I need advise from a gran on telling my in-laws about my pregnancy

Thanks again everyone for your views. I can see the importance of telling them soon and of being sensitive and honest with them so I will take that on board.

My partner has a vecetomy booked in for two months time so there will be no more children after this one.

My husband agreed to this on the basis he could work away more and go up north to see his friends every other month. I do most of the childcare and he works until 7pm 5 days a week. However he is a good father to his children being very hands on at the weekends.

His anxieties about having another baby are very much based on him wanting to travel the world when the children grow up but more importantly with what people will think of him (he says he gets laughed at at work ect). He really is very sensitive and worried a great deal about these things. He is less concerned about having to look after another baby.

In your place I would just say, "I'm expecting again and we are thrilled."

I would have simply loved to have five children and I hope you will all be very happy.

If your in-laws don't like it, they can lump it. It is not their decision how many children you have or when you have them.

Hithere, your comments are so judgemental, ouch. Congratulations on the news of a wanted baby. I believe he will be a great cousin too, being the same age. All the best to you all, you sound a great mum.

"Me and my husband compromised on this too by me agreeing to him working away more and going away for 5 or 6 weekends a year to see his friends who live up north. At the time he was happy with this."

So you and your dh negotiated what it took for him to impregnate you again - more time away from you and the kids?

The more you write about your dh, the less I like him. His fatherly qualities seem to be missing more and more.
Why do you choose to be with such a sperm donor?

is the marriage solid.
that would be more my concern, rather than reaction of PIL, which is peripheral.
could this concern of yours in the OP be a form of distraction.

To add my husband agreed to have another baby with me after 18 months or so of me feeling really depressed about not me having another one. I wanted another as there’s such a large gap between our 3 year old and his siblings and I wanted him to have the same close relationship that his older siblings have. Me and my husband compromised on this too by me agreeing to him working away more and going away for 5 or 6 weekends a year to see his friends who live up north. At the time he was happy with this.

Thank you for your feedback. My in-laws are lovely and we really do not expect anymore from them. They see the children on their terms whenever they ask unless we really need them to baby sit to attend doctor appointments or important things like that.

Their background of raising their own children is very different to ours. They had the two sons who they took on holiday every year, took them to clubs and generally did all the things that large families struggle to do. Both my mother and father in-law were either only children or only had one sibling so having one or two children is very much the norm for them so it’s no wonder they worry about us having a larger family.

Dilly duck. I plan to return to work after a few years. I have a professional job which I can return to so my husband should not have to work any longer than me.

Your in laws sound like lovely welcoming people and I am sure they will be delighted to have yet another grandchild. I appreciate your concerns about deflecting some of the light from your Brother in Law's expected child, but maybe try to emphasis the joys of the two children growing up together?

One of my neighbours had 8 children in 16 years. She said that she loved having the children, but dreaded telling both sets of parents each time. She added that they soon accepted the new pregnancy, and each baby.
Parents do worry about how their children will cope with a large family. I have five, and went through it myself, with my own, though my DH’s parents, sadly didn’t live to see any of their grandchildren.
I’m confident that your in-laws will be very happy, once they get used to the idea. Your husband should stop being so nervous about their reaction, and present a happy and united front with you.
Best wishes to you all.

I agree JanT8

Started to read this post, but as soon as I read, ‘husband is less excited but agreeing to keep me happy’!!! , my immediate thought was ‘Whoa, whoa!!’. Surely two parents should be in total agreement when bringing another life into this world?

My mother in law always wanted to be the centre of attention. The announcment of all our 3 pregnancies was a nightmare and not joyful as it should have been. Your in- laws sound loving and supportive and although they may be shocked I'm sure they'll soon come round. Good luck with everything!

You do not have to announce your pregnancy, PIL will notice in due time.

It takes 2 to make a baby. If he isn't taking responsibility for his baby, leaving it all up to you, telling the story he did it to make you happy, he should keep his pants on!

