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I don't think my daughter likes me much

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Ilovedragonflies Sun 03-May-20 12:58:28

She's coming up for 19 and is due to go to university in September. It's been just the two of us since she was little. We've coped, albeit barely at times, and from the outside things look okay. She's never been a talker - as a small child she would whisper to me rather than talk to others. She finds it hard to maintain friendships.

She's become very controlling and, since lockdown, I'm on the receiving end of it. She barely talks to me and if I try to talk to her she rolls her eyes and sneers - everything I say is wrong whereas she's right. She's sleeping until 3ish (pm), gets up, logs onto her computer and phone and that's it until bedtime. She won't walk the dog, hasn't helped with normal housework but will cook every other day. She'll only eat pasta and rice (stir fry) and if I cook anything different, refuses to eat it. I'm still working (from home) so am doing that and everything else and living with someone who, frankly, appears to despise me. She won't have it that she's sinking into another depressive cycle (she's mildly bipolar) and refuses to take any medication our GP has prescribed. The first time she was like this, she self-harmed - it was a terrible cry for help but she won't take the help on offer. I am at my wits end.

I love her so much but she's pushing me away with her constant need to be right about everything. When she does talk, it's to argue. (Small example, I was watching the gov. news update when it was said that 739 further people had died. It was on screen in red. I mentioned it and asked how the gov could say figures were dropping when that many people had died and it was up on the previous day. She said, 'it's not that many, I've googled it and it's only 300'. I say she said, but it was her tone really. It was on the screen at the time. I kept very calm and let it go, but inside I wanted to scream because I can't say anything without her either belittling me, or screaming that I'm wrong and don't listen to her.)

She can't do small talk - doesn't see the point - which is part of her makeup and I understand that. But I'm craving a 'normal' conversation where I can be myself and not walking on eggshells for fear of winding her up.

We both actually caught the virus (she had it mildly) and my GP managed to keep me out of hospital. I'm asthmatic and at one point couldn't catch my breath at all. She sat on the sofa and did nothing to help. It felt like she was waiting for me to die, and didn't care.

I don't actually know why I'm posting this; there's nothing anyone can do to help, after all. I know it's long and I'm sorry about that, and I'm aware I sound selfish and self-pitying but I feel utterly broken and can't go anywhere to talk to anyone in private, which is the norm when she's spiraling, mood-wise. I know she can't help it and I'm the closest person to her so I bear the brunt, and I know this cycle of her mood will probably end in the next month or so, but actually, I'm struggling quite badly at the moment. I can't see any good ending to this situation.

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Keffie12 Tue 05-May-20 02:19:05

@Ilovedragonflies She doesn't despise you. It seems that way. You say your daughter is bipolar!

So is our 2nd son who is now 30. He still lives at home. Though he left many times when he was teens and younger.

You cant do right for doing wrong. Everything you say your wondering if its right or not.

I'm attaching a link to the bipolar charity. They were amazing. If your on social media have a look at some of the bipolar groups for families and see what fits you.

There is no point trying to question or argue with her, as it's a waste of time. I've learnt to switch off. They dont think or feel the same as us.

There is no such thing as mild bipolar. Your either bipolar type 1 or bipolar 2. Our lad started off as bipolar 2 and progressed to one. Please dont minimise this.

Bipolar is a family illness as it affects everyone around the person

You don't need to tell your daughter your researching or ringing anyone. Just do it for your own sanity. Its very common what you say over meds.

Also March - early May time and September end - November/December is seasonal change (SAD) which is a big part of those with B.P. in Spring they are jumpy, edgy and spring. They also sleep alot. This is the same at seasonal change in the winter when they tend to be a tortoise

Some areas have meet up groups. Maybe useful for after lockdown. Please get yourself some help research.

I know how lonely it can feel for you. I have other adult youngsters all fine. They don't get it. Why would they? People don't.

My 2nd lad is now awaiting a diagnosis of autism too as the symptoms for them overlap

www.bipolaruk.org/

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RBond Tue 05-May-20 03:17:23

I so agree with the last post. When I was a teenager I was very moody especially with my Mum. I didn’t realise I had depression until years later and then I felt awful for putting my Mum through this. It’s so easy for us to hurt the ones we love. Hang in there Ilovedragonflies this situation will end. I wish you well and you are doing a great job raising your daughter.

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notanan2 Tue 05-May-20 04:46:37

@Ilovedragonflies She doesn't despise you. It seems that way. You say your daughter is bipolar!

you can have MH issues AND like/dislike people in your own right also, not because of your MH.
Not everyone likes their parents/siblings etc.

Nobody on here can or should tell the OP with certainty that her DD doesnt dislike her.

Its just adding pressure/expectations on the relationship to say she definitely doesnt dislike the OP

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Mebster Tue 05-May-20 05:25:13

This is a really difficult age. I frankly couldn't stand to be around my daughter at age 19 and the feeling was mutual. She's now 35 and we have some really good times together. When I find myself trying too hard with my adult kids that's when I feel pushed away.

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notanan2 Tue 05-May-20 08:47:44

I think theres more pressure on mothers/daughters to like each other than any other family pair.

Theres no pressure on adult kids and dads to be best friends, which makes their relationships easier and more natural.

It means that if mothers and daughters arent best friends they both can feel like theres something wrong with them

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sodapop Tue 05-May-20 08:59:00

Some good advice and help there from Keffie12. Your daughter has her problems and illness ilovedragonflies but don't let her use it as stick to beat with you with. You are helping as much as you can but she has to do her bit too. Live your own life as much as you can at present and don't let her problem take over. Easier said than done I know.

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Hithere Tue 05-May-20 14:26:44

Notanan

Very insightful comment with the mother-daughter expectations of a relationship.

We also see it with dil- mil relationship, while son in law and fil dont have the same social obligation

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