Invited to my sister's and then told to go

Cant your sister come to your house instead.i wouldnt go back when he was there.she needs to stand up for herself.but maybe he controls all that she does.maybe she needs your support.ask her to come and meet you else where.maybe she needs a break from him .invite her to yours for the weekend.if there is physical abuse he needs reporting

The other issue that concerns me here is Mum lives with them but I'm not allowed to see mum anymore.
Does anyone else have contact or see your Mum? Personally I'd be very worried about anyone living with your brother in law.

IF, and I stress 'if ' myself and other posters are reading your post and situation right there is a bigger problem here.

Your BIL sounds like a bully and your sister sounds like a woman broken down by too much of his behaviour.

You say "They have cut you off". May be your sister has gone along with the "cutting off" in order to Keep the Peace - Don't Rock the Boat and all that.

So may be it's more about your sister finding ways of keeping her self as safe as she can and not about you being cut off.

If what you say is happening then your sisters relationship with her husband is fragile at best but most likely dangerous.

While I think what happened to you is Wrong you are at least safe and away from any future danger - may be your sister lives with this and other "Wrongs" who knows?

As for contacting your sister you may only get one shot at this so I'd make the message positive. Something like "Thank you for inviting me. You know how to get hold of me anytime".

Even if you can't have any private communications with your sister try to let her known you're there for her.

Please don't get into lots of 'Yes But's' and 'I only's" take control of you part in this and don't let your hurts dominate any contact.

You have every Right to be hurt by what happened but your have a RESPONSIBILITY not to make your sisters difficult life any worse.

I'm in full agreement with NotSpaghetti and others in that it seems like there is Domestic Abuse going on here.

If you want a better insight into the difference between Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence go on the Women's Aid wed site, lots of good information on there and other sites.

Also if you want a better understanding of what seems to happen in your wider family look on line at the Drama Triangle, get to know your part in the family dynamics and start by taking control of yourself.

At the moment your are feeling very hurt, reasonably so, but ...

When we are in Feelings we don't have much access to Thinking. This situation needs more thinking so get your feelings processed and then get thinking you will get to Feeling better sooner that way.

Good Luck and remember YOU are SAFE from your BIL, your sister may not be. You have a home and life away from hers and her troubles she has that treatment every day.

She’s your sister! Get in touch and ask what happened in that occasion and why she doesn’t want to see you. Try not to be too judgemental until she’s explained.

This is called coercive control. It is just as much of an abuse as physical violence. Please get some professional help and tell him to do the same. This is no way to live. I wish you all the best and hope you can sort it out or leave.

Is your brother-in-law a jealous person?
My Mum was and we had that scenario the night before my sister's wedding.
We were all gathered in their lounge, having a drink and chatting. Mum announced she was going to bed, so we all said our goodnights and carried on chatting.
She stood in the doorway, hands on hips, glared at Dad and said, "Did you hear me?" "Well come on then."
He hadn't finished his drink but stood up to go. I said he could surely finish it, but he said he'd better go as she wouldn't sleep without him to hold her hand.
Their social life revolved round her WI meetings and outings, he had no hobbies or friends of his own.

It sounds to me like he is worried she may mention what an insufferable, controlling bully he is. I used to have a partner like that, they hate family around who love and care for you. They are the type who easily turn violent when challenged. You should keep in touch with her for sure. Eventually I realised I would rather be pennyless but free of chains, I chucked him out and got an injunction. It was tough and scary but i should have done it years before.

Most has already been said, but I wonder how your mum is coping with it all?

Is BIL normally like this when you visit your sister?Domestic abuse comes to mind? For the time being only meet your sister on neutral ground where you can freely discuss any personal issues she may be having with H.
Don't put it off in the hope it was a one off. This kind of treatment rarely is.

x-post

The husband was talking to his wife, not specifically throwing seastar out.

Seastar, did your sister tell you that you are banned from the house and that they both have cut you off?

It does sound as though your sister is being bullied by her husband.

