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What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

(156 Posts)
Cuckooz Thu 23-Jul-20 14:52:15

This is my first post, so please be kind 😊
Here goes....I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 30 years. I’m 63 now and he’s 73. He’s always disliked young children but accepted my two from my first marriage (they were 10 and 13 at the time). Life wasn’t easy and we had our fare share of problems, especially with my children. He was really horrible to them and when I think about it now my heart breaks. There were plenty of times when I thought I should leave him but back then, I loved him so I stayed, putting him first and my children second. Big mistake. I won’t go into that now though.

My two children are now happily married adults and I am the very proud granny of 4 beautiful grandchildren.

My husband still dislikes small children and when one of my AC visits with their 2DC my husband gets a mood on as soon as he knows they are coming. They do not visit often - maybe once or twice a year - and only for about 3 or 4 nights at a time, never longer. Whilst they are here he’ll go out all day and will only get back late and then he stays in our bedroom. He may say hello to my AC but he totally ignores the children. It’s always very strained when they are here. I will never have a family gathering because both my AC know what my husband is like and they don’t want to put their children through what they went through. They only visit because of me. I tend to visit them more and stay for a week or so here and there. We all live over a hundred miles from each other.

For a number of years my husband and I haven’t done things together like holidays or outings. There’s no romance in our lives and we’ve been celibate for about 20 years. We don’t have family gatherings (he doesn’t have any family) and we don’t have friends. We basically just live together and plod on.

There’s an impending visit on the horizon so today, I asked my husband to cut the metal rods that are poking through the wooden sleepers in our garden. They were used to stabilise sleepers into the ground. They are dangerous, poking up about 6 or 8 inches here and there, but we know where they are so are careful when we’re out in the garden. My grandchildren won’t know where they are. He said why should he pander to the children. If they get hurt it’s their fault. I then asked him how he would feel if one of the children fell and the rod went through their eye and would he like something like that on his conscience. He replied that he doesn’t care about the little and if that happens the kid deserves it.

I couldn’t believe what I heard, my heart broke. I told him he was evil and that I went through loads of troubles with him with my children and put him first and I’m not going through it all again with my grandchildren.

I asked him to pack his bags and leave. I don’t want him here. How on earth do you make someone leave though? He’s still here. I’ve asked him twice to go. The house and car are in my name. We have a joint bank account. I said he can take the car and he can have the money but he must just go. He’s still here.

Could you forgive someone like my husband? I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of what he said. I have so many regrets. I should have left him years ago. I don’t love him. I don’t hate him. I just don’t want him here.

What would you do?

Lucca Thu 23-Jul-20 14:59:40

Be strong. Stick to your guns. You are still young enough to have a good life, cannot see what the point is in staying with this man. I am frankly amazed that your AC even visit at all.

AGAA4 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:02:02

What an awful situation Cuckooz. If your husband refuses to leave you need to get legal advice.

Ilovecheese Thu 23-Jul-20 15:04:12

Can you ask your impending visitors if they can help you eject him from your property? You could make a start by "helping him" pack his belongings into cases or bin bags. Only start to do this yourself if you are certain of your safety, otherwise wait until your visitors arrive and do it then.
Do not be embarrassed or try to protect his feelings in front of your visitors. When he has left change the locks. Don't start believing that you have to be kind to him because of any suggestions of dementia or other mental health problems, just get rid.
In the meantime try and sort the garden out yourself or contact a handyman.

Smileless2012 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:07:00

What an awful situation to be in Cuckooz not wishing to be unkind I suppose 'the rot set in' when you first got together and let him take priority over your own children.

If it were me, I would get some legal advice and in the meantime having asked him to go twice, would accept that he's staying put for now at least.

You need to know your legal and potential financial position as well as any financial obligations as the starting point for an asset split is 50/50.

Would it be possible for you to visit with your AC rather than them coming to you? I'm sure they'd understand and may prefer that option if you fill them in on recent events.

63 isn't too old to start a new chapter in your life without this rather unpleasant sounding man, so maybe now is the time.

You say you should have left years ago and that you neither lover or hate him, just don't want him around so it's immaterial IMO whether or not you can forgive him.

