AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

Callistemon

the big question here is whether your mother is actually a narcissist, or 'just a run-of-the-mill-unreasonable' mother. if a genuine narcissist, then it's irrelevant what you try to plan for the rest of the day - her goal will be to ruin your birthday, and she will achieve it!
my suggestion?
• you arrange a special outing/romantic overnight stay, BEFORE your birthday, if at all possible. then you can say, if appropriate, 'oh, we already celebrated.'
• you start watching some you tube 'seminars' about narcissist mother's, and learn how to deal with this problem
• you make a pact with your husband that no matter what you will not allow your mother to come between you.
• and finally, don't be put off by people who think they know better, but actually don't understand. narcissism is a thoroughly misunderstood problem to deal with, even by experts.

good luck - this may be tough, but you'll get a new life.

newgran I'm not sure how old your mother is, but by the sounds of it fairly elderly, so well done her for still having her own teeth.

Grandad glad you said it and not me.
But yes, it does seem to happen sometimes and often involves a narcissist (undiagnosed by a professional).

I would not like to hazard a guess if this is one such thread, in case the OP is genuine and distressed.

Did he make the appointment and forget it was your birthday? Maybe you didn’t hint enough. Tell your husband you are going to change it, for goodness’ sake and do just that! Tell the truth to your Mum. Unless she’s in a lot of pain another day or so won’t make much difference.
Birthdays are very important!

I think that they're having you on and have arranged a super duper birthday surprise for you ?

What does it matter what psychiatric disorder this mother has - or has not. She is behaving unreasonably and one or other of this couple, preferably both, have to stand up to her explain that the date is inconvenient and needs to be rebooked

If she was in any pain, or it was an emergency, she would have been given an immediate appointment and would have been seen by now.

Wow! My OH hasn't even been in the country for most of my recent birthdays. Unless it's an emergency or the only possible appt for your Mum I'd think she's the issue not your husband!

If you can’t stand up to your mum, you can hardly complain that your husband doesn’t, I’d give anything in the world to have my mum back, but then we had a very good relationship, did he offer to make the appointment for her.? Or did she ask him too. Do you think it was done on purpose by your husband to get at you to spoil your birthday? To be honest unless she is having extensive treatment surely it would all be over very soon and you could still go out together, Are you a carer for your mum, as you don’t really say much it’s hard to actually get the facts

But her mother is unlikely to have forgotten the date I would think, even if her husband has?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

why did he make the appt on your birthday? no other appt available..?

no you are not being jealous or possessive or unreasonable
imo

you only get one birthday a year, and surely there was/is another appt available?

Could it be that they are plotting a joint birthday treat for you and it’s not the dentist at all?
Would he be taking her to appointment or are you expected to?
Could he have forgotten it’s your birthday? Mine never knows unless I put it on calendar haha.

It is very noticeable that the opening poster, newgran2019, has not returned to this thread to in any way answer the numerous questions that have been asked and posed by her post.

Seems to have become a very frequent event on this forum that a "new forum member" opens a thread that contains a very personal and argumental issue and then never returns to the thread themselves.

Yet another wind-up by way of this one?

I am with those that think you are not being unreasonable! Your birthday is only one day a year (unless you are The Queen ?) so you are entitled to have a day that is just yours! If DH won’t bend on the matter then I would arrange a day out with a friend do something he wouldn’t normally do with you and that you enjoy. You can always have dinner with him in the evening.

Has your mother been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder

Good question Callistemon; it seems that everyone has a narcissist to cope with in their lives these days. Years ago it was just having someone in your life that you didn't get on with!

You won’t have your mum forever, wish I still had mine. However, she sounds a very dominating woman. You must do what you want to do and not be dictated by others. Fight back.

Has your mother been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder newgran?
Is she seeing a therapist and have you been advised on coping strategies?
Perhaps you could ask the therapist for advice about helping you both to deal with your mother.

newgran
I don't know how long you've been married but it's obvious that you set up this pattern of pandering to your mother.
I find it hard to believe that your husband started the marriage being frightened of his Mother in law.

Yes, it was quite thoughtless to book this appt on your actual birthday, however as others say, celebrate the day after if you cannot change it. In the overall scheme of things it dosent really matter, what does matter tho is the way you and DH appear to enable your Mum to dominate your life and it clearly makes you unhappy and causes issues. My own mother has always been a control freak, but when I was in my 40’s I became assertive and stood up to her. I don’t mean aggressively, but calmly put her in her place on numerous occasions. She can no longer manipulate me or tell me what to do and the difference it makes to my life is indescribable. She thinks twice now before saying anything to me, I won’t say out of respect, but she has finally learnt that I won’t do anything that I don’t want to do and she has no right whatsoever to try to control me.

Arrange to have a nice day out, lunch etc with a friend or AC. Sounds as if this a long standing problem and if you are not prepared to sort it out once and for all then just work around IT.

Excuse typos - hopefully you can make sense of my post!

I don't think this is really about this particular dental appointment - that's just brought underlying issues to the surface. I would let the appointment stand and make a day of it sometime near your birthday. You and your husband then need to discuss the situation. Maybe he feels he let his own mum down in some way it lost her quite young.,? In any case, the two of you need to agree what is reasonable and set some boundaries about looking after your mum. It sounds as though it's quite a serious issue. Don't hesitate to get professional help - that's a sign you care enough about the well-being of all three of you and not a sign of weakness. Dies your mum get out and gave other friends? If not, maybe encourage this if she's well enough. I hope things get sorted out amicably.

The question begs why is your husband making appointment for your mother? Surely it's your responsibility not his? Cancel the appointment, go another day and enrol in assertiveness classes and start standing up for yourself.

Go out and drink champagne with your best mate instead ???