Daughter

Gingster, do you know why your daughter decides to do what will disadvantage her? For instance, why did she decide to have four children and different partners?

There is something wrong with her thinking and she learns different she will not improve.
I don't agree she needs even worse experiences to make her more responsible. She needs to learn the way backward children learn, with kindness, for the sake of her and her children.

My guess is she has some mistaken idea about sexual relationships. Is she a simple-minded romantic? Or is she so lacking in confidence she believes she cannot live without some man or some parent supporting her?

I mean, anyone may be in material poverty for reasons beyond their control. But your daughter has four kids so why did she choose to do so?

She is very fortunate to have such a kindly mother as yourself!

It's time someone sat her down and told her how an adult woman aims to manage life.

I know you would never stop helping. My best advice would be to give a couple of big bags of good basic groceries every week. And say you will pay directly for a few necessities for the children, clothing etc. This should help her financially, so she can budget for bills, and you will know they aren't starving. Don't give her actual money. If she causes a row every time you bring the subject up, she is being very ungrateful and using you for a mug.

Surely if they are in dire straits they should be claiming housig benefit towards the cost of their rent and also council tax??

Morning Gingster. You sound like a lovely caring mum. Would it be possible to pour out your feelings and subsequent decision on a pretty card to your daughter and then you will feel more able to say more easily what you intend doing from now on so as to lessen the likelihood of making yourself feel depressed. You have helped your daughter greatly and now the time has come to help yourself. Best of luck. ?Remember she wouldn’t be where she is today without you!

It isn’t as simple as you don’t pay a rent and you are homeless. There are a lot of things in place To safeguard this and my advice would be that you encourage her to get the right advice and support from a local support group in your area. To start with she should be on universal credit if rolled in your area or job seekers allowance (JSA) or if she has an underlying condition employment support allowance (ESA). There are child tax credits and working tax credits that will come into play depending on income and hours worked and that would be for them as a couple to help with the children costs. There is also housing benefit which will be separate unless on universal credit and if neither are working that will pay their whole rent unless they have an excess of bedrooms and are subject to bedroom tax. But they are far better actually to be in rented rather than mortgages with their unstable work patterns as they do have protection. If they do have arrears then there are ways to ask for additional help and time to deal with those and repossession really is a last resort and can only be carried out once a section 21 notice had been successfully applied and a court has heard the case. Also as they have children (under 18) they are protected by the Children’s Act 1989 which means even if they do lose their home they will have to have emergency housing - which could be a B&B or hostel or other temporary accommodation and would be helped by their local authority as long as they have lived in that area for more than five years. So please do not let them use the threat of not being able to pay rent to make you give them money. If it helps there are inline benefit calculators including an excellent one from turn2us (a charity) that can give a guide on what they should be receiving. Hope that helps.

Love many of the comments. I'd add IF you support financially at all in the future do NOT hand money over to her as she clearly cannot be trusted. Get the details of whoever needs paying and do it direct. Then you will know the money has been used for a sensible purpose.

It is hard for you ,but you need to think what will she do when you have both gone ?
You are enabling her and how do you know that if you stopped “helping her with rent “ she would be homeless?

She could be playing you ,I know I sound hard but she is a parent and should be taking responsibility.

If she is on Benefits or UC her landlord can apply online for her rent to be paid directly to him.
I know this is true because I had a tenant that was not paying me she is on UC .
So now it comes straight to me and I get rent payments for rent she owes me a little each month .

So stop giving her rent make her stand on her own 2 feet

If she has four children by different fathers, are they all paying child maintenance, does she get any allowances or benefit at all? You could be bankrolling her unnecessarily! And I certainly wouldn't be paying for a roof over the head of the current partner, if he's too idle to work I'd show him the door!

Do the fathers of the children help at all?

If your sons have done well in life then that's great and you helping your daughter out to stop her and your grand children becoming homeless is not affecting them adversely is it. Yes, she sounds like she has been irresponsible having 4 children with different fathers but maybe she was just very unlucky in relationships? Are the fathers of the children paying any maintenance?. You don't say whether your daughter is in social housing or private rented? If she is in Private rented then no wonder you have to help with the rent as private rented flats or houses are extremely expensive and benefits don't cover the full costs of rents in the private sector. You should advise her to go on the council house waiting list. She has children so she will be a priority. If she become homeless then your daughter and your grand children would most likely end up in one room in a hostel or bnb severely affecting the mental and physical health of your daughter and grandchildren. If your daughter is already in social housing then benefits should cover her rent and you may have to sit down with her and go through her finances and budgeting. You are being a terrific mum helping your daughter out.?

Very true Grannyjay. I agree with all you say. If only I could go back and start again.. ?

Maybe your husband feels you helping your daughter constantly is not helping her manage by herself and then gets stuck into a cycle of dependency. Women who are in a situation like that with children make rash choices and that usually includes men who are unreliable and unsupportive. She will continue looking for reassurance from unsuitable partners because she has no self esteem and confidence in herself. The biggest gift you can give her is confidence in managing herself and not reliance on you. That is love.

I would never let my GCgo without in any way. My daughter is a great mum and she does her best but makes such silly choices and doesn’t think things through. The children are intelligent, loving and thriving so I have no worries there. I would give her all my money if necessary but DH begrudges helping her out all the time. Thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate it

Gingster what I would do is wipe off what she owes you up to now because if you can afford to give it you won't miss it?

