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Afraid to tell DD what is the real problem behind break-ups

(50 Posts)
LadyBella Tue 30-Jun-20 20:46:41

DD was 5 when her dad and I divorced which may play some part in this. I will say, however, that she was always a rather hysterical little girl and being over-dramatic is her make-up. She is 40. It's her approach to relationships which is the problem. When she starts dating she constantly messages the person. I have told her to play it cool but she just won't. Consequently about 5 relationships have ended. I am treading on eggshells a lot of the time and get my head bitten off if I dare suggest that she, rather than the other person, is the problem as men don't want to be hounded day and night. She asks me why nobody wants her and why can't she find what everyone else seems to find. She is pretty and intelligent and in my opinion if she could be less pushy she would probably find someone. It breaks my heart that she's always so sad. She won't consider internet dating nor counselling. I think she just pushes people away by her neediness. I don't know what to do. I worry that she will never find happiness and be alone.

ValerieF Tue 30-Jun-20 22:00:41

Hi LadyBella, How is your daughter in her every day life. Does she have a job she enjoys, does she get on with her colleagues?

Sometimes we have to accept that happiness comes from within and not from another person.

You saying you are worried she may never find happiness and she will be alone. The two aren't necessarily compatible. Do YOU feel she won't be happy if she hasn't got a partner? It is totally possible to be happy without a partner.

IF your daughter's sole aim is to find Mr Right she might be on a hiding to nothing. Encourage her to live her life with her friends, work, whatever interests her. Stop looking in other words.

As you say if she comes over as 'desperate' people will run, not just men but friends also. She needs to step back and stop trying and stop looking, open her circle of friends and leave the rest up to fait.

She may benefit from some counselling on this but if she won't entertain it, you can't force the issue. Maybe you can enlist a friend to suggest it?

Hithere Wed 01-Jul-20 00:36:22

Your daughter should be grateful you want the best for her and told her what the issue is

If she chooses not to hear you, there is nothing you can do.

She will have to reach rock bottom and change.

mumofmadboys Wed 01-Jul-20 07:40:36

I am sorry for your worries Ladybella. Our kids never cease to be a worry do they? I think all you can do when she asks you why things dont work out is tell her all her good points and try and boost her confidence and then say gently perhaps she needs to play it cool and let the chap do the contacting more. You can only do your best and if she doesn't want your gentle advice sadly there is nothing you can do. I wish you and her well.

Toadinthehole Wed 01-Jul-20 09:00:38

It sounds like you’re doing all you can. She obviously wants a long term relationship because she asks why nobody wants her. All you can do is repeat, and hopefully it’ll get through. Have any of these men in the failed relationships told her why they want to end it? Sometimes I think our kids would listen more if the words we say were coming from someone else if you know what I mean. Is there someone else who could talk to her? Difficult I know at the moment. As far as you’re concerned, I can’t see how you can do much more. She has to work this out for herself ultimately.

winterwhite Wed 01-Jul-20 09:47:29

And help her to understand that constant messaging is a fairly new phenomenon, much more popular among women than among men (or so it seems to me). A bit akin to the constant telephoning teenage used to engage in in the era before mobiles. Dunno what purpose it really serves but prob has little to do with commitment.

jefm Wed 01-Jul-20 09:54:27

Your daughter is 40- you say pretty and intelligent. I assume she lives near you or with you as you seem involved re her relationships. If she lived away you would'nt involve yourself. At 40 if she isn't listening to you now she probably wont. perhaps she need to talk to friends. But honestly she is 40 let her grow up and manage her life herself. She should learn from her mistakes. If she doesn't it cant be that important for her. Sorry you have a life to lead too.

Acer Wed 01-Jul-20 09:54:59

You surely can’t go far wrong following VALARIEf’s very sound advise ?

Coconut Wed 01-Jul-20 10:01:35

CBT counselling sounds the best option here, if she would agree to it. People find it easier to talk to strangers, plus these days you can so “walking therapy”, so you don’t have to sit in a room with someone. If she won’t agree to this, I would appeal to her to be able to chat to you and stay calm, otherwise it’s just futile. Good luck ....

choughdancer Wed 01-Jul-20 10:03:28

I wonder if when she asks you why things go wrong you could say 'what do you think/feel makes it happen' or similar? Her question to you may not be a wish for advice so much as a reaction to another one 'biting the dust'! Then you would be giving her space to talk about it rather than giving advice, which might help her to work out what is happening herself.

Craftycat Wed 01-Jul-20 10:06:27

Does she have any girl friends?
I am a mother of sons but I know from being a daughter that I would listen to my friends rather than my Mum- what could she POSSIBLY know!!

Maybe her girlfriends can get her to play it a bit cooler. If you know them maybe drop a hint?

mumofmadboys Wed 01-Jul-20 10:07:30

Good advice from choughdancer

MadeInYorkshire Wed 01-Jul-20 10:10:12

I think that perhaps you should read this and see if it rings a bell?

