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Invited to my sister's and then told to go

(101 Posts)
seastar Wed 08-Jul-20 04:50:56

Sister invited me over to her house and gave me a time to arrive. I turned up on time. We were talking about pleasant things and my sister's husband went to bed. It was 8.30 pm. After 30 mins her husband came downstairs and said loudly "Come on, you have work tomorrow and you have to be up early". He then went back to bed. I made my excuses and left at 9pm. My sister was the one who said to come over on that particular night at 8;30pm. I felt her husband was being rude and disrespectful. Have I read the situation correctly? My sister's husband has now banned me from the house and they have cut me off. I thought it was an over reaction but I never know if i'm in the right or wrong.

BradfordLass73 Wed 08-Jul-20 05:58:52

Did you know before this that her husband was a manipulative control freak who daredn't sleep alone, even at 9pm? smile

Surely he's shown some signs of a personality disorder before this?

If they've been married a long time, then clearly she tolerates it....or doesn't know how to get free of him - or maybe doesn't want to give up the lifestyle isfthey're comfortably off.

There are many reasons women stay with manipulative bullies but if your sister contacts you, and there's no reason why she wouldn't, even if you're banned from their house, then I suggest you help her get away from this moron - if she wants to do so..

Whichever way you look at this, it's no fault of yours.

MawB Wed 08-Jul-20 06:32:16

I would not need to be “banned” - I would refuse to ever go!
However, you wrote in early June about your “toxic” sisters, I am assuming this is the one who does not have your mum living with them, as you talk about her (the sister) having to be up early for work? You say you were talking about pleasant things so presumably your relationship had been restored.
But who goes to bed at 8.30?
Is he really such a bully that you could not answer back? There was nothing to read incorrectly. He was insufferably rude and you are well out of it - if the relationship is worth saving, either meet on neutral ground or invite her to your house on her own.

Sparkling Wed 08-Jul-20 06:35:05

You had been effectively thrown out after being invited, why didn't you ask why then? How was there any excuse on your part to leave when you had been told to? Was this the first time you had ever been invited or something? Why can't your sister come to you?

Ladyleftfieldlover Wed 08-Jul-20 09:47:27

Why can’t people speak up? If that had happened to me I would have asked there and then what the heck was going on!

Coconut Wed 08-Jul-20 09:49:47

How odd ! Is your sister being manipulated and controlled ? Any other family members close to them that you could discuss this with ? All you can do is let her know you are there’s for you if she ever needs you.

polnan Wed 08-Jul-20 09:51:31

awful behaviour how strange
( so how have I spelled behaviour incorrectly?)

MawB Wed 08-Jul-20 09:51:59

Can you tell us more , OP about how you and your sister were reconciled enough for you to even be invited round? Did the invitation come as a surprise?

MawB Wed 08-Jul-20 09:53:00


awful behaviour how strange
( so how have I spelled behaviour incorrectly?)

Who says you did? smile

Craftycat Wed 08-Jul-20 09:54:50

Sorry but I would have said- I've been invited over to see my sister & have only just got here so I'll stay a bit longer thank you. Don't let us disturb you- you go off to bed.

What a cheek. I hope you can contact your sister & check she is OK & not being manipulated.

Cossy Wed 08-Jul-20 09:56:15

This is a very awkward and possibly dangerous situation Had you spoken up at the time that might have enraged your BiL and your sis may have suffered. For me, this is a clear domestic abuse situation. Are there children in this home ? I would contact my sis by phone and simply ask what on Earth is going on ?

TrendyNannie6 Wed 08-Jul-20 09:57:14

Oh wow, this is just crazy! Not really normal behaviour, he obviously has some issues, and for your sis to go along with his wishes is even more weird, I’d have had to question this insane behaviour

jaylucy Wed 08-Jul-20 10:00:44

I wonder what he would have done if you had not left when you did?
I get the idea that though your sister invited you, he either didn't know or didn't want you there in the first place, or your sister had assumed that because you would be arriving relatively late in the evening (who invites someone to be there at that time? Most of the time I would have thought that 7 or 7.30 would be the usual).

I'd just leave it for the moment. Someone in that household doesn't want you in their lives and there is little that you can do, sadly.

