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Worried about single daughter/s

(63 Posts)
Pollyj Fri 26-Jun-20 11:53:46

Neither of my girls can find a man or lasting relationship, but the younger one at the moment is taking it hard. A whole flock of her friends coupled up from school/uni and settled down while she was in a nine year relationship that failed. ugh she has the odd guy it never lasts, or they treat her badly. She’s 32 and gets upset when another friend has a child. Her flat mate’s relationship broke down and a month later she met the man she is now married to. My daughter feels increasingly desperate the older she gets, and I also feel a sort of panic rising in me. She wants so much to have a regular relationship and a child. It isn’t just me saying it but both are very attractive, smart and funny so I don’t know why!? I want this too, for them and for me. Has anyone else Known this and had a happy outcome where it all suddenly falls into place?

Poppyred Fri 26-Jun-20 12:01:41

She needs to find some new hobbies:

1. To take her mind off it.
2. More chance of meeting someone.

She is probably putting men off by sounding to eager, and would maybe settle for second best if she carries on in this state of mind.

ladymuck Fri 26-Jun-20 12:05:22

The best way to meet someone who is compatible is to join a club... walking, bird-watching, whatever interests you. Be pleasant and friendly but don't look desperate.

quizqueen Fri 26-Jun-20 13:08:38

Your daughters always seem to chose the wrong sort of men so that is something they need to think about. At the first sign of any unsolvable problems e.g. they are heavy drinkers, selfish, violent etc. they need to move on and not waste any more time on them.

At the same time, they need to look at their own personality and behaviours to see why relationships aren't lasting long term. It probably won't always be the men who are at fault; you are just looking at your daughters through rose tinted spectacles!

Also, they will lose their female friendships if they are continually jealous of their lives instead of being pleased they have found happiness...and cut out the desperation for a man and child to create a happy life for them. That is something that comes from within yourself.

sodapop Fri 26-Jun-20 13:15:36

So true quizqueen and the idea of meeting like minded people at clubs and groups is also a good one. Maybe your daughters need to look inward a little Pollyj.

Hithere Fri 26-Jun-20 14:19:47

I met my now dh in my late 30s and we married 2 years later. It all happened very fast. I had our first child before our first wedding anniversary and the second came 2.5 years later in my early 40s.

I can sympathize with your dd. She is only 32! She is young and has plenty of time.

One issue is that you cannot time these events, they happen when they happen.

Your dd needs to be happy being single. She needs to feel good by being on her own, fulfill her own goals in life and be happy with who she is now.

She has no control over finding a partner and a child. Worrying about it will not help.

Desperation will only make things worse as it will scare prospective partners away, attract the wrong kind of men to her and make her take bad decisions - would she pick just any men or the right one?

Is she also idealizing other couples' relationships? Is she only seeing the good vs the reality?

I know it is easier said than done. She needs to count her blessings now and appreciate what she has.

Pollyj Fri 26-Jun-20 15:02:15

I didn’t mean jealous in that way. She is always delighted for them and she has a wide network of friends.

Pollyj Fri 26-Jun-20 15:03:33

Well, they have, a great deal and they nor I can think what it might be, apart from perhaps giving off ‘wary’ vi Es from past bad experiences.

Pollyj Fri 26-Jun-20 15:04:35

Thank you for that positive post. Perhaps the same will happen for her. I hope so.

MiniMoon Fri 26-Jun-20 15:14:53

My sister hadn't met anyone, and she was approaching 30, lived away from home, and had few interests outside work.
She found a Christian dating agency and signed up with them. After one or two dates, she was put in touch with the man who is now her husband, and the father of her 3 sons.
I know it's not easy to find a good man these days, but perhaps a reputable dating agency would be worth a try.

NotSpaghetti Fri 26-Jun-20 16:53:32

Are these the same daughters who (I think) you wrote were struggling in the autumn?
I think you wrote about hair loss and maybe stress and worry?

If so, maybe they need to help themselves first with some counselling? Anyone who is suffering will find all relationships difficult and be more likely to hook up with the "wrong" person. Counselling can help you understand yourself better and accept the person you are. If they learn to love themselves a little, gain confidence and feel stronger - then they will surely find someone to love who will love them back.

If I have got this all wrong, apologies.

welbeck Fri 26-Jun-20 17:29:17

my father's mother had a good job with prospects, working in a flourishing city abroad.
but that was not her long-term goal.
so when she was ready she wrote back home to the local match-maker and an arrangement was made, with an older man who had a little land and a skill beside, he had a small quarry and was a master mason.
so she sailed back and married him. had many children, without which i would not be writing this.
it was a hard life, and they had little in common, except shared values and absolute loyalty. he was hard, silent type. she was soft and loving.
so there are many ways to fulfil goals.

V3ra Fri 26-Jun-20 17:31:50

If all else fails I have two single sons (35 & 37).
Both seem happy with their lives and hobbies!
They dote on their three year old niece.

Please don't take offence, I'm not trying to minimise your concerns especially as your daughter minds for herself.

Sometimes I wonder if my sons will ever settle down, but it's out of my hands.
I also wonder, given their ages, if they'll bring a partner with children into the family. Again it's out of my hands.
It's hard when their lives don't follow the "expected" pattern.
I try not to overthink it.

