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(82 Posts)
Gingster Thu 04-Jun-20 11:45:19

I love my daughter to bits but she is so irresponsible. 41 yrs old. 4 children, different fathers. Rented house with partner who works now and then, never regular work. She had started cleaning jobs but ofcourse during lockdown. No work. We pay some of her rent each week otherwise they would be homeless. We tell her we want it back as and when she can. We don’t pressurise her. We were in lockdown for 10 weeks out of the area and I told her to take the money round each week while we were away. So it didn’t mount up. Of course she didn’t . She now owes us over £1,000. But we won’t get it. If we don’t pay this part of the rent they will be homeless. Just don’t know what to do. We can’t keep paying out. Our 2 sons have good jobs, lovely houses and never asked for anything. It’s not fair on them. What advice if any can you give. I suspect you will say let her stand in her own two feet. It’s so hard.

Wibby Thu 04-Jun-20 11:59:37

We all try and help our kids out when we can, I loan my kids money only when they are really desperate or it becomes a habit. but I always make them pay me it back by paying back so much a month straight into my bank account. I keep a notebook woth money lent and payed back. I rather they come to me than pay interest at the bank.
You need to make arrangements with your daughter for her to start paying it back to you. Be firm and tell her you wont lend her anymore until she pays back what she owes.

One of my kids emailed me telling me she was having money difficulties and would I lend her some money, so I told her to bring all her bills etc round and I will help her go through it all and see how I could help. She regused to come round so I refusec to lend her any money. Which makes me ask, are you sure she owes rent have you seen her rent book?

crazyH Thu 04-Jun-20 12:01:55

I have 3 children, who luckily, at this stage in their working life, do not need my help. When they had just started working, I probably had the odd call or two, for a bit of help, but they always paid it back. I am divorced, but strangely enough, they always turned to me and not to their more well-off father. I was pleased that they could rely me (or take me for a mug 😂)
I'm sure I'll be told off for saying this........our money will be going to our children anyway, and so, why not help them out while we're living and when they need it. Surely, you don't want to see your daughter homeless.
Whatever you decide, I hope things improve for your daughter. Good luck !!!

3nanny6 Thu 04-Jun-20 12:03:18

Hello what a lovely caring mother you sound. I have read your post and know that at the bottom of this you are paying her rent because she has your four grand-children and you do not want her to be homeless.
I know there is so much more to this but the main thing you are doing is handing over your money and really I think you know it will not be repaid and that is not easy on your part.
I offer you some sympathy as my daughter is also irresponsible and she has 3 children. My support to her is buying food shopping as she is always saying she has run out of money although I know she is probably getting more money than I get.
As from last weekend I have made up my mind to make myself less available and to say I am short of money when I get asked to buy her shopping and let her fend for herself.
I have done the shopping for ages and now she expects it from me so this will be hard but I can no longer keep doing it so I would suggest the same to you tell her you can no longer pay out money to her and let her stand on her own two feet. As mothers we cannot be there forever for them and sometimes they need a wake up call. Good Luck.

Hithere Thu 04-Jun-20 13:25:16

Stop enabling her.

Stop paying for her rent.

Stop giving her money. You know y pi u won't get it back.

She wont adult because you are here to rescue her from her bad decisions.

Hithere Thu 04-Jun-20 13:29:55

You know she won't get it back - apologies for autocorrect.

sodapop Thu 04-Jun-20 14:22:45

Spot on Hithere I agree entirely but I can also understand how hard that will be for the OP. If it was just her daughter involved I would have no qualms but there are four children to consider.
I think you should talk to your daughter Gingster and tell her you cannot continue to subsidise her like this. Start by reducing the amount of money you give her and agree a date when you will withdraw most of your financial support. It's not easy but you need to be careful of your own finances as well.

