I want to leave after 40 years

Go and don’t look back. I left a controlling man who became violent after 41 years. I have been on my own for the last 4 and am so happy and have the complete support of my children who do not see their father and said I should have left years before I did. I am so happy on my own and you will be too .

You know what? You only have one life get out and enjoy it or you will regret it later. You have the means and you will feel happier even if you are on your own as your strength will get stronger each day your away from him.

Hi everyone just joined ... I have been in the same situation for 42 years ?
I was ready to leave after my last child married now he has stage 4 cancer ...
I take care of him so my children won’t have to .
I feel trapped.. but even now he continues with his shouting and bullying and throwing things .
I am on a living nightmare , I wish I had left years ago , always ravaged by guilt ... and told it was my fault by him .
So my advice leave now .. if you want to survive and live peacefully xx

SueD, helpful information, the rest of the posts, it's so easy to sit behind your keyboard in Provence and dish out the advice.

You are just perpetuating the misery! You're not happy - and he's not happy either. The responsible thing to do would be to leave.

A clean break allows you both the opportunity to adjust and find a better life. As they say, life is but short. It's a crime to waste it!

Oh please abandon the guilt - it really is wholly inappropriate in this situation.

You are in the second half of your life and it will not last forever. If you have the means to leave then do so - you can then enjoy this second stage of your life.

You will not be able to have a rational discussion with him and must not put yourself at any risk - just make your [plans and go.

Break free and live!

This is exactly the right time to leave: your children are settled, you have a job and you are able to be financially independent. You have also tried very hard to make the relationship work; you should not be frightened to go home.

No need for guilt; you have tried.
Go.

I can only reiterate what has already been said. Start making your preparations, get some legal advice and when you've found somewhere to go, leave.

You have a right to be happy and you wont be happy if you stay with this abusive man.

Do it now and look forward to the rest of your life.

As you are the working breadwinner I would expect him to have a meal ready for your return in the evening and the house tidy, laundry done.
From what you have told us I assume this is not the case. Are you his servant? What exactly does he contribute to the marriage? Is there even one positive thing?
Where is the joy, the companionship, the loving care that you have the right to expect in your marriage?
Please get together all the documentation you need regarding family assets, pensions, savings, shares, etc. List everything you want to take with you, arrange accommodation and move out things he won’t notice then choose a time when he is not home to get everything you want out of the place.
Just think how wonderful it will be to come home to your own place without having the lifeblood drained out of you.
I hope you come back and let us know how you are getting on.
Very best wishes to you

You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I don't think there is a single Gran who would advise you to stay with him, so just leave while you can. It will get much harder when you get older. He may panic when he knows you're serious so try and get it over with as quickly as possible and without his knowledge for as long as possible. Plan your escape before saying anything to him because it will be a nightmare once he knows. Then be strong, be calm, avoid fights.

Leave as soon as you can and start living the rest of your life! You can contact Women’s Aid who will help you through the process. I know a couple of women who’ve used them and they’ve been a fantastic support. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

You have had your confidence knocked out of you through years of abuse so I totally understand your feelings of fear and guilt.
The thinking about it will be worse than the actual act.
Please find the strength to leave and rediscover the strong woman you once were.

NonnaS, I understand- And it's very possible that beneath the feelings of guilt are feelings of fear- Fear of the unknown, fear of living alone- Which would only stand to reason after being in any lengthy relationship such as your own-

Leaving is the most compassionate move for you both- After you leave, the guilt will subside- You will no longer be subjected to his abuse and as a result he will not be able to carry on with his abusive behavior without you- It won't stop him from being abusive completely, but it will restrict or lessen his opportunities to do so when at home-

Your conflicted feelings, and your husband, will become a thing of the past soon after you leave- Good luck to you!

I agree with other posters who say you should leave but realise these things are never easy.

You say he "threatens all sorts" - quite often (not always, I admit), people who threaten to do something dramatic do not do it in the end.

I know someone who threatened suicide on and off for years but, in the end, she never did it. I know someone else who said nothing about suicide but she took a fatal overdose.

I wish you the best of luck.

Set up your escape before you do it, and when you leave, be careful not to tell him alone. Be safe.

Don’t waste another minute! GO!

Please, please just go. No more discussion with him. Quietly make all your plans and set up a new life for yourself. We are only here once and you have done your share with this man. Retirement with him would be an absolute nightmare. There is so much going on now for older people and you will not be lonely. Instead there will be a freedom that you cannot begin to imagine at the moment. Let us know what happens please? We are all right behind you on this site. Good luck.

I am constantly amazed by some women's capacity for guilt.

He has abused you for years and you feel guilty about leaving because he will be all alone???????

Ignore all his threats, it is all part of the way he has abused you. If he does kick off at a family party that will be entirely his fault and nothing to do with you. All it will do is make clear to people why you left him and what you must have endured first.

Sort out some housing, see a solicitor, make sure you have copied every last financial document and got them in the car. Wait until he is out of the house, pack a bag and go, leaving a note on the kitchen table without a forwarding address or any contact details

Your children are on your side. What is stopping you?

OK. Do not discuss it with him any more, just take all the steps ready for leaving. Financial, bank accounts, and somewhere to live. See a solicitor or go to CAB. Once everything is in place just go. You could even move some of your clothes out bit by ib but do it quickly

Lastly do not feel guilty, he is the one responsible for you leaving. Just block him from your mind an think of yourself and your safety. Good luck

Just go! It’s sounds like you have nothing to lose. Don’t waste any more time. Hopefully, you’ll find love with someone else. I wish you all the very best❤️

PS must just add /somewhere in situations like this there may be a grain of us not thinking ourselves worth any better treatment? Is there a side of you that feels you served to be treated badly ?

Oh go! I’ve just extricated myself from a 20 year relationship for nearly all the same reasons- except he wasn’t violent.
WHY feel guilty about leaving a man who has shown you no care, consideration respect or affection? I have just learned to put myself back in the centre of my life, not the thankless selfish man who is probably terrified of getting older. I ask myself why did I put up with it for so long? (I never lived with him only visited- and have always kept my own home.)
A too developed ( misplaced) sense of responsibility ? I felt I owed him for being there for me after my brain injury ? Never made me a meal- a cup of tea was the maximum.
You’ll be amazed at how quickly you’ll heal in your own space with the freedom to do what pleases you. You’ll find out who you are again without being continually demoralised. Your self confidence will come back, you can make a life of your choosing.
I have not regretted my decision for a second- sure- I get occasional flashes of all the wasted effort love care I put into it- but regrets are a waste of time. You have a new life grab it now release yourself from this awful prison - he’ll make trouble with the family? Let him. If they’re halfway decent they know what you’ve been putting up with and will support you. Those who don’t? Tough. Cut them out of your life.
I wish you so well. Take heart, go for it- I did it secretly so there was no final ‘showdown or shouting match. Not cowardly - just protecting yourself. Go while you still have some life left to live.
Leave the frightened bully to stew in his own juice. You owe him nothing.
But you do owe yourself the right to live in peace .
All good wishes

Imagine what your lives will be like when you’re both really old and infirm, stuck in the house together on a cold winters night.

Go!!!!

Nonna please take the plunge and leave. Your husband will never change now and why is his happiness more important than yours? Don’t feel guilty and don’t allow yourself to be abused by this man any longer. I did it several years ago and only wish I’d done it sooner. You deserve to be happy and I wish you well.

People here will have their own back stories and feelings, maybe a neutral person would be a good start?