Invited to my sister's and then told to go

It sounds as if it was all about control and money. It's quite common one sibling takes control, takes parent into their home , will changed, couple not interested in family just money. They make it impossible for anyone else to see the family member. Norally tell all that know them thatother family not interested and neglectful. They don't usually tell you parent has died, making out there is only them that cares. Social Services are not interested, they have a heavy workload they can not deal with. Whatever you did or didn't do would have had the same outcome I'm afraid.

Thanks for the update seastar.
Not nice but you sound more resigned to it now.
Maybe just focus on the relationship with your other sister now.

Just to update on this. Mum died. Younger sister has v.aggressive husband. We lost contact as she stated on FB that she's on a different path. She has now cut herself off from her side of the family totally. I wrote a letter trying to alert her to her controlling husband but no reply. I've said I'm here if needed. There's not anymore I can do. Other sister reckons younger sister 'plays' silly games for a laugh. Better off out of it I think. Thanks for all the advice. I thought you would all like to know what finally happened.

Social services checked on mum because I had an email from Social services saying that mum was well and not being abused. I don't know how they came to this decision but the result was that my sister was extremely angry that I had involved social services. Sister sent me a message via facebook stating that from now on I am "dead to her". She wants no further contact and will ignore me.

Bluebelle I didn't think how social services found out. I assumed they made a visit but you have got me wondering now how they found out the information. All I know is that I contacted Social services and then about 2 days later I had an email from them just giving me a vague reassurance that mum was okay.

I always thought that my sister was a really nice person until my dad died about 2 years ago and then all this with mum happened. Part of me still can't believe that my sister has done this. To me my sister was always a kind and loving person. These last 2 years has shocked me and maybe I was mistaken in my sisters' personality. Strange thing is I still love my sister even though she has done this but I now feel as though I have to respect her space and cease contact. It means that I won't know anything about my mum. I won't even know when she has died. This really hurts but Social services was my last attempt. I tried the police but they warned me that I shouldn't go to my sisters' house and bang on her door because then I would be at fault and could be in trouble with the police. The police suggested that I let things calm down and then try mediation via charities or Citizens Advice. However, mum is nearing 90 yrs of age and all this waiting could be to late. I just hope that mum doesn't believe I've abandoned her and don't love her. I would hate her to think that of me.

BibiSarah = I know posters only have my side of this sad series of events but I know I have told the truth. I posted on Gransnet because I wanted to have other perspectives on my situation. My goal was simply to find a way to see my mum because I love her. I don't want to cause any trouble for anyone especially my sister. I miss my mum and my sister decided to block access. I suspect money/inheritance is at the bottom of this all. My sister can have the inheritance due to me. I want my mum back.

How do I know mum's Will has been changed?
My sister told me via messenger FB that mum had made a new will leaving my other sister and me out.

It's not a pleasant situation. I've cried that much that I've given myself headaches, eyes sore and I am on strong dose of anti-depressants.

Reading through these posts though has helped because I know that others have suffered similar things and are able to offer support and advice for which I am deeply grateful. Thank you for your support during these bad years that I am experiencing. Gransnetters have made me feel stronger and I can't thank you all enough.

Seastar, I suspect this situation is very much a case of your truth, their truth, and the real truth.

seastar I m confused how do you know your sister has made your mother change her will if no one speaks to you and you don’t even know if your mum is alive or dead (first post)
When did the indiscreet social workers go to your sisters is this in the last few days since you decided to do something about this situation or was this from previously
How do you suddenly know the husband isn’t a bully !!!
If you decided to do something two weeks ago and in this pandemic social workers aren’t probably going to houses how has all this information suddenly been given to you !!!

Seastar I have been reading your very sad thread and although slightly different my family showed their true colours when my mum developed dementia just before the death of my dad. Rather than go into all my details which I have put firmly behind me now I just wanted to say when social services became involved with my mum, they too were absolutely useless! I think the agencies involved are all tied down to having to behave neutral and not take sides even when they see what is really happening. There is such a sueing culture and they must not put a foot wrong. As you become extremely emotional in these situations you have to treat it in steps. Firstly you say she has changed her will. Have you seen evidence of this and was it done legally? She has to be legally in the right mind before she can do this and the will done yourself can be challenged. You say your sister has power of attorney. This has do be done through legal channels or approved somewhat and at your mothers approval. There is the court of protection who you can contact if you think they are abusing it as you cannot just take charge of someone’s money as you see fit as you should be acting on behalf of what the mother would want. What was the actual outcome of social services visit? Unfortunately all the services that provide care in some way are only concerned with the victim, your mother and not concerned with anyone else or their disagreements or fights etc as you can imagine what it would be like. They can only act if there is definitely abuse and sometimes even when that happens (in my case they knew brother was abusing my mum, and the police) they don’t act because of budget and time restraints. My only advice is write down a plan of action in bullet points. Go to your CAB and see what they can do and see if they have solicitors giving free half hour slots. Keep everything in writing with dates etc and try to keep your emotions out of it and concentrate on the facts only. I am very surprised the police have done nothing to help you have access your mother and the rest of the family. I had eight years of seeing my mum go down and my controlling brother and sister in tow tried everything to stop my mum having paid help due to inheritance. She was sectioned in the end so had to go into a secure unit. My brother regularly threatened staff but they did NOTHING! I think the law is the only way to go. Good luck