We started contact when dad died but it was short lived as you can see. So many toxic things have happened that I don't know whether I'm doing right or wrong. This is why I run them past the Gransnetters. If I'm in the wrong then I'll apologise and put it right. My BIL is somewhat aggressive and he has muscles ( I hope I've spelt this right - I don't mean the seafood!). Mum lives with them but I'm not allowed to see mum anymore.
Since, this has happened I've been away from the situation and I'm a lot happier although I miss my mum. I've realised through Gransnetters that I have been living in a toxic, lonely situation most of my life. I thought I'd ask Gransnetters about this episode as I need to make sure it's not me. I was shocked when this happened. My BIL has asked people to leave his house before and has banned them but I couldn't see what I'd done wrong.
Thanks for helping to sort me out and taking time to respond. It makes me feel better to know that there are still lovely people around. xx

If that's the way he talks to his wife in front of third parties, I wonder how he talks to her when they are alone. Wash them clean out of your hair, you don't need the aggro. If you have to talk to her at all, do so on the telephone, or on Zoom.

While 8.30 pm is an odd bedtime, unless unusual work start time requires a very early night, this might be the reason your sister asked you over at 8.30, expecting her husband to be in bed by the time you arrived. I would leave it a few days and then ring your sister to diplomatically check she is ok, and to finish off the conversation. You can ring at a time when her husband is in bed or when he is at work. As others say, her husband may be controlling but you probably need to wait until your sister opens up. I stayed in a controlling relationship for years which limited my contact with my family. As my family were unaware of any issues, they thought I was the one being aloof with them, but my ex used to listen in on phone calls so it was difficult to talk other than about general things. I eventually realised I had become an enabler of the controls on what I could do. I did eventually manage to leave but it was very difficult and may not be an option for everyone. I am however more in touch, mainly in the phone, with my family than before.

I wonder if your sister was trying to tell you something about her possessive husband?
Is it possible to contact your sister when her husband is not at home to get to the bottom of this situation?
Your sister may be in danger.

Keep an open door to your sister. This has red flags for me.
It feels not right...maybe nothing but with my "domestic abuse" hat on it is controlling behaviour. Do not judge your sister, she may need a friend in future. Just be there and open to her.
I hope I am wrong and it's something else going on. Maybe you could call her when he's not about... Please, please don't cut her off.
Good luck.

I wonder what he would have done if you had not left when you did?
I get the idea that though your sister invited you, he either didn't know or didn't want you there in the first place, or your sister had assumed that because you would be arriving relatively late in the evening (who invites someone to be there at that time? Most of the time I would have thought that 7 or 7.30 would be the usual).

I'd just leave it for the moment. Someone in that household doesn't want you in their lives and there is little that you can do, sadly.

Oh wow, this is just crazy! Not really normal behaviour, he obviously has some issues, and for your sis to go along with his wishes is even more weird, I’d have had to question this insane behaviour

This is a very awkward and possibly dangerous situation Had you spoken up at the time that might have enraged your BiL and your sis may have suffered. For me, this is a clear domestic abuse situation. Are there children in this home ? I would contact my sis by phone and simply ask what on Earth is going on ?

Sorry but I would have said- I've been invited over to see my sister & have only just got here so I'll stay a bit longer thank you. Don't let us disturb you- you go off to bed.

What a cheek. I hope you can contact your sister & check she is OK & not being manipulated.

polnan

awful behaviour how strange
( so how have I spelled behaviour incorrectly?)

Who says you did?

Can you tell us more , OP about how you and your sister were reconciled enough for you to even be invited round? Did the invitation come as a surprise?

awful behaviour how strange
( so how have I spelled behaviour incorrectly?)

How odd ! Is your sister being manipulated and controlled ? Any other family members close to them that you could discuss this with ? All you can do is let her know you are there’s for you if she ever needs you.

Why can’t people speak up? If that had happened to me I would have asked there and then what the heck was going on!