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A personal dilemma...or am I just being unreasonable?

(24 Posts)
BelindaB Sat 28-Mar-20 12:42:56

I have had an allotment for many years (I am now 73) but a few years ago, realised that I could not manage the heavy work any longer. There was a neighborhood forum on the 'net at the time and so I posted on there that I was looking for someone to help me. I also made it clear that I could not pay anyone but that they would get a fair portion of the fresh fruit and veg I grow.

I was very pleasently surprised at the reaction and went through the "applications" carefully, bearing in mind that I am not the most sociable of souls. I eventually invited a lady named Margaret who, from what she said, lived right next door to the allotment (which would solve my evening watering problems - it is a 20 min drive from my home).

We got on well, although she was more than green, never having had as much as a window box to look after - she didn't even have houseplants! She was married, in her early 40's with 2 children and although it was initially a bit of a shock, she began to really enjoy it. She has now been helping me for about 4 years.

Usually, we meet for the final time at the beginning of autumn when we clear up the site and we then both go home until spring. This year we couldn't even do that because of that series of storms. However, just before Christmas I thought it might be nice to show my appreciation of her efforts and so I got her a gift.

I didn't want her to feel obliged to buy back so I decided to leave it until the last min before contacting her. The day before Christmas Eve I called her mobile, which went to message. I left a message saying that I would be up her way in about an hour and if someone was going to be home, I had something for her. I waited for over 2 hrs but there was no reply. Neither was there one the next day. Very unlike her.

I waited until after Cheistmas and New Year and then called her again. Again it went to message and this time, I said that I had not had a response to my previous message and wondered if she and the family were all ok? Please let me know. Not a work back. A few weeks later I sent her an email and simply said that as I had had no reply to 2 mesages I was becoming very, very worried that all was well (her husband has health problems) and would she please, please let me know? To this day, not a single word.

A few weeks ago I was talking to Marcia (allotment rep) on the phone and mentioned that I hadn't heard from Mags at which point Marcia told me to stop worrying because she'd seen them on the bus home from work just a week before.

I've been going up to the allotment for several weeks now and I still haven't heard a word from her until today, when I spotted a message from her on Facebook (which I rarely, if ever, visit). I have no idea how long it has been there.

So, what do I do? Pretend that all is well when in fact it is not? Tell her that I am hurt and offended that someone I thought was a friend has ignored my messages?

I am half irate and half very sad and my immediate reaction is to ignore her just as she has ignored me. That might well be childish but if nothing else, what she did was just plain rude.

I would love some opinions.

ElaineI Sat 28-Mar-20 13:05:11

She might have changed her SIM card and have a new number or if it was voicemail some companies are only saving messages for a week or so (important messages disappeared from my voicemail and a chap from Vodafone told me this). And an email might not be read or go to junk mail.
At least she did message you even if it was on Facebook. You don't say what she said in the message.
Possibly she has changed her mind and been too nervous to tell you or something bad has happened in her life. I would not pursue it any further though you could reply to the Facebook message in case she feels the same as you.

Hithere Sat 28-Mar-20 13:23:21

Maybe something happened that she didn't like?

Hetty58 Sat 28-Mar-20 13:30:14

BelindaB, try one more time to make contact. You never know what may have happened in somebody's life. She may have had a bereavement, a breakdown or mental health issue, who knows?

If she's simply avoiding you, because she's had enough of the allotment, then that is rude (cowardly too).

Sussexborn Sat 28-Mar-20 13:39:04

I would respond to the message in a polite friendly way and then let the matter drop. Often we have no idea what is going on in other people’s minds and you will only get more stressed if you keep trying to figure it out.

The idea worked well for a few years so perhaps do the same again once life settles down for us all. Perhaps get two helpers to assist which would lighten the workload and allow some leeway.

In this area I believe you can rent 1/4 or 1/2 an allotment. Would it help you to downsize?

rosenoir Sat 28-Mar-20 13:58:43

Maybe something was going on in her life at the time she was not replying to you.

I would reply to the facebook message , saying you have only just seen it, and see how it goes from there.

