Torn

When you watch those Long Lost Family programmes, the children want to know about their parents and their family when they are older. It affects them badly to feel rejected.

The poor child, he will probably have to know the truth one day. I wonder what the mother will tell him about his father as he grows up I'm thinking surely it would better if he grew up knowing a loving and supportive Granny Hope in his life. Then he wouldn't feel rejected by one half of his family, and would know where he comes from. Lets hope is Mum can put her childs' best interests first.

Also the father hopefully will mature and might have some interest in his son after a while. Very difficult.

My nephew was only 18 when he got a girlfriend pregnant. She was in her mid 20s. He did all the right things, agreed to support, and actually got to see the baby a few times.
Then his mother, backed up by his grandmother, got involved, and wanted to have the baby more often. Eventually the girl went to court to keep them away. They made a scene in the court, and the outcome was my nephew as well was stopped from seeing the baby.
I assume he went on paying till the boy was 18.
The moral of this is, mother keep out. However much you want a grandchild, this one isn't yours.

It's just awful to realise that you're going to be left to bring up a child on your own.
She may just be lashing out in anger at the whole family.

Summerlove, I had thought of that too, but slightly differently. I do wonder if, with the child getting older, the mother is concerned that having grandma involved will lead to the child having more awareness of the rejection of the father. She may feel that either that whole family embraces the child, or it doesn't as a whole.

I am seeing this from a slightly different perspective than most it seems.

I can completely understand why the child’s mother would want the whole family involved. She doesn’t want her child growing up knowing that only one person on its father side has any interest. Much easier to say that nobody was interested, At least as far as she can see right now. Constant rejection from only seeing one family member is a lot more than not seeing anybody. You, as his paternal grandmother are a constant reminder That his father and the rest of his family want nothing to do with him. She might be thinking that it’s better to be out of sight and out of mind.

I’m not saying she’s right, but I can certainly understand that impulse.

I think a lot of posters are being quite unkind to her motives.

@Bbnan thank you that gives me hope that is exactly what i wish for. My son is not a bad man just been in a bad place. I hope that gentle introduction with me taking responsibilty for GC will ease him in. But i can’t force him

@Txquiltz I never said he was unwilling she registered the birth without his name on. He needs to be there to do it as they are unmarried he was not told or asked. You have hit the nail on the head I don’t think it will stop which worries me. Children being used as pawns is the lowest of the low and that is what causes more damage not whether they get an invite to a cousins birthday party they have never met. Thanks for your response. I have received more messages from her overnight, I will talk to my son this week and prepare for the worst and hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think.

@BlueBelle thank you xx exactly my feelings and what I am trying to do. I understand she wants best for the child but I can’t understand why she thinks me continuing to be part of it is going to cause him damage. The stress of the messages will finish me off at this rate!

Poor child ...what a mess all because of a drunken fumble
ten minutes can change a whole plethora of people’s lives

I think you are important to be in the baby’s life but his mother needs to take the pressure off you as none of this is your fault and she must be made to realise this, she also needs to know that YOU can’t make things right for her you can only offer to be a grandma for her little child and that is more than many get.. money from the dad and a willing gran

I don’t agree with posters that tell you to leave the child, he is your flesh and blood, how can you possibly turn away from him, but don’t be drawn into the whirlpool of blame and blackmail stay neutral and think only of the baby and your relationship with him

You gave a rather strong clue about your son's ability to be responsible. He is willing to give money, but unwilling for his name to be entered on the birth certificate. Someday the child will realize your son's involvement was qualified. The mum is making demands based on blackmail....I want the entire family involved or you will be banned. Do you think her manipulation will stop then? If you withdraw, you will be heartbroken to be out of the child's life, but his mum will not be using him as a pawn.

I have sent you a private message.

Leave the mother and baby alone.
That's the best you can do for them.

I hope your son learned his lesson and now chooses to have responsible protected sex.

I’m afraid you cannot force your son to accept this responsibility emotionally even if he is doing his bit financially. What exactly has the baby’s mum said about contact to you? It seems a bit odd that she’s let you see him for a year and is now against it? Obviously as your GC gets older and understands more you and the mother need to be “singing from the same hymn sheet” so to speak regarding your side of the family. Is your relationship with the mum good enough that you can have an honest conversation about this with her? I think she’s been quite magnanimous in including you this far tbh, as that child gets older my concern would be that they are hurt or rejected by your son so maybe that’s what’s prompting her concern now as the baby develops.

Hope2020

The baby is a year old he was stupid and didn’t protect himself I am not treating him as the innocent party. He has paid maintenance from day one as he said he would he is just not ready to be a dad

He might not be ready to be a dad but he is a dad. I understand your son might need a slow and gentle approach here. Maybe a plan needs to be worked out for him to step up with his mental health carers? Medically, it might need to be slow, depending on how badly affected he is.

