Daughter appears not to like new man

Also, don't suddenly hope, as some have said, that you're son/daughter will suddenly up & move out soon. I've still my 21yr old at home (as well as my 17 yr old) and my eldest daughter has my 2 oldest GC still at home 21 & 22 and from others here on gransnet it seems to be a growing trend that AC are staying at home longer.

Do you think maybe she will feel she is letting her her dad down if she is friendly with your new partner girls are very close to their dad's afterall

Yes not much new to add, theres good advice from all other posts, except- if you've been going out 18 mths,why ask us now? ARE you thinking of taking it further, moving in maybe? Has the being apart during this pandemic made you both want to be together now (if youre allowed soon) in case we have another lockdown? If so, please dont rush into anything, just for that reason, it may end up a mistake- have you asked your man if your Daughter's behaviour bothers him at all? And yes i hate to say it, but the question from phloembundle did cross my mind too- (i cant help it,i have 3 beautiful daughters, and 4 beautiful GD's & i would want to protect them first& foremost) so its something to think about.DONT go accuse him though, just keep an eye out if they meet up. Or be wary of what she tells you if you do ask DD why she appears not to like him. It could just be that 'hes not her dad' so will have to get more used to him, over time. I presume as you dont live together,this wont have had to be a problem while we've had lockdown though?he wont have been 'popping round' at all will he? It may be that the 'break' from his visits while your son&daughter had you to themselves for a bit will have made things a bit better,as your DD will have had one on one time with you again? Be careful not to shut her out again once lockdowns over,because after all,it is NOT yet- dont forget we can still ONLY meet an extra person out in open spaces yet! (a chance for you to meet up alone maybe with your man,for a picnic?or a chat?) None of my older kids liked my ex hubby,and in the end they were right about him.often they know them better,as we can only see with 'rose coloured specs'- maybe not in your case,but just take things as slowly i'd say.

What would you do if she admitted that she really didn't like him? Would you send him packing or would you decide that it was your life and she should have no say? Your daughter might be uncertain as to how you would react and may not want to "test" your loyalty to her detriment. It may be a gut feeling on her part or it may be something he has done which rang alarm bells but doesn't feel able to put it into words because she doesn't want to hurt you or doesn't know if she has read things correctly.
There was a history of infidelity with my Mum when she moved her new partner in and I was really bloody to him. He would give me a lift to work and I would sulk all the way there with monosyllabic answers. I left home very early to get away from it and resented my mother for moving him in. When he died 12 years later, I was devastated. As time went on, I realised that he was in fact a lovely man who adored my Mum. I didn't feel bad for the way I treated him because he and my Mum had put my Dad through the mill but I did value him for our relationship in latter years.
When I met my husband, my daughter was 8 and I had always said that I would take her wishes into account but when the time came, she resented my husband because she liked someone else I had dated far better. That person and I were completely incompatible and my daughter's opinion would have been a disaster for me. Nearly 30 years later, sh isn't close to my husband but she respects him. She sees his faults and laughs about them but knows that she can trust him implicitly to be there for her in a way her biological father just isn't.
You can only go with your gut feeling with the new man and try to keep up a good relationship with your daughter. If there is no underlying reason for her dislike, she will come to appreciate that he keeps you happy when she is mature enough to do that.

Maybe your daughter can still remember how she felt when her dad left and is scared to let someone new in because she doesn't want to go through the same pain again if your boyfriend leaves.
Even though your daughter is an adult she may be immature in relationship experience and doesn't know how to handle your new love.
I doubt she is jealous, I think she is worried that there could be a lot of hurt if he walks away.
I would just let her come around at her own rate and don't push the issue as long as she isn't rude or nasty to him.

I would have to ask her straight about some of the uncomfortable things people have already raised. It's probably that she feels left out and doesn't feel like he can replace her dad however you also need to rule out all possibilities and that means asking a straight question to her about what it is about your partner that makes her feel uncomfortable. If it's just your relationship she doesn't like then that's tough but just make sure that's all it is.

Agree with grandtanteJE65 - no need for rudeness. Yes, ask whether he has behaved inappropriately in any way just in case. If not, she is an adult living under your roof and should behave like an adult, regardless of whether she likes him or not. Ask her what she would feel like if you treated a boyfriend of hers in the same way as she treats your partner. I think that parental relationships throw ACs back to childhood and there might well be some jealousy. She is still coming to terms with adult relationships, but that's no excuse for bad behaviour. If she won't at least try, it's time for her to find her own space. Be courageous, you are entitled to your own life. Good luck!

I agree with those who say you need to speak to your daughter. Have you actually asked her if she has a problem with your partner?

