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No wedding in sight

(68 Posts)
Mbuya Thu 30-Apr-20 20:40:41

My daughter and her partner are about to buy a joint flat after living together for over a year. She has always wanted a wedding ceremony but her partner seems reluctant to commit although he appears to care for her. My daughter has now adopted the attitude of whatever will be will be. How should I continue to be supportive to my daughter without being judgemental? I believe in marriage.

notanan2 Thu 30-Apr-20 20:54:12

She's insane to buy a flat with him if he's not sure whether he wants to commit.

I think just subtly make sure she gets independant legal councilling re the wording of the deeds!

Iam64 Thu 30-Apr-20 21:08:53

Marriage isn't as important to many young (and older) people. The key thing for your daughter is to have a written legal agreement with her partner about money and property. I'm astounded at the number of young women who don't do this.

CanadianGran Thu 30-Apr-20 21:20:20

I agree with notanan2. Make sure she has a common-law agreement and has her name on title.

SalsaQueen Thu 30-Apr-20 21:28:40

Many younger people don't bother to marry, choosing instead to live together - I lived with my husband for a year before we got married - and many of them have children without a wedding (one of my sons did).

The best thing for your daughter to do is to ensure that everything is in joint names. When all's said and done, it's up to her as to whether she wants to live with her bloke - despite what you would prefer.

rosenoir Thu 30-Apr-20 21:43:39

A joint mortgage is a commitment, it is easier to leave a marriage than a mortgage.

notanan2 Thu 30-Apr-20 21:45:03

Many younger people don't bother to marry, choosing instead to live togethe

Yes but when it goes wrong it tends to be the women that end up worse off, and worse off than they would have been had they been married.

Doodle Thu 30-Apr-20 21:45:36

My son and DIL lived together for 11 years before they married.

Grammaretto Thu 30-Apr-20 21:58:14

DS and his GF haven't married as far as I know and don't have plans to.
They have a child. I am sure they have made arrangements to protect him and themselves should anything happen. They own a house.

agnurse Thu 30-Apr-20 23:28:25

Should they get married? Yes. But at the end of the day, it's their decision.

You might mention something to her along the lines of, "You may want think about getting some legal advice about your home purchase." I cannot speak for everyone, but when Hubby and I bought our house, it was a private sale and we and the sellers both retained attorneys to handle it. (Hubby and I are married and were married when we bought the house.)

Hetty58 Thu 30-Apr-20 23:34:45

So many marriages don't last long anyway. The property ownership should be set up to ensure fairness. They should both make a will to ensure that the other would inherit.

BradfordLass73 Thu 30-Apr-20 23:47:14

I have had exactly this conversation this very week with a young friend of mine whose live-in boyfriend says, "why does a piece of paper matter?"
It's a specious arguement and a dangerous cop-out any partner should heed.

My friend said, 'Okay then, if it's just a piece of paper, you won't mind if we have one to prove we're married, will you?'

A piece of paper matters when you graduate.
It matters when you pass your driving test
It matters when you're in hospital or crossing a border

Making a public statement of commitment, religious or secular matter to most people because it's psychologically important to do so.

Why do we give people flowers anf gifts at special times instead of just congratulating them or telling them we love them?

But I was judgemental (and see no harm in that) and advised Sienna to think very carefully about this person and whether he really is right for her. Fortunately, not in a position to buy property.

Hithere Fri 01-May-20 02:00:07

It is up to the couple whether they want to get married or not, buy a home together, kids, etc

Your d and her bf have been living together for a year- that is commitment.
They want to buy a home together- another sign of commitment

Let them be. Why do we have to follow the same rules?
Go to college, get a degree, get married, buy a home, have kids... - this generic rule might not appeal to everybody.

Oopsminty Fri 01-May-20 02:06:05

I lived with both of my husbands before marriage.

With the one I have now, we purchased a home together. Lived there for 4 years and then decided to get married.