Gingster Thu 04-Jun-20 14:55:45

Thankyou for all your response. It’s so good to unload worries in this site. It’s gone on for so long and you are quite right 3nanny 6 they get to expect it. Every now and then I blow up and tell her this will not be continuing. It causes arguments between me and DH. And you are quite right Hithere , we have been enabling this behaviour . Trouble is every time I bring the matter up, we have a big argument and don’t speak for a week. Then I feel bad and I don’t want her getting depressed. It’s so hard being a mum 😢

Oopsadaisy3 Thu 04-Jun-20 15:28:43

Ginster I’m sure by now you know what the answer to your question will be.

Tell your daughter that she will have to go on benefits.

Instead of giving her money , If you can’t stand by and do nothing then why not buy odd bits for the kiddies? things that they actually have to have , shoes or clothes, school books etc.
Or buy odds and ends of food shopping for her, Even a small amount of groceries is better than handing over cash.

Grannyjay Thu 04-Jun-20 15:31:15

I think it would be a good idea as suggested via another post to sit down with your daughter and look at all her outgoings and the income she has coming in. She is an adult and if she has any respect for you or herself she would want to be able to manage her money. She may already have some debts that don’t put her on a good footing before she starts when she receives her money. I know this happened when those changing to universal credit were crying out that they couldn’t manage but it turned out they had debts to pay off leading them to not have enough to live on. If this is the case they could go to the CAB regarding debts. We have all had to tighten our purse strings when we had family at home and I know I just did without many things to just be able to eat and keep a roof over our heads. Showing her that you want to help her be independent and manage her money is a much better way than just bailing her out as this will continue for ever.

Davidhs Thu 04-Jun-20 16:15:42

Gingster
You suspect right, you will go on subsidizing her - for as long as you can, when you can’t she will have to go to social services for help. You are looking for a way out of the paying, she is 41 and is not going to change, nor is her man, unless he leaves, although it sounds as if it would be no loss.

Carry on loving all of the children and don’t worry about her, if you can’t afford to help don’t.

Missfoodlove Thu 04-Jun-20 16:28:30

The have a friend with a “ needy” daughter, like yourself there are two other diligent male siblings.
My friend has a spread sheet a the money the daughter is given to help with food, rent etc is logged.
The money will come off her share of inheritance

MissAdventure Thu 04-Jun-20 16:30:31

Maybe cut down on the amount you help, bit by bit.
Tell her you'll be doing so, and why.

Toadinthehole Thu 04-Jun-20 16:40:35

We don’t lend our children money.....we just give it. They’ve all worked hard and have been responsible, so if ever they’ve needed help, and it’s not often, we oblige. We feel we’ve been very privileged throughout our lives though, and can afford to do it. If we thought they were irresponsible, like your daughter, I’m sure we’d still want to help, but it may be more begrudgingly. Has she not had any help from the government at all, regarding her lost earnings? She surely would qualify. I think if you lend money to people who are struggling financially, you should expect not to get it back. You definitely should sit down with her and work out a plan and then stick to it, much like any other money lender would.

dontmindstayinghome Thu 04-Jun-20 16:54:06

We are in the same situation with our daughter (except that she only has one child).
She is well and truly caught in the poverty trap - very little money but no decent paid work available locally.

We pay her mortgage as she receives no assistance towards her housing costs. She can't sell and move into a rental home as the rent would not be paid as she would have voluntarily made herself homeless - its catch 22.

The benefit she receives to keep her and my grandaughter is nowhere near enough, it certainly isn't enough for clothing or shoes for a growing child - so we buy most of that too.

Until her daughter was born she worked full time and, although money was tight, managed really well, she never had any debts.

We buy some of her food but never give her cash any more - it was never enough and was rarely used for the original purpose!

Its extremely frustrating and I can't see any end to it. No way would I see her or my Grandaughter homeless - and I couldn't put up with her living with us!

I suffer endless guilt because my son is struggling too (due to ilness) and we can't help him to the same extent.

Sorry OP I can't offer any solutions just the small comfort that you are not on your own!

I wouldn't dream of asking to go through her bills with her as one previous poster suggested - what an insult!

MissAdventure Thu 04-Jun-20 17:15:46

It's just a different form of help, not an insult.
Throwing money at a problem isn't always the best help to give.