The alternative is that, if the baby's mother gets married, her new husband could adopt him if your son really doesn't want to parent. But that's a future 'if'. I understand that would hurt you though.

Thank you @OceanMama words have been had and he has had counselling and medication not just because of this I must point out. Such a mess I just want the best for them both.

@grandmafrench thank you

Thank you x

Yes he does know me, he is very comfortable with me , I would be heartbroken. If I had to stop seeing him but she is the one threatening to do that not me. Yes I need to speak to my son frankly and be prepared for the fallout.

You have put your Son and the rest of your family in a very difficult position, Hope, by wading in and trying very hard to fix something which was not really your place to fix. I hope I can say that to you, because that's probably what I would have done - ever hopeful and trying so hard to imagine that eventually some good would come out of a bad thing and a reasonable solution would bring about some happiness for all. Not the thing to do, though, however good your/my intentions! If it was a mess, it was down to him and the mother of his child to resolve it between themselves, however much you may have liked the idea of helping and becoming a Granny.

Where you ended the first paragraph of your post, that's probably where things should have stopped. Your Son has made it clear - presumably long before the child was born - that he wanted no part in fatherhood and if the baby's mother went ahead with her plan to be a mother, that was a decision she would be making on her own. She was clearly determined to keep the child. Good for her for being responsible. However, she's never thought this through properly : she's clearly determined that your family, you and the baby's father must be involved - otherwise the child will be "damaged". She has treated you all to some unpleasant 'phone calls and because you were worried about the pressure on your Son, you intervened and have seen the child on her terms. You can see now that this is not good enough for her - she wants more. Your own family can see however that they are going to step into something very challenging without your Son being involved; it's his business so they respect that and are staying away. It would appear that the Mother cannot accept that your Son will only contribute financially to his unplanned child's upbringing, she continues to have some "dream" of how she would like her baby's upbringing to unfold, irrespective of the realities and the wishes of anyone else involved.

I think you should sit down and explain that requests or demands for love and interest cannot be forced upon anyone. You have no control over your Son or your family, any more than she has, so she honestly needs to accept that as things stand at the moment, there's only you there for her and the baby and if she continues to make things very difficult and uncomfortable for you, then it may be better for everyone if you back off a little until she is more accepting of what might be achievable. She's not being realistic and she is going to get nowhere by putting pressure on your Son or you and the rest of the family. If she doesn't accept this, then you will at least feel you have spoken and done your best. Trying to co-erce your Son, maybe demanding meetings, access, counselling, etc., etc., will be a road that she should avoid. Accepting the situation and not thinking that she can change it, but being reasonable and looking towards her own and her little boy's future would be a much more sensible path for her to follow now.
Best of luck with it all.

This is a tough place for you to be, Hope2020. It sounds like you think your son doesn't want his child to have contact with other family on your side, but that you don't know, so I assume you haven't talked to him about it. Maybe that's a good place to start? He might be happy for the baby to have contact with other family if you facilitate it.

In this kind of situation usually your time with your grandson would come on the father's time with his child, but obviously he's not taking that. I'm not sure what kind of rights he might have if he's not on the birth certificate and doesn't want to go after establishing paternity either. That's a question for a lawyer if he wants to establish paternity at any stage.

I know depression can be tough and this might be another thing your son finds hard to handle at the moment. Can he take his parenting time and you be very hands on with helping out?

Otherwise, as harsh as it might sound, I presume you talked to your son about the potential consequences of sex and his responsibilities if a baby comes from it? I would expect my son to step up. They know they don't get a say in whether the mother decides to carry a baby to term or not and their point of decision is before they have sex (or not). I get your son is depressed. If he needs a lot of support with this, I'm sure you'd be willing to give it to him gently. If this was my son, I would take care of the baby on his time (since that would be in your home) and encourage him to get slowly more involved. It may be a confidence issue too.

If you son has someone who gives him support (like a counsellor or doctor), can you talk about a plan with them? They know your son better than we do.

The baby is a year old he was stupid and didn’t protect himself I am not treating him as the innocent party. He has paid maintenance from day one as he said he would he is just not ready to be a dad

That is how I feel and that keeping contact with me is a step in the right direction, who knows what it will lead to but I feel she is putting a time limit on it

Appreciate your response I did want to see the child but had to consider my sons feelings too. I had to wait until the time was right for her too.

Ok fair point should have clarified it was a drunken one night stand, she is a fair bit older than him so wanted to have the child

Well said mumofmadboys.