Living together but separated?

I held on to a very unhappy marriage, for too long, and if I were you, it's time to move on, yes it's difficult, but you only have one life. If you had of told me, that I will go on and get a degree and have peace of mind, I would not believe you, but it's true !.
Good luck to you.

Sadgrandma's advice first rate - and you might also think about going to your nearest (social) housing advice centre or office to see what options they might be able to offer you there. If a relationship breakdown means you can't afford to buy another place on your own, or afford to rent something reasonable which meets your needs in the private sector, you may be entitled (after the split) because of age,disability, and local connection factors to be allocated a flat or small bungalow - depends what there is in your area and the demand for both.The rent for this should be affordable - i.e. covered by housing benefit if provided by the council or a housing association.

Find out anyway before you take any irreversible steps - and make sure you see/talk to a professionally qualified housing officer as well as a solicitor - the solicitor should ideally be one who knows about housing law. SHELTER also a good bet for housing advice if you find yourself in a tricky situation- and their advice is free. Good luck.

Debutante, so many couples are in this situation and they're both miserable. If, as you write, he is a "good, honest, hardworking man", he wouldn't be taking you for granted and gratifying solely his own needs. I married a persona that disappeared at the 5 year point. I stuck it out in spite of his nasty remarks, flirting with a neighbour and on a few occasions doing deliberately dangerous things that would have looked like accidents had he been successful, but which would have totally harmed, if not killed me.

One thing I would say, he may turn seriously hostile once separation begins. The solicitor I did hire told me there's always one in a divorce that asks, "who is that person?". That was before that solicitor began to put into play tactics that would have forced the sale of the house to pay their excess fees. I ditched the solicitor, became a litigant in person and the agreement as it stands is in my favour because he got up to some financial irregularities and I had all the proof. If the house had been sold, I'd have lost any profit paying private rent.

I totally understand your concern about leaving something for your children, particularly as one has ill-health. I also understand those that have said think about your happiness first. It is a balance you'll find.

Living together but apart would possibly work if you could sell the house and buy one with an annexe. Even then, you would still have to have dealings with that person you may be better off without.

A late in life divorce after long marriage is both economically and emotionally devastating, especially if there are insufficient assets to provide for reasonable standard of living for both parties.
Firstly find out exactly what you are entitled to out of existing matrimonial assets and liabilities and pensions. The starting point is 50:50 for long marriage in negotiations. Then assess your future income and needs. Until you know where you stand, you can't really make any decisions yet. At this stage do not worry about children's possible inheritance as they have no legal entitlement to anything, and can only have what is left to them. Most children would not wish you to be miserable if you have other choices, but whatever you decide to do may come as a shock to them.

Living separately in a shared house is extremely emotionally taxing, especially for givers living with takers and doesn't really give you any freedom to form new close relationship if that is what you intend to do, and also you will need to reach an agreement on future bills/cost shares. You are not the only decision maker in this situation, and also need to bear in mind that your husband may be difficult to deal with, whether you stay or leave him, which is another reason need to find out your entitlements, and what you are going to do for future income in case he eventually wants to divorce you. .A state pension doesn't go far if you are renting, as the rent levels for housing benefit single people are very low, usually set a less than market rent for one bedroom flat.

Whatever you do do not rely on meeting someone who can provide a magic wand to whisk you away to a happier place. It is usually easier to obtain a clean break from your marriage without the complications of infidelity entering the equation.

If you decide to carry on as you are, do widen your circle of friends and activities to fill the intellectual gaps and to dilute the boredom, frustration and resentment building up. Your husband probably feels powerless to deal with your inevitable resentment if staying with him in the same house is the only option, as you may be unable to conceal this much longer.

i stayed in a marriage 27 years,mostly miserably,after a short period of time i started to educated myself, look at myself and life etc,my ex stayed still.It was a codependent relationship,it has taken a heavy toll on me,i fortunately got out only because my ex ran off with someone! it scares me to think if it wasn't for that we may be still together. You could live separately
,but for it to work ,would there be 2 separate front doors? what would happen if either of you met someone?
Ive a couple of friends who walked away from property ownership and went into social housing,on the whole they
have more peace of mind.Too many people stay stuck in miserable relationships ,as you know life is short,good luck.

Over the years, in the course of my work, I met a number of long term married couples who had found ways to live separate lives without formally separating. Many of them were of an older generation that couldn't accept for personal or religious reasons the idea of separation or divorce. In some instances they had created actual physical divisions in their houses (eg. bricking up doorways) that gave them separate bedrooms and living spaces.

