Daughter appears not to like new man

We can't all like the same people, just because you are in love with someone does not mean that your offspring should love them too.
We sometimes have family members that are not as widely liked so we are polite and this sounds like your DD.
Not speaking from experience as I have been with DH for 57 years and DC left home when they went to university.

There is no reason why your daughter should like him, any more than a random stranger.

Surely you don't want her to be artificially 'nice' or accept him as a family member (but in a totally fake way).

He may not like her either, although of course he will make an effort to help and support her - but that's just to please you.

She's an adult so let her get on with her own life. As long as they can tolerate each other, that's quite good enough.

Sounds like you are doing everything to make her feel loved but it's so often the same problem with blended families worldwide. If the step parent is friendly warm and nice they are 'trying too hard' or if they step back they are 'cold and unfriendly'. It's a lose lose situation. My suggestion would be to carry on making her feel loved and noticed as before, but zero tolerance with the rudeness. In any other context it would not be tolerated so why allow it with your loved one..?
All the best with it.

Quite agree Shizam

On no account let her spoil you new relationship . Next time she needs him to sort her car or whatever just say " sorry I will not let him help you while you continue to be rude to him " .

Good grief! If I’ve gone to all the trouble of raising children reasonably successfully and then be lucky enough to find love second time around, if they didn’t support you, I would be devastated. And tell them so. It’s your life. You’ve done your best. If she doesn’t like him, she’s old enough to live elsewhere. Or pick up her game.

We dont all like the same people surely thats OK,shes not obligated to like someone because you do.Were there never friends of hers you didn't quite take to ? My husband has friends I dont like one who a bit sleazy though never when my OH is in the room .I dont stop him seeing his friend but I prefer they meet somewhere else.

I’m curious to know if her father has remarried, or is in a relationship? If so, how does your daughter feel about it?

may i say that someone who wasn't in the room at the same time would not know if any inappropriate behaviour took place!. I am glad that you are sure it did not though!.......

Thank you all for your comments and the time you've taken to reply. It's very interesting how varied some of the replies are and I can categorically say that no inappropriate behaviour has occurred and if it did, that would be the end of it but that's not happened and won't happen.
My children won't be leaving home any time soon and I don't expect them to. They have no means to anyway and my son is still at uni.
When the lock down is over and life returns to a new normal hopefully they will just get used to each other and learn to get along in their own way. I'm not intending to end it with him, took me long enough to find him.......
Thanks again. Stay safe everyone. x

I agree with those who say that it's your life and she may just be feeling that you should still be with her dad? Or she could have genuine bad vibes about him. Sit down with her, ask her if she does have any issues with him. Listen to what she has to say, but then make up your mind. Then you can point out that he makes you happy and you would like her to accept your relationship with a good grace.

Having been a stepmum, and also through personal friends, I have to say that daughters in particular, can be VERY reluctant to accept a new partner in either parent's life! I have also had female friends that absolutely refused to accept a father or mother's new partner, even when he/she had been widowed for more than ten years!
My late husband died in 2010 and my stepdaughter wages a campaign of war against me, which intensified after her father and I married. We had been going out together (but not living together) for nine years before we married. I received abusive phone calls, including threats of violence) whenever she thought her father was out. When he died, she came to our marital home with a removal van(together with several large and intimidating male friends) and stripped the house of everything that had belonged to her parents (which was almost everything except my clothes). These are just two examples of her behaviour. Her brother was OK. Neither came to visit their father if they could avoid it. Both were over 35 when we married. They had only lived in the marital home for a short time before their mother died (both were adults and living away from home at that time), I would have saved myself from a lot of heartache if I had not married my late husband. I had reservations, knowing how my "soon to be" stepdaughter felt, but I believed he needed my support. Never again!

