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Daughter appears not to like new man

(64 Posts)
Notagranyet12 Sat 16-May-20 12:20:32

Has anyone had any experience of adult children taking a dislike, for no apparent reason, to a new partner? I live with my son (20) and my daughter (22). I have been seeing my new man for nearly 18 months. We do not live together and have no immediate plans to do so. My son appears to like him and they get on well but my daughter makes no effort and often gives him one word answers when he tries to make conversation with her which I find embarrassing and awkward. He always helps her out if we ask him, like with her car etc and has given her birthday and Christmas gifts but there's definitely a feeling of dislike. He never says anything negative about her but in some ways I wouldn't blame him if he did although I wouldn't like it all. I've asked her outright if she likes him but she doesn't give me a straight answer. I was on my own, divorced from their dad for over 10 years before I finally met someone that I really like and who makes me happy. I'm very close with my daughter and often feel torn, trying to please them both. Any advice please.

Calendargirl Sat 16-May-20 12:27:00

No experience of this sort of thing, so just observations from your post.
Does your daughter still see and have a good relationship with her dad?
Is she worried that if you do move in together, she might be expected to move out?
If you are close with her, she could just be resentful after 10 years that you have met someone else, and she would rather you haven’t? We’re all a bit selfish at times, and she might be thinking of her own happiness before yours. Of course, it might be different if she then met someone and the positions were reversed.

silverlining48 Sat 16-May-20 12:40:29

It’s lovely you have met someone nice after so long. Children even adult children can be awkward sometimes but unless there is something specific your dd has against him then assume it’s just as calendargirl says.
Don’t be tempted to end your relationship because of this.

sodapop Sat 16-May-20 12:41:24

You need to have a straight talk with your daughter Notsgranyet12 she is an adult not a child to be humoured You have been divorced a long time so deserve a chance of happiness.
If she does have a problem with your new partner then she needs to be up front and talk to you about it. I'm sorry but find this selfish behaviour from your daughter, maybe it's time for her to move on and be independent.

Namsnanny Sat 16-May-20 12:51:04

Leave her be. Don't try too hard or pester for an answer.
She's 22y and will be off one day soon on a path of her own making.
Is it worth a falling out now?

Your partner seems ok with it, so go with the flow!

I'm glad your happy smile

BlueBelle Sat 16-May-20 13:03:23

You can’t make someone like someone, as long as she’s not outwardly rude to him just ignore it she should be moving out soon if she’s 22 anyway I personally wouldn’t talk to her
it ll put her back up even more and look like your taking his side pretend it s not happening don’t get too hurt on his behalf unless he starts complaining to you about something really rude One word answers aren’t really rude it’s just not engaging
Your son likes him so one out of two ain’t bad

Hithere Sat 16-May-20 13:20:00

He is your partner and there is a romantic bond between both of you.

Your dd is an adult and she can decide what kind of relationship she has with him.
He is not her partner, you are.
Just because you are with him, it doesnt have to translate into an instant happy family.

You have a relationship in mind you would like your dd and your partner to have. That's not the one your dd wants to have.
If you force your idea, you will spoil the chances of them getting along in the future.

Step back. Dont interfere.
Let them get to know each other in the way they are comfortable, at their own pace and decide how they want to behave around each other.

Hithere Sat 16-May-20 13:30:03

About your title: it is not correct.

Your dd seems to like your new partner just fine.

Please dont tell her she doesn't like him because she is not as giddy buddy buddy with him as you would like her to be
You are the one in love with him, remember?

V3ra Sat 16-May-20 13:37:56

Does she have a romantic relationship of her own?
Maybe she's just jealous.

I'd say try not to worry or try too hard. She'll find her own level with your partner.

GagaJo Sat 16-May-20 13:41:04

My daughter has a history of being jealous of anyone I'm close to. She did in fact have quite an unhealthy degree of attachment to me UNTIL she had a baby. Now she's less bothered about my partner. She still dislikes him in theory but has no real interest in being unpleasant anymore.

I just don't combine the two of them. I spend time with him, frequently (usually, not at the moment) with my grandson. Daughter has no objection to it and sees it as a good thing.

I'd just try to ignore it. If she isn't being actively rude, pass her off to him as a stroppy teenager. At some point her own life will take over for her and she'll be less bothered about what you/he are getting up to.

Notagranyet12 Sat 16-May-20 13:54:19

Thank you for all your replies and thoughts. In answer to a couple of questions:

Yes, my daughter does still have a good relationship and sees her dad regularly (not at moment of course) and co-incidentally she did have a serious boyfriend but they broke up just as I met my partner so not the best timing and I think there may be an element of jealousy as we used to do lots together and don't so much anymore although I try to make time and do special things with her too as much as time and finances allow. Also, I've told her that we have no plans to move in together so she shouldn't be feeling anxious about that.

I think I will just try not to worry so much about it, what will be, will be after all and, as someone said, I can't force things either way. They will just have to get on with it to some degree and hopefully it will all work out in the end.

