Racist friends

It must have been a horrible shock for you! I've always thought Britain a tolerant country with only the odd bigot who was the exception rather than the rule. My black friends and my sons' black friends have never ever said anything different. Having watched the events of last weekend it seems I was completely wrong. I felt as if I'd opened a cupboard in my clean house and found a nest of snakes living there. How is it possible that we had all been living in a country that didn't actually exist?

I am wondering now after all these years the statues are being removed. This is part of our heritage history. Can they not look and see how things have changed for the better over the years. When they see these statues explain to the younger generation how things use to be and the changes that have been made over the years. Yes! some of them did gain from slavery but in this day and age I can't see any slavery at all. We had the cotton mills where children were used in the factories and these were children from all backgrounds. My children were brought us with neighbours on both sides being of different backgrounds but colour never stopped them being friends even to this day.

Marjgran There’s nothing peculiar about my post. There’s a direct correlation to adolescent boys going off the rails and the lack of a father in the household.

If 70% of black boys grow up without a father that can in some way explain why they get in with a bad group/gang and get into trouble. Many older black men have many children with different women. Maybe you don’t agree that father’s should stick around or that those offspring aren’t disadvantaged?

I'd bin them, but that's just me. I ended a 15-year relationship for the same reason, once true colours were shown.

I agree with MisAdventure. Say you don’t agree and then don’t discuss it any further if you want to stay friends. If you don’t want to stay friends, discuss it.

We have good friends that are completely opposite to us in political views and we try to go with the fact that we are all entitled to our opinions and leave it at that.

Racism is however not acceptable to most of us and may make us want to question whether we want to keep them as friends

Many years ago as a young girl in the wilds of Wales I asked my Dad what he would think if I had a black boyfriend (I hadn't actually seen anyone with coloured skin until I was 9, thought it looked beautiful ) his answer was that if I loved him and he was a nice person then that's absolutely no problem. This was the 60's in the back of beyond but my Dad was totally non-judgemental, and once I moved to Whitechapel in the East End of London I was so pleased he had passed that mindset on.

Racism is much more than black versus white. I was very impressed by what Priti Patel said to MP Florence Eshalomi a few days ago when she accused Priti Patel of not understanding racism. I would have liked Miss Patel to remind Florence Eshalomi of why her family , and many other Indian families had to leave their long established homes and businesses in Uganda. All racism is wrong, not just one aspect .

NoddingGanGan, Black Lives Matter is the new civil rights movement.

I doubt that 'Many' of your black friends agree with your perspective. The one person who disagreed was Candace Owens. And she is ONLY using it for personal gain. She is the black Katie Hopkins.

A minority of people have used the protests as an excuse for rioting and looting. A MINORITY. The same thing happened in the 1960s with Martin Luther King.

It is time for change.

My mother and brother were racist. I could not drop them! My sister spoke up and tried to change their views. By doing that she educated me. We spoke up together and didn't make a bit of difference. I walked away and told them why if they made racist comments in public or private. The same with friends. One friend in particular, a kind and delightful person otherwise and mixed well with all people, BUT, she would come out with racist comments in private and public. I would tell her she was being racist and would get herself arrested one day, and to think before she spoke. The friendship survived, but I didn't manage to change her views. They were entrenched.

There are possibly things you do / agree with that they abhor. Perhaps you agree to differ and agree not to discuss these matters at all

Tickingbird what a peculiar post. Why do you think the communities have these problems? Intergenerational ones? The legacy of racism!

It depends what you call racist. I have no time for BLM because I think, as an organisation, it is corrupt. I do not believe this orchestrated rioting is purely because of a black criminal dying at the hands of a corrupt white policeman 4000 miles away. The condemnation of that action was universal and rightly so and he's going to get what's coming to him. Many of my black friends agree with me. So I cannot agree that condemnation of the riots and the added danger they put us in automatically makes someone racist.

