Invited to my sister's and then told to go

Seems to me Seastar that you are much happier without your nasty bullying BIL and sister... if my husband had spoken to my sister or a friend of mine in that manner after I'd invited her round, I'd damned well be the one calling him rude...how ignorant!.and she is just as bad sticking up for him.
What would worry me though is the lost contact with your Mum..you have a right to see her and know how she is...and it's abuse for them to control her like that.. they could be feeding her all sorts of lies.. if you had a normal relationship with your mother until the point that she went to live with them I would definitely get advice on how to find her..just to check she's ok if nothing else..other than that keep looking after yourself..and if that means without any sisterly contact so be it.. good luck.

I find the ‘not allowed’ to see your mum concerning. You’re an adult and have the right to see your own mother. It seems to me - and believe me, I know all about bullying behaviour - that your BIL is controlling and manipulating your sister. I’d do as a previous poster advised and contact your sister in a day or so to make sure she’s ok.

I agree with the others who said: Why didn't you ask there and then, what was going on?! Nothing is ever improved by going away and brooding. The 'Least said, soonest mended' generation have a lot to answer for. I think you should have said there and then - Have I done something to offend you? Only, (my sister) asked me over for a chat and we haven't had it yet... At least he would have had to say something.

I suggest you contact social services if your mother is still alive to find out what exactly is happening. They will be able to trace them (via nhs). Also, why put this post on after 18 months?

Oh dear, seastar.

You are not a horrible person. Criticising BiL was not wise but doesn't deserve cutting off.

As that's how it is, I guess you need to put it out of your mind, as well as you can.

should have read .. (I can't offer you)

Sister seems in love with BIL. Sister and my niece ( sister's daughter) banned me via Facebook message. Mum is losing her memory and moved in with my sister. It doesn't appear to be domestic abuse. I think money may be at the bottom of it - inheritance. I went to visit to see mum and sister. BIL didn't join in very much and then said goodnight and went to bed. 30 mins later he was annoyed. We were talking quietly because we knew BIL had gone to bed. Later I commented to sister that I thought BIL was rude and in defending him she banned me from the house. Phoning - they won't answer my calls I write letters but I'm not sure mum understands and she can't write back - arthritis. Facebook I have been blocked. So, I've kept myself to myself. I'm lonely but at least I'm not in any more trouble. I miss my mum. BIL works in day, sister works mainly nights. Sister won't talk to me in day because she says I insulted her husband by saying he was rude. Sister says she is moving soon and won't give me her address. I must be a really horrible person if this is the reaction I've got just by saying he was rude. I agree you only can go on my side of the story but I'm honest and I've told you the facts as they happened.
This all happened well before lockdown. I haven't seen or heard from them now for 1 and a half years. I don't even know if mum is still alive. They have cut themselves off from all the family and none of us speak to each other - a truly toxic family. Such a shame. Thanks for the insights. If gives me another angle to think about. xx

oh dear.Seastar.can't offer you any more than what has been said.very worrying for you (and your Mother in all of this ) .hope you can sort it out.

I agree with kevincharley, that there is more to this story than we see here. To be forbidden to see your mother, and cut off by the couple seems strange. I also assume you have had contact with them where you were informed that you were banned from the house. Was that not the time to ask what you had done wrong?
I am reminded of my mother’s reply if anyone said there were two sides to every story.
‘ No, there are three sides. His side, her side, and the truth, which is probably somewhere in between’.

I wonder if you said something which offended him? Was he enjoying your company one minute and then suddenly became hostile and left the room? If so, that could be the reason for his behaviour.
Dictating to your sister is another matter. Is she afraid of him? Surely she could confide in you privately if she wished to.
It all sounds very strange.

This situation is wrong in many ways seastar Be careful how you approach things but I think you should try and talk to your sister privately and see if you can find out what is happening.
I would be quite concerned about your Mum and her being isolated from family.
I hope you can sort something out soon.