I couldn't get any information on how mum is so I asked social services to ask discrete and careful questions. Unfortunately, they weren't discrete and now my sister has said "I'm dead to her". She has already got mum to change her Will and only this sister now benefits. We are talking alot of money. So, not only can I never see mum again but I've lost a sister and my inheritance. Apparently, I can do nothing about any of these 3 things. I did so much for my parents throughout my life only to be treated like this because this sister wants all the inheritance. The most hurtful thing is that I am not allowed to visit mum ever again. Mum has been manipulated by my sister and I am powerless to do anything. I love my mum and the thought of never seeing her again rips me in two. I can't go and bang on their door as the police have said I could be arrested. I've done nothing wrong to deserve this. I have realised that my sister wasn't the kind woman I thought she was. She has turned out to be calculating and greedy. Mum can't see what is happening. I thought I would update you all on my situation because you have taken the time to post advice. So, this sister wasn't being bullied by her husband. The greed and selfishness has come from my sister and I'm powerless to fight back. My mum could die now and I would never know. All contact has been severed by my nasty, money grabbing sister. Thanks to all for posting. x

My other sister and my niece have been banned from the house also but it's worse in their case as my other sister(who looks after mum) has taken out a court injunction? to stop them from going anywhere near mum.
The same sister that banned me also didn't tell me that dad was dying in hospital. He died and I found out by pure chance by looking at sisters facebook and I saw RIP Dad. I was not even told what he died of. So, I've sent for his death certificate. I feel so ashamed to have ended up estranged from my sisters and mum - such a dreadful situation. My other sister was really nasty to me so I had no choice but to cut free from her. I still love mum and both my sisters but my sisters are so cruel to me. I think money - inheritance is at the bottom of it all but it means mum only sees her one daughter and 3 grandchildren. There are two other daughters and 7 grandchildren she never sees now. It's amazing what money can do to break up a family. So sad.
I've sent flowers to mum telling her I love her but I've heard nothing back. I've written letters to the sister who looks after mum and again these are ignored. Such a shame!

Laughterlines

Maybe your sister wanted you to see this behaviour and it was a silent call for help

i don't think that is the situation in this case.

Maybe your sister wanted you to see this behaviour and it was a silent call for help

I second that, Lizbethann55.

Sea star. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, grief and frustration you are going through. My heart goes out to you. I am glad you have contacted social services. I get the feeling that they are the only people who can help you other than going to citizens advice or even finding a solicitor that specialises in this sort of situation. I know you promised your mum that you wouldn't put her in a home, but there are so many really nice places for elderly people to live these days. Homes are not what they used to be. And she could be freely visited by her whole family, not be held prisoner by one. I wish you well, and I wish you peace. Please do let us know how you are. We are all thinking of you.

It will be a weight off your mind, at least, if you get news that your mum is being well looked after.
I hope you do.

well done seastar.
at least you'll have more information as to what the situation actually is at this time in that house.
keep us posted.
by the way, are you able to join forces with your other sister and your niece. what is their attitude.
i'm sorry you are having so much to deal with, difficult emotionally and practically, all at the same time and with almost no support. i know something of how that feels.

I have taken advice from some of the Gransnetters and have today contacted Social Services for a Welfare check on mum. I'll post what the outcome is!

Even the Samaritans make me annoyed - they listen but that's it
I am sorry talking to the Samaritans has not helped, but listening is what they do - they are not there to judge or advise. You go on to say you don’t “want people berating you”. Exactly.