She's obviously jealous and wants you all to herself

Do you like everyone who comes into your life? I am sorry...you just have to accept that she doesn't like him. Sometimes we just don't know why we don't like someone. No big deal. Accept the situation.

Sit your daughter down and tell her that her one word answers are getting on your nerves. If she has a reasonable objection to the man who has come into your life, then you are willing to hear it and discuss it.

Point out that you expect her to behave politely to anyone whom you or her brother invite to your home, and returning such short answers to any and all attempts at conversation is rude and childish behaviour that you are hurt by.

I would ask her directly if she feels he is a con man, or if he has made a pass at her - if either is the case her behaviour is still rude, but more understandable.

Why are your grown-up children still living at home? Is it not time they moved out?

I should add that new partners are often dangerous for children but since your daughter is 22 I’m guessing she would be able to tell you if she felt threatened.

I speak with nearly 40 years experience in school, and many, many teenagers who didn’t like a step parent. Amongst other things I was the Child Protection co ordinator for a long time so was often the one youngsters would seek out to share problems with. Your daughter is older of course but that doesn’t make much difference here. Almost always, (but by no means exclusively) the root cause of the dislike was an underlying fear that parent would ‘choose’ partner over child, that partner would somehow ‘take parent away’ or lessen parents’ love for child. Sometimes it was subconscious, sometimes clearly apparent.

You must remember that you chose him, she didn’t, and if she’d had the choice, wouldn’t have. Your job here is to reassure her how much you love her all the time. You don’t have to have the ‘why don’t you like him’ conversation if you’re not comfortable with it. Take time for just you and her to do something together occasionally. Never, ever say anything bad about her father or make comparison between father and partner. Not even in jest. I’m guessing you wouldn’t anyway but it is so easily done.

It appears that your son does not feel threatened which is great. No need to tackle the problem with him but you love your daughter and want to make her feel certain of your love.

Your new man sounds lovely. If he’s a keeper don’t give up on either of them. Good luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ive had experience with this area.Its hard for children to see a parent with a new partner,regardless of how they became single,widowed etc.I would stick my neck out and say that children want to see loving parents together, the ones that brought them into the world.There is a raft of psychology on the subject,far more than i can write about.Think about why the split up rate is up to 80% in second time relationships,one of the main reasons is family issues.Ive been single for 14 years after divorce ,i don't see it changing really, going into a new relationship would feel a place of landmines!?

Oh dear, been there got the tee shirt. I'm sorry but she may just not like him. My dd seemed ok with my second dh at first, but in the end it was her or him . I've not had any contact for 12 years and never met my GC. There was no obvious fall out or sticking point, my ex and I get on ok. Ds is just about ok with me but not dh. It seems to be the law that you have to welcome your offsprings chosen partners but they can be rude to yours. My dh son wont speak to him until he gets rid of me ! We just live our lives as we want and leave our adult children to get on with theirs.

I'm loathe to say this but is there any chance your man finds your daughter attractive and it makes her feel uncomfortable? Have you ever seen him look at her in a way that is more than a glance?

All you can do is gently let your daughter know exactly how this is making you feel, and appeal to her better nature to open up to you. If she doesn't have a specific reason, just can’t take to him, that’s fine and at least you know what you are dealing with. Also I’d make sure that you still get some girly time together too.

I think it your son and daughter were not living at home and had more of their own lives independent from you then it probably would be be so much of a problem, although you did say it was only your daughter that didn't like your new partner very much. If you are happy with your partner then I'd just ignote daughter's behaviour. I'm sure she will move out to her own place in the near future and will too busy with her own life and maybe become a bit more mature in her outlook on life!

Sounds pretty typical in my experience. My son's accept my choice of a new partner. My daughter seems to need a new partner to prove himself

*Step back. Dont interfere.
Let them get to know each other in the way they are comfortable, at their own pace and decide how they want to behave around each other.*

Good advice from Hithere

In a perfect world it would be lovely if we all liked everyone but it isn't and I think that for most of us, we've all met someone who we just don't warm to or like particularly well. I know that I've felt like that at times with certain individuals.
However, that doesn't excuse rudeness.
Perhaps it's time for another conversation with your daughter, ask her if your partner has upset or offended her in some way etc.

It's plainly and simply resentment, not for any specific reason other than " it's not her dad ".
Give it time and see how things go, but let her know that he won't replace her dad and that he is your friend to which you're entitled to having.

I would ask her outright why she doesn’t want to engage in a conversation sometimes and is just giving one word answers. As that’s quite rude, especially as he gives her birthday and Xmas presents and has helped her out with her car, he sounds as if he is trying to get on with her,I’m not saying they have to be best buddies, she’s close to her dad and that’s great, maybe she was unhappy about you and your husband going your separate ways

Your daughter doesnt have to like him just because you do.