Others who had holiday homes or caravans somewhere worked out (often quite unconsciously it seemed) their plans so they were rarely, if ever, in the same place at the same time. I was frequently impressed with how creative they had been in living quite separate lives without ever acknowledging to themselves or others that they were actually living apart.

Times have changed and living separate lives isn't such a challenging idea. Given your financial circumstances could something like this work for you? You become housemates, maybe still friends but no longer a couple and all the expectations that implies. Would it be possible to negotiate a version of this with your husband and start to live the life you would like? Just some food for thought. Good luck. ?

05Debutante
Can I suggest that, before making any decisions, you pay a visit to your local Citizens Advice bureau or give them a call. They are very used to situations like yours and could help you look at options, for example they could do a benefit check to see how you would stand financially if you sold the house and looked at renting somewhere for yourself. You may be entitled to pension credit if you only have a small pension and housing benefit,that may even pay your rent if you have a small income as well as council tax support. You may be surprised at what you might be entitled to. Your husband could do the same but he would have to go to a different bureau as they wouldn't be able to advise both of you.
Hope this helps.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I can’t speak from personal experience but, had a friend who, after 50+ years, decided she could no longer cope with living with her husband (he was abusive). She contacted the council and was housed n a lovely flat designed for older people but, not wardened. Until the house was sold, she lived on her pension and some benefits. She said it was the best thing she ever did and really blossomed.

It might be worth speaking to Age UK or CAB for advice. I do hope everything works out for you.

Living together like this is very hard I know as I did it for 13 months, I made the break and you should too, of course there’s going to be hurt but it’s the best thing I ever did, it’s not fair on either of you make the break after taking legal advice, don’t live with regret life’s too short

I'm with Tempest you do need to face the reality of leaving your home and looking for romance. The bed, presents etc should have been worked on decades ago. You also don't sound in completely good health, is it Osteoporosis with the spine fractures. Just to help you decide what to do why not see a Solicitor and maybe look at various kinds of shared or rented housing, get a few real facts in place, also a lot more outside interests would be a good idea. Although mid sixties is not old for some people for others it is a time when life slows down. Good luck with whatever you decide.

From what I can work out you're only in your 60s so could have decades left with your DH. I understand that you want to leave money for your daughters but would you agree with them doing the same? That is to say, staying in an unhappy relationship so they could pass on money? I'm fairly sure you wouldn't. Please go to CAB and make a free appointment with a solicitor. Good luck OP

Dear Debutante, I'm sorry to hear how sad and lonely you feel within your marriage but can I please warn you that leaving the home you have for a retirement in poverty is an equally sad and lonely existence. If your husband has been a loyal and hardworking partner and a good father to your girls then maybe you can workout an arrangement where you each have a separate bedroom. I have known many couples who in older life have separate bedrooms because of health issues, snoring etc. If you are dreaming of a wonderful new romantic partner who will be selfless, be economically able to take care of you, has no other family ties demanding his attention and money, I do not think this is the reality of dating in your sixties. To be totally independent you will need good health and a means to support yourself financially.

If you carried on living together what would happen if say, your husband found a lady friend, how would it work then? I would see a solicitor and try and find a way out of leaving and having your own place.

I think what you are looking for is "peace". Peace for your mind and soul - not having that tense, annoyed feeling all the time. I'm afraid the only way is to not have to live with it on a daily basis.

Housing will be your major stumbling block - and you must seek legal advice on that. I am sure your children would say that you must use any money you have for your own comfort as you get older - they will manage to look after themselves as we all have.

You might need to be prepared to live somewhere very different to what you are used to - but that might be outweighed by your emotional uplifting.

I hung on in an unhappy marriage for 23 years and in the end, finances didn't matter to me, so in my late forties I moved my children and myself to another town, where I had a couple of friends and for a while I lived in a rented house, which was paid for by housing benefit. Whilst on benefits I went back to college and did a computer course and a business studies course and eventually I found a very good job and after a couple of years I met my second husband. We have been married 21 years this year and have managed to buy a nice little terraced house. We are very happy and everything worked out well, but it was taking a chance that released me and being prepared to live on benefits for the rest ofmy life if necessary. Take the chance and good things will happen. Life is too short. One of my favourite sayings is : Don't waste another moment on another wasted moment: !!