If she had a problem with you she would not have sent the Facebook message, also she may have a problem with her phone which is why she has used Facebook.

wildswan16 Sat 28-Mar-20 14:39:23

Of course you should respond to the facebook message. You have no idea what happened. Just a "lovely to hear from you, I tried to phone a couple of times but couldn't reach you." And wait for her response.

Bridgeit Sat 28-Mar-20 14:58:25

I agree with wildswan16, gather the facts before making an assumption, we can often jump to conclusions,not necessarily the correct ones.
You may then find that do have good reason to be upset, but there again you may not, check first , best wishes

ValerieF Sun 29-Mar-20 13:03:09

Yes what did the Facebook message say? Do they not have dates on? Not sure, not on facebook. Did she ask how you were. Did she say she no longer wanted to help at allotment?

I would reply even if she wasn't asking you a question just say you've only just seen it. ask if she is coping with all the restrictions and if her family are keeping well. You can tell her you have tried to text her on x number and was getting worried about her but in a relieved not remonstrating kind of way.

Also bear in mind she was probably hugely busy doing last minute Christmas preps two days before? Most people are dashing about here, there and everywhere.

As she has been your allotment buddy for 4 years seems unlikely she was deliberately being rude. Best wishes

BelindaB Tue 31-Mar-20 13:14:17

I'd rather give it up completely than downsize, to be honest. My current allotment is my 2nd. The previous one was not only further away from home but twice the size of this one. I certainly couldn't split the current one down...which bit would I keep? The one planted with fruit, or the half that I plant veg in every spring? I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to a non-allotment holder, but it really is difficult.

BelindaB Tue 31-Mar-20 13:15:28

It just said "Hi, Belinda". I have no idea how to find out the date it was posted!

Oopsadaisy3 Tue 31-Mar-20 14:59:48

Belinda why don’t you just message her via FB? I can’t see the problem.

She might be thinking that you are ignoring her......

OurKid1 Tue 31-Mar-20 15:09:47

Maybe she lost her phone!

ValerieF Tue 31-Mar-20 17:45:16

Am confused now Belinda

Quote "I'd rather give it up completely than downsize, to be honest. My current allotment is my 2nd. The previous one was not only further away from home but twice the size of this one. I certainly couldn't split the current one down...which bit would I keep? The one planted with fruit, or the half that I plant veg in every spring? I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to a non-allotment holder, but it really is difficult." end quote.

When was this brought into the equation? Did your friend ask you to split them?

Sorry not really understanding.

But to be honest, at the moment, the least of your worries are your allotments. You wouldn't both be able to go tend it at same time anyway, presumably? So, say cheerio to her and carry on yourself?

Greymar Tue 31-Mar-20 17:51:53

My gut reaction OP is this is " her stuff" . All is not well.

Now more than ever , we need to look after ourselves. Is there another allottment person who would help out?

fasdfee33 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:28:33

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oopsadaisy3 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:55:17

Tried to report but got an error message.

Elegran Sun 07-Jun-20 15:03:34

So did I. A servlet threw an exception! I wonder if GN is under siege from hackers again?

MawB Sun 07-Jun-20 16:48:37

Fasdfee’s post does make for hilarious reading though doesn’t it?
Clearly written by a “bot” 🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖

Elegran Sun 07-Jun-20 17:13:14

I'm still getting problems reporting it. Can you succeed MawB ?

MawB Sun 07-Jun-20 17:14:55

I too was getting the error message so copied and pasted and sent it to [email protected] - perhaps somebody will see it on Monday!

Elegran Sun 07-Jun-20 17:31:07

I emailed them to tell them I was having problems, so they know about it.
I couldn't delete one of my own posts as a test, either on this thread or on a different one. I imagine someone wil do something tomorrow.

Elegran Sun 07-Jun-20 17:31:32

For delete, read report!

Namsnanny Sun 07-Jun-20 17:43:48

But now this thread is resurrected, I for one would like to know what happened to BelindaB's allotment relationship!!

BelindaB … How are you?