EllanVannin Thu 04-Jun-20 17:41:34

CrazyH which is exactly what I did after I sold the house. I helped both D's, one in Oz, the other here. I didn't see the point in " hanging on to the money ", say I lived to 100 and they were struggling ?
Better the money now instead of them waiting until you snuff it or you'll be thinking it's all they're waiting for.grin

Gingster, if you're in no hurry for your money back it's best not to say anything if your D's struggling and has got children as there's obviously no chance of you getting it back for a while yet. I wouldn't refuse her help either----but that's me, these are tough times and if you've got money to spare then go ahead and help her as at least you'll feel better knowing the family are fed or the rent's paid.

I don't see the point in hording money in the bank when you could help the family in these times. You can't see them homeless, they really can't help it.

The interest rate is rubbish anyway it might as well be stuffed inside the mattress.

Hithere Thu 04-Jun-20 17:56:33

It is very hard to be a mom
My job is to prepare my kids to be independent.

What would your dd do if you were not able to give her money?
What happens when you pass away and are not here to rescue her?

It is amazing what people do to survive when they truly have to face reality.

ValerieF Thu 04-Jun-20 18:53:25

Gingster what I would do is wipe off what she owes you up to now because if you can afford to give it you won't miss it?

What I would do is sit her down and tell her...no more! She has to start taking responsibility for herself and her children. Give her enough warning so she can digest this and implement it. Of course, she will get angry at you, start accusing you of not caring etc but gently remind her, she is an adult with her own responsibilites.

Obviously you don't want your grandchildren to suffer in any way but hopefully you know your daughter enough to know she will put them first? If you aren't sure then I think you really need to consider your next option which is either to take your gc on board or to report her? Not something anybody would do lightly but it does depend on how much you think your daughter is just using you or if you really think your grandchildren are in any sort of danger?

Gingster Thu 04-Jun-20 20:05:43

I would never let my GCgo without in any way. My daughter is a great mum and she does her best but makes such silly choices and doesn’t think things through. The children are intelligent, loving and thriving so I have no worries there. I would give her all my money if necessary but DH begrudges helping her out all the time. Thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate it

Grannyjay Thu 04-Jun-20 20:52:36

Maybe your husband feels you helping your daughter constantly is not helping her manage by herself and then gets stuck into a cycle of dependency. Women who are in a situation like that with children make rash choices and that usually includes men who are unreliable and unsupportive. She will continue looking for reassurance from unsuitable partners because she has no self esteem and confidence in herself. The biggest gift you can give her is confidence in managing herself and not reliance on you. That is love.

Gingster Fri 05-Jun-20 08:54:33

Very true Grannyjay. I agree with all you say. If only I could go back and start again.. 😢

Taliya Fri 05-Jun-20 09:00:30

If your sons have done well in life then that's great and you helping your daughter out to stop her and your grand children becoming homeless is not affecting them adversely is it. Yes, she sounds like she has been irresponsible having 4 children with different fathers but maybe she was just very unlucky in relationships? Are the fathers of the children paying any maintenance?. You don't say whether your daughter is in social housing or private rented? If she is in Private rented then no wonder you have to help with the rent as private rented flats or houses are extremely expensive and benefits don't cover the full costs of rents in the private sector. You should advise her to go on the council house waiting list. She has children so she will be a priority. If she become homeless then your daughter and your grand children would most likely end up in one room in a hostel or bnb severely affecting the mental and physical health of your daughter and grandchildren. If your daughter is already in social housing then benefits should cover her rent and you may have to sit down with her and go through her finances and budgeting. You are being a terrific mum helping your daughter out.😊

monk08 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:01:26

Do the fathers of the children help at all?

H1954 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:02:12

If she has four children by different fathers, are they all paying child maintenance, does she get any allowances or benefit at all? You could be bankrolling her unnecessarily! And I certainly wouldn't be paying for a roof over the head of the current partner, if he's too idle to work I'd show him the door!