is what you need to do.

You cannot stay with this man out of guilt. If you have money to set up somewhere new, please do it ASAP. You are worth far more than a miserable existence with a man that does not appreciate you. Go with your heart and be guided by what other people have advised you to do. Best of luck.

My advice is to leave as soon as possible. We have one life and we deserve to be happy. I divorced in 2017 after a long marriage; emotional and financial abuse were involved and my (ex) husband was a serial adulterer. 'Promises' to change were always broken. He's now married again - his third time. I'm free and happy. No one dragging me down. Don't feel guilty - let him be miserable if that's what he wants. You don't have to share his misery. I've recently started another degree and am loving the challenge!

You don't have to discuss it with him. You've tried and it leads to shouting and arguments. Arrange a rented house or flat, get your finances in order and GO. Everything else can be dealt with later.

Please go and make a better life for yourself. You deserve too.

NonnaS get out, go, run! You have one life and are allowed to be happy. I am going through a divorce and am not able to fund a move until the house is sold, and my life sounds similar to yours. But no way am I going to feel guilty for leaving my oh on his own. I have soent 40 years being everything to everyone and being sneered at by my oh. While I was busy with work and children I never realised how bad he was, but since he retired I realise what a mean selfish lazy man he is. I am working and hoping to have a reasonable standard of living and being able to relax which is difficult with him around. Please be selfish and do this for you, we are a long time dead.

Emotionally abusive people are good at making people feel guilty. My mother was forever apologising for my father because he had decided to be upset when she wanted to do something for herself although he could do whatever he wanted.
The advice seems to be unanimous, that you should leave. Stop thinking about what it will be like for him and get excited about what the move will mean. You can have your own place, choose your own furniture, eat what you want, watch tv when you want and go out and do what you want. Tell your children that you want to leave if you haven't already and they will probably encourage you.
If you give into the guilt you are sacrificing your life for his. You don't have another one.
Go while you are still young enough to do what you want. He had a choice as to how to treat you so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

We were all brought up in the days when women were respected. Wives made the family and the man provided. Things have changed and women have moved on to have lives of their own and are not reliant on the man.
Your man seems to be of the old school expecting you to be subservient. Don't. Get out while you still have a life left to live. Do not feel guilt. You are not guilty. He is.
Good luck.

I left after thirty three years. I hung on hoping for change but it never came. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done and believe me I’ve had some tough times. After the initial shock my children and family have been so supportive, but I did it on my own. Financially it was a struggle to begin with but eventually I found my feet and I’m so glad that I moved on. I wish you all the best and good luck. ?

A few points, sorry if they have been made already. It might be worth moving in with friends or relatives before you get a place of your own if you're worried he might try to make you return. As well as moral support it would also make it quicker to move when you've got your documents, belongings etc in order. A friend made a list of things she needed to ask the solicitor every time she was due to visit so the meeting would not be longer than half an hour to keep the cost down. Don't let this situation go on or underestimate the effects of ageing - I firmly believe that some men get more bad tempered as they get older, and you will probably lose confidence. Don't let it drag on and get into a situation where you're no longer confident enough to change things. Good luck!

Go - & don't waste any more time. Life is too short to stay.
Good luck.

My sisters husband was selfish and knocked her about and always having affairs . When I asked why she didn’t leave him she replied that it was because of the money and life style. She died many years before than him and I believe he contributed to death. My husband and I were poor but happy.
You only have one life so go.

Hello. You sound worn down by it all. You don’t have to live like this and a little bit of guilt is nothing compared to the torture you will feel if you stay. Get hold of all your resolve and leave and don’t look back. It’s a big world out there and it’s just waiting for you to enjoy. Good luck. X

I agree with Applegran.. I was in fairly situation but it’s my house so I had to get him to leave, he was never supportive and could be verbally aggressive and that wears you down over time. You will need support to set the ball rolling and to lean on on your down days. I got all my ducks in a row way before he had any idea what I was doing. That would be my advise to you is get yourself sorted with a home etc cos that will give you strength so when he shouts you down you already have your safe haven to go to. Yes the guilt is there but the relief and happiness and contentment far out weighs that. Good luck, stay strong and do let us know how things go.