I don't think my daughter likes me much

Leave her to do her own thing and you do yours, you are not being selfish, but become selfish, do some hobbies in a separate room, do your work. When she wants something tell her you are busy, don't try to converse have conversations with others, on here or the phone, let her know you have a life too outside of her, she thinks you are there just for her. In other words start living your life not around hers. Its hard but it works, I'm a stay at home mum/grandparent and they all used to take me for granted talk to me horribly but now, gradually they realise I'm not always at their disposal.

I feel for you, I do, but I feel for your daughter more. People here are sympathising with you as though she's acting like a brat. What I've read from your post is that she's suffering, big time, and yes, taking it out on you. What I see is someone who's scared and confused. You say it's been the two of you for a long time and that she has no friends? Could it be she's anxious about going to Uni? You've been her comfort blanket all her life, maybe she's worried about having it taken away. It's true our kids hurt us, because they can & we'll always be there. So maybe that's what this is. Not personal to you at all, but something more underlying? You say she's got mental health problems anyway, so something as massive as going to Uni, couple with the fact of recently suffering albeit mildly from a virus that's killing thousands daily, is enough to send anyone over the edge. Try and look at things from her side, what is she thinking/feeling, and maybe, ask her? X

I’m not going to offer advice Ilovedragonflies (Sadly I have none) - I also had a bad time with my son when we were left on our own when he was 18 - so all I want to say is I really empathise and think you were brave to open up on here. I hope it has helped a little by “getting it out of your system” and to know others care. I do. Warm wishes Sheila

Xx

Can I suggest that you get in touch with MIND and Bipolar UK they may be able to help you with some understanding of her behaviour. There isn’t such a thing as mildly bipolar, it’s a serious and debilitating illness that thankfully can be managed. Going to University is a massive step, does she want to go?
I’m certain she doesn’t hate you, you’re her Mum but I think we all found that relationship difficult around her age?

All good advice given, what a difficult time you are having. Don’t beat yourself up, what are are doing is your best and that’s all you can do.
Just a thought...would writing a letter to her help? She doesn’t have to give you a reaction to anything then and if she is dismissive about it to you, you will have had your say in a loving way and she can mull it over in her own time. I hope things improve for you both x???

Leave her to it. Do things that make you happy and wait for her to initiate anything else. Hopefully she’ll realise she’s got to make an effort if not what have you lost?

Dear Ilovedragonflies you have to stop avoiding the eggshells. Your daughter is leaving for uni in September and will be expected to look after herself, maybe let her now. If she doesn't change her bed leave it, she will eventually. 19 years old adults can do alot more for themselves when left to it. If you are constantly watching out for her she will become sullen and feel you are nagging. By all means make s meal for two, if she doesnt eat it it's a meal for one for two days. I have two children both in their 30s now and I must admit they are fantastic parents who work full time. You have to step back and allow your daughter to make her own choices whether right or wrong, just be there if she needs support but dont smoother her. It's a fine line. I've recently retired from a very stressful job, so you start living yours and enjoy life. You will always be there to love her and she does know it in her heart. Good luck xxx

My parents would have kicked me out if I'd behaved like that.

Hello, ilovedragonflies. Can I say I do feel for you in this situation. But your daughter is still a teenager. I sonnetime think this is what some teenagers are like. when my daughtet( now)44 was that age and living at home, we argued constantly. But when she moved out our relationship changed for the better. We now get on brilliantly she's often ringing or popping in for a cuppa. So I'm saying there is light at the end of thr tunnel it's just difficult now. Especially now in lockdown. x

My ex husband and my son have severe mental health x lt has ruined their lives, mine and my other sons. No ones fault just a fact. Do your best, take time for yourself and remember they are ill. Not selfish lazy good for nothings.

Ignore her. Eat what you like and she can sort herself out. Do your own washing, let her do hers. Don’t make excuses for her, she is an ingrate. She needs a very strong dose of her own medicine. It is no wonder she cannot make friends if she treats them the way she treats you.

I really feel for you as she sounds completely selfish and is being totally unfair to you. She is at a very difficult age but she needs to take responsibility for herself. If she will not listen to you or talk to you then perhaps you need to write your feelings down and leave it for her to read.
Do you have friends or family who you can have conversations with or you could get in touch with your local council to find a befriending service.
Does your daughter have any friends she can talk to as she certainly needs to talk to someone. Lying in bed most of the day is very depressing and she does really need medication to help her. I do so hope you sort things out. She does not hate you, she loves you but perhaps hates the situation she now finds herself in and does not know how to cope with it.

You could ask your dr about this,but shes an adult now so they may not discuss with you- but your daughter sounds like she has all the descriptives for autism/aspergers? Especially when you said she hasnt talked much since being little,and only in whispers, and not being caring much or doing things? Or wanting to do 'normal' things like changing bedsheets,tidy room etc,also acting more like a sullen child than a young adult?does she normally go out,when not on lockdown? Or is she more likely to want to stay in her room,avoiding people? Im inclined to think she has ASD issues rathet than bipolar (or possibly both?) have you never had tests for ASD as a child for her?it is possible as an adult,but i think she must ask dr herself for a referral? But she does seem to have the traits/behaviours for it.sorry i cant give you more 'happy' advice- i would say not to take her behaviour too personally,its just that she would be more inclined to 'speak out' as she sees things, perhaps more literally,rather than emotionally,if you see what i mean, but not as a direct criticism of you?i have a son who has borderline ASD issues and he contradicts things about the 'virus' on tv- its because he 'doesnt see things the same way' as facts, he also has issues about the cleaning & washing clothes/sheets etc. He literally doesn't see necessity of it,so I've to make him do things.my grandson behaves same way,hes been diagnosed autistic as a child,hes now 22 and this lockdown is hard for him.(apart from never having to leave the house,which both he and my son really prefer) Also,she could also be getting anxious about moving on to Uni,but doesnt know how to broach this,or ask for help? Have you both been to visit the uni shes going to? Have you had a chat to the disabled student support about her issues? You really must i think,as she sounds like she needs help from them.

