Worried about single daughter/s

My DD1 was in a similar position. Things accidentally went wrong with the true love of her life and it took her years to even start to recover. All her friends were married with children. DD was fed up of being a bridesmaid and godmother. At a very weak moment she was introduced to a friends BiL. A sweet, kind, gentle man, but totally wrong for her. Two years later she married him, desperate to settle down and have children. It turns out that his sperm count is virtually zero and IVF has failed. She is now so unhappy . He knows this and is so sad. She will never leave him as she knows it would break his heart and she couldn't bare to do that. Don't let your daughters rush in to any relationship out of panic. They will be better off alone than with the wrong person.,

I have five sons aged 28 -40. Only one of them is in a relationship - he was married at 25, has two beautiful daughters but he left the marriage and is in a new relationship. Two of the others have been in relationships in the past but all four are currently single.
As for myself, I ended my last relationship 12 years ago at the age of 44 and at first felt compelled to find someone new. But as each date led to disappointment I realised that I didn’t actually want a relationship! Since then I have been happily single, discovered who I really am, realised that I am on the Autistic Spectrum and had spent my whole life trying to be acceptable to society, as well as husbands/partners. I love my life now, I don’t feel embarrassed by my hobbies, or pretend to be sociable. For example my ex husband told me I was boring now, and I replied, ‘Well I don’t care. You don’t have to talk to me.’ I think he found a new respect for me. I’m not saying I would turn someone down if they were perfect for me, but as that is incredibly unlikely I am more than happy to stay as I am!

My DD was just the same. She had one very long relationship (10 years). We tried to be nice to him while all the time knowing it would not last.
She was the same with her careers. She got a good law degree but became a journalist, then turned personal trainer and now works as a software engineer for a large multi-national and loves it.
In the meantime she chucked loser boyfriend out of her flat and within 2 years found her present husband. She married just short of her 40th birthday and they are very happy as are we.
Things seem to take longer these days. Do not despair.

I feel for you, I really do. I find there isn't a lot we as parents can say or do to help.

Sometimes trying to be constructive is wrong and other times being sympathetic is wrong and then there are times when everything/ anything we say is taken as support.

I have 2 DD's eldest settled with 1 DGD.

The youngest is 37 single for a long time. She also has many times when she wishes she could find a partner.

She is a member of a Running Club, work permitting sings in in a couple of Choirs, goes to lots of social events and travels widely. Still no luck.

When I say she travels widely, her Godparents live in the USA and she tries to see them twice a year. She is a Global Quality Manager so lots of business travel - normally. She has even had to travel twice in Lockdown, she wasn't happy but needs must and all that.

She meets lots of people through work and her social life but still after all the time she's been single there's no one. She has tried On-Line dating but that hasn't worked out well and right now she's not doing it.

As for these DD looking at themselves, it never hurts but there are things about ourselves that put other people off that we don't want to change.

I don't know about your DD Pollyj but my DD doesn't want to change her job or her friends but is always looking at ways to "knock the edges off" her words.

There is only so much anyone should have to change before they lose themselves and that would be a move too far.

My DD and some of her friends think it's because they are independent people with homes and money of there own so they would 'Like' a partner rather than 'Need' a partner.

One of DD's friends wanted children so much she had IVF and is successfully and happily a single mum. She owns her house, got all her childcare, and finances sorted such that she works part-time and doesn't get any benefits.

Very brave, I get it, her family are very supportive. She would have liked to be a family with both parents, just like the one she grew up in. However, she said her clock was ticking and at least there wouldn't be any messy Ex if there is a partner in the future.

Having said all that I do feel sad for any singles but thankfully more and more people are finding partners at different times in their lives so we have to keep the faith and stay positive for our children.

Wishing all the single people looking for a partner lots of luck because it seems a certain amount of luck is needed.

My daughter was in a relationship at 21, had a child at 26 but the relationship had already broken down. She raised her son alone and always said she would never marry. At 33 she started chatting to a man on a local website and after several months they arranged to meet, the both had doubts and both nearly didn't turn up but thank god they did. I hadn5seen her so happy for years, within 6 months of being with him she was off her anti-depressants and hasn't needed them since. They have been together 5 yrs, married for 3 and have a 20 month old daughter. He is a wonderful step dad to her 11 yr old son and we couldn't ask for a better son-in-law.
It's never too late and there is nothing wrong with meeting people on line as long as you take your time and take all the right precautions.

My two girls were both in their 30's before meeting their partners.
I thought they never would. 30's now are like 20's in our day and they found most men of that age had no wish to commit and as Marie says, when older they looked for younger women.
I never expected to be a grandmother but now have two (mostly) delightful grandchildren.

I didn't think my daughter would ever meet anybody as her relationships were either "friends with benefits" or short lived. Naturally, even the former relationships soured because deep down, she wanted more. She is a difficult girl to have a relationship and I wondered what would happen to her. She has found someone and they have two children but as far as I can see, happiness alludes her. Now I dread the day it all comes apart because there is no compromise in either of them.

I do feel for you. My DD just has just reached 35 and never for a minute did she (or me) think that she would not be in a relationship, with children, by now.
Single men of 35 and up to 40 can easily date women of 30 and younger. A lot of men she meets are not looking for a serious relationship with someone in their mid thirties. She is pretty, kind and thoughtful. She is such a good friend to a wide circle of people. She has had her own home for ten years and a great job.
I’ve honestly thought of starting an old fashioned marriage bureau as there must be others in the same situation!
I know marriage and babies are not the sole answer to a happy life and tell myself she is better off that someone going through a bitter divorce, but it still saddens me sometimes.
Anyway, chin up! We never know what is around the corner and life can change in an instant!

