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Torn

(40 Posts)
Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 18:17:34

I need to talk to someone who has hopefully been in same or similar situation. My son is the father of a beautiful baby, but is not and has not been in a relationship with the mum. He made it clear from the start he did not want to be a dad but she went ahead anyway. He supports financially and had dna but not on certificate. After a period of a lot of grief and venomous phone calls and texts I started seeing my grandson in a bid to get her off his back but so that baby had some contact with the family. I see him about every 2 weeks usually at her home. Now I am being threatened with damaging him because there is no contact with any other members of the family.
As much as they want it to happen my family won’t have contact with grandson unless my son agrees and I don’t think he wants them too. He lives with me so I don’t want a difficult living situation. I have been avoiding the conversation due to lockdown, but I feel she will make me cut all ties with my grandson if the family do not get involved. Which would break my heart. How do I start the conversation? He has suffered with depression and I don’t want to send him over the edge. sad

eazybee Mon 29-Jun-20 18:44:24

So it was an immaculate conception, was it?

Grandad1943 Mon 29-Jun-20 18:59:21

eazybee

So it was an immaculate conception, was it?

Yes I have been trying to work out how the Baby came into being if the father had no relationship with the mother.

I like the "but she went ahead anyway". 🤔🥴

Can anybody please explain.

PinkCakes Mon 29-Jun-20 19:12:05

So even though the young lady wasn't using birth control, your son decided not to bother with a condom. It takes two. You've been trying to get her off his back?

Lucca Mon 29-Jun-20 19:16:22

Lockdown brain has clearly got to me. It I couldn’t make head nor tail of this tale

welbeck Mon 29-Jun-20 19:27:15

yes you seem to not see the situation clearly OP.
i know most mothers think their sons are above reproach, but to blame the woman in this case is so misogynistic.
she didn't extract his dna by force did she.
anyway, i don't quite understand the present problem.
is it that unless your son steps up to be a bit of a father to this lad then the mother won't let you see the child anymore.
and your son won't do that.
i don't know. i think everyone needs to put what is best for the child uppermost.
how old is he. does he know, recognise, like you.
would he miss you if you weren't around.
i don't think the mother should use your access to him as a lever against his father.
what is it she actually wants from the father. presumably he is paying maintenance.
why doesn't he want to get more involved. doesn't he care that he has a child. planned or not. does he not feel any protectiveness towards the child.
if he could that might take him out of himself a bit,
maybe be less depressed if he could see he had a role.
that he had a role to stand up for someone more vulnerable than he is.

fevertree Mon 29-Jun-20 19:32:45

I really feel for you Hope.

I understand your post to mean that the mother went ahead with the pregnancy despite your son having said he did not want to be a father.

As for having no relationship, I surmise that they were having casual sex, as seems to happen nowadays.

I can't really give you advice, it is a complicated situation. All I can think of is that you explain the position you are in to your son, and also to the baby's mother, and appeal to them for understanding how hard it is for you.

thanks

BlueBelle Mon 29-Jun-20 19:40:59

I think you are letting your son off the hook here as if he didn’t want to be a dad he should have used a condom shouldn’t he ? It takes two to tango
He supports financially so we ll give him a ✅
It sounds as if you didn’t want to meet the little chap but did it only to get her off his back now you are obviously fond of him as you say it would break you heart to not see him
First I think you should have a serious talk with your son and tell him that even if he doesn’t want anything to do with his baby his family should be able to if they want to
I can understand the mum wanting the baby to know about his paternal family
Be kind to her it’s not easy bringing a baby up with a father who she not interested

FarNorth Mon 29-Jun-20 19:46:01

Are you on good terms with the mother?
Is she pressing for your son to be involved, or only for the other family members to be involved?
And the family would like to be, but don't want to upset your son?

GagaJo Mon 29-Jun-20 22:10:31

I'm the granny on the other side of a similar situation. Accidental pregnancy. The father wanted my daughter to have an abortion. She doesn't believe in abortion. The father wants nothing to do with his son.

I'm very sorry to say, that my daughter wouldn't want the paternal grandparents involved either, since the father hasn't stepped up to be involved.

If men are adult enough to create babies, they should be adult enough to be responsible fathers too. I do appreciate that depression is a debilitating illness. But it didn't stop him from having sex with the girl. For which he is 50% responsible.

Bibbity Mon 29-Jun-20 22:26:15

I don’t know how you can look at him without disgust.
You need to sit everyone down and speak up. Who cares if he’s hurt?! The baby didn’t ask to be made!
You have the opportunity to be apart of this baby growing up!
She has been exceptionally reasonable in welcoming you. Not many Grans would’ve had that privilege if their feckless sons had done what you had. The baby is innocent. Please don’t punish him.

Bbnan Mon 29-Jun-20 22:55:00

I had a very similar situation but persisted it all and kept up contact
My son after a lot of problems now adores the child. He is 2 now the light of all our lives. He comes here at wèekends and they co parent very well
Its not easy but the child is the most important in all this.

mumofmadboys Mon 29-Jun-20 22:56:10

Hope2020 has come on here asking for help.Some of these replies are awful and lack compassion. She is in a very difficult situation and trying to do the best for everyone.I agree with fever tree about explaining position you are in to son and the baby's mum and hope some compromise can be reached. I wish you well

Grandad1943 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:01:39

I believe the OP stated that her son did not have any "deep relationship" with this "semi-partner".