I would agree with the PP who commented that our children expect us to accept who they chose as partner but they are not going to like our choices. Been there.
I had been ill and alone for some considerable time. OH had died, all older relatives had died and I only had my DC left. I was expected to be a childminder and a bank machine rolled into one. No matter what I did it was never enough. Partners were changed on a regular basis and I just had to accept them. When it came to her bringing my ex, her father, with her I began to find it difficult. So not only do I have accept their choice of partner I am now expected to accept my ex in her home and now into my home!!
I met someone and it took me nearly a year to tell DC. My new partner didn't complain when I would have to dash off for whatever crisis was happening. One day we, my partner and I, were out and DC came over and started abusing me. I don't know if she realised he was with me or a stranger but she totally ignored him trying to speak up for me and protect me. AT that point I had not told DC that I had met anyone. From the day I told her I only saw her a few more times.
I don't know if there was any expectation that I would be happy with ex, a Cinderella dream. I would not be I divorced him for good reason and that reason still stands.
I am still with the new man. He is kind to me but I don't know anymore how to evaluate things. I was so used to all the abusive stuff that anything would be better.
Stick with the new man and ask your children to behave with the manners that they were brought up to have.

Be very very careful when raising the "has he been inappropriate with you" discussion. It might just put ideas into her head and lead to a slippery slope from which there is no return. I wouldn't even go there. If he has done or said anything to make her feel uncomfortable, she is old enough to speak up without prompting.

It's not as though he has been inappropriate with her but she is holding back so as not to hurt your feelings - it's clear that her treatment of him is already hurting you and she doesn't seem to care.

I say not to let it bother you. She's regressing into her teenage self, and her behaviour is her responsibility. Your man sounds lovely but perhaps he's trying too hard to "fit in". Ask him to give her a wide berth and see how she reacts - it might unnerve her that he is the one giving her one-word responses (if she does speak to him at all, that is).

Far more healthy for you to develop your 'couple' relationship rather than a 'happy family' relationship.

Again, how doesnt she like the guy?

I truly dont see that

She is replying to his questions - one single word answers is not rude

Now, calling him names, saying things "get out of my house" " I hate you" would have to be addressed.

She just doesnt want a relationship with him. It is her right as an adult.

Does it matter that your daughter doesn't like the guy? She's probably going to move out soon and in the meantime they can just ignore each other. What if you didn't like one of her partners? It happens. No harm in reminding her you brought her up to be at least polite though, like she would expect you to be if she was going out with someone you didn't like.

red1 I agree. Dad was widowed and met someone who was very different to our Mum - she was nice enough but due tondifferent locations, I didn't really see that much of her to get to know her well. Brother and his wife did though and they both got on with her.

But turned out that she had started two timing Dad. Went on holiday with him and a week after getting back announced she had met and was marrying the other man!! Other man became her third husband - and about 2 years later my brother had a chance encounter with her and found that guy had died too. So with hindsight Dad had a lucky escape!!

My first thoughts were same as Phloembundle, has he been a bit to friendly when the mother isn't in the room!

Your daughter will eventually take her own path in life and leave for a partner,job or something else. If you give up this man who makes you happy because of her and she goes ,where will you be? Alone and resentful? While she makes a new life for herself after you've given him up, so think long and hard before acting on anything.Whatever her reason for this attitude life goes on and you deserve a chance at happiness.

I had it for years since I married again 15 years ago ! My daughter wasn’t too keen on her father herself and wouldn’t remember us together as she was only a baby when I left so it wasn’t that. She was used to having me to herself but carried on having the problem when she got married! She has just turned 30 and she’s warming up and in fact whenever they do anything alone together they got on like a house on fire. But when I was around it was a horrible frost. I’ve asked her what she thinks it was and she doesn’t know! I’m a very well trained and experienced therapist but even I can’t quite figure it out. Maybe Can’t see the wood for the trees.

Only comment I would add is that a colleague finished a budding romance because her DD objected. A few months later DD moved out to live with her BF and Mum was alone and lonely.

What’s he like with her when you are not there?

I would make sure you have a day out or afternoon out with her now and again. She will always be your daughter.

IN REPLY TO SOME WHO HAVE ASKED- Not everyones AC reach 18 & move out- some have no means to do so- some are still in education,some have any number of miriad reasons, medical or behavioral issues, lack of cash, immaturity, whatever, but its a growing trend apparently, and its no ones business but the parent/'childs'- its even been in news that due to recession& growing house prices that theres AC up to 40's at home still- or having to return home,as theycant afford to live elsewhere (could be more coming home to roost soon then?) and i think too that 'teens to twentys' nowadays are less mature& worldly- wise than we were at that age.

Please DONT suggest she 'moves out & finds her own space' as that will make her resent him much more- and also may lose you your daughter permanently,as said by some of the other gransnetters on here.

Good point Glammanana