Life holds no guarantees with love and meeting Mr Right unfortunately. Another frustration is the biological clock when ladies have strong maternal instincts. It’s the reason so many turn to sperm banks these days, or just obliging male friends. I know lots of people are against these avenues, but we only live once I can see why this happens. Lots of natural fathers turn out to be rotten eggs, so life is basically one big gamble. I hope your daughter finds some happiness ....

There do seem to be an awful lot of singles in their 30's, we have a son of 36 and I live in hope of him finding someone.

I agree toots but I also think meeting someone via a dating App is quite acceptable these days. There is no longer a stigma. Meetup is another one for mutual interests.
My own DM was like someone in a Victorian novel if we didn't have a boyfriend for a while!
I hope I wasn't like her with our lot who found their partners in their late 20s and early 30s .

We reckoned our son was a confirmed bachelor, so were pleasantly surprised when he introduced us to the woman (also in her 30s) who became his wife and mother of their child. Never, say never Pollyj

The best thing to do as someone else suggested, is to just get out there...join a club, walking group, evening class, whatever... it will give them a much wider circle of friends with none of the pressure of a first date.. and the time to get to know people's true personalities... then who knows where that will lead.. just don't show any hint of desperation...that's the quickest way to lose a potential partner ... good luck to them..I'm sure they'll be fine.. ?

A year ago my daughter was in exactly the same position feeling lonely and wondering if she would ever find somone. She is 32 and has had couple of past relationships that didn't work out. She had been on her own for five years and had even bought a dog! (which helped her hugely btw). Last summer she met her current partner and their baby was born last Monday. Not that I would necessarily recommend such speed and it wasn't planned but they are both totally besotted with the baby and committed to making it work. The point is that things can change so quickly and unexpectedly so your daughter shouldn't give up hope. I wish her all the best.

I think it's a fairly common problem, maybe more so today, particularly I've heard for women who achieve in their professional lives, as they climb the career ladder possibly they are prone to asking themselves "what can a man bring to my table?" I do think people are generally pairing up later these days and I think that's more common for those women who have devoted time to their careers. Women who remained single were viewed as sad cases in the past hence the terms "spinster" "left on the shelf" that really isn't the case any more, maybe those who haven't found a partner are merely more selective. I still think it's easier for men, even when they come with baggage.

I'm not sure what I'd do these days, I tended to meet my significant others at work, I guess as posters have stated joining clubs and finding a common interest. I'm sure there will be a right man out there for your daughters. A close friend of mine ended a relationship that stared when she was 18 and when her boyfriend had to relocate for work mid twenties and asked her go with him, she decided the relationship had run its course. She had a few unhappy years and hopeless relationships but met her husband around 32 or so and he was certainly her right man so yes there are always happy outcomes and hopefully that will be the case with your girls OP.

A close friend met her last two partners online. The first relationship lasted 9 years and she is now planning her wedding with this one. She's 58 so it can happen at any time, but she did already have children.
It's hard when things don't work out for your own children. I have a son of 32. He hasn't had a relationship since school and is often out of work . Just this week he was told by two different agencies that he could start minimum-wage jobs and both times he was let down. This has happened time after time. Life is hard for young people. At least boys aren't under pressure to meet partners in the way that girls are if they hope to have families of their own. I'm glad I'm not so young anymore...

Quite a lot of friends that I know have daughters that married in their early forties and went on to have children. These days 32 is quite young, I know we hear a lot about fertility declining steeply in the late thirties.... but it certainly isn't always the case.

This was my thought CarlyD7

Life has changed a lot and what we used to expect isn’t the case anymore. I have two girls of my own and three stepdaughters - if you had asked me who would marry/have kids a while back I would have guessed completely wrongly. They all have very different relationships, three with children and the two I might have expected to have children haven’t! They are all happy and healthy and that’s all we can hope for. Love them all.

A lovely neighbour and her sister are both in their 40's and are both single, with no children. Her sister has decided to get some counselling (apparently she broke down and confided in her GP who encouraged her) and tells me that she is piecing together why she hadn't settled down with a partner (she said that it was a whole list of things she was doing / attitudes she had, that wouldn't have occurred to her if she hadn't had the counsellor to help her). Since then, she made some positive changes, had some CBT (to challenge and change some of her attitudes which were limiting her). She has recently met a really lovely man and is using her newfound knowledge to make this relationship different - so far, so good. Sometime we need someone outside our direct circle of family and friends, who has no "agenda" (however kindly meant) for us, to help us to gain insight that we may desperately need. Just in case either of your daughters would consider it.

Thanks everyone. Xx

We all want our children to be happy and it is unfortunate that they are concerned about their circumstances. Please try not to worry - there really is nothing that you can do except hope that they find the right partner or way on life that suits them.

Do not ever mention grandchildren!! - I am sure you would not.

I think you have to relax and love them and accept that they may not marry or have children.
We are no longer, thankfully, in a world which judges every woman by her ability to find and keep a man.
Meanwhile they should have fun and make new friends.

I have friends who are single and hitting the 40 boundary and are worrying about their fertility. One has chosen to have a baby on her own. The others are choosing to accept lives without children and making the most of nephews and nieces.

My daughter got to mid 30s, determined not to have children and then got pregnant accidentally. Doesn't believe in abortion and lo and behold, I have an adored grandson.

Marriage and babies doesn't happen for everyone. And for some of us it does and we find it isn't for us (me!).

All my daughters married in their mid-late 30’s . Only one had set up home with somebody she known since her 20’s -a former flat mate of her older sister in their student days.
I am just profoundly grateful that first of all, they had fulfilling and interesting careers and (most of all) that despite kissing quite a few frogs (whom we tried hard to like when they introduced them,) they each waited for their “prince” and I could not wish for better, nicer, more loving SILS!
The right man is worth waiting for- no girl needs the wrong one!