What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

If the house is in your sole name when he's out pack his bags & change all the locks.
Get legal advice too...I would transfer 50% of your joint account into your account and dont let him have accrss to the car.
You dont need a man like that in yoyr life and your AC will support you in your decision

P>S I would get someone in to cut the metal rods and make the garden safe for grandchildren. Don't facilitate his behaviour, and his ability to upset you, by not taking steps to address the issues you can tackle yourself.

Good advice from GN’s. Get legal advice , move money, prepare for his exit, make sure you’re safe. Go visit your family have fun . When you know where you stand legally and know your rights start packing his stuff. I personally wouldn’t talk to him either. I quietly prepared for three months when I left my first horrible husband so he could get used to the idea and one day he said what’s happening and I just very quietly said it’s over. We’re done. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no not anymore ( I’d been a real let’s talk person)

I know its a long shot but have you asked him what is wrong with him? Jealousy is one thing. Living in the house must be hell on earth for you. Speak to a solicitor now and get advice and help as its obvious he won't move unless he is helped to move, as he has lived in family home you may find he has some claim. Good luck and stay safe. Is there a neighbour who could help with spikes? Xxxx

I was with my late partner for 30 years, my sons were teenagers when we first met. My sons lived with my ex husband but when they visited my partner made it clear that he did not like them very much. My grandson used to come and stay when he was younger but my partner ignored him so I can understand the strain you felt when your family visited. I used to take my grandson out and then try desperately to get them talking but it never happened. When my grand daughter was born and my son was bringing her to visit my partner refused not to smoke when she came, in fact he went out all day and I felt so uncomfortable and made up a story that his sister was ill and he gone to see her. Eventually my grand daughter became the apple of his eye but he continued to dislike my grandson. He left money in his will to my grand daughter but nothing to my grandson. I am on my own now and can see them all when I want to.

Please find out the likely position on divorce/separation from a qualified solicitor specialising in family law, before you make a decision. I had a late divorce and neither party is likely to have the same standard of living post divorce. Freedom costs money but it sounds like it will be a price worth paying. It was for me but it didn't come cheap but I have come out the other side a happier person, albeit initially lonely, - at times I actually miss my husband when I remember the good years.

His unreasonable behaviour is definately grounds for divorce. But realistically you can not expect him to simply go, especially if he has nowhere to go to. However make an appointment with a matrimonial specialist solicitor straightaway. An initial appointment will not be very expensive but this will clarify your position financially and legally. Do this BEFORE you tell you husband what you want to do, divorce-wise.

Once legal advice is taken and you have decided what you want to do, you may need to see see a financial advisor. Then you will need to inform him and consider whether he is willing to undergo counselling which he may or may not agree to once he realises everything he has is on the line.
Also make sure you find out your husbands financial position including pension rights as both capital and income will be taken into account when the financial settlement is agreed. Ideally you need this information gathered together before you see a solicitor. The house being in your sole name means very little when you are married after a long marriage, and the property is the matrimonial home.
Sometimes you can trade the right to retain the house if you do not claim any of your husbands private pension income if he has one but that is only viable if he can afford somewhere else to live. But you will need a retirement income as well, so a trade off may not be in your long term interests as you are still young and can not access get a state pension for a few years . Do you have an occupational pension or a job or other income available live on, taking into account the likely settlement?

At 73 he is not going to change unless he wants to, but he is going to require somewhere to live, and probably receive 50% share of assets in order to buy an alternative property and to have an income.

Otherwise you stay put, unhappily, and wait for nature to take its course in terms of survivorship, and spend more time visiting your family rather than inviting them to yours.

I really hope you can find a way out of your predicament.

Cuckooz - you are living with a man who is emotionally controlling you although on the surface it might not look that way. Your celibate life and his complete unwillingness to enter into any family-type role suggests he is only with you out of convenience but it's his convenience and not yours. Additionally, by not attending to potential dangers in your garden he is causing you mental anguish. If he won't leave the house, you can call the police and say he is emotionally abusing you which he is - presumably this visit from your AC and GC is the first in many months since the beginning of lockdown and will be very important to you. Additionally, his blatant disregard for your GC's safety is another issue you can report to the police. You need to feel that you and your CG are safe in the house that is in your name and if he is making you feel unsafe in any way you can report him and maybe a visit to the house will shake him up into believing that you want him out. Do not leave yourself, and do not give him anything. Do consult a family solicitor - you can usually get the first hour free. At 63 you have years ahead of you and whilst you might not meet someone else who might be a decent grandfather to your GCs, you will at least feeling happier in yourself. At the same time, don't listen to those who may ask why you stayed with such a horrid man all this time - there are valid reasons for this and you are probably carrying lots of shame about it, so take yourself to a counsellor and deal with that too. Good luck.

He is not a happy peaceful loving man and may never be. Life is too short. You can ask a solicitor who offers 30 mins free advice or CAB for free advice. Good luck ? x

Since this man has not been physically violent I think his behaviour could be categorised as coercive control,which is now recognised as a form of abuse. You are a saint to have put up with this all this time, but the problem with thsee cases that the control builds up over the years so that it almost becomes a way of life and the victim begins to and accept it as normal so that the perpetrator becomes more and more controlling.