I'm with everyone who says you should let them know their racist opinions are not only unacceptable but mean you no longer wish to maintain a friendship with them.
Political opinions can and do differ because not every party is always 100% right or wrong. Being racist is never, ever to be condoned or accepted.
Drop them!

Are you friends actually racist, in which case how have you only just realised this, or are they anti all the BLM protests that have probably put our fight against Corona back several weeks or even months? What happened to George Floyd was truly appalling. But I find his virtual beatification worrying. He was no Martin Luther King. I would like to see posters saying " our lives matter too" outside every hospital. I worry that the protests will lead to a second peak and put the lives of the medical staff ( especially the many black ones because we know they are at more risk of catching it) in danger. If your friends are truly racist, I am surprised that they are friends at all.

When we die no one knows what colour you were.People are more than just skin colour.You often find people who think white skin is superior are the ones with the lowest intelligence.And why when we go on holiday do people rush to tan their skin.

Why are black youngsters so much more likely to stopped and searched than same age white kids? Why is there such inequality of chances of employment, at every level for BAME people?

Why do 70% of black kids live in homes without a father? Some of the problems come from within their own community. Yes there’s racism but there are also community problems that need to be addressed. A black, former gang member now youth worker, spoke on Sky TV a few months ago about this problem. Many of these young gang members join these gangs for some kind of family. He spoke of how 12-13 yr old lads are out on the streets in the early hours of the morning. The problems aren’t all down to racism.

I hope that this is the beginning of a real and lasting challenges to our attitudes and the assumptions we make about our history and our ‘heroes‘. But I ‘m afraid that this may just be a passing moment of high drama and a nine days wonder, only scratching the surface of the structural inequalities that affect everything. Perhaps we should begin by questioning ourselves when we shop in Primark for cheap clothes made in conditions if almost slavery in Bangladesh, or buy salad picked in polytunnels in southern Spain by workers brought over from North Africa sweating in polytunnels for a pittance?

My 50 year close friendship with a school friend has certainly changed after she told me she was very racist when encountering panic buying at the beginning of lockdown. It’s her birthday soon, and she won’t be getting the usual Special Friend birthday card unfortunately. Sad, and so upset me as she’s previously been generous in supporting our voluntary work with a refugee charity.

I think the current politico-economic situation has caused a polarisation of views and massive dissatisfaction.
I have close long-standing friends whose hitherto unvoiced views on poverty, racism etc are really extreme and opposite to mine (ours!)
I find the thought meeting up with them again really difficult although we have no longer discussed these important matters since before lockdown. It means for me our friendship has become shallow and rather a sham. Whilst not arguing over their views - as someone else has pointed out they’ll never change - I am trying to cope with this disappointment by avoiding them totally.

How dare they assume they know your position, if you had not spoken about it? They sent you rubbish because they thought you are "in their club" - well, you aren't, so you could either ignore them / answer them / not engage with them. All in all, it boils down to this: they expect you to gang up with them, against your family members, and that is not cricket. Your call.

Quite a few of you seem to think that if a friend is racist, they’re not going to change so you should drop them. What about spending a little time educating them with your own views. Seeing things from a different perspective mightwork. I was brought up by VERY racist parents. My mum for instance was thinking of adopting then realised “but what if I get a black child, imagine it’s black head on my lovely white cotton sheets”. She decided not to adopt. So when I was about 16 I watched a programme that showed me that we’re all the same, we’re all human beings with red blood running through our veins etc. This was such an eye opener to me and actually changed my views overnight. I’m so proud that my own children accept everyone for who they are. People can change with a bit of education.

Sorry, GagaJo. Racists aren't anyone's friends. They know your family? Cut them out of your life.

It would depend what they said. If it’s something hateful then I don’t think I could stay friends, though I’d tell them why. If it’s purely ignorance or an ‘old fashioned’ attitude then I’d try to discuss it and perhaps change their minds.

"Racist friends" is surely an oxymoron. I'd keep them out of my life.

Just remember what I was told by a black friend long ago - it's not the colour, it's the state of mind!!