No wedding in sight

I agree. I like the Icelandic idea of referencing your mother through your surname - that makes a lot of sense in terms of gender equality and civil partnerships should hopefully make it easier to obtain the legal protection you need in a long term relationship, esp if children are involved

The fact that a women was forced to change her last name when she got married is extremely patriarchal.

I am glad that now it is an option although some men and their families see it as an offense when the future wife wants to remain with her maiden name ("maiden name" is itself a revolting concept - that's her name, period)

Sirchenjin

Totally right

And of course some couples do baulk at the idea of being legally bound to each other in an institution that is deeply rooted in patriarchy and gender inequality.

To be fair, David did say some couples. If you head over to Mumsnet you’ll find many women who are desperate to get married now that they’ve been with their partners for many years and they have children together - and these men just won’t marry to give these women and their children the legal protection that marriage provides. Their reasons for not doing so do seem to indicate that they’re baulking at the idea of marriage rather than it bring a decision back on a lack of religious faith or a joint decision.

Davida1968 - just wondering why you think people are baulking at marriage? Clearly they aren’t choosing it but that’s different entirely.

If you aren't religious, some people think it’s irrelevant. Maybe those who have talked about it and truly chosen not to marry are the strongest of all.

Just saying.

I'm always surprised that some couple will have children together (becoming a parent - now that's a truly lifelong commitment!) yet will balk at marriage or a Civil Partnership. (I know it's up to them, I'm just saying....)

It might be thought sensible not to commit to marriage without being one hundred per cent sure that it is the right thing to do. |Marriage is no guarantee that a couple will stay together, as the divorce figures evidence. I think it is true that marriages tend to endure more than parternships but I don't think the gap between the two is very significant. Anyway, perhaps the fact that those who marry are more sure of their relationship is the key factor.

I think it is essential for your daughter to get some legal advice as to the position with regard to buying a home together. Apart from that, I think it should be her decision. The fact that you feel strongly about marriage is irrelevant, in my opinion. It is her life.

Find it odd that someone would say living together is not a family. Very narrow minded view of family isn’t it ?
I would have thought love made a family.

agnurse I'm interested as to why you think this couple 'should ' be married? Is it for financial reasons? Or the sanctity of marriage?
It's a genuine question, not a dig. ?

My husband died six months ago. He was a terrible miser. The will was straightforward. He left me his money and I am sole executrix. I had no savings, as I paid for everything,I could out of my pension . If it had been a joint bank account I would have inherited immediately. It has to go to the probate court and can take up to a year.It has caused real hardship to try and struggle with all the funeral expenses, household bills. Joint bank accounts ,may help to protect her.

I agree Notspeghetti. In fact I find it rather offensive to tell me that my family isn’t my family because we are not married.

My partner and my children are my family and my whole world and I don’t need a piece of paper to prove it. No one has the right to define who is and isn’t family to another individual, it’s rude and arrogant to think otherwise.

JaneNJ I think your statement that living together is a partnership but not family is your opinion - and certainly not a fact. It sounds rather judgemental to me.

I'd say a wedding doesn't make a family either!

Paperbackwriter
Suppose they split and she left or he walked out and left her footing the bill for the whole mortgage which she couldn't afford.
Despite some GNers knowing someone or have a family member who's been living with a partner for years and years, it doesn't always follow that everyone stays together, so it makes sense to make sure the legalities are watertight.

It's a wise move to make sure that the mortgage is paid by both, equally, or from a joint account into which they both put the same amount each month for mortgage, utilities and household expenditure.
If they split, he could say he paid the larger portion of bills and could be awarded a larger share of the house.
Two of my friends who are in long term relationships (more than 10 years each) after divorce, still keep their own property and separate bank accounts. A wise move.

I didn’t say anything about mortgage deeds

Sirchejin my daughter AND her husband had their names on the mortgage and she was told by his lawyer he was as entitled to live in the house as she was .Even though they had 2 children ,her own lawyer confirmed it .She wouldn't share a house with him and his queue of women so she walked away with nothing.Then he stopped paying the mortgage and bills and eventually did a runner ,she had to declare herself bankrupt .Its not as simple as both names on the deeds ,I wish it were.

Mbuya, you sound non-judgemental regarding your daughter and I don't think that you have thoughts of telling her what she should or shouldn't do with regards to marriage.

However, as her mother, perhaps you could find and print out the pros and cons of marriage v living together (regarding financial matters etc).

There are differences and you could then leave it to her to absorb and decide what is important to her and what is not.

I am sure you care about her and just want the very best for her and her future children.

I’m happy to read your update. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it is to them and to try and impose your beliefs on them will only lead to discord. Think on this one I’d gently say mind your own business.

Reading some of these comments I realise how old-fashioned I am!

In my young days, admittedly long ago, you met someone, got engaged [- now there's an old fashioned idea! -and in due course set the wedding date. I'm sure it made life easier. Nowadays young people often have a series of "relationships" and I wonder how many of those living together have ever thought of the legal implications of not being married. The consequences for the woman and any children can be horrific.

I cannot agree that a marriage certificate is unimportant or irrelevant. I am one of the dinosaurs who when asked to name my "partner" on a document crosses out the word and substitutes "husband"!

My 1st ( and only husband ) committed to me. He is now on wife No 5 so that gives you a picture of him.
My partner and I have been together for 41 glorious happy years. I never wanted to get married again.

Even if he does commit it doesn’t mean it will last. Agree wills are essential - as they are for us all - especially if we are not married / in a civil partnership but living in a committed relationship. Legally that counts for nothing when one of the partnership dies

I find it interesting that those who say a piece of paper doesn’t matter also advise having legal papers drawn up regarding property ownership to “protect” your daughter.
I also find it interesting when people claim that the paper can’t define or determine love. I disagree. Marriage is a binding contract of vows stating one’s commitment to a lifetime. There is no substitute to that—not a Will, Deed or otherwise. And while divorce can break that contract, the original marital contract states with absolution one’s complete, full intentions. Without it, the couple inadvertently states we will stay together day by day and see how it goes. They are free to leave at any time. Marriage is love with complete abandon creating family. Living together is a partnership but not family.
Your daughter is already living with her boyfriend so the marriage talk would be a bit late. But there is nothing preventing you from pointing out the legal ramifications of purchasing property so she can protect herself. That could lead to a deeper discussion regarding her future desires (i.e. children) etc.

If they buy as tenants in common as opposed to joint tenants, they will each have their own share in the property.

Thank you very much everyone for all the advice and suggestions. They are adults- that I should not forget. I will try my best to be as supportive as possible without imposing my ideas of marriage and commitment.