However, the last straw for me would be his dismissal of the metal spikes as something for which he has no concern. The solution is I would have thought obvious - don't waste any more time, get a builder to remove the spikes and take the money out of your joint account but please be aware that he could well empty the account so do not waste any time taking out your share,ie the money you have paid in and be sure that you are able to prove that the money you are removing really is your's.

I think I may have said this before but years of working in a bank tsught me that joint accounts are often a very bad idea. Keep your money in your own name.

One of the reasons I got rid of my two exes was because of how they were with the children (one was the father of the children). I stayed too long with both of them - don't know why, but I'm so relieved I'm no longer with them.

Get legal advice, stick to your guns, maybe see a solicitor with one of your AC for support. It will get easier and you and your family will be much happier without him. He doesn't deserve you and your family. What a nasty piece of work. Such men should be on their own!

Shocking and disgusting behaviour, this man clearly has no concern for your feelings whatsoever. Yes get legal advice ASAP and get rid of him.

If he won't leave then I would get some legal advice, otherwise you could put his belongings outside and get the locks changed whilst he was out of the house. Even though the house is in your name he may well have a claim for part of the value if he can show he put anything into the maintenance of the property or the upkeep (this happened to a friend whose long term partner won the right to 50% of the value of the property because he did all the repairs and decorating etc whilst he lived there).

He's nasty and he is making you unhappy. Stick to your word. Open a new bank account in your own name and seek legal advice, you can get half an hour free in a lot of places. And you need someone to confide in and support you. I'm 66 and find life is he without a grumpy bloke around. Good luck.

You have had lots of advice on how to get rid of this obnoxious man. On a more practical note, if the family are still going to visit you need to deal with the spikes, for your own peace of mind. As a temporary measure you can simply wrap them thoroughly in plastic bags, or strips of fabric and tape or tie it in place.
I hope that you can find a quick and happy resolution to your sad situation. Imagine how good it would feel to live your own life without his sulks and silences, especially if you can make a fresh start living nearer to your family.
Good luck xx

Well done you for finally leaving!! It takes guts - and usually a crisis like this - to finally leave a man who is so controlling. You should look into 'healing from narcissistic abuse' to set you on the road to recovery and thriving. Melanie Tonia Evans is great. It's never too late - I left my third narcissistic relationship five years ago and have been happily on my own ever since. It's fantastic that your children and grandchildren are doing so well. Congratulations. You rock!

You can ask him to move out. Make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP to get advice.

A reasonable spouse would leave, give you some space, in the hope of reconciliation.

Please get advice.

Erm I not sure you can Force him out. It's the marital home. In fact he could get half when/if you divorce.

*Nannan2’. No it didn’t ‘have to be said‘.

One of the questions I ask myself in difficult situations is 'what would I do if I wasn't scared'
It helps. Good luck. Sounds like in spite of everything you and your kids have a great relationship.

I changed the locks, told him I lost my key. Best thing I ever did

I’m so sorry that you have this life. My stomach turned over when I read it as you are still so young. Seek professional advice and get him to hell out of there. I’m sending you love and hugs and please stay strong.

You are still a young woman and deserve to be happy and be free to see your children and grandchildren whenever you want. Don’t let this horrible bully control you with his anger and hate any more. Be strong and move on.
Coercive control it what this is all about, get some help to get him out and don’t look back.

Dear. OP, I hope you read this. I’m 65 and was with my ex for 20 years. I knew he was no good but like you, I loved and put up with it. Like you, after many years I suddenly reached my tipping point. There was no way back.
I spoke to my GP and a counsellor and was referred to a Women’s Aid counsellor because I had been emotionally and mentally abused for years - I didn’t know, I had no bruises, I just got on with the not speaking, the silences, the no sex, no love, hiding in another room.
Take 1/2 the money out of the bank and any investments
See a solicitor
See your GP
Find a good counsellor
Reach out to friends for support
Build up your fortress of support in any way that entails for you.
You are still young. You don’t have to put up with this now you have realised the true nastiness of the man.
I wish you luck and love. You can do this. From your post I can see that you are so very much stronger than you think

What a terrible situation. You need to get rid of this evil man forever. Get him out of your life. Get down to your solicitor and find out how to GET RID!! Don't wait and don't hesitate at all. Do it NOW!!

I would echo the MOVE FAST advice; secure your money and check that standing orders etc have not been cancelled so that you don't suddenly receive red demands for utilities; check insurances are still in your name etc, remove possessions to which you are attached to a safe place, preferably out of the house, and tell your children to be on their guard. All the above happened to a colleague I worked with as her husband, who had left her for her best(!) friend, did everything to disrupt her life during and after the divorce. If your husband does leave, inform the neighbours; my colleague was notified at work that her husband was breaking into her house to claim the television he decided was his; he couldn't get it, so he took possessions belonging to his daughter from the garage and refused to return them unless he had the television. Had to be sorted out , expensively, by the court.