Thanks again Gransnetters.

TerriT Sat 16-May-20 14:07:37

I expect it comes down to jealousy that she now has to share you after all those years she had you attention. At 22 she is not a child but maybe she’s been allowed to behave like one. Which seems to be what she is now doing. As for someone commenting that one word responses are not rude! I think most people would say they are very rude and a very passive aggressive way of makeing someone feel very uncomfortable. Try to ignore her as your partner is doing and don’t whatever you do let her spoil this happiness you have found. It’s not easy to find so make it your priority. Shell move on to a life of her own which she should make her priority and leave you to your life.

Grammaretto Sat 16-May-20 15:06:18

Some excellent answers here but I think I might be tempted, if it were my DD, to try to talk to her about how you feel. It must be horrid to feel hostility between 2 people you care for but you should not be treading on eggshells to appease the younger one.

It will be hard for her not to be jealous but that is what it sounds like. Not an easy time to meet people either so double reason to feel resentful. I hope for all your sakes that she can move on when the end of lock-down comes and I am sure she will then appreciate you much more.
One word replies indeed!
I get those as texts from my DD.

Tangerine Sat 16-May-20 16:47:18

You say you get on with your daughter. In your position, I would ask her straight out if there was something she disliked about your new partner.

Let's hope she hasn't really got an answer for that one.

Unless she comes up with a good reason, there is no excuse for her to be "off" with him.

What does her brother think about her behaviour?

notanan2 Sat 16-May-20 16:49:36

Your daughter doesnt have to like him just because you do.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 16-May-20 17:00:50

I would ask her outright why she doesn’t want to engage in a conversation sometimes and is just giving one word answers. As that’s quite rude, especially as he gives her birthday and Xmas presents and has helped her out with her car, he sounds as if he is trying to get on with her,I’m not saying they have to be best buddies, she’s close to her dad and that’s great, maybe she was unhappy about you and your husband going your separate ways

EllanVannin Sat 16-May-20 17:01:35

It's plainly and simply resentment, not for any specific reason other than " it's not her dad ".
Give it time and see how things go, but let her know that he won't replace her dad and that he is your friend to which you're entitled to having.

Dee1012 Sat 16-May-20 17:09:02

In a perfect world it would be lovely if we all liked everyone but it isn't and I think that for most of us, we've all met someone who we just don't warm to or like particularly well. I know that I've felt like that at times with certain individuals.
However, that doesn't excuse rudeness.
Perhaps it's time for another conversation with your daughter, ask her if your partner has upset or offended her in some way etc.

Madgran77 Sat 16-May-20 18:06:09

*Step back. Dont interfere.
Let them get to know each other in the way they are comfortable, at their own pace and decide how they want to behave around each other.*

Good advice from Hithere

sarahanew Sun 17-May-20 09:55:28

Sounds pretty typical in my experience. My son's accept my choice of a new partner. My daughter seems to need a new partner to prove himself

Taliya Sun 17-May-20 10:00:24

I think it your son and daughter were not living at home and had more of their own lives independent from you then it probably would be be so much of a problem, although you did say it was only your daughter that didn't like your new partner very much. If you are happy with your partner then I'd just ignote daughter's behaviour. I'm sure she will move out to her own place in the near future and will too busy with her own life and maybe become a bit more mature in her outlook on life!

Coconut Sun 17-May-20 10:02:22

All you can do is gently let your daughter know exactly how this is making you feel, and appeal to her better nature to open up to you. If she doesn't have a specific reason, just can’t take to him, that’s fine and at least you know what you are dealing with. Also I’d make sure that you still get some girly time together too.

Phloembundle Sun 17-May-20 10:03:24

I'm loathe to say this but is there any chance your man finds your daughter attractive and it makes her feel uncomfortable? Have you ever seen him look at her in a way that is more than a glance?

Mrst1405 Sun 17-May-20 10:17:24

Oh dear, been there got the tee shirt. I'm sorry but she may just not like him. My dd seemed ok with my second dh at first, but in the end it was her or him . I've not had any contact for 12 years and never met my GC. There was no obvious fall out or sticking point, my ex and I get on ok. Ds is just about ok with me but not dh. It seems to be the law that you have to welcome your offsprings chosen partners but they can be rude to yours. My dh son wont speak to him until he gets rid of me ! We just live our lives as we want and leave our adult children to get on with theirs.

red1 Sun 17-May-20 10:39:24

ive had experience with this area.Its hard for children to see a parent with a new partner,regardless of how they became single,widowed etc.I would stick my neck out and say that children want to see loving parents together, the ones that brought them into the world.There is a raft of psychology on the subject,far more than i can write about.Think about why the split up rate is up to 80% in second time relationships,one of the main reasons is family issues.Ive been single for 14 years after divorce ,i don't see it changing really, going into a new relationship would feel a place of landmines!?