Racist friends

To those who instantly hoist up virtue flag, if you're not going to 'be friends' with anyone who doesn't share your identical views, you're pretty soon going to be friendless! How about a bit of active listening and tolerance? Are you SURE they are racist, or did you just stop listening/reading when you saw a 'trigger' word? How about some mature debate? If you keep the temperature down, you might be able to change their minds. This situation reminds me of the Paul Whitehouse sketch of the 2 gay Amsterdam cops: "Here in Amsterdam we are very tolerant. The only thing we cannot tolerate is intolerance, which is very severely punished!"

Reminds me of a song from my youth “ what we need is a great big melting pot”. I ended my last relationship, and one of the reasons was his racism, and he was an alleged professional man. He started making vile comments in front of my grandchildren, and I could not tolerate their little minds being filled with such hate. I personally judge people on how they are as people, not race, religion etc We do mostly accept our friends “warts and all” but if you speak to them and voice how you feel, only you can then decide if you can accept them in your life. Many years ago my son told me about a new friend at infants school. He couldn’t recall his name (it was very unusual) so he called him the “curly boy” .... his colour didn’t even enter the equation, only his curly hair did.

My mother was Irish and when she and her husband tried to rent they came across signs saying "no Blacks or Irish". She was a nurse by the way and was determined to come top of her class to prove the stereotypes wrong. Being Catholic and marrying a Protestant, her family cut her off for 10 years until I was born and then they relented.

She was not a racist but sadly my father was… a lot of his expressions ie "jungle bunnies" were the norm in my family until my mother stood up to him and said he was a bad influence on the children! He loved "Till Death Us do Part" and never saw the irony of it.

He would never have spoken to me again if I had dated a black man.. And yet, in other ways he was very kind.

As an adult I called him out many times on this. My eyes were opened to different cultures when I taught music in the 80s and my pupils' parents were from all over the world.. I learnt a lot about culture and cooking!

One of my cousins is racist and I find it difficult to talk to him. So, sadly we speak less and less often as I stand up to him when he kicks off!

Oh, dear. Take it with a "pinch if salt" is the saying if they are long standing friends.It's a terrible world we are living in right now. At school i had a Chinese friend who I would have round for tea such a lovely person and her family were so genuinely nice too. Over the years where we have lived being married we have made friends, whatever the colour of their skins has never bothered me. It's the person's personality that keeps your fruendship going. The whole world is divided right now and they are voting on whether to take down monuments. It's getting all a bit out of hand to be honest now. .

dragonfly46

Racism does not just include the colour of the skin. We have long standing friends of over 60 years but when Brexit came about we discovered that they are extremely racist.
They voted Brexit to keep the "bloody foreigners out".
I am afraid we have not had contact with them since.
I cannot tolerate people who are in any way racist.

Your friends were xenophobic dragon not racist. Not ideal, but hardly the same.

My husband comes from a slightly racist family... they would draw the line at violence out and Out discrimination... but inter marriage and mixed race children would’ve been a no-no for them. But.... my mother gave birth in ‘46 to a mixed race boy ... my dad had been away for 4 years fighting war.... no excuse I know ..... but it happened. My father turned a blind eye named him after himself, and got on with it. They went on to have me and my slightly older brother. It worked out well. But all through my childhood us kids fought ( literally) racism.... my brother was ONLY black face in a school of 500... we fought ...and fought ...and fought ...all of us ,throughout our school life. I cannot abide racism... I do not understand how o e person can prejudge another on their skin colour or accent. Drop these friends like hot coals... they will contaminate ate you.

I am so sorry. Hard to tolerate racist stuff especially if you have a multi ethnic family. I certainly would let them know that their attitudes are upsetting and you strongly object. Racism is not the same as “different political views”. I find friends of different religions / politics challenging but I may still love them. My brother was racist when younger (he thought he was “realistic”) until he became a taxi driver and a champion of minority communities. Some of the replies on here, particularly one rather pompous poster, are extraordinary. As to “all lives matter”, doh, of course, but should we fail to protect the Amazon because all trees matter?

Racism does not just include the colour of the skin. We have long standing friends of over 60 years but when Brexit came about we discovered that they are extremely racist.
They voted Brexit to keep the "bloody foreigners out".
I am afraid we have not had contact with them since.
I cannot tolerate people who are in any way racist.

My mother came from Southern Ireland in 1940 and landed in Liverpool with immigration papers. She said for years she had to suffer "Irish jokes" as in those days the Irish were regarded as inferior and thick as s...… and the only jobs available were nursing or cleaning.

My dear late husband was Indian. My children are therefore half Indian and my grandchildren are a quarter Indian, but they all look white. As time goes on we will all have multi-ethnic families. The most openly racist person I know was a woman from the Philippines, who went to my church, and who refused to shake my daughter's hand on being introduced by me, and therefore I never spoke to her again. Some of my husband's family were so racist that they even wanted to disown other Indians who happened to be darker than the average. Its not just white people who are racist.

I can’t believe that some people think they are superior to other human beings because of their colour.

Venus

People who are racist are usually bigoted in other ways. It is extremely unlikely that they will see your point of view, so you either accept that's how they are, or move on.

Venus....you don’t post often, but when you do, it’s always to the point.?
I agree with your comment completely.

Have never had friends who are racists but for the OP problem, I would say that if you value their friendship, let this blow over, and see how they are going forward, then you can make a more informed judgement.We are living through very strange times and a lot of people are getting very disturbed or angry because of it.

Ladyleftfieldlover

Sorry, but how on earth can you remain friends with people who do not share your political leanings or views on race? Surely these two aspects of their personalilties are too important for you to gloss over?