Sounds exactly like my own DD who has just been diagnosed - again been over dramatic all her life and is so so sad and very intelligent it turns out after getting one GCSE in Drama, but she can't cope with the pressure of Uni sadly .....

lemongrove Wed 01-Jul-20 10:17:49

Val my DD has a friend who is exactly the same.She is pretty ( aged 43 now) and very intelligent and doing a well paid and interesting job.From being a teenager she has gone from one man to the next, being very needy and baring her soul to them.My DD has told her that men dislike this, but it seems she cannot change.Some sort of therapy sounds ideal to me, if she will go down that route (and will not listen to your own advice.)

CN23 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:27:26

Looking for advice,my grandaughter is a constant worry to me won’t take advice from anyone, has temper tantrums she is 22yrs old has little girl who will soon be 3
Her home is filthy,no routine or rules,food and money always in short supply.
I walk on eggshells most of time for the sake of my GG who I adore,I buy shopping for them make sure they have gas/electric buyGG clothes ,grandaughter does not have partner,
I’ve sugessted counselling but she won’t agree,I really do worry for my little GG any advice would be appreciated,thank you.

donna1964 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:27:52

I feel Counselling would be really good for your daughter. The most healthiest of people will go and have Counselling if they cannot work situations/problems out on their own. Sometimes family can be too to speak with daughter is asking you for advice yet she is not listening. Maybe, you need to remind her of that next time she turns to you. Counselling can now be done video call...that may be better for her than going to a place for Counselling. Being in her own home whilst having Counselling may be more comfortable for her...and it is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe reminding your daughter that the most healthiest of people will seek Counselling may attract her more rather than the old stigma of yesteryear. She seems to be going around in circles and getting nowhere and taking your advice when asked too personally. I do hope she gives Counselling a could really change her life. There was 2 books you could buy called 'The Rules and The Rules 2' you could buy her to read...It does ask Do you have a string of failed Romances to your name? Yet another who never called when he said he would? Are you single...but rather be married? Then you need The Rules'. Some of it is a bit over the top but she could pick bits out of it that she could try. It is about the old way of dating...but it works. Or if you look on Amazon look at the self help books with the most best and most reviews may help your daughter in someway. xx

TrendyNannie6 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:30:57

It must be hard to see your daughter making mistakes and trying to advise and trying to help her, but I don’t think as you say she will take any notice she’s not seeing herself at fault here, has she got any friends that could possibly tell her where she’s going wrong, sadly I think it’s something she has to find out herself, wishing her the very best

Craicon Wed 01-Jul-20 10:41:28


You need to create a new thread and repost your problem there.

It’s considered poor etiquette to barge into someone else’s thread and post your own problem, but I assume that you didn’t realise this. smile

If you re-post, I’m sure you’ll get some kindly advice.

Elderflower2 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:42:34

She's the way she is smile

Gingergirl Wed 01-Jul-20 10:45:27

Seperate yourself from her a little bit....I know that’s hard. Tell yourself that her childhood hysteria and your divorce, is not related to this now,...and reiterate to her bluntly that her neediness is a turn off. I realise all of that is harsh but I think in this case it’s needed. Then leave her to aren’t responsible for her happiness now and when she realises that too, she may make some changes.

Hawera1 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:46:17

I know someone else like that. You have already told her what you think. Best you just keep.quiet and distance yourself a bit from your daughters issues. She is probably coming across a bit desperate which I think you know already.

Seefah Wed 01-Jul-20 10:56:31

When she asks you why nobody wants her and why can't she find what everyone else seems to find why don’t you say I don’t know what to say because I don’t think you want to know.
If she says I do want to know say I’m not sure. If she pursues it then say i feel I am treading on eggshells a lot of the time and get my head bitten off. If she pursues it further say ‘men don't want to be hounded day and night’. You need to find out why you do that.
Sometimes people can’t face the truth so they argue and deflect and you have to break down the barriers before they are receptive

Janebuck Wed 01-Jul-20 11:00:19

Hello CN23
Your granddaughter is nearly three and due her developmental assessment with her health visitor. Would it be helpful if you accompanied her to this or offered to take her. The HV is an ideal person to offer parenting and personal support. You would not then be in that sensitive place of advising a family member

CarlyD7 Wed 01-Jul-20 11:18:22

I think it's very common for girls to feel rejected by their fathers if they leave the family home (even if they are reassured that it's not their fault - children always think it is and will wonder what's "wrong" with them that daddy left). Some women go their whole lives pursuing the wrong men just to recreate the experience of not feeling wanted, or even (unconsciously) driving them away. We often play out the dramas of our childhood in our adulthood (for example, a friend of mine who had a very, VERY critical mother, whose approval she could never win has married a very critical husband whose approval she can never win). Wonder if saying to her something like "do you think your Dad leaving when you were so young has affected your relationships with men now that you're an adult?" and then stand back and see what happens. Don't pursue it. maybe just leave her to think it over. You never know what might come out of it.

valerieventers Wed 01-Jul-20 11:49:42

Dr. Phil has written many books on relationships. They are written in very easy to understand concepts. If your daughter should happen to come across them in your home, she may get some much needed relationship advice. Counselling is great, but potential long waiting lists and or costly. I know that some men ,not all, like the chase of pursuing a lady,NOT THE OTHER WAY. Wishing you both the best in health ,don't panic, your daughter is young!!! She will get there!