Apart from the rudeness and possible controlling behaviour, the thing which worries me is the fact that you are not allowed to see your Mother. So, where was she when you visited? Is it such a massive house that she didn't know you were visiting? Is she shut away and not allowed visitors? Maybe a call to the elderly care team to check she is ok would be the first thing to do.

I can't see that you have done anything wrong, but apologising might just be the way to renew contact with you sister.

I may have misunderstood, but I thought you meant that they have both asked you to stay away?

If you want to see your sister after this, ring her up and ask what the fuss was all about, then leave it to her to explain.

Daft question---does he have any friends/family ?

'Constructive opinion'?? In any opinion that's very strange behaviour, not what normally goes on! Anyone thinking it is, is probably a bit odd themselves.

He sounds to me like an abusive control freak, did your sister stand up to him, who knows what she suffers when they are alone I feel sorry for her.

I would be worried for my mother, i would tell the social care team about him and get my mum out of there.

I'd want to hear the other side of the story before I waded in with advice or support.
I think that about the majority of posts on here.
Nobody can formulate a constructive opinion based on what's written here.

Maybe youd got a bit loud, but still seems way over the top to ban you & cut you off! Youre well out of it, he sounds like a right nutter! Send your sister a text, leave it ambiguous as he may read her messages& mail too- just say "sorry if we disturbed your hubby- but id love to still see you, maybe just you& I could get together at mine next time?" Then leave it to her- or is there a time when hes out and she is in alone? Maybe you could go speak to her then, ask her why it happened, tell her you'd help her leave if she wishes?- but stay at the door, in case he turns up, you don't know if he'd turn nasty! Never put anything like that in a text or letter to her, he probably reads it all. If not you'll have to accept the way they are probably.

It sounds like your sister is being controlled by this man. See if you can contact her and meet somewhere on neutral ground. She may be afraid of him.

Not "allowed" to see your mother, even though she lives there??? Does that seem right to you? Is she like Miss Haversham, living hidden in the attic?? Please.. how can you not see how twisted this all is? BiL is classic narcissist...needing control over people and situations to feel validated. I agree with Cossy, your sister probably suffered after the event for daring to ask you to visit against his wishes. Probably with "stonewalling" (silent treatment) and she is a codependent, going along with his wishes to have a quiet life. Classic control is cutting people off from their families and friends. I think this sounds extremely dangerous and I really don't understand how you can even question whether it is normal behaviour. It really isn't. You are being played and frankly, I fear for your sister and mother.

Is this a new thing or is he struggling after lockdown? I think we are going to see a legacy of odd behavioural and mental issues when we emerge from this.
Fingers crossed this is all just stress and it gets sorted out.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Keep in touch with your sister. Maybe have phone calls a couple of times a week. This way, if she needs you she will know you will be there for her.

One of my best friends has just got out of a relationship with a coercive controlling man. She was not allowed to see her children, he didn't like her friends and we never went round when he was there. He was jealous of her boss and any man with whom she may have had to speak to through her job. He is a vile man and despite her finally getting him out last October he will not leave her alone. She has had police involvement and asked for info under Claires law but nothing came to light although she is aware of a chequered past. You sister may feel trapped in this relationship and fearful of the consequences of rocking the boat and she also has your Mum to consider. I would just make sure I am there for her when she needs you which will eventually come. I would also send a text checking she is ok and ask after your Mum. Could you not meet out or at your home? and contact her when he is not around if you can. Good luck. You know we are all here to offer support. Good luck.

What does your mum think of this situation? Is she very infirm or suffering from dementia? Does she support this attitude to you? Nobody has the right to deprive a mother of seeing her child whatever age they are. Are there any other siblings? Does your sister have any children? On the face of it, it sounds as if your brother in law has major problems in manners and tolerance. I wonder if he really wanted his mother in law living with them? Who knows? Maybe talk to your sister - ask her to visit you with Mum if possible. Write to your Mum - tell her what’s happened - although if she’s OK she might also be being bullied by this unpleasant sounding man. Has he got any brothers or sisters? If so you could speak to them. See if he has form in this sort of behaviour- only of course if you really want to keep contact. But you do say you miss your mum - so be brave take action .