What I would do is sit her down and tell her...no more! She has to start taking responsibility for herself and her children. Give her enough warning so she can digest this and implement it. Of course, she will get angry at you, start accusing you of not caring etc but gently remind her, she is an adult with her own responsibilites.

Obviously you don't want your grandchildren to suffer in any way but hopefully you know your daughter enough to know she will put them first? If you aren't sure then I think you really need to consider your next option which is either to take your gc on board or to report her? Not something anybody would do lightly but it does depend on how much you think your daughter is just using you or if you really think your grandchildren are in any sort of danger?

It is very hard to be a mom
My job is to prepare my kids to be independent.

What would your dd do if you were not able to give her money?
What happens when you pass away and are not here to rescue her?

It is amazing what people do to survive when they truly have to face reality.

CrazyH which is exactly what I did after I sold the house. I helped both D's, one in Oz, the other here. I didn't see the point in " hanging on to the money ", say I lived to 100 and they were struggling ?
Better the money now instead of them waiting until you snuff it or you'll be thinking it's all they're waiting for.

Gingster, if you're in no hurry for your money back it's best not to say anything if your D's struggling and has got children as there's obviously no chance of you getting it back for a while yet. I wouldn't refuse her help either----but that's me, these are tough times and if you've got money to spare then go ahead and help her as at least you'll feel better knowing the family are fed or the rent's paid.

I don't see the point in hording money in the bank when you could help the family in these times. You can't see them homeless, they really can't help it.

The interest rate is rubbish anyway it might as well be stuffed inside the mattress.

It's just a different form of help, not an insult.
Throwing money at a problem isn't always the best help to give.

We are in the same situation with our daughter (except that she only has one child).
She is well and truly caught in the poverty trap - very little money but no decent paid work available locally.

We pay her mortgage as she receives no assistance towards her housing costs. She can't sell and move into a rental home as the rent would not be paid as she would have voluntarily made herself homeless - its catch 22.

The benefit she receives to keep her and my grandaughter is nowhere near enough, it certainly isn't enough for clothing or shoes for a growing child - so we buy most of that too.

Until her daughter was born she worked full time and, although money was tight, managed really well, she never had any debts.

We buy some of her food but never give her cash any more - it was never enough and was rarely used for the original purpose!

Its extremely frustrating and I can't see any end to it. No way would I see her or my Grandaughter homeless - and I couldn't put up with her living with us!

I suffer endless guilt because my son is struggling too (due to ilness) and we can't help him to the same extent.

Sorry OP I can't offer any solutions just the small comfort that you are not on your own!

I wouldn't dream of asking to go through her bills with her as one previous poster suggested - what an insult!

We don’t lend our children money.....we just give it. They’ve all worked hard and have been responsible, so if ever they’ve needed help, and it’s not often, we oblige. We feel we’ve been very privileged throughout our lives though, and can afford to do it. If we thought they were irresponsible, like your daughter, I’m sure we’d still want to help, but it may be more begrudgingly. Has she not had any help from the government at all, regarding her lost earnings? She surely would qualify. I think if you lend money to people who are struggling financially, you should expect not to get it back. You definitely should sit down with her and work out a plan and then stick to it, much like any other money lender would.

Maybe cut down on the amount you help, bit by bit.
Tell her you'll be doing so, and why.

The have a friend with a “ needy” daughter, like yourself there are two other diligent male siblings.
My friend has a spread sheet a the money the daughter is given to help with food, rent etc is logged.
The money will come off her share of inheritance

Gingster
You suspect right, you will go on subsidizing her - for as long as you can, when you can’t she will have to go to social services for help. You are looking for a way out of the paying, she is 41 and is not going to change, nor is her man, unless he leaves, although it sounds as if it would be no loss.

Carry on loving all of the children and don’t worry about her, if you can’t afford to help don’t.

I think it would be a good idea as suggested via another post to sit down with your daughter and look at all her outgoings and the income she has coming in. She is an adult and if she has any respect for you or herself she would want to be able to manage her money. She may already have some debts that don’t put her on a good footing before she starts when she receives her money. I know this happened when those changing to universal credit were crying out that they couldn’t manage but it turned out they had debts to pay off leading them to not have enough to live on. If this is the case they could go to the CAB regarding debts. We have all had to tighten our purse strings when we had family at home and I know I just did without many things to just be able to eat and keep a roof over our heads. Showing her that you want to help her be independent and manage her money is a much better way than just bailing her out as this will continue for ever.

Ginster I’m sure by now you know what the answer to your question will be.

Tell your daughter that she will have to go on benefits.

Instead of giving her money , If you can’t stand by and do nothing then why not buy odd bits for the kiddies? things that they actually have to have , shoes or clothes, school books etc.
Or buy odds and ends of food shopping for her, Even a small amount of groceries is better than handing over cash.

Thankyou for all your response. It’s so good to unload worries in this site. It’s gone on for so long and you are quite right 3nanny 6 they get to expect it. Every now and then I blow up and tell her this will not be continuing. It causes arguments between me and DH. And you are quite right Hithere , we have been enabling this behaviour . Trouble is every time I bring the matter up, we have a big argument and don’t speak for a week. Then I feel bad and I don’t want her getting depressed. It’s so hard being a mum ?