Having a baby to make you happy was not the best idea. I hope it works out.
If you guys are happy with your lives, then great. But you need to be on the same page or resentments will build and fester. You can tell your in-laws after the newness of the other couples' news is not as fresh. Tell them that you are excited for this planned baby, and that you don't expect anything from them.

Once you know the main grounds for his resistance, you may be able to reassure him.
For example if it he is worried about finances and retirement, you might be able to increase your own working hours or work towards jobs with more responsibilities and better pay, or perhaps offer to work longer so he can retire earlier than otherwise. I assume he’s been a good father thus far, so I wouldn’t jump to him being a shit for resisting another child, perhaps the opposite; he takes his responsibilities seriously.

I had five and married young with the first arruving in the first year of marriage. After three at 25 yrs I had a seven year brea before the 4th and dreaded telling my ma in law and dreaded even more when the fifth was expected. I ignored all her words of worry for how her son would cope but we reared five marvellous people and I don’t regret a thing. Of course she was proud of all her grandchildren in the end!!!

- just to add that it would be very childish of him to tell his parents that he didn’t want the baby and you persuaded him, but it’s a worrying indication of his state of mind.

Did you pressure you’re husband into having another child?
I think he resents you insisting on another one. You have bigger things to worry about than telling your in-laws. I’d be worried about him resenting the innocent baby, and also you, every time things get chaotic or when money is tight.
I think you need to find a time when you are both calm to talk through your feelings about the new baby, you need to acknowledge his, and possibly apologise for bulldozing him.
You desperately need to get back in the same page if you are going to weather the next 20 years of child rearing.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, Karherine1984. It'll be lovely for your youngest and the new cousin to have a playmate. I don't see a problem with the in-laws. It's obvious from what you have said that they are very supportive, and that they love all their grandchildren. They'll be pleased for you. Any concerns regarding space in the house and not being able to afford holidays will come from the fact that they care about you all, and from your husband's own worries. The main issue that needs addressing is that you and your husband are not united in welcoming the new baby. If he was 100% against another pregnancy, he could have ensured it didn't happen. Now that your baby is on the way, he needs to man up and support you both for all your sakes.

First and foremost - congratulations. Looks as though it's going to be you making the announcement though which is a shame. I fear this might be a constant whinge from your hubby when baby starts to cry,teeth, etc "well you wanted another", but i hope not. It's so hurtful when parents or in laws are less than pleased about a baby as you fear. I have found that through my life some of the reactions I worried about most turned out to be the ones that floored me by being ok. If hubby doesn't show a united front with you (despite his own fears) then it's disrespectful. Perhaps he was looking forward to an earlier retirement, etc?? Have an uninterrupted heart to heart with him, find out what's at the bottom of his outward behaviour, he may be worried about your health? Tell him gently how you need his support emotionality too. If he insists on behaving like a martyr in front of his relatives, don't suffer the hurt in silence, don't be aggressive but be firm, "so much for being a team" or similar. You can always accuse him of being too scared to have the snip in front of his parents

Karherine1984
You are under no obligation to explain your life to anyone and that includes your nearest and dearest.I know my mother never wanted me which became clear through out my life which made me love my own even more if that was possible .

Meant to say 20 weeks preg

Congratulations . Have you thought maybe your bro in law .would be happy as his child will have a play mate same age .i remember my mum telling me : was enough .when I fell pregnant with number 4 I didn’t tell her until 29 weeks.as I was worried what they would say .i was bleeding heavily and found out I had full placenta previa.had to stay in hosp from 20 weeks until my boy was born at 32 weeks .tbh it was a relief when he was born, I think my mum was worrying about how we would cope .obs we did a d she loved our son .i think just tell them .let them , give you their views .they will love the baby .

Can't understand why your DH would want to tell his parents that he only had the baby to make you happy. Even if it's true. That's horrible. Why does he want to tell them this? Aside from that, don't worry about telling the in laws. It's nothing to do with them.