Fiachna50 Fri 01-May-20 02:24:02

Hmm, Im wary about men who don't want to commit. If he can commit to buying a place, why can't he commit to marriage? Too many women end up ' single mums' through no fault of their own, then the chap moves on to the next relationship and then another child to the next lady and so on. Marriage also is a kind of protection, especially if (God forbid) something happens to one of you. I have also seen relationships that seem to have engagements that go on for years. Like others, I think marriage does give some legal safeguards.

GrandmaKT Fri 01-May-20 05:29:18

Gosh, I'm amazed at some of the comments on here! I really didn't think most people cared whether their children married or not nowadays. As others have said, when entering into a joint mortgage, legal advice should be taken, but other than that, their lives, leave them to it!

notanan2 Fri 01-May-20 07:00:13

I really didn't think most people cared whether their children married or not nowadays.

The law still does! It gives women some financial protection.

I lived with both of my husbands before marriage.
So did I. But the man in the OP isnt keen on commitment which is a red flag

So many marriages don't last long anyway. The property ownership should be set up to ensure fairness. They should both make a will to ensure that the other would inherit.
A will can be changed.

notanan2 Fri 01-May-20 07:21:19

Yes you can put things in place, but thats not how it tends to work out in practice.
Women tend to be the ones who financially protect themselves less.
Especially once children come along

eazybee Fri 01-May-20 07:55:06

Advise her to check and keep records of every joint expenditure, and check how it is paid. A friend's daughter lived with her boyfriend for seven years in unfurnished rented accommodation; during which time they bought all the household goods together, she thought. When they split, because he would not commit, she discovered every 'joint' purchase ostensibly made from their joint income had been paid for by his credit card, and every receipt carefully filed; he kept everything and she did not even have a claim on the bed she slept in.

Sparklefizz Fri 01-May-20 09:23:51

eazybee A cautionary tale. We can think we know and trust someone but find out the hard way that this is not always so. I remember saying to my divorce solicitor that my husband was "an honourable man" and would be fair. Hahaha!

Bluesindy1 Fri 01-May-20 09:56:08

My partner and I have been together 35 years happily unmarried! Absolutely everything has been done in both our names, mortgage, utilities, pensions and our will is a 50/50 split, works for us!

Paperbackwriter Fri 01-May-20 09:56:29

Any financial risk is just as relevant to the man as the woman. Obviously they must make sure they are equal and joint owners (can't remember which is the one to go for - joint tenants or tenants in common but that needs to be sorted), plus insurance and wills made to clarify what happens if one of them dies as neither of them will be each other's legal next of kin.
As for marriage - I'd keep well out of any discussion. It is not your business and may well raise hackles all round if you are seen to be stirring.

NotSpaghetti Fri 01-May-20 09:57:50

Mbuyer you say
her partner seems reluctant to commit although he appears to care for her
but you only think this. Do you know he is averse to commitment? Has he said this to your daughter? He "appears" to care for her. Is she happy?

My son and his girlfriend haven't married. They have been together for years and he has put her name on "his" house. They have made a "family home" and although they have no children they are committed to each other in so many ways, joint ventures, time they share, the small kindnesses of everyday life.

So many people have a wedding and are miserable. If she needs a ring/certificate to validate the relationship she needs to tell her boyfriend. You may find it is less important to her than you are picking up. You say "she has always wanted a wedding ceremony". I'm not really quite sure what you mean by this.
A wedding ceremony does not make a marriage. That is something special made between people.

Please let this lie for now. If they are buying a home "together" as you say, they are committed- and both names will be on it which will protect her part of the asset.

Paperbackwriter Fri 01-May-20 09:58:02

Actually, you say he doesn't want to 'commit' but buying a place to live together is a massive commitment, surely? Just because you don't fancy a wedding doesn't mean you don't feel committed to someone.

readsalot Fri 01-May-20 10:01:12

As they are buying property together it is essential for both of them to have a will. It will protect them both if they stay together or part later on. I agree with eazybee that accounts should be kept especially regarding the property. Love maybe blind but lawyers are not.