MawB Fri 26-Jun-20 17:39:04

All my daughters married in their mid-late 30’s . Only one had set up home with somebody she known since her 20’s -a former flat mate of her older sister in their student days.
I am just profoundly grateful that first of all, they had fulfilling and interesting careers and (most of all) that despite kissing quite a few frogs (whom we tried hard to like when they introduced them,) they each waited for their “prince” and I could not wish for better, nicer, more loving SILS!
The right man is worth waiting for- no girl needs the wrong one!

GagaJo Fri 26-Jun-20 17:53:44

I have friends who are single and hitting the 40 boundary and are worrying about their fertility. One has chosen to have a baby on her own. The others are choosing to accept lives without children and making the most of nephews and nieces.

My daughter got to mid 30s, determined not to have children and then got pregnant accidentally. Doesn't believe in abortion and lo and behold, I have an adored grandson.

Marriage and babies doesn't happen for everyone. And for some of us it does and we find it isn't for us (me!).

Grammaretto Fri 26-Jun-20 18:06:17

I think you have to relax and love them and accept that they may not marry or have children.
We are no longer, thankfully, in a world which judges every woman by her ability to find and keep a man.
Meanwhile they should have fun and make new friends.

Luckygirl Fri 26-Jun-20 18:27:11

We all want our children to be happy and it is unfortunate that they are concerned about their circumstances. Please try not to worry - there really is nothing that you can do except hope that they find the right partner or way on life that suits them.

Do not ever mention grandchildren!! - I am sure you would not.

Pollyj Fri 26-Jun-20 21:07:58

Thanks everyone. Xx

CarlyD7 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:03:34

A lovely neighbour and her sister are both in their 40's and are both single, with no children. Her sister has decided to get some counselling (apparently she broke down and confided in her GP who encouraged her) and tells me that she is piecing together why she hadn't settled down with a partner (she said that it was a whole list of things she was doing / attitudes she had, that wouldn't have occurred to her if she hadn't had the counsellor to help her). Since then, she made some positive changes, had some CBT (to challenge and change some of her attitudes which were limiting her). She has recently met a really lovely man and is using her newfound knowledge to make this relationship different - so far, so good. Sometime we need someone outside our direct circle of family and friends, who has no "agenda" (however kindly meant) for us, to help us to gain insight that we may desperately need. Just in case either of your daughters would consider it.

NanaPlenty Sat 27-Jun-20 10:20:46

Life has changed a lot and what we used to expect isn’t the case anymore. I have two girls of my own and three stepdaughters - if you had asked me who would marry/have kids a while back I would have guessed completely wrongly. They all have very different relationships, three with children and the two I might have expected to have children haven’t! They are all happy and healthy and that’s all we can hope for. Love them all.

NotSpaghetti Sat 27-Jun-20 10:23:39

This was my thought CarlyD7

Bamm Sat 27-Jun-20 10:39:49

Quite a lot of friends that I know have daughters that married in their early forties and went on to have children. These days 32 is quite young, I know we hear a lot about fertility declining steeply in the late thirties.... but it certainly isn't always the case.

annecordelia Sat 27-Jun-20 10:53:11

A close friend met her last two partners online. The first relationship lasted 9 years and she is now planning her wedding with this one. She's 58 so it can happen at any time, but she did already have children.
It's hard when things don't work out for your own children. I have a son of 32. He hasn't had a relationship since school and is often out of work . Just this week he was told by two different agencies that he could start minimum-wage jobs and both times he was let down. This has happened time after time. Life is hard for young people. At least boys aren't under pressure to meet partners in the way that girls are if they hope to have families of their own. I'm glad I'm not so young anymore...

TerriBull Sat 27-Jun-20 11:00:36

I think it's a fairly common problem, maybe more so today, particularly I've heard for women who achieve in their professional lives, as they climb the career ladder possibly they are prone to asking themselves "what can a man bring to my table?" I do think people are generally pairing up later these days and I think that's more common for those women who have devoted time to their careers. Women who remained single were viewed as sad cases in the past hence the terms "spinster" "left on the shelf" that really isn't the case any more, maybe those who haven't found a partner are merely more selective. I still think it's easier for men, even when they come with baggage.

I'm not sure what I'd do these days, I tended to meet my significant others at work, I guess as posters have stated joining clubs and finding a common interest. I'm sure there will be a right man out there for your daughters. A close friend of mine ended a relationship that stared when she was 18 and when her boyfriend had to relocate for work mid twenties and asked her go with him, she decided the relationship had run its course. She had a few unhappy years and hopeless relationships but met her husband around 32 or so and he was certainly her right man so yes there are always happy outcomes and hopefully that will be the case with your girls OP.

Lynnp Sat 27-Jun-20 11:03:47

A year ago my daughter was in exactly the same position feeling lonely and wondering if she would ever find somone. She is 32 and has had couple of past relationships that didn't work out. She had been on her own for five years and had even bought a dog! (which helped her hugely btw). Last summer she met her current partner and their baby was born last Monday. Not that I would necessarily recommend such speed and it wasn't planned but they are both totally besotted with the baby and committed to making it work. The point is that things can change so quickly and unexpectedly so your daughter shouldn't give up hope. I wish her all the best.