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I need advise from a gran on telling my in-laws about my pregnancy

(48 Posts)
Karherine1984 Sat 29-Feb-20 18:55:57

Me and my husband already have 4 children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and their grandparents, my in-laws, are very supportive and have them all every week and sometimes more. They even have my child from a previous relationship.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant again with number 5. This will come as a shock to them as we have told them in the past we were happy with 4. They already think we have too many as they worry about the space in our house and us not being able to afford things such as taking the children on holiday ect.

The timing of my pregnancy isn’t particularly ideal as my brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby which is due within a week of ours. We have just found out it’s also a boy. My in-law are very excited about their baby since they are in their mid 40s and they were starting to think they might not get a gran child from him. They plan to move in with them for a couple of weeks after it’s born and be very hands on in the future too. This is great but I worry our pregnancy could take away the excitement from theirs for my in-laws and my brother in law who we haven’t told yet either.

Can anyone advise me on how to break the news to them? I don’t expect anything off them in terms of additional childcare or support. It may be worth adding that I am very excited about this baby which was planned. I wanted a 6th since their is a large gap between our 3 year old boy and his 8 year old sister so I’m very happy he will now have a play mate. My husband on the other hand is less excited agreeing to have this baby to make me happy. He plans to tell his parents this.

Smileless2012 Sat 29-Feb-20 19:00:51

If he plans to tell his parents, let him do it. Once they know you can reassure them you don't expect additional childcare or support.

Congratulations. I'm sure they'll be thrilled, I know I would besmile.

Hithere Sat 29-Feb-20 19:10:06

You don't need to tell them if they are not going to be supportive.

How many kids you have, whether you have enough room at your home or being able to go on vacation is non of their business.

Hithere Sat 29-Feb-20 19:11:21

None of their business, not non of their business.

Congrats, btw! How exciting

Summerlove Sat 29-Feb-20 19:17:22

Why does your husband want his family to think less of you.

I’d not advise that he tell them he’s having the baby only yo appease you

Grandmafrench Sat 29-Feb-20 19:18:28

Telling his parents is fine. Telling his parents that this baby is just to make you happy and he is not so excited is mean and disloyal to you, IMHO. Why would anyone need to say that to family members and what is the point? Maybe he is more concerned about their opinions than letting you down in this. If he tells his parents I'd let him take on the job of also telling his Brother (?). Bottom line is, it's your life and you're going to have another child, it's not just an idea for people to discuss or have an opinion about and if you think that people will want to bring you down or make disparaging remarks, well that's down to them. You may be pleasantly surprised - but if he's going to be the messenger, it would be nice if your OH could be really pleased about it all. Congratulations anyway!

Hithere Sat 29-Feb-20 19:24:25


Do you want to tell your ILs you are pregnant?
It is a choice, not an obligation to inform family on the updates of your medical history

FlexibleFriend Sat 29-Feb-20 19:24:35

It's got nothing to do with them, so just tell them you're expecting again, it was planned and you're over the moon. Although it's better if you're both singing from the same hymn sheet. It sounds a bit like your husband thinks they'll disapprove and he's letting you take the blame. Is he normally such a wimp?
Tough luck if they're not as happy as you are I'm sure that will change once the little one appears.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 29-Feb-20 19:40:27

First of all congrats on your baby, I fail to see what business it is of your in-laws. Regarding how many children you have etc etc, the part I find a bit worrying is that your husband is planning to tell his parents that he agreed to have this baby to make you happy! I can’t get my head round that, that to me is disrespecting you, why does he feel he has to do that!

Karherine1984 Sat 29-Feb-20 20:18:12

Thank you for all your replies. He won’t be telling them. He’s made it very clear that I have to as he’s so worried about their reaction despite him being in his early 40s with a professional job. I have told him he has to tell his brother though.

Yennifer Sat 29-Feb-20 20:25:15

Hi, I have 5 and I never got a good reaction from my own mother for any of them. The only advice I have is to go in with low expectations and don't let their reactions change affect your happiness. You say baby was planned, why is husband resenting that now? Sounds like he could have some depression going on or some other worry. Perhaps ILs have given him a hard time in the past. I think you and he need to have a talk about this, your relationship is more important than IL reactions x

Hithere Sat 29-Feb-20 20:27:28


This pregnancy is the smoking gun.
Has your dh always been such a coward?
He could be in his early 40s but he I behaving like a child.

GagaJo Sat 29-Feb-20 21:00:16

He does have a point. You wanted it more than him so... Although why he'd agree to a baby he didn't want is odd. Hope he comes round to the idea when it's born.