You also say in another post (We’d 8 July) that you have not seen any of them for 18 months and don’t even know if your Mum is alive.
I think that needs to be addressed - you would be entitled as one of her next of kin to ask her doctor. You also say you are afraid of contacting Social Services in case they put her in a home. I think there is already too much pressure on care homes places for that to happen unless there was a medical need.
I do understand how difficult it is to do all this sort of thing on your own, have you discussed it in counselling sessions?
It is preying on your mind and from what you say something needs to be looked at.

seastar I had concerns about my father-in-law years ago so I rang the adult social services in his area.
They agreed to make some discreet enquiries, particularly about the possibility of financial abuse of the elderly which is apparently very common.
Might that be worth a try for you?
Such a lot of problems to cope with x

Thank you sodapop. I'm trying to sort mum out now because of her age. She is 88 yrs old. If she still knows me I don't want her thinking I am not visiting because I don't love her. My sister banning me and my other sister is dreadful because we love mum and might not have long left with her.

I'm sorry you are finding life so difficult at the moment seastar. I think you have so many things weighing on you its time to take a step back and deal with one thing at a time.
Sadly there are no magic solutions for grief, talk to your family about your feelings, continue with the counselling. There are some situations we can do nothing about so put these to the back of your mind whilst you deal with your grief. I hope life gets better for you soon.

ValerieF - I haven't been waiting 18 months. During this time I have been trying to find out the background and what to do in amongst grieving for my husband who died suddenly with no warning at 56 yrs old, my dad dying 5 months later, my cousin dying one month later and almost losing my house because
I couldn't cope with so much grief. So, I didn't need my sister causing problems for me with my mum on top. I really loved my husband and was devastated and to have my dads dying in hospital - I wasn't even told he was in hospital dying. It also happened too fast. I found out my dad had died via sisters facebook- How? - she posted photos of my dad dying and then dead for the world to see. I was distraught and horrified. Then my sister takes my mum in and denies me access. So, I've had 18 + months of sheer hell. Could you sort all this out when you were still grieving for your husband who you loved more than life itself? I don't understand why I can't see my mum either. My sister has banned me, my other sister and her own daughter
(my niece) from seeing mum. Mum made me promise years ago that I would keep her out of a care home no matter what- I'm frightened to get welfare or social services involved in case they put her in a care home. I honour my promises come what may, So, I have to tread carefully. I contacted the police and they said they couldn't do anything. I contacted my solicitor and she can't do anything. My BIL is so aggressive he is likely to push me off his property (even though he lives in a council house he rents off the council). He wouldn't be adverse to thumping me. So, mum is isolated from the rest of her family and I can do nothing unless I break my promise to a much loved mum and would the upset kill her? I suspect mums money is at the bottom of it all. My sister has power of attorney and is using mums money and my sister has persuaded mum to change her will leaving out everyone but herself. Mum has alot of money. Me, I'd rather have my mum but I can't break a promise that I made to her. I love her too much to do that. Mum didn't want to come and live with me because it would have meant her leaving the area she has lived in most of her life.
I have too many important commitments to be able to uproot. I have sent my mum flowers and presents/letters but I never hear anything back. Mum is deaf and according to my sister if mum hasn't seen people for a few months she forgets who they are. What else can I do? On top of this I'm grieving for my husband, my dad, my cousin and a pet.I'm also very lonely and worried about my life being over. So, ValerieF you can see I haven't been doing nothing for 18 months. I have sort out help from doctors - useless - :I have sort help from counsellors - useless. I was chatted up by a man at work who turned out to be a red flag -No-one wants to help or can help. Then my sister does this and I believe it's all for money. I need to be cut some slack and have some of my life turned into good things. I cry most nights and don't want to live. Even the Samaritans make me annoyed - they listen but that's it. I don't need more people berating me. I need positive things in my life now but I love my mum. She is old and frail but I still will honour my promise. I know I should grow up, get myself together and keep banging on my sisters door, get thumped, involve the police, care homes etc but I can't do this. If anyone has a magic solution please tell me because since I was 4 yrs old I have had a life of sheer hell. Life has not been good to me and I count my blessings i'm still going. Thanks for all the advice from others on this site - boy oh boy could I do with some goodness and love for a change. x

seastar, was it your sister calling for help?

It's certainly odd that you aren't allowed to see your mum when she lives with your sister and brother-in-law. That's the thing that strikes me as the most strange in this story.

I wonder if the sisters' conversation was keeping the husband awake. It would be anxiety-inducing if he needs to be up early for work too.

In which case it is a bit weird, as others have implied, if the OP's sister invited her for 8:30pm. But perhaos she only intended it to be a short visit.

Who knows, who knows?

But who goes to bed at 8.30?

'Larks' do. I do. Not every night but quite often. Sometimes even earlier.

I also get up early.