My Grownup Children Are So Unhappy.

What struck me first was this was the OP mentioned her age and then later the fact she was on her own.

Don't get me wrong beautybumble I 'get' what you are feeling but just wondering if you are putting all the onus on your family to have a life instead of forging a life for yourself apart from your family?

Yes, help out when you can but look outside the family for your interests. Find things YOU want to do and IF you are available at any time, then help your family out but don't make them the first and foremost. Once you start to enjoy your life, your way, you may find you haven't time to wonder what they are doing? Sometimes (and I don't know if this applies) but people think they only way to go is by being available to adult children to bail them out, babysit, etc. It ISN'T...you were a person before you had them, you are a person now. Enjoy YOUR life for you.

I would certainly stay away and see if they notice/comment/ invite you back.

do you think that you are trying to buy their interest and affection by being useful to them.
it's not working. never will. stop doing it.
save your energy for your own life.
it's easy to fall into this dynamic, without even realising it.
you don't have to analyse their motives, just create a healthy distance, remove yourself from the scenario which is making you sad.

Esspee, I wouldn't let anyone in. A friend 'popped by' just before lockdown and was most surprised that I wouldn't open the door.

I chatted to her (on the phone, through the window) to explain that I'd decided to isolate (mainly to stop my grown children worrying about me). She seemed quite put out - but tough.

NannyC2 the Irish Blessing was lovely.

Beautybumble. You should not be visiting any other household unless out of doors. Are you aware of this? Please do what most of us are doing and stick to the rules.
I would be very annoyed at anyone who felt they could enter my home under the present pandemic and this includes close relatives.

3nanny6, they will treat you as a doormat until you stick up for yourself and demand respect. I'd say 'No more shopping until you pay for the last lot, I simply can't afford it'. Accept no arguments, ignore any pleading, they are adults and your 'mother' job is over.

beautybumble, what exactly do you want them to do? Make a big fuss of you or stop what they're doing and give you undivided attention perhaps?

You say that you've helped them all a lot. Isn't that what parents do? Surely you don't expect them to be eternally grateful and cheery - do you?

3nanny6, sounds like it’s time to stop taking food over

Just make sure they actually want you there. You might be there far too often. Fill your life up with people and things other than your kids. Perhaps also ask if there is something you have done or said to bother them and listen to what they say and be open to the response. If they are just bored and ungrateful, you should visit less and wait to be invited and then invite them over to you.

I had to move house as one of my grandchildren turned very rebellious and threatening as a teenager. His mum then rejected him & put him in care. He now has a beautiful baby who is being fostered. I sometimes feel alone and that no-one else has family problems.

AC are not children but adults! It's high time they and you realise that the emphasis has changed for good. I brought mine up to stand on their own feet and they have done me proud. Living 150 miles away, I've never been in a position to take a major part in the GCs' upbringing and don't regret it as my GC are now growing up to be responsible and self-sufficient adults.

but obviously you aren't going now during lockdown so they will probably appreciate you when the see you after this is over

Has this been the case for ages, or is it since lockdown? If the former, then I think you need to talk to them. How many are there, and do they all behave the same? It makes you a common denominator, but you need to know why. If it’s since lockdown, then that’s a different scenario altogether. At least at the moment, you have a valid reason for hanging back, and giving you all some space. A great opportunity for truths without being face to face. Hopefully once out of lockdown, it’ll be sorted, or you’ll at least know where you stand. You can start to do things just for you. I wish the best for you.

Hello Beautybumble

Today is Pentecost a time to be happy and joyful. Try sending your children this to see if it makes them smile - I was sent it this morning from a friend. Music - Irish scenery - and dancing -

youtu.be/TascsWZPj8U

Just be there for them, one day they will realise just how precious you are to them.

Think I would just stop visiting. Would you continue to visit if they weren't your adult childrens and you were treated that way? They will hopefully notice your absence and makes some kind of effort to acknowledge you are their mother and how much you have helped them. Sorry but they sound as if they need a wake up call!

They are adults and need to cope. Difficult at the moment, but do work on having a good social life of your own - its so easy to get tangled up in the lives of our AC and GC. maybe your AC need some space. If hey can't be bothered to be polite draw back a bit.

One vote for oldmom

Me too.
I wouldn't stick around for more of the same.

If my children treated me this way, I would assume I am not welcome in their home and stop visiting them.

Readymeals I've been thinking the same thing. Only you and one other poster has even mentioned the fact that OP shouldn't be visiting at the moment.

I'm in my 40s, and if my dear mum was still with us, she would be in her 80s.

Quite frankly, if your adult child is not standing on their own two feet, and dealing with their own stuff, then the best thing you can do is stand back and let them work it out. Ask yourself, what would they do when I'm gone? Then let them do that.

I'm not saying never help them out, but don't enable a so-called adult who is still acting like a spoiled teenager. If your adult children are in their 30s or older, YOU should be able to rely on THEM. They should be concerned for your well-being, not you fretting yourself over them. They should be the ones carrying the load.

\Don't let your own family treat you like dirt. Back off, and do your own thing for a while, Be a bit slow to answer their calls. Don't let them keep taking you for granted. Let them miss you. They might start to think about what it would be like if you weren't there at all.

If you're of retirement age, don't just retire from work. Retire from bearing the load. Stop letting your "kids" act like kids, and make them grow up. Let them take the weight. You've done your share and more.

Time to put yourself first. If you're stressed, tired and short on sleep, you are probably more at risk.

Why do you go if you do not like it?

I have one AC like this and she often bites my head off - it's because she isn't happy no matter what happens. For the record, I also have a few friends whose children are the same. I don't think we ever relied on our parents as much as offspring do now. I often want to tell my daughter to pull herself together but instead I listen to all her woes. Whoever listens to mine! I am also in my 70s and just want a quiet life where everyone is nice to me but maybe life's not like that!

Beautybumble : I do empathize with the way you describe your AC treating you. I expect you have not been going into their houses during lockdown the same as I would not do. however that has not stopped one of my AC (she has my GC and she has constantly phoned me during lockdown to take shopping etc around to her. (no money materializes once I get the shopping there so I am left out of pocket.
I have had words with her time and time again but she still does the same thing and I am fed up to the back teeth with it. My sentiments match your entirely and if I could take the upheaval I too would go somewhere away and start afresh life. I care about my AC but all I want is for them to stand on there own two feet and for once in their lives to consider that I too have a life to live.
I get angry when I hear older people saying that the younger generation (our children) are just like that and they expect more, we had our hard times as well bringing them up and they should have more respect for us and appreciate what we have done for them. Rant over but this post echoes my feelings entirely.