Living together but separated?

Debutante. I really feel for you. My only advice is to make sure you have everything tied up financially. I trusted my ex too much and lost beautiful furniture and money because i believed everything he said. Too late for me but harden your heart!

I think you should put yourself first but, I would recommend counselling. Sometimes hearing it from someone else has a greater effect.

There's no point in staying together if it's just not working anymore. Lockdown has made us all realise who's important in our lives and who's not. It's brought our feelings and emotions to the forefront. You only have one life and you have to do what you feel is right for you

Debutante my grandparents lived separately in the same house for many, many years and it was horrible to say the least, although at the time I didn't realise how difficult mainly because I don't ever remember them living together.

The tension was the worst and because they wouldn't speak to each other or be in the same room together, the grandchildren (during visits) would be asked to be the messenger between them.

As horrible as it was, they both showered us with lots of love, cuddles etc and made sure we knew they each loved us heaps, but when I think back (as an adult) their lives must have been pure hell trying to keep up the facade. Anyone outside the family 'thought' they were still together.

So from my experience I would suggest a total separation. I also agree with Spice101 in relation to kids inheritance, it's a gift not a right and if there's a gift for them at the end of your life, so be it but in the meantime you need to look after yourself.

All the best ;-)

Why are people so insistent on leaving what they have to their children? Of course we want to leave as much as we can to our children and by all means do so but do not hamper your life and happiness while you have that asset to draw on.
When the time comes your children will inherit what you have left but in the meanwhile you will have had the opportunity to make your life as good as it can be for you.

I would find it very difficult to live in the same house as someone I didn't want to be with unless it could be converted into 2 totally independent residences and you had no shared facility.

Could you speak to a solicitor to see what your financial options are?

I know someone who did this, it was awkward because tge house wasnt big but they did this fir a couple if years. In the end the house was sold and they went their separate ways. She is much happier now despite having to watch the pennies. Good luck Debutante.

I cannot speak to how well it worked in practice, but in the past this was very common. Divorce wasn't an option, so couples lived separate lives in the same house. It was known as being "divorced from bed and table".

Debutante, similar questions come up frequently on Gransnet. You can't start a new life by clinging on to the old one - so just leave!

Dear Debutante being so unhappy and not able to hide it anymore must be so difficult. It does not sound ideal to continue living in the same house but separately unless you have sufficient room to make it work. It would appear that it may be better for you to go your separate ways. Yes I know finances come into it but do you really want to stay where you are when it makes you so miserable. Do try and get some financial advice to see what may work. A one bedroom flat or renting may be your best option unless you want to live the rest of your life being as unhappy as you are now. Whatever the outcome I send my warmest wishes that you may find the happiness you are seeking.

Thanks for replying V3ra.... not really I’ve let him know how I feel about being taken for granted and unappreciated and how much we’ve grown apart and changed. I’ve asked him to tell me what makes him unhappy about me too so as to encourage and invite him to discuss things. He’s a very bad communicator and just goes quiet and goes and mows the lawn or something mundane like that. We are just not on the same page with the lifestyle we want and I feel I’m going to die with regrets over my life if I don’t try and change it now but I suppose a lot would say it’s too late. I just can’t fake it anymore I’m so very unhappy and alone in the marriage. I’ve had to be quite blunt as he doesn’t take subtle hints about how selfish he is in bed etc. We go for a long time with no sex then he starts paying me compliments so I know he’s getting in the mood again. ImHe makes no effort at all to please me it’s like school boy sex really. He really makes no effort it’s all about him so I’m just not interested. Thing is I know I’d have a great zest for life still with the right love and attention from someone sensitive and thoughtful. I don’t really feel so old that it’s not worth bothering now. It sounds awful but if we could afford to do it I wouldn’t hesitate to leave.

Thanks for replying shysal .,, I’m glad you found the courage and are happier. Sounds like you might have had very difficult times getting there though. I know for a fact that by selling the house we could not afford to each buy somewhere separately. Also, things went wrong for us financially during the last recession so neither has a pension to speak of other than the state one. I’ve thought about renting, taking out equity release etc but I really want to be able to leave what we’ve spent years building up to our daughters. I hate the banks and don’t want them to get it! I worry about one as she has a kidney desease and struggles with health. This Covid has made her job precarious and I’m wondering whether our children will be able to rely on the NHS in their latter years ? I really can’t imagine how it would work living together apart though and imagined the scenario you mention. Problem is I have several spinal fractures and though I seem ok I’m in constant back pain so suitable jobs would be very limited for me due to being uncomfortable sitting or standing for long.

Does he feel the same or will this come as a big shock to him?
Have you been for some counselling?
Would that be an idea to start with?

I did it for several years. I took over the daughters' bedrooms for living and sleeping, and a sort of timetable developed for bathroom and kitchen. However, I still found my self irritated when he was in the house.
With retirement looming I went to see a solicitor for a free 30minute appointment and found that with everything being split 50/50 we could just afford to sell the family home and buy a small terraced property each.
I should warn you that the husband I had thought was at least an honourable man changed under the influence of a new partner, so I would advise you to make sure all is tied up legally.
Money is tight but I have to say that I love living alone with nobody to answer to, and should have made the move earlier.
Whatever you decide I hope you make the right decision for you.