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AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

(83 Posts)
newgran2019 Mon 02-Mar-20 12:28:21

Am I being unreasonable to feel a little fed up that my husband made a dentist appointment for my mother at midday on my birthday, so we can't have a whole day out together? There are local volunteer drivers who would take her for a very small fee, but he hasn't suggested this. I know it's petty, but it's yet another instance of her needs coming first because my husband is too weak to risk a nasty scene with her if he objects to being her errand boy. I don't want to suggest it either, for the same reason (I've always been a coward when it comes to standing up to Mum!) and because he would probably have a go at me for overreacting, making me feel even worse. Sometimes I think he might as well be her husband not mine nowadays, as her making us more or less responsible for her life has affected our relationship quite badly.

Hetty58 Mon 02-Mar-20 12:32:03

I would change that appointment asap! They are both being very inconsiderate!

Grandad1943 Mon 02-Mar-20 12:50:47

newgran2019I believe your husband is being very considerate and unselfish in putting himself forward to take your mother to the dentist. In the foregoing, your parent will well know the person who is taking her to the appointment which can be a nerve wrenching experience for many people on any occasion it may take place.

As it is at midway it will obviously be all over by early afternoon, and then you have the rest of the day and evening to spend with your husband to celebrate your birthday by going out, or staying in for any occasion you wish to create.

With every respect newgran2019, I believe you are looking for faults in your husband that simply are not there in this instance, and in that, I feel you should look to yourself for shortcomings in this matter.

GagaJo Mon 02-Mar-20 12:56:46

If you can't stand up to her, I think it is a little unreasonable to expect him to really.

Why don't you arrange a driver AND pay the driver, then phone her and tell her it is already arranged. OR as Hetty says, change the appointment.

Namsnanny Mon 02-Mar-20 12:57:01

Oh dear newgran sounds like this has been going on for sometime?
Based on what you have described I would be miserable too.
Obviously some discussion is needed long term.
But for now risk arguments and rebook mothers appointment or rearrange lift.
If your husband wont spend the day with you on your birthday, arrange something with others. Or go to the cinema by yourself, followed by a cream tea maybe?
But make a small stand as * hetty* said at the very least it is inconsiderate behaviour.

endlessstrife Mon 02-Mar-20 12:58:51

I think it’s more the reasons behind why the appointment has been made on the OP’s birthday. The appointment itself is irrelevant, it can easily be changed. Does your mum live with you OP? Perhaps you need to get help from other family members, social services.

Anniebach Mon 02-Mar-20 13:02:55

Perhaps it was the only appointment available, she may be in

Grandad1943 Mon 02-Mar-20 13:11:38

It has to be faced that it is newgran2019 mother who is involved in this matter and if she is not happy with the arrangements it is for newgran2019 to "sort it out" with her parent, and nobody else.

It may well be that newgrans mother asked her husband directly to take her to the dental appointment and he agreed if his wife said nothing at that time but we simply do not know.

If the above supposition is correct, he is in a situation from which he simply cannot please everybody no matter what he does.

M0nica Tue 03-Mar-20 07:44:06

You say I've always been a coward when it comes to standing up to Mum. In that case you can hardly complain if your DH is also too scared of her to do what you are too scared to do yourself.

In which case you have two choices: accept that you and your DH are two of a kind and are too scared to stand up to your mother and therefore you do as she says for an easy life regardless of the inconvenience and unhappiness it causes you. The alternative is that the two of you stand up to your mother together as a couple and refuse to do what she asks if it is unreasonable. Yes, it may cause some unhappiness and distress, but so does doing nothing about it.

The choice is simple and entirely in your (and your DH's) hands.

Yennifer Tue 03-Mar-20 07:48:16

Narcissists love to ruin birthdays, I'd just rearrange it unless it's urgent x

sodapop Tue 03-Mar-20 08:05:59

I agree MOnica you need to take a stand yourself newgran otherwise have your treat on a different day. Your husband sounds like a caring man, don't blame him entirely for this problem.

