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To leave or not to leave ??

(14 Posts)
Espes Thu 28-May-20 22:43:53

Having seen a few threads on here where deeply unhappy women are struggling in their marriages and trying to pluck up the courage to leave, I was wondering if anyone who has taken the plunge and left their marriage after many years, have subsequently regretted their decision. Or actually wished they could rekindle their relationship having been apart for a while?

I thought it would be interesting to see if most ladies who have been brave enough to go for it have really embraced independence and are loving life? Or do they wish they'd stayed put.

My marriage is pretty rocky at the moment so I just thought I'd ask the question...

TwiceAsNice Thu 28-May-20 23:19:35

I left 5 years ago after 42 years. I don’t regret it for a minute I’ve never been happier. I do regret massively that I didn’t do it sooner. You only have one life and you have the right to be happy

geekesse Thu 28-May-20 23:26:24

I was divorced 20 years ago after 20 years of marriage, but it wasn’t exactly ‘deeply unhappy’. It just fizzled out when it became clear we were heading in different directions. If it helps, I love being single now - wouldn’t even consider marrying again, or living with anyone.

It wasn’t always easy - I had young-ish kids at the time, and money was tight because he didn’t pay all the child maintenance due. But I built up a career out of necessity and now have a job I love and nothing to tie me down. The single life doesn’t suit everyone, though.

Chewbacca Thu 28-May-20 23:56:43

I agree with TwiceAsNice, my only regret was that I waited so long. Married 35 years before I finally accepted that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, whatever it was that had brought us together in the beginning was no longer there. We'd lived separate lives under the same roof for several years and it was just an empty shell by the time I left. No acrimony; just relief. And now we're the best of friends which is an excellent outcome in the circumstances.

TwiceAsNice Fri 29-May-20 00:02:03

Glad you agree with me Chewbacca. I did not stay friends with my ex as he was abusive but good outcome if you can manage it

Chewbacca Fri 29-May-20 00:06:11

It took a fair bit of turning the other cheek on many occassions TwiceAsNice, and it wasn't easy in the beginning, but it's turned out well in the end. We get on great now we're 20 miles apart! grin

Evie64 Fri 29-May-20 01:06:13

This always makes me think of the animal kingdom, where the two sexes meet, mate, produce offspring, bring them up until they are off hand, and then go their separate ways. Perhaps they have it right? It seems to me, from experience, and from friends experiences, that once the kids are off hand and have their own lives, that's when it all goes tits up? Sadly, we stick around out of habit and fear of the unknown?

rosecarmel Fri 29-May-20 03:45:26

If your kids see you " tough out " an unhappy marriage/relationship, they might think it's normal and do same too-

BlueBelle Fri 29-May-20 04:39:31

I ll never forget the peaceful feeling the first night I locked my own door it was a very very inadequate flat for me and our three children but it was a palace

ladymuck Fri 29-May-20 06:00:17

I had been married for 42 years when I left my husband. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.

Sparkling Fri 29-May-20 06:00:44

Most marriages have rocky times but if the love is there you get through. Our love grew and it's almost unbearable now he's gone. If the love and deep friendship is not there surely it's pointless being together making each other unhappy. Only you know how you feel and how he is towards you. People can give up on a good thing too soon but equally stay in a bad situation out of fear of the unknown. I couldn't live like that.

Espes Fri 29-May-20 07:52:48

We've been married for 15 years. It's my second marriage. First husband was emotionally and verbally abusive and a serial adulterer. I'll spare you the gory details but I left with my two young teenage boys. All I felt was relief. A year later I met my current husband. I thought this marriage was my happy ending and we were happy, the kids left home, so it's just the two of us, we have a home we both love, but two years ago he changed, admitted he didn't feel the same about me anymore and now sleeps in the spare room. At first my heart broke in two I went through months of such misery. Physical contact is now zero. Affection ie hugs, handholding, gentle teasing etc is zero. He is pleasant, civil, polite 99% of the time but it's breaking my heart. He is an absolute brick wall if I try to talk about it and refuses to / is unable to talk about his feelings. He refuses point blank to go to counselling. He had a very traumatic childhood and has always had relationship problems but I naively thought he had settled and was happy with me. I have a good job, a lovely family who know nothing about this situation, but I feel so lost. I don't know where to go from here. I still love him but it's mixed with anger and bewilderment.

sodapop Fri 29-May-20 08:35:30

Espes talk to your family about what is happening don't keep it all bottled up.
Is there any chance of you living separately for a while when the Covid situation allows so you can sort things out in your head.
After two years it doesn't seem likely your husband will change his mind, it's very sad when one person's feelings change like this.. I hope you can get some support with this.

Ohmother Fri 29-May-20 09:02:26

Where can you see yourself in three years time? If he won’t support your marriage in talking it through or by going to some sort of mediation service then it sounds like it’s a living hell that he’s not prepared to change. Please don’t live like this. Be kind to yourself and give that love to someone who really needs it...yourself. You deserve better and life moves on so quickly. Best wishes. X