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My Grownup Children Are So Unhappy.

(51 Posts)
beautybumble Sat 30-May-20 17:51:07

I'm 70 next month and I'm finding it so hard to cope with the constant low moods of my children. I've helped them all a lot with grandchildren to help make their lives a bit easier and of course because I dearly love them. But when I do go round I'm greeted with a miserable half hearted hello and then I feel the whole time that I'm not really wanted there. When I eventually leave, they can barely be bothered to look up to say goodbye. I don't have a partner so I just end up worrying about it for days until it happens again. Sometimes I wish I could go somewhere away and start a fresh life, but of course I would never really leave them in the lurch.

MissAdventure Sat 30-May-20 17:53:10

Are they like it with other people, such as their friends and work colleagues?

mumofmadboys Sat 30-May-20 18:18:36

Could you gently talk to them about it and say it drags your mood down too? Ask them if they have any additional worries you don't know about. Maybe ask if you can do anything to help.

starbird Sat 30-May-20 18:37:23

Do you see them often? If so perhaps you have become part of the furniture, and they are treating you like one of the family.

Do you have an active social life yourself? If not, perhaps when this Covid thing is over, you could join some organisations like U3A and find you don’t have time to visit your children as often, but when you do, you will have more to talk about. They might respond to your animation and cheer up themselves!

Summerlove Sat 30-May-20 19:33:40

Sounds like they are really struggling with lockdown right now

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 30-May-20 19:43:09

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, try not going round there for a while.
I’m afraid that you may have become so taken for granted that they are not treating you very well, it will improve your mood f you stay away and don’t let yourself be dragged down by your ACs.

Niobe Sat 30-May-20 20:37:19

Do you only go round when you are invited or do you just pop in as you feel like it?
If they treat you like this if they invite you round then start ‘being busy’ and missing a few visits.
If you are just popping in uninvited then stop and think before doing so.

welbeck Sat 30-May-20 22:28:06

it's easy to fall into taking people for granted, esp family members whom we know will always be there, except of course they are not. none of us are. ultimately.
but younger people esp can overlook that fact.
anyway, try to expand your own circle of interest and activity and importance. value yourself, cultivate your own inner self, and don't rush to do too much for others, even family. wait for them to come to you and shew some appreciation of what you do. good luck.

Hithere Sat 30-May-20 23:04:50

Why are they unhappy?

You have the right to control how much negativity you have in your life

sodapop Sun 31-May-20 08:46:10

I agree with Welbeck have other interests and get in touch with friends etc. You need to care for yourself as well as your family. Talk to them about how you feel, its easy to fall into a habit of being negative,

FindingNemo15 Sun 31-May-20 09:39:57

When we visit our DD she spends most of her time on her mobile and last time said if I was bored I should have brought a book to read!

seacliff Sun 31-May-20 09:44:56

Are they also like that with you, when in a larger group of friends and/or family? Or are they more animated with others?

Who initiates your visits to them? You or them? If them, next time they call/text, say sorry but you have something else planned with friends that day. Just try not seeing them as often.

When you do see them, could you suggest an activity you could all go and do together, as long as they can afford to pay their way, and subject to lockdown restrictions? Ten pin bowling? A picnic at a local beauty spot. Just get them out of the rut.

I agree with others above - make your own new interests, so you go out at least one extra time per week, more if possible. It could be voluntary work. Anything that gets you out, and seeing new people. Try not to dwell on their bad attitude, and make your own enjoyment away from them.

MarieEliza Sun 31-May-20 09:49:16

My adult children sometimes go into child mode when the family are always together, I think I would distance for a while and remain the mature adult, we can’t always solve the ‘role’ problem

Thecatshatontgemat Sun 31-May-20 09:57:45

Well stop going round there then....
Do something that makes YOU happy.
They are adults, let them get on with it.

ReadyMeals Sun 31-May-20 10:23:24

Is it possible they seem a bit strained with you cos you're not actually meant to be there since we're not supposed to be visiting people's homes at the moment?

ReadyMeals Sun 31-May-20 10:23:56

or maybe you're in a country where it is allowed, I should have asked first!

Callistemon Sun 31-May-20 10:26:37

Readymeals I was going to ask the same.

Perhaps they are too polite to tell you that you shouldn't be there.

Greciangirl Sun 31-May-20 10:34:22

I only ever hear from my DD when she wants to borrow something, or to look after dgs.

Not being able to look after him at the moment, so unless I contact her, I wouldn’t know what’s going on in her life.

It’s a bit hurtful to be honest.

Agranbytheendofthesummer Sun 31-May-20 10:54:18

Are you in the U.K.? If so you shouldn’t be visiting them anyway!

Daisymae Sun 31-May-20 11:07:01

Maybe you should find some joy elsewhere and loosen your focus in them? Their happiness is their responsibility not your. It impossible to wave a magic wand and fix all their problems. Maybe you should be too busy to see them for a while, perhaps they feel that they don't need to make an effort, especially if you have always been at their beck and call.

Aepgirl Sun 31-May-20 11:11:19

We’re all struggling with lockdown, particularly those on their own. They should be more respectful to you.

timetogo2016 Sun 31-May-20 11:11:26

If they make you unhappy and sad stop going and see if they show interest in you.
Also is this a new thing or have thay always been like it,if not
they may have lockdown fever as i put it.
Personally i would ask them outright what the problem is.

Almaz65 Sun 31-May-20 11:30:28

I think they are taking advantage of your good nature. Stay away for a bit if you can, they are probably feeling down cos everyone on social media seems to be having a great time. It's a lot of rubbish really and your kids can't keep up maybe, it's all expensive. Treat yourself if they are pulling you down with them.

mumstheword86 Sun 31-May-20 11:33:23

Maybe turn up in a fancydress outfit and see if they notice you !!!
Or when we are able go on an extended holiday/visit a friend try and look to join in helping out others Voluntary work is so rewarding and so many people will be in same situation as you so be brave You only live once and to be sad with your life as it is and having no apprecation is so destressing mentally Good Luck take care Keep safe XXX

ReadyMeals Sun 31-May-20 11:33:53

Considering how many people are referring to lockdown without having spotted the OP is probably not, therefore, supposed to be visiting at all, makes me worried that everyone else is just visiting each other and ignoring the rules. Or is it simply the Cummings effect?