Life is just far too short to be unhappy. I too stayed in my 2nd marriage far too long for various reasons, and when I finally made the decision to go, I never looked back. My only regret was not doing it sooner and the inner peace I’ve had ever since has been so worth it. Where there’s a will there’s a way .....Good luck

I think that I would have a look at renting. You can't live an unhappy life for the sake of a future inheritance. My mother did that until I gave her a firm talking to and even though she was quite old when she sold her house the proceeds all went into care in her later years. She said that she had made plans on the assumption that she would live into her 80s but she is now 94 and mainly living on a state pension which is not good in Canada. She won't accept any money from us which is frustrating.
You can't put your present on hold for what you assume might happen in the future. You can do things like fight for the NHS but how many years of happiness are you prepared to sacrifice? State pensions are not too bad if you don't start off with debts. Make sure that you get everything available like housing benefit and council tax benefit.
There are advantages to renting, like not having to carry out repairs, as long as you have a decent Landlord. There are some areas where it is still not too difficult to get Council housing and it is worth looking into that.
I think most people by the time they get to retirement age have spent quite a bit of their lives sticking with things, like a job or friendship, that made them unhappy, longer than they should have for reasons that seemed to make sense at the time.

@Jeannie59 your situation does sound more tolerable though? And you have a good degree of independence, with a caring man. Under those circumstances, I think sharing the house whilst living more or less separate lives would still work for many more people.

I lived separately for two years in the same house as my husband. We were already living separate lives really. It wasn’t easy, sometimes unpleasant and I wouldn’t want to go through it again.
Somehow I got the courage to leave and haven’t looked back.
I hope you can make things work for you whatever you decide.

See a solicitor.
You say that you both came from dysfunctional families so are you truly surprised about the way that he reacts when you have a go at him and point out his failings? I very much doubt if either of you learnt how to deal with emotional things.
I think that most of us have fallen in the trap of believing the stories built by books and media that just because we have lived with someone for years, it automatically means they know every single thing about each other. Sorry, but mens brains work differently from womens - what we see as important they don't really bother about !
After seeing the solicitor, you will need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you have written here - if it is with a counselor present all well and good. The time has come to stop worrying about anyone else and make plans to move on to a new hopefully happier life for the both of you.
Citizens advice will also be able to provide you with a fair bit of information about where to go for help and support as well as any benefits that you are entitled to.

I think its natural for people who haven't been in this position to suggest counselling, but I am sure the OP has done everything possible and knows her own mind after all these years. I am in a similar position; I have had financial advice and been told I am entitled to more than half of the proceeds of the house sale, but that would leave my H with very little. Whereas if we split 50:50, neither of us could afford much - he also has a larger pension. Its a mess, well it will be after 30-40 years. As @Hetty58 says upthread, there are lots of couples in the same position both on here and Mumsnet.

They reckon its going to end up with a lot of single households in poverty, but I know what I would prefer. Getting back to practicalities, I've looked at things like Older Persons Shared Ownership, or applying to almshouses or charitable housing associations - that might work for you OP? Is there a cheaper area? If you go into a rented place or even if you buy a flat dont forget to factor in rent/ground rent on a state pension. The other thing I'd considered was women only co-operatives - its going to take a lot of digging.

But yes I agree with posters overall, living in the house together would be very stressful.

I am with my 80 year old husband
I am 64. We have been together 25 years and married 22 this month.
I haven't loved him for around 15 years. When I came back from Australia end December after visiting my DD I put the house up for sale and told him I didnt love him.
Then lockdown came and I took the house off the market, I actually felt bad leaving an 80 year old man
We have had separate rooms and have had for 5 years, I just dont love him in a romantic or sexual way
We still have a mortgage on our house.
I get my pension at 66 and have a private pension
He is our main provider atm
He really is a lovely gentle and caring man
But I just dont love him

I think you just need to be honest and have a good chat with him. He probably knows things are not good between you so I don't think it would come as a shock if you said you wanted to seperate, but I think you would find it difficult separating but still living in the same house, for you and him. I know it might be difficult to relocate to a cheaper area but if you moved to a cheaper area in the UK you may be able to afford a house or flat each? It's difficult if you rely on your husband financially and your health isn't that good but there is help via the DWP if you cannot work due to ill health if you separated from your husband. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation.

Ican never understand the idea that we have to go without, be unhappy, or whatever the circumstances, so as to leave what we have obtained through our hard work to our children! I love my family but do not feel I have to subsidise their lives once they become independent. Life is for living and hopefully I can carry on and do that. In the case of Debutante I would say a complete break would be for the best, especially for her mental health.