I think the person you perhaps need to forgive is yourself for what has happened in the past. I hope you can, you aren't the first and wont be the last to have been blinded by love.

Despite what has happened, you have your AC and GC in your life so free yourself of this man and enjoy them, without having to worry every time they visit.

Good luck.

Hithere Thu 23-Jul-20 15:07:08

Initiate separation or divorce paperwork.

welbeck Thu 23-Jul-20 15:16:08

if you are legally married, i don't think you can demand he leaves without a legal settlement.
if you are not married you can assert your property rights.
but i think the very fact of marriage means that you will have to start divorce proceedings and a court decision on division of assets.
as he is most unlikely to come to an agreement voluntarily.
get legal advice immediately. look on support websites that can advise you in more detail.

welbeck Thu 23-Jul-20 15:19:54

if i were you i would withdraw/ transfer half the balance of the joint account.
whatever you have offered him is not legally binding.
don't give anything away. bet he won't.
you are a fair and reasonable person. he is utterly selfish.
you could take all the joint account. so could he. maybe he has. by leaving half for him, this will show to the court your bona fides. good luck. keep looking forward.

sodapop Thu 23-Jul-20 15:38:49

I too am amazed your family still visit cuckooz the fact you prioritised your husband over your children does not sit well.
That's all water under the bridge now though and you need to follow through with your decision. I agree with welbeck about the money. You need legal advice about asking him to leave the marital home I'm not sure of the situation there. I hope you manage to free yourself from this man and have a better life with your family.

Madgran77 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:43:47

I think you very urgently need legal advice Cuckooz. This type of thing cannot possibly be managed by agreement without proper help to sort it all out. I really feel for you flowers

GillT57 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:47:42

Oh goodness me, this relationship is over. Open a bank account in your own name transfer half the money, don't even bother telling him what you are doing, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of being informed. Go and see a solicitor, don't mess about with the free half hour stuff, get one, get them on the case, and start divorce proceedings. I can't see why on earth you are staying with this horrid man. Don't beat yourself up about the past and what you should or shouldn't have done when your children were small, but you can change your future. Please keep us posted, there are many on here with experience of ending a marriage and I am sure they will be along to advise and support, but in the meantime, just get a solicitor's appointment and get the rest of your life sorted. Good luck. xx

crazyH Thu 23-Jul-20 15:48:32

You need a medal for having put up with this man all these years. Give him his marching orders asap followed by legal advice or LA first. And I thought I had it bad !!!!!!!

Puzzler61 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:50:22

Sorry to hear you have such a dilemma Cuckoo. I think you have already made up your mind about the relationship,
But - if you are married - don’t be tempted to leave the house just because he’s sitting tight. You could be waiving some of your rights.
My friend did just that some years ago and lost the house as he stayed in it. She found it wasn’t possible to buy a house with her half of the “estate” and could afford only a flat. He stayed in what had been her home (with her first husband), as he was still working and able to afford to raise the other half of the mortgage.
Stay put, and get legal advice. Perhaps when he can see you are determined to stick to your guns he will go.

Advice given by welbeck about your bank accounts is sound too.

Good Luck, and come back and let us know how you get on. 🍀

Oopsadaisy3 Thu 23-Jul-20 16:11:01

Don’t say any more to him until you have moved half of the money, if you have any proof of the amount that you have put into the family home, then gather it all together along with any Pension letters ( for you both) and bank statements and get an appointment with a Solicitor.
Just because the property is in your name doesn’t mean that he has to get out.
On the other hand, don’t move out yourself, stay put and get that appointment.
Good luck.

Callistemon Thu 23-Jul-20 17:05:24

Yes, I agree with other posters.

You do need to get legal advice regarding the house and your finances. Move your money over asap and stay strong.
What an unpleasant man, don't waste any more of your life on him. No-one would speak about my DGC like that and get away with it, it is truly shocking.

That is not a marriage and you deserve better than this misery.