Daisymae Tue 03-Mar-20 09:27:26

Change the appointment, tell her you're going out. Job done

SirChenjin Tue 03-Mar-20 09:37:10

No, you are very definitely not being unreasonable - why would you even think you are??

I don’t think your husband sounds caring - he sounds like a mummy’s boy who is desperate for her approval at all costs, and that includes his wife’s wishes. Is this the way you want to continue living your life?

If it’s a standard dental appointment then it can be rescheduled, surely? In the meantime and going forward youngest to think more of you and your needs. “No, that doesn’t work for me” is a very powerful response to unreasonable or unwanted demands smile

SirChenjin Tue 03-Mar-20 09:37:55

...Includes riding roughshod over his wife’s wishes

Nitpick48 Tue 03-Mar-20 10:25:50

@SirChenjin it’s his wife’s mother I think

Callistemon Tue 03-Mar-20 10:35:29

I was going to say, it's not his mother and I've never heard of someone being their MIL's boy. Although my DH would do anything for my mum, perhaps he would not arrange an appointment for her on my birthday.

Perhaps it was the only appointment available but if it's not urgent can you not rearrange it and take her yourself on another day? Then make arrangements to do what you'd like to do with your DH on your birthday.
She obviously needs care and it would be mind for one of you to go with her but you have needs too.

Be proactive

Callistemon Tue 03-Mar-20 10:36:06

Kind, not mind!

Rhinestone Tue 03-Mar-20 10:38:22

Everyone wants to feel special on their birthday. I would tell my DH that I want to spend my birthday with him and that you will change DM appointment. Unless she’s in pain I can’t see why it can’t be changed. Or if he says he can’t then plan a whole day for yourself. Either way take care of yourself first.

SirChenjin Tue 03-Mar-20 10:40:04

No you’re right - it’s newgran2019‘a mum, my apologies.

I stand by the rest of my post though, including the mummy’s boy part (although that should obviously be MiL’s boy - which makes the whole set up even stranger actually).

jennymolly Tue 03-Mar-20 10:41:01

Grandad1943 what a unsympathetic answer. We all have shortcomings and the op obviously knows hers and is aware that she is enabling her narcissistic mother as is her husband but dealing with a narcissist is very difficult. It doesn't sound like an emergency appointment so they should rearrange it and just inform the mother. If she is so unreasonable that she kicks off, so be it.
By continuing to enable this narcissist she will only get worse.

jaylucy Tue 03-Mar-20 10:43:46

Depends who requested the appointment - did your mother ask OH to book it? Or did OH book the appointment, forgetting the date ?
Either way,I'd take myself off in the morning and either have my hair done or facial and manipedi then meet up for a possibly late lunch and something for the afternoon.
In my experience, spending a whole day with OH on your birthday usually ends up in disappointment and or something goes wrong, so why not at least enjoy part of your day ?

4allweknow Tue 03-Mar-20 10:49:12

Wouldn't give it a second thought unless it is a significant birthday in which case special arrangements would have been made already. Just can't get into all this birthday preciousness especially when older. Be grateful you waken up.

Callistemon Tue 03-Mar-20 10:49:28

jaylucy I am laughing at your last paragraph!!

chickkygran Tue 03-Mar-20 10:50:26

I think you are right to feel unhappy. My dentist has cancelled on several occasions for various reasons & I’ve had to rearrange. Sounds as if it is very difficult dealing with your mother, why not tell a little white lie & say the dentist surgery rang that the dentist isn’t in that day & arrange another appointment. It is a shame to have to do this but might keep the peace. Sounds as if your OH might have been bullied into making that appointment on your birthday. Good luck xx

nipsmum Tue 03-Mar-20 10:58:42

I can't really see the problem. I can't make a fuss about my birthday. I've had 78 of them and its no big deal what I or anyone else does for my birthday. The only ones I make an effort for are my children and grandchildren.