I agree with it being impossible to be friends with people who are racist.

But to only have friends who share the same political views?

That's very narrow minded.

I have friends of all political persuasions.

One couple, 32 years married, are left and right

They have some animated conversations but remain blissfully wed

To just mix with those who have the same opinions as yourself is narrow minded and limiting.

I really don't understand why people that you have known for a long time would even dream of including you in such comments and posts if they know your family!
The thing is, do you think that you will ever think of them in the same way as you have for years? It certainly would make me wonder if they really see you the same way as you see them. The fact that they sent you and involved you in such stuff make me doubt it. Better off without them!

I grew up in London in the 1950's and racism was rife, have we really made no progress since then. The only things I've been sent online from friends are their worries over thousands of people gathering at a time when they have been asked not to and how it will affect us oldies getting out of lockdown.

I would immediately drop friends or acquaintances who were or expressed racist views. Don't stand by and do nothing or things will never change. Black lives do matter. We all need to make a difference.

I was accused of being racist because I posted that I was concerned about the virus spreading during these protests. I also posted about the policewoman being thrown from her horse when a protester threw something at it. I have friends and family who come from very diverse origins. The accusation really upset me. As I said to this person...do not judge a person by what they do or don't post on Facebook.

EllanVannin, suprised your post did not also say you had friends with Jews and the like. Wow!!you even had a friend who was black!!! Yes, agree with previous poster - its sums it up.

It is not a matter of being friends with, eating with, having as work colleagues, etc. etc. It is about total and complete equality.

Why are black youngsters so much more likely to stopped and searched than same age white kids? Why is there such inequality of chances of employment, at every level for BAME people?

Sounds so nice and pleasant, 'just stop seeing colour and see the person' - bu t that most definitely does not happen.

The history syllabus in all education needs a total revision, to ensure knowledge is made of the horrors of European Empirical past - and the effect it had not only then....but now!!!

The statues of those people who endorsed and benifitted by slavery (human trafficking), need relocating, immediately, to museums, not glorified. Nightingale Hospitals....why were none named Seacole? Sure you all know about her and what she did!!!

Racism is deeply, very deeply embedded in our society - it needs really rooting out, and, I am afraid, that just saying Oh dear why isn't everyone nice to evryone else....will get us nowhere. And, we probably need to start with some of the national so-called newspapers and their language!!!

It’s all so very sad, BLM - every life matters, we all have just one heart !

If they’re old friends I wonder why the subject has never come up before? I wonder if maybe they are not so much racist as against the violence that erupted in some places and the lack of social distancing??

Racism is still rife in the UK sadly. Stand up for what you believe in and if you believe the statements they make are racist then challenge them. It's the only way for change to happen. You can still be friends with them because people can be complicated and can have other good points about them. I'm white and grew up in the 1970s and my parents had racist views and I used to challenge them about it....I think overt racism has reduced but the undercurrent of British society is still racist sadly.

Don't cut them out- talk to them & educate them!
Some people of a certain age have grown up with the idea that it is OK to be racist.
Now is the time to to make them see that their ideas are wrong & totally outdated- it is not the 50s when I remember my Mum being too scared to get in a bus with a black conductor is case she 'caught something'.
She did not get over her beliefs until she had to work in an office with a lovely black lady & from then on she never looked back.
I am so glad I grew up in an area close to where there was a large black population so I grew up just knowing it was normal & the colour of your skin made no difference.

EllanVannin

Why doesn't everyone SEE the person and NOT their colour ?
Why the awareness that some people are a different colour ? So what ? We all know that just by looking so why not just get on with your lives and accept the differing nationalities ?

Blimey, there are worse things happening on this planet than " racist or anti-racist " arguments. You really do badly need something to be bothered/ worried about.

If you had enough going on in your lives, the subject wouldn't enter your head. Speak as you find ( and I get along with anyone of any colour but I don't make a meal of it ) and neither does anyone else in my family/ friendships.

Since 1955 I've worked alongside every nationality you can name in the nursing profession and even had a friend, Cecelia who was West African, but I saw her as a PERSON and not a black girl. There wasn't even a hint of racism in those days as everyone was welcomed into the profession.

Right now we have this ugly auto-suggestive society hell bent on causing trouble.
I can tell you now that there's none better than an educated black person. I've met them and they're a pleasure to be with and certainly not ignorant in any way. Chinese, Japanese the same, a delight.

Maybe further education is needed to teach whites how to behave.! And I'm not running for cover ! I mean it.

You say you"even had a friend who was black" .... wow! that says it all really!!

Ultimately you will make your own decision but personally I would explain to them that you find their attitudes unacceptable and for that reason you won’t be seeing them again. The husband of a couple we were very close to, had had a bit to drink and announced that in his opinion the reason our newly born , very premature grandson was so poorly, was because he was mixed race and that this was against nature. I was appalled, horrified, disgusted, you name it. Anyway, rather than saying anything we just didn’t see them again and here I am, 7 years later, still angry that I didn’t challenge his comments. I would still have taken the same decision but I regret not letting him know my feelings. Good luck with your issue, you will know what to do.

I could only have my one daughter and, so she would grow up knowing how to share, we used to take children from 'broken homes/homes with a seriously ill parent etc' on holiday with us. One of these was a delightful little girl called Mary. She taught me how to manage her curly hair and loved our daughter. The sad part was when we were out and about seeing and hearing the racist remarks. The worst were comments as to why I had 2children of different races. At the time I was too young and inexperienced to answer back but if it had happened today, many years later, I think I would have been able to answer back. Mary's love for us was no different from our own daughter's love, she even asked to call me Mummy.
Perhaps the world will be a better place when everyone is the same colour!