Quote from OP [My son is the father of a beautiful baby, but is not and has not been in a relationship with the mum. He made it clear from the start he did not want to be a dad but she went ahead anyway.] End Quote.

I always believed it takes two to make a bargain. 🤔🥴

Or could it be that this instance places social distancing into a whole new perspective? 😂

welbeck Mon 29-Jun-20 23:04:59

the child first and foremost.
adults' feelings are unimportant by comparison.
the child is utterly dependant.
he must come first. what is best for him.

Moonlight113 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:09:01

Well said mumofmadboys.

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:27:39

Ok fair point should have clarified it was a drunken one night stand, she is a fair bit older than him so wanted to have the child

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:31:11

Appreciate your response I did want to see the child but had to consider my sons feelings too. I had to wait until the time was right for her too.

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:33:05

That is how I feel and that keeping contact with me is a step in the right direction, who knows what it will lead to but I feel she is putting a time limit on it

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:34:41

The baby is a year old he was stupid and didn’t protect himself I am not treating him as the innocent party. He has paid maintenance from day one as he said he would he is just not ready to be a dad

OceanMama Mon 29-Jun-20 23:35:28

This is a tough place for you to be, Hope2020. It sounds like you think your son doesn't want his child to have contact with other family on your side, but that you don't know, so I assume you haven't talked to him about it. Maybe that's a good place to start? He might be happy for the baby to have contact with other family if you facilitate it.

In this kind of situation usually your time with your grandson would come on the father's time with his child, but obviously he's not taking that. I'm not sure what kind of rights he might have if he's not on the birth certificate and doesn't want to go after establishing paternity either. That's a question for a lawyer if he wants to establish paternity at any stage.

I know depression can be tough and this might be another thing your son finds hard to handle at the moment. Can he take his parenting time and you be very hands on with helping out?

Otherwise, as harsh as it might sound, I presume you talked to your son about the potential consequences of sex and his responsibilities if a baby comes from it? I would expect my son to step up. They know they don't get a say in whether the mother decides to carry a baby to term or not and their point of decision is before they have sex (or not). I get your son is depressed. If he needs a lot of support with this, I'm sure you'd be willing to give it to him gently. If this was my son, I would take care of the baby on his time (since that would be in your home) and encourage him to get slowly more involved. It may be a confidence issue too.

If you son has someone who gives him support (like a counsellor or doctor), can you talk about a plan with them? They know your son better than we do.

Grandmafrench Mon 29-Jun-20 23:36:06

You have put your Son and the rest of your family in a very difficult position, Hope, by wading in and trying very hard to fix something which was not really your place to fix. I hope I can say that to you, because that's probably what I would have done - ever hopeful and trying so hard to imagine that eventually some good would come out of a bad thing and a reasonable solution would bring about some happiness for all. Not the thing to do, though, however good your/my intentions! If it was a mess, it was down to him and the mother of his child to resolve it between themselves, however much you may have liked the idea of helping and becoming a Granny.

Where you ended the first paragraph of your post, that's probably where things should have stopped. Your Son has made it clear - presumably long before the child was born - that he wanted no part in fatherhood and if the baby's mother went ahead with her plan to be a mother, that was a decision she would be making on her own. She was clearly determined to keep the child. Good for her for being responsible. However, she's never thought this through properly : she's clearly determined that your family, you and the baby's father must be involved - otherwise the child will be "damaged". She has treated you all to some unpleasant 'phone calls and because you were worried about the pressure on your Son, you intervened and have seen the child on her terms. You can see now that this is not good enough for her - she wants more. Your own family can see however that they are going to step into something very challenging without your Son being involved; it's his business so they respect that and are staying away. It would appear that the Mother cannot accept that your Son will only contribute financially to his unplanned child's upbringing, she continues to have some "dream" of how she would like her baby's upbringing to unfold, irrespective of the realities and the wishes of anyone else involved.

I think you should sit down and explain that requests or demands for love and interest cannot be forced upon anyone. You have no control over your Son or your family, any more than she has, so she honestly needs to accept that as things stand at the moment, there's only you there for her and the baby and if she continues to make things very difficult and uncomfortable for you, then it may be better for everyone if you back off a little until she is more accepting of what might be achievable. She's not being realistic and she is going to get nowhere by putting pressure on your Son or you and the rest of the family. If she doesn't accept this, then you will at least feel you have spoken and done your best. Trying to co-erce your Son, maybe demanding meetings, access, counselling, etc., etc., will be a road that she should avoid. Accepting the situation and not thinking that she can change it, but being reasonable and looking towards her own and her little boy's future would be a much more sensible path for her to follow now.
Best of luck with it all.

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:38:15

Yes he does know me, he is very comfortable with me , I would be heartbroken. If I had to stop seeing him but she is the one threatening to do that not me. Yes I need to speak to my son frankly and be prepared for the fallout.

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:40:03

Thank you x

Hope2020 Mon 29-Jun-20 23:41:24

@grandmafrench thank you