I am so sorry to hear this....So difficult for you.
Tell her very firmly that you love her but this situation is not acceptable. Tell her you need to protect your own boundaries and mental health, and carry on doing what you are doing.
You know you can’t force her to change.
There was a piece in the paper (I can’t remember which one), about abuse from adult children to their parents during lockdown).
Is there any organisation you could speak to on the phone?
Your daughter sounds very depressed. It’s a shame she won’t take her medication.

If your daughter is clinically depressed she needs professional help. Best wishes.

If she's off to uni in September, please make sure she has some support for her mental health there.

There is probably very little you can do to change your daughter’s attitude. She will need to come out of this herself,
However, you need some support when you’re feeling desperate. Can you do a video chat with an understanding friend or even find a support line where you can talk about your hurt and frustration. I have been in a similar situation so I know how dreadful it can be, but you must find ways to cope with this and some sort of online counselling might help. Good luck. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s not your fault.

She’s obviously feeling very miserable and hopeless and useless and she’s taking it out on the only person she can ! Teenage girls age 16 are notorious for this kind of behaviour and she sounds stuck in teenager mode. I think the only thing to do is protect yourself. Introduce a bit of formality ! Familiarity breeds contempt. Separate spaces, separate meals. Let her cook whatever she likes do what she likes and arrange meeting times. Shut yourself off otherwise. Being ever available doesn’t give you any switch off time and her type of illness is draining! It’s a terrible hole she’s in but you mustn’t be pulled into it that’s no good to anyone. Hopefully when she’s older she’ll be nice. I must say my daughter has no disorder but she wasn’t very pleasant company until she was 28 when she just turned one day since when we’ve had the relationship I dreamt we’d have when she was born. But it was a long time waiting !

I could of wrote this thread. I have my daughter here due to lockdown. I really feel your pain honestly. Mine has left four and a half years and her being here is so hard. I never watch the tv as she is hogging the sofa and that for 14 or so hours a day. Her room is a mess. I open the window and let air in and that’s it. I keep everywhere in my home spotless but leave that room. When she leaves it will be clean and spotless again. She is very untidy and fair enough live like that in your home but I keep mine clean but she won’t have it. Can’t wait for the travel restrictions to end so she can leave, I’ve had to endure the same things as the poster and I do feel a sense of entitlement has come into play. I will learn to say no now,

You are not alone, there are other people in similar situations, I have been married over 50 years and my husband is similar, I don’t have an answer, was able to cope with it before the lockdown, because I was able to go to my yoga classes meet friends, and family but now at times I feel I am losing it. I find if I go for a walk and get out of the house, and just see other people around, sometimes having a wee chat at a distance makes me feel better, but other than that I just live with it, but I count myself lucky that I have some space to myself in the house, but I do feel for you xx

It would be hard living in a small space with a 19 year old at the best of times. Add in her mental illness and lockdown and it is a recipe for a highly tense situation.

So please do not place any blame on yourself for how things are. You can only do your best and we all have our limits.

My first reaction is many late teenagers behave in a similar manner. Very late sleep ins and lack of communication, snapping and unreasonable behaviour are not uncommon, however if that is what it is, she will come out of it, like most, and become quite nice people.

But it is possible these common symptoms are also symptoms of depression, asberger's and several other conditions. I hope that it simply that horrible late teenage bit.

What very wise and helpful suggestions and insights there are for you here, Ilovedragonflies!
You are not alone in experiencing difficulties with your daughter.
It sounds as if you have always done your best for her, as we mothers do, yet she is unable to relate to you well, because of her own underlying issues.
Nevertheless, please be encouraged by the collective wisdom of these very wise ladies who have offered some very positive ways forward.
If you feel the need to work on your own needs, do have a look at the only site that I have found on the net for understanding and working on yourself.
It's written by Pete Gerlach, and can be found on http;//sfhelp.org
It is very informative and free of charge.
I wish you well, and trust that the changes you are being empowered to make may enable both you and your daughter to live in harmony together from now on.

Gosh some people are hardhearted on here, having suffered with severe depression in the past myself, I know how mental health issues can be totally debilitating. Lockdown and your location are exacerbating the problems for you both. Unlike yourself your daughter doesn’t have work to get up for, so very difficult to get motivated but it is her choice how she spends her day. Try not to take her rudeness personally, hard, I know when you are the only person each other sees perhaps. Even recovery from Coronavirus takes energy as I had a moderate case and experienced terrible fatigue for several weeks after. However, sounds like you are doing the very best you can in the situation, so do take heart and be kind to yourself. Hang on in there, and as others said focus on your well being, using online resources, doing the fitness videos suggested on gransnet, for example, giving yourself space as much as you can. Don’t feel guilt about university curse of mothers.