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Husband is acting nasty to me after my Dads recent Death

(13 Posts)
JuliaM Fri 12-Jun-20 18:27:47

My Dad passed away quite suddenly a fortnight ago aged 91years, from a heart problem. I am the only child, and everything regarding funeral arangements and the legal side of things has fallen to my responsibility. I am Disabled myself, with very poor mobility, but my husband has always been very active and helped with my care.
Since Dad died though, his attitude has become quite vicious, he refuses to the simple things like bringing me a hot drink when he has one, and refuses to even make me a sandwich or carry anything through from the kitchen for me. I used to sit and cook simple meals for the pair of us, but hes even complained about having to wash the pans and utensils after that, and refuses to use the dishwasher for anything else other than Cutlery and Crockery.
Hes now taken to name calling, tells me that there is nothing femanine about me any more because my body is badly swollen with odema, and I suffer from pressure sores, which he has now refused to apply the cremes twice a day as prescribed to my legs and feet. He also is now refusing to drive me to any appointments, or even to post some important documents through the solicitors door down the road. His Sister passed away in January, and now he is refusing to return to the local village where she lived and he grew up, a place he once loved.
Im now wondering if this is part of his grief or if hes starting with Dementia himself, hes 79, and has always been a bit of a loner, but I have never seen him so nasty and unkind before, and we have been married for 35years. I suggested I talk to his Doctor and get him.some help, as I.know he will not do anything about it himself, but he just screamed a mouth full of abuse at me, before going outside to shut himself in our caravan on the drive, where he remains, leaving me to struggle with my care needs and feeling deeply upset.
Im now considering contacting the Social services adult care team, but I fear that he would just shut the door in there face when they arrive. My Daughter helps m a couple of times a week as a vunerable person this is allowed, she is my main carer and helps with all the laundry and cleaning needs, but even she has had enough of his behaviour now, and says that things cannot continue as they are. Sorry about the long post, but today I have just about had as much as I can take of him.

ladymuck Fri 12-Jun-20 18:32:31

Is it possible that his behaviour has nothing to do with your fathers death, but possibly the start of mental decline. Perhaps you have been too pre-occupied to notice the first signs and are only noticing it now.

Esspee Fri 12-Jun-20 18:39:11

💐 You should not have to put up with this abuse.
I suggest you get your daughter to help with either locking him out or finding you alternative accommodation.

You have my sympathy.

Blinko Fri 12-Jun-20 18:41:08

It does sound like the start of some kind of mental and/or emotional decline in your husband. Maybe you could discuss with your daughter and speak with his GP? You need help to deal with this behaviour.

JuliaM Fri 12-Jun-20 18:51:51

I am wondering if hes afraid of his own demise, and fears only having 11 years left until hes the same age as my Dad was, or 8 years in his siters case.
Hes his own worst enemy when it comes to sorting out medical problems of his own. He is ready for wax removal treatment to improve his hearing, something he normally has every few months, but is now overdue due to the Covid situation. Hes also started with a Cataract in one eye, which he had an appointment to get it removed, but again it was cancelled a few days before due to the virus.
Indeed I would like him to be assesed by the Memory clinic, but again he would probably refuse to attend. Im also unsure if he will attend Dads funeral next week, like he did with his sister, and even his own father many years ago. The whole situation is a nightmare at the moment.

EllanVannin Fri 12-Jun-20 20:32:24

Sometimes it's scary facing your own mortality, you don't know what's going on in his mind with deaths around him. Have a talk to him and be blunt about it.
The situation's enough to get anyone down.

tidyskatemum Fri 12-Jun-20 20:57:30

Your DD really needs to get involved. Someone needs to get a grip with your DH, whether it’s due to the onset of dementia or just plain nastiness. Either you or she call the GP and Social Services, though neither seem to be doing anything face to face at the moment.. I had to bully my Dad Into accepting help when he refused it, though he obviously needed it and it made both his and Mum’s lives better.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jun-20 21:12:21

Action on Elder Abuse helpline
Telephone: 0808 808 8141

Ask your daughter to phone for you, perhaps?
What your husband is doing is abusive, whatever the cause, and it needs sorting out sooner rather than later.

JuliaM Fri 12-Jun-20 21:13:39

Thankyou for all your helpful comments, I have had a long chat on the phone tonight with our Daughter whilst he was out in the caravan, she has agreed to mention her concerns toour GP when she visits next week as we are all based at the same practice. My husband is due for a 'Well Man' check.up anyway, after having his annual blood test taken last week, so a fine oputunity for the GP to aproach the subject.
Apparently he also snapped at our Daughter and Grandson earlier tonight when he went to collect some signitures needed by the solicitor next in Dealing with my late Dads affairs.
I am dreading the Funeral next week incase he refuses to go, only he is insured to drive our car with my Wheelchair hoist fitted, which I need to enable me to access the Grave yard, so without it I wont be able to go either.

sodapop Fri 12-Jun-20 21:17:23

I think you need to get help for yourself before anything else JuliaM and when this is organised talk to your Dr or SW about the problems with your husband.
Whatever the cause of your husband's problems you need to look after yourself. Take care.

Esspee Fri 12-Jun-20 21:18:33

Julia, check if any friends or family would be willing to drive you in your car on their insurance.
Also taxi companies may have suitable vehicles.

BlueBelle Fri 12-Jun-20 21:34:04

Taxis will take wheelchairs, most firms will have one or two cabs fitted for wheelchair users He could be having mental health problems or it could just be that he’s not handling deaths very well
You say he didn’t attend his own fathers funeral many years ago nor his sisters so this isn’t new behaviour just got worse
He’s refusing to go to the village he loves since his sister passed away in January it sounds as if he’s in a very unhappy place and this has made him backbite about everything
I d talk to your GP Especially if your not getting the help you require perhaps they could arranged some carers for you

jeanie99 Tue 16-Jun-20 04:01:26

You need to take immediate action for yourself with your caring needs. Pressure spots could turn into something quite nasty and the last thing you need right now is that. You need to give the GP a call or social services.
Ask your daughter if she can help with finding out voluntary organization who could help in this situation with other needs you may have..
Regarding you husband, previous to this was he a caring individual?
Your husband could be suffering from depression or some other mental illness. I would ask your daughter to try and get help via his GP for this. It may be better if it was your daughter, you are not involved and are not open to repercussions.
I hope everything works out for you.
During the Coronvirus I have been heartened to speak to ordinary people who have put themselves our to help their fellow man.