Hithere Sat 29-Feb-20 21:16:52

I forgot. If your dh wasn't so convinced to have another baby he could have used protection to avoid pregnancy.

NotSpaghetti Sun 01-Mar-20 00:15:54

I think I would definitely tell them soon but explain why you haven't told them so far as being because you wanted the other "new baby" to have the limelight for a while. I would definitely say you both want the baby and your husband shouldn't say he's "done it for you" because that is setting you up to be the odd one here - when in fact, bringing a new young person into the world should really be a joint decision. Whether he did or not is certainly not for discussion with others. How would you feel if you knew you were only a sort-of gift from one parent to the other?

And as regards numbers. One more once you have 3 or 4 or 5 is not the same as "doubling up" from one to two and certainly not as hard as the first one! You will no doubt cope just fine.
Good luck, and congratulations.

Riggie Sun 01-Mar-20 10:31:32

My husband on the other hand is less excited agreeing to have this baby to make me happy. He plans to tell his parents this

Wow,I know its not the point of the thread but your dh doesnt sound very supportive if he is going to tell people - is he going to hold this over you and the child for ever??

Marjgran Sun 01-Mar-20 10:33:47

Ummm, don’t understand the posters saying none of their business. They have the children every week. They are close and supportive. Why wouldn’t you tell them and why wouldn’t they naturally have feelings about it all, positive and less positive!

MarieEliza Sun 01-Mar-20 10:39:43

You and hopefully your husband will look back in years to come with delight when you play with your son and see him grow up. It’s often the surprises in life that waken us up to new possibilities. Your husband will maybe feel embarrassed for a while with his family but it’s not their decision. Many blessings for an easy birth and a wonderful new son

Aepgirl Sun 01-Mar-20 10:41:51

It’s not just your baby - it’s also your husband’s. He should do the announcement.

Davida1968 Sun 01-Mar-20 10:41:58

Let your husband tell them in his own way. Hopefully they will have the sense to understand that it has taken the TWO of you, to make your new baby!!

Dillyduck Sun 01-Mar-20 10:50:04

Maybe you having what you wanted was rather selfish? It is going to have huge implications for how long hubby is going to have to work? What if you get I'll or die before this latest is an adult?? We were both fit and well at 50. At 54 I had serious cancer and major surgery At 56 I was left seriously disabled in a car crash. At 58 my husband died. Now you have what you want, but make absolutely clear that he's your responsibility. I hope it all works out for you. I think maybe you should be the one to tell the in laws. On the bright side, he is going to love a cousin the same age to play with.

anxiousgran Sun 01-Mar-20 11:00:40

Congratulations Karharine.
Your in laws sound lovely, it may be a surprise to them to hear of your pregnancy, but you don’t know what their reaction will be until you tell them, and IMHO it would be better to tell them sooner rather than later. I expect they’ll understand when you explain why you’ve been hesitant, and don’t expect more child care. They’re going to find out soon anyway!

I hope your BiL doesn’t feel you’re stealing his thunder. It will be nice to have cousins the same age.

I really hope your OH doesn’t tell the family he has reservations about your baby, as his feelings will turn to joy when he sees his baby. Can you tell your in laws together?

Good luck anyway, and enjoy your baby flowers

granmanat Sun 01-Mar-20 11:04:56


Put on a united front together.
Here's a suggestion. You could let your husband do the talking as you proudly show off your bump.
I think the announcement of a forth coming birth should be good news; not an apology.

I am number 6 from a line up of 8 children. My dear mum never apologised for any us being here. I sure am glad I'm here, plus the sisters that came after me.

Good luck and God bless

Moggycuddler Sun 01-Mar-20 11:15:57

Can't understand why your DH would want to tell his parents that he only had the baby to make you happy. Even if it's true. That's horrible. Why does he want to tell them this? Aside from that, don't worry about telling the in laws. It's nothing to do with them.

Buzzkaue Sun 01-Mar-20 11:33:15

Congratulations . Have you thought maybe your bro in law .would be happy as his child will have a play mate same age .i remember my mum telling me : was enough .when I fell pregnant with number 4 I didn’t tell her until 29 I was worried what they would say .i was bleeding heavily and found out I had full placenta previa.had to stay in hosp from 20 weeks until my boy was born at 32 weeks .tbh it was a relief when he was born, I think my mum was worrying about how we would cope .obs we did a d she loved our son .i think just tell them .let them , give you their views .they will love the baby .