NotSpaghetti Wed 08-Jul-20 10:04:17

Keep an open door to your sister. This has red flags for me.
It feels not right...maybe nothing but with my "domestic abuse" hat on it is controlling behaviour. Do not judge your sister, she may need a friend in future. Just be there and open to her.
I hope I am wrong and it's something else going on. Maybe you could call her when he's not about... Please, please don't cut her off.
Good luck.

Aepgirl Wed 08-Jul-20 10:09:44

I wonder if your sister was trying to tell you something about her possessive husband?
Is it possible to contact your sister when her husband is not at home to get to the bottom of this situation?
Your sister may be in danger.

Seajaye Wed 08-Jul-20 10:12:58

While 8.30 pm is an odd bedtime, unless unusual work start time requires a very early night, this might be the reason your sister asked you over at 8.30, expecting her husband to be in bed by the time you arrived. I would leave it a few days and then ring your sister to diplomatically check she is ok, and to finish off the conversation. You can ring at a time when her husband is in bed or when he is at work. As others say, her husband may be controlling but you probably need to wait until your sister opens up. I stayed in a controlling relationship for years which limited my contact with my family. As my family were unaware of any issues, they thought I was the one being aloof with them, but my ex used to listen in on phone calls so it was difficult to talk other than about general things. I eventually realised I had become an enabler of the controls on what I could do. I did eventually manage to leave but it was very difficult and may not be an option for everyone. I am however more in touch, mainly in the phone, with my family than before.

Tanjamaltija Wed 08-Jul-20 10:18:55

If that's the way he talks to his wife in front of third parties, I wonder how he talks to her when they are alone. Wash them clean out of your hair, you don't need the aggro. If you have to talk to her at all, do so on the telephone, or on Zoom.

seastar Wed 08-Jul-20 10:27:15

We started contact when dad died but it was short lived as you can see. So many toxic things have happened that I don't know whether I'm doing right or wrong. This is why I run them past the Gransnetters. If I'm in the wrong then I'll apologise and put it right. My BIL is somewhat aggressive and he has muscles ( I hope I've spelt this right - I don't mean the seafood!). Mum lives with them but I'm not allowed to see mum anymore.
Since, this has happened I've been away from the situation and I'm a lot happier although I miss my mum. I've realised through Gransnetters that I have been living in a toxic, lonely situation most of my life. I thought I'd ask Gransnetters about this episode as I need to make sure it's not me. I was shocked when this happened. My BIL has asked people to leave his house before and has banned them but I couldn't see what I'd done wrong.
Thanks for helping to sort me out and taking time to respond. It makes me feel better to know that there are still lovely people around. xx smile

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 10:27:31

The husband was talking to his wife, not specifically throwing seastar out.

Seastar, did your sister tell you that you are banned from the house and that they both have cut you off?

It does sound as though your sister is being bullied by her husband.

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 10:29:17


sarahellenwhitney Wed 08-Jul-20 10:32:59

Is BIL normally like this when you visit your sister?Domestic abuse comes to mind? For the time being only meet your sister on neutral ground where you can freely discuss any personal issues she may be having with H.
Don't put it off in the hope it was a one off. This kind of treatment rarely is.

Gwenisgreat1 Wed 08-Jul-20 10:34:22

Most has already been said, but I wonder how your mum is coping with it all?

Caroleapats Wed 08-Jul-20 10:35:10

It sounds to me like he is worried she may mention what an insufferable, controlling bully he is. I used to have a partner like that, they hate family around who love and care for you. They are the type who easily turn violent when challenged. You should keep in touch with her for sure. Eventually I realised I would rather be pennyless but free of chains, I chucked him out and got an injunction. It was tough and scary but i should have done it years before.

V3ra Wed 08-Jul-20 10:35:17

Is your brother-in-law a jealous person?
My Mum was and we had that scenario the night before my sister's wedding.
We were all gathered in their lounge, having a drink and chatting. Mum announced she was going to bed, so we all said our goodnights and carried on chatting.
She stood in the doorway, hands on hips, glared at Dad and said, "Did you hear me?" "Well come on then."
He hadn't finished his drink but stood up to go. I said he could surely finish it, but he said he'd better go as she wouldn't sleep without him to hold her hand.
Their social life revolved round her WI meetings and outings, he had no hobbies or friends of his own.

gagsville Wed 08-Jul-20 10:44:59

This is called coercive control. It is just as much of an abuse as physical violence. Please get some professional help and tell him to do the same. This is no way to live. I wish you all the best and hope you can sort it out or leave.