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Found out that partner has been married twice..

(42 Posts)
BGB31 Thu 23-Jul-20 10:10:41

...rather than once.

When I say 'found out' - he told me. We were talking about his ex-wife and it suddenly came in to my mind to ask if he's been married more than once. He told me as soon as I asked. When I asked why he had not told me before he said he never thinks about it, it was 40 years ago and a very short marriage.
His second marriage was much longer and they had children etc.
I just feel shell shocked. We've been together about 20 months - very happy and loving relationship. He's never lied about anything as far as I am aware.
He doesn't understand why I am so upset - it's not the being married twice that bothers me - it's the fact that he didn't tell me. (I knew about what turns out to have been his second marriage from the moment I met him).
Am I making a fuss about nothing? I've no intention or desire to leave him, I just feel shocked and a bit confused.

tanith Thu 23-Jul-20 10:58:36

I can understand maybe why he didn’t tell you when you first met maybe it just got harder as time passed to bring it up but I would still be upset and hurt.

FlexibleFriend Thu 23-Jul-20 10:59:19

I think so, he hasn't lied he just forgot to mention it as it was brief and over 40 years ago. I wouldn't see the problem myself.

BGB31 Thu 23-Jul-20 11:41:23

Thanks both. @tanith Yes that's a familiar situation! It gets to the point when you can't mention it (for me it's often about asking someone's name!)

It was just such a big shock for me. We've talked a lot about it and I think it'll just take me a bit of time to adjust!

felice Thu 23-Jul-20 11:49:15

I tend not to mention my first Marriage, it lasted 2 years was nearly 50 years ago was brutal and I do not like talking about it.
Sometimes you try to put things behind you.
I have noticed people always want to know more than I want to tell them and can get a bit annoyed because I do not want to tell them all the gory details.
My business not theirs.

BGB31 Thu 23-Jul-20 11:51:42

Thanks felice. Yes, a good lesson to listen to what people are telling you, and what they are not.
I think if he had told me when we first met I wouldn't have expected details. Finding out yesterday meant that I wondered why he hadn't told me.
But you're right, his business not mine.

seacliff Thu 23-Jul-20 11:55:30

I wouldn't be worried in this situation. It was so long ago, so brief, he probably rarely thinks about it.

felice Thu 23-Jul-20 11:56:53

Pressed send too quickly,
Quote' but why don't you want to tell me ALL about it', or 'it is for your own good to talk about it'.
'I need to know all about you to be a real friend', woman I had met that day !!!!
' It is very rude not to tell me what happened, do you have something to be ashamed off?'
Some memories are best forgotten and your partner has built a new life, and perhaps he feels as I do.
If I do talk about it I have nightmares for days afterwards.

MellowYellow Thu 23-Jul-20 12:00:52

My friend fell in love with a widower whose wife had died after a long marriage. Much later he told her that he'd had a marriage since, on the rebound from his wife's death and that it was a mistake which lasted only a few months. He hadn't meant to hide it from her, he just didn't think it was important enough for him to tell her. She was upset, but eventually understood the situation.

EllanVannin Thu 23-Jul-20 12:10:31

I suppose it does tend to make you wonder what else has been " forgotten " about, it would me. Then again if life is good to you between you then it shouldn't be a problem.

Parky Thu 23-Jul-20 12:28:08

My daughter in law was married before and we only found out shortly before the wedding when my son mentioned her trying to find the divorce papers. I have let it lie as I gather it was short lived. Some things are better left in the past.

It certainly has no bearing on her marriage to my son.

Galaxy Thu 23-Jul-20 12:55:33

I would check there are no other things he has forgotten to tell you.

Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 13:06:25

If you are happy together I would let it lie. We do not have enough life left to reject the chance of happiness over something that happened so long ago. Grab every moment of it!

Totallylost Fri 24-Jul-20 09:52:07

Don’t worry about it at all, I recently had to fill n aDBS form and when the form came back to me asking me to clarify my former names I realised I’d missed off my first (disastrous ) marriage, I’d completely forgotten it, it hadn’t featured in my life for so long .

annecordelia Fri 24-Jul-20 09:59:09

I'm just reading Okive Kitteridge and Olive Again. Great stories about older relationships and life's complications

EmilyHarburn Fri 24-Jul-20 09:59:22

The marriage is 'water under the bridge' forgotten, not important. Don't fret.

Thecatshatontgemat Fri 24-Jul-20 10:14:11

When you get a second-hand man, he will have a history.
Do not know why you are fussing over this, it was irrelevant to him, so it should be to you.....

Galaxy Fri 24-Jul-20 10:18:13

Women are allowed to have whatever boundaries they wish. I would find it odd that he hadnt mentioned it.

MissAdventure Fri 24-Jul-20 10:21:18

I'd be a bit wary in case he had forgotten anything else.
I think it should be fairly relevant, making vows to someone.

quizqueen Fri 24-Jul-20 10:28:47

I think. if I ever met a new bloke and we decided it was going to be serious, I would want a tit for tat open conversation about all the issues we both thought were important to get everything out in the open up front, so there were no hidden secrets or surprises likely to emerge down the line. Number of marriages would certainly be on that list.

Gwenisgreat1 Fri 24-Jul-20 10:51:55

He didn't lie to you, you love him, let it go!

jaylucy Fri 24-Jul-20 10:59:19

If it means so little to him, why bother about it?
We all have secrets to keep that even our nearest and dearest don't know.
Unless this first marriage seems to be affecting him in any way - and it sounds as if it isn't- put it back in the box and get on with your life together

MissAdventure Fri 24-Jul-20 11:11:54

Just because it means little to him doesn't mean the op should respond the same way, though.
It's not all about one person in a relationship.

NannyC1 Fri 24-Jul-20 11:47:47

I'm sorry but why is every detail of someone's life before you even knew them any of your business. It doesn't affect you. I don't understand at all. Have you been into detail of every man/person you've slept with.

Calendargirl Fri 24-Jul-20 11:54:53

I differ with many other posters.

Even if the marriage was a short one and a long time ago, I would still have liked to be told about it earlier.

All this ‘forgetting’ something as important as a marriage seems odd to me.