BlueBelle Thu 23-Jul-20 17:09:39

Sorry but he would have been gone the MINUTE
he was unkind to my kids but as he didn’t and you re saying you regret that, all you can do is make sure you don’t repeat those mistakes again ...he sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work As he’s not making any effort to move you need a solicitor ASAP to get him out (if possible) and hopefully an injunction against him coming near you ever again
Get as much evidence together as possible

In the meantime meet up with your family and grandchildren in a neutral place where the children can’t get hurt or have to see him and perhaps hear his hate

cornergran Thu 23-Jul-20 17:15:06

You’re a strong woman cuckooz or you’d not have survived for this long in an incredibly tense marriage. You’ll be able to move on. Totally agree with others, a family law solicitor will give far better advice than we can. Gather your paperwork quietly, make an appointment and get advice. A handyman can make the garden safe if it’s not something you can do, enjoy the visit as much as you can. I wouldn’t go and stay with family until legal advice has been received. Could you talk to your family during the visit and explain? We’re always here to listen but nothing beats family support. Good luck, stay strong.

Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 17:22:00

OK - no regrets - do not look back and wish you had done tings differently - that ship has sailed. You must now make plans for the future.

Go online to your bank and open an account in your own name and transfer half the money in the account - I did this when my poor OH was unable to manage money any more and it went through in a blink - no problem there.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and fond out where you stand legally - it will be money well spent.

Tell your children the situation - I am sure they will back you to the hilt.

Your OH is letting it wash by him as he knows he has had his own way all these years - but he will sit up and take notice when you have all your ducks in a row and can present him with a clear plan of action with the legal knowledge to back it up. I suspect that, married or not, if the house is in your name, you could put it on the market and move on.

Sussexborn Thu 23-Jul-20 17:24:00

My friend was told not to change the locks etc because it would count against her in the final settlement. He sounds like a nasty brutal piece of work and your life will be so much better without him. Good luck and keep us posted.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 23-Jul-20 17:25:32

Oh wow, he’s a nasty so n so isn’t he, I’m amazed you put up with such behaviour over the years, but no good going back there in your thoughts, the way is forward now, half hour of advice from solicitor, I think they still do this no cost involved, I would check this out,I’d take half of my money out of the account, pack his bags, I’d tell your AC what you are going to do, I bet they will breathe sigh of relief for their mum, hopefully they will support you in whichever way needed, and please please keep strong, my blood was boiling reading this post

eazybee Thu 23-Jul-20 17:34:08

You must get legal advice quickly, and I think probably take out an injunction. How you get him to leave the premises I don't know. A friend went through this with her ex-husband; it took ages to evict him, but she had put the property in joint names when they married, and had left the house because he attacked her.
Don't leave your property if you can avoid it until he has gone, and you have changed the locks. Don't offer him anything but secure your half of the joint account; let everything be sorted out legally. Whatever you do, don't change your mind.

eazybee Thu 23-Jul-20 17:40:10

Just seen the advice about not changing the locks, but as it is your property I don't think it would count against you. He will claim he has nowhere to go, and you will have to start eviction proceedings, which will be difficult as I don't suppose he is a tenant; his contribution to the house will be examined. But you can't continue to live with someone so callous.

PinkCakes Thu 23-Jul-20 18:16:31

I don't know why you've put up with him all these years. If I'd married a man like that, he'd have been gone a long time ago.

Perhaps you should see a solicitor, and see what you can do about forcing your husband to leave. Wha a nasty man he sounds.

Curlywhirly Thu 23-Jul-20 19:06:03

What a vile man. He doesn't deserve to have you or your family (or anyone) in his life. As has been suggested, go online (tonight!) and open a new account and transfer half the joint account money into it, it takes half an hour tops. Then tomorrow, find a decent family law solicitor and book an appointment. I would let your children know and suggest that their visit be postponed; there's no point in subjecting them or the GC to the unpleasant atmosphere that your husband has caused. Don't feel sorry for him if he starts to try and make amends - keep strong, just keep remembering what he said about the CG - how dare he. The pig (for want of a much stronger word).

avitorl Thu 23-Jul-20 19:08:03

I don't think you can make him move out as marriage tends to make assets joint property.
Wikivorce site can be very useful for getting useful advice and support on Divorce matters.
Awful situation to be in but you can make a new life for yourself at 63.
My personal experience is